Am I being selfish as first time mum by asking this?

[user1466488499]

DS is 6 weeks old and it's been tough as I imagine it is for most first time mums. The sleep deprivation has been exhausting and I have been feeling very low and miserable about the whole motherhood thing.
I've switched from breast to giving my son formula at night as breastfeeding wasn't giving him enough. My DH does the night feeds at midnight and 3am which means I get rest until the 5/6am feed.
I'm drained, tired and DH doesn't return from work til 8pm so it's a long day for me at home with DS. I get a rest when DH covers at night. I've been a bit taken aback by my parents who say I should give my husband a rest when he gets home as he's the one who had to go to work. I would far rather go to work than be the stay at home person. AIBU for expecting my husband to do the night feeds to give me a rest. Am I being soft? Maybe I just need to suck up the crapness of motherhood and tough it out? What does everyone think? Thanks

6 weeks is still such early days and you are in the thick of the night feeds. It does get easier than this, I promise! How was your labour? Your body may still be trying to recover from that. Take vitamins and get all the rest you can. Get out and about during the day if you can face it. The fresh air is good. If your husband is willing to do the night feeds them take him up on the offer but keep asking how he is and take a turn if he is starting to feel run down. If your mood remains low see your doctor incase you do have a bit of PND. This stage is so hard and it's such a steep learning curve. Be kind to yourself and get any additional support on offer from your parents and the like

Bit tough on your dh to be awake at 12 and 3 each night .... But you get to sleep through til 5/6?

Doesn't seem right to me but whatever works for you and dh is what counts.

I did all the night feeds, purely because ExH was the only person bringing in the money, and if he was under par at work, it would have been a bad thing/could have got him in to trouble. I did get a nap in the afternoon, and he didn't have that opportunity.

It is truly knackering. It will get better

I think that you have to see it that you are at work whilst he is at work. So when he's at home it's shared care of the baby. If he does every night feed then that's a lot - I would either do one feed each so you both get a good bit of sleep or one night on and one night off. If the sleep deprivation was exhausting for you it won't be less exhausting for your DH.

I have 2 non sleepers under 2&12 and I would never expect DH to get up during the week because I can nap the next day when they nap. They both sill have 2 sometimes 3 bottles a night

That works for us but you have to do what works for you.

The night waking doesn't last forever, well that's what people tell me anyway

Some people are better on broken sleep/less sleep though. If her DP isn't complaining or having any issues with it then it isn't a problem.

Is your dh a surgeon, or does he operate heavy machinery for a living? Is he a long distance lorry driver or pilot?

If the answer to the above is "no" then I'd tell them to mtob

Could you not go to bed at 9 and do the 3 am feed that way you would get a good six hour block. Plus from 3.30 onwards. Your dh could then sleep from 12.30 until he needs to get up for work.

Just also make sure he's getting enough sleep to do his job properly because the last thing you need is any trouble at work or anything like that.

Sorry but I do think YAB a bit U. You are sleeping through every night whilst your husband is up twice and then having to go to work? I don't understand why you are so tired then.

I was knackered at this stage but was up every 2 hours to feed (DS had bad jaundice and we had to wake to feed). There is no way I would have asked DH to do it as he had to be up to work. I had to slob around in pyjamas for as long as I wanted, get a grip, go for a walk and a coffee.

PP may be right with PND if you are this tired after a full night's sleep and just clock watching. Are you getting out and about in the day? Napping when baby naps? Meeting up with your NCT friends or any other baby groups? Makes the world of difference.

Yes it's hard, and draining and seems never ending but it does get better, and 12 weeks is a major breakthrough.

As a pp said it sounds like you might be a bit depressed, have you had your 6 week check yet? Please tell the GP how you're feeling.
My husband has just gone back to work (baby 1 month old) and I've been doing the night feeds since he went back and then still getting up at the same time as him in the morning. I am shattered though and he will be doing the feeds tonight as he doesn't work weekends. I'm exclusively pumping as baby won't latch properly so I need to get up in the night anyway as my breasts get uncomfortably full - it does mean I'm awake for over an hour each time though so probably getting 4/5 hours sleep spread over the night which is hard work. Saying all of this if I decide to move onto formula and give up pumping then my husband would happily do one of the night feeds if I asked him and really it wouldn't be anyone else's business. Your husband must be tired as well though.
I've thought about maybe sleeping in a spare room on a Friday (only getting up once to express) and then my husband sleeping there on a Sunday night so he's not disturbed by the baby meaning at least we each have a good nights sleep to look forward to, could you do something like that?
I keep telling myself it will get easier.

As a pp said it sounds like you might be a bit depressed, have you had your 6 week check yet? Please tell the GP how you're feeling.
My husband has just gone back to work (baby 1 month old) and I've been doing the night feeds since he went back and then still getting up at the same time as him in the morning. I am shattered though and he will be doing the feeds tonight as he doesn't work weekends. I'm exclusively pumping as baby won't latch properly so I need to get up in the night anyway as my breasts get uncomfortably full - it does mean I'm awake for over an hour each time though so probably getting 4/5 hours sleep spread over the night which is hard work. Saying all of this if I decide to move onto formula and give up pumping then my husband would happily do one of the night feeds if I asked him and really it wouldn't be anyone else's business. Your husband must be tired as well though.
I've thought about maybe sleeping in a spare room on a Friday (only getting up once to express) and then my husband sleeping there on a Sunday night so he's not disturbed by the baby meaning at least we each have a good nights sleep to look forward to, could you do something like that?
I keep telling myself it will get easier.

I wonder if it's worth asking your GP to check your iron levels and maybe your thyroid function in case there's another component to the tiredness?

Also, if you have a spare room, it might be worth sleeping separately so that you're not disturbed by the night feeds and really do get to have a proper night's sleep. It would just be temporary until things settle down.

Having a newborn baby to take care of can be marvelous,exhausting,lovely and crap all at the same time.

You are not being soft your being a human being who's just had her life turned upside down all whilst recovering from 9 months of growing a human being inside you,the strain of being in labour and giving birth,the pain that your milk coming in and breastfeeding can cause and to top it all off you have to be on call 24/7 to a little pink bundle that you have to cuddle,bath,feed,wind,dress,change nappies for.

It's still very early days please be kind to yourself,rest when ever you can,make sure your eating and drinking as well as you can,concentrate on doing nothing but feeding,washing and clothing yourself and your baby for the next few weeks.

If your DH is on board with getting up with the baby in the night then it's no one else's business,and like other posters have said going to work and getting proper tea breaks and lunch breaks,being able to go to the toilet when you want to and not having to think of anyone else,getting adult company and adult conversation all whilst being paid is a doddle compared to being at home with a newborn especially when it's your first!

I presume you should be having your 6 week check up with your midwife/HV soon?It would be a good idea to mention to them how your feeling just incase your anemic or low in vitamins either of those can make you feel really fed up and realy lethargic.

I hope everything starts to settle down for you all soon and that you all start to get more sleep,sleep deprevation is the worst(I have 5DC)and congratulations on your new baby

I fell into the trap of thinking it was harder for DH as he went to work. Plus I was BF so I did all the night feeds.

I then went back to work at 6 months and discovered it's far easier (and I work in a professional, stressful job) by which time it was too late, I still did all the nights.

Maybe offer to share a bit but do not do all the nights. I also had a non-napper (severe reflux) so couldn't "sleep when the baby sleeps"

YANBU. You need some support. He is giving it to you. I'm sure you support him other ways (like enabling him to continue working and earning money in the same way as before but with a very young child).

Your day sounds harder than his btw. And you are working all day too. Never understand that argument about him working therefore he needs a rest. What about you? It as if people believe his work is more important/harder .

It gets better. Let your DH do the night feeds-ignore your parents. I'm alone from 6:30am to 7:30pm with DD (5 months) Mon-Fri and most Saturday mornings. It's tough-I get it.

I did the week nights. DH was working and needed his sleep. He did nights at the weekend.

I personally would have my dp do the 12 feed then do the rest, as tired as I was with ds1 I dont all the night feeds sun-Friday because dp has a physical job and has to drive he needs to be fit enough to do it.

I think it sounds like you are a little depressed too I certainly was with ds1 I didn't really know at the time I thought it was normal but once he got bigger and easier I recognised that I was, now after having ds2 I realise how depresses I actually was it's so much easier to cope with now I know what I'm in for it was such a shock the first time.

Our routine was for me to go to bed at 9ish, DH would do last feed and settle and I would do the night feeds. I got Friday night off. I was knackered!!! But, I could nap in the day.

When I went back to work at 6 months we both took it in turns to do nights and I was more rested.

I didn't enjoy the time off on maternity leave and having to deal with the sleeplessness. Once I got into the swing of things, it wasn't hard but it was tiring and boring. Being so tired made me feel low - I just don't deal well with sleep deprivation.

Whatever works for you and your family is the right way to do it, as long as everyone's happy, and if your dh is fine with this, then great.

However, I wouldn't say this is the most common way of splitting it. Usually, the sahp does the night feeds. You could go to bed at 8 or 9 to get in 6 or 7 hours before the 3pm feeds.

I think most people only realise with hindsight, or more dc, tgat babies are actually really easy to look after. You just strap them to you and get on with lots of nice things, walking, exercise classes & cinema (sessions which allow babies once) restaurants, going out for coffee etc etc. It's just the change that's hard, but if you can accept being a bit more tired than usual, then that first year with first child can be wonderful.

Do what works best for your family.

We did: My husband doing all the caring from 8/9pm until 2am, and me everything from 2am onwards. Timings were adjusted if one of us had a particularly difficult day.

The first few months were the toughest.

Tell your parents that DH also needs to bond with the baby

As I agree, do what works for you. Some people need more sleep than other, some can go back to sleep immediately in the middle of the night and other don't, some are able to nap during the day...

I always thought a rested mum is a better mum!

And congrats on the new baby

I think YABU. He works (and yes to pp, it is harder than staying at home looking after a newborn) and commutes daily. I think he should keep the midnight feed but that you should be doing the 3am onwards feed on days that he is working.
Weekends etc then it's obviously 50/50 on everything that needs doing in the house including childcare.

Don't be disheartened, it will get easier as baby gets older and sleeps through for longer.