Am I being selfish as first time mum by asking this?

[user1466488499]

DS is 6 weeks old and it's been tough as I imagine it is for most first time mums. The sleep deprivation has been exhausting and I have been feeling very low and miserable about the whole motherhood thing.
I've switched from breast to giving my son formula at night as breastfeeding wasn't giving him enough. My DH does the night feeds at midnight and 3am which means I get rest until the 5/6am feed.
I'm drained, tired and DH doesn't return from work til 8pm so it's a long day for me at home with DS. I get a rest when DH covers at night. I've been a bit taken aback by my parents who say I should give my husband a rest when he gets home as he's the one who had to go to work. I would far rather go to work than be the stay at home person. AIBU for expecting my husband to do the night feeds to give me a rest. Am I being soft? Maybe I just need to suck up the crapness of motherhood and tough it out? What does everyone think? Thanks

It sounds to me that on some level you're "punishing" DH becaue you resent his perceived freedom and you miss your old life. This is understandable; the first few months are a whirlwind of emotions and hormones. It's tough. You're not being fair to DH though.

How long has he been doing all night feeds for, if baby is only six weeks? Struggling to see how you could feel as tired as you describe if he's been doing it for any length of time, unless there's another underlying cause.

In real life is say people should mind there own etc but you've asked so..

I feel you are BU. The night feeds seem like a punishment for enjoying the work/social life you have come accustomed to. I'm all for the DH sharing care etc, but when is his time off? You work all day with baby and get a full nights sleep... he works all day then does your 'current job" all night. It's probably making his toes curl when you say your sleep deprived.

I've had two children, it's draining and full on but rewarding and lovely at the same time. We live in a country that recognises this and pays one parent (albeit peanuts) to be off work. However, there is no law that says it has to a) be you or b) taken at all. Maybe if you miss your job, go back to work?

DH can go to bed at 9, get up at 12 -1, back to sleep then up at 3 , back to bed 3.30, up for work at 6.30 - that's 8 hours

He gets in at 8, and presumably needs to cook, eat, help with housework etc? And needs some time to unwind, as does OP... Don't think 9 or even 10 would be a realistic bedtime.

I agree with youknowitmakessense

Coming on here when you feel as you do, OP, may make you feel worse, because there are those who have forgotten what it's like, who never felt as you feel, who didn't have supportive partners, or have a philosophical viewpoint that applies to them but not to you.

Don't understand all the martyrdom on here sometimes. DH and I shared the night waking when we had a puppy even though he had to be in work in the morning and I didn't.

The key word there is share

I don't see what's martyrish about doing one of the night feeds tbh. And many BF women have to do all the night feeds, doesn't mean they're married to lazy arses who don't do anything or martyrs. I EBF and DH is one of the most helpful partners I know of.

I think there's more at play than just tiredness here.

And OP, you have my sympathy. You are going to have to stand up to your parents because they don't seem to be on your side.

Also, were you to swap roles so that DH was the SAHP and you worked, would you then do the night feeds? As you've said you both have similar jobs. If the answer is no, it's something you should bear in mind when expecting him to do it all the time now.

The Ops Husband is Happy

Notyoda- i suspect he isn't or op wouldn't be posting on here- her DH would reassure her and that would be all she needed.

Nowhere has she said her DH isn't happy, it's her family who are making that judgement. Perhaps he likes the bonding time?

The OP posted in response to comments made by her parents not her DH. I'm not surprised a comment made by her parents has caused a reaction, even if her DH is happy with the arrangement.

Pippa

As others have said, it's her parents who are being judgmental about it.

I remember very well in throes of new motherhood feeling guilty, wrong and discombobulated, so that a comment like that would throw me.

The advice from many on here is really helpful. It's a gradual process of adjustment and there may be medical issues

Motherhood is exhausting and the broken sleep can be crippling. Your husband has to function at work and won't be as productive after a bad night with less sleep, also if he drives to work it can be dangerous when tired. Although it is tough for you at least you are at home on your own time without the stress of trying to hold it together at work. It will get easier as time goes on but don't take it out on your husband as he is the one out earning money.

I'm amazed at the responses here. I also can't believe people are questioning why the op is tired if her DH is doing the night feeds. When ds1 was 6wks, he was only ever off the breast for an absolute maximum of 1 hour day or night. He was generally on for 45mins-1h then off for 45mins to 1h. I was on my knees with exhaustion. He also would never ever be put down or nap for more than 20mins at a time and only ever on top of me. So even if DH has done the night feeds, I would still have been wiped out.

With my first, I did all the night feeds as I struggled to express. It was fucking hideous. When pg with ds2, I was still BF so I weaned ds1 and started to pump and freeze for the baby. This meant lots of stored milk for ds2 meaning DH could do night feeds until about 12wks when my body had recovered. DH himself thought this was more than reasonable.

Oh and with my 3rd, I went straight back to work and that was massively easier even though ds3 was still waking in the night.

Last point is that if you don't have anyone else you can meet up with or see in the day, the loneliness can be crippling. Despite popular perception, baby groups aren't always the easiest place to make friends esp as some can already have a cliquey group who don't make an effort to speak to you. I felt incredibly lonely as all my friends still worked full time and although both my mother and MIL were still alive at that point, both worked long hours in their own professional careers. At 6wks, if I could have changed my mind, I probably would have done. By 16wks, I loved him more than life. As Mr Lennon said, 'whatever gets you thru the night, is alright.'

The OP shares the feeding with her DH as she's the one doing feeds all day and evening.

'He won't be as productive after a bad night with less sleep.'

Boo and indeed hoo.

cherry but your post about sharing was specifically about night waking, wasn't it?

I personally don't care what the op or her DH do in division of chores and have no agenda, but I DO think feeling so exhausted despite not really doing night feeds or wakings isn't necessarily usual and could well be a sign of PND.

And personally things got a LOT harder after 6 weeks - 3-6 months this time around has been hideous and nearly done me in - so things might not get easier for the op. If there may be signs of depression I think she would do well to see someone asap.

But if like me she is feeding one hour in one hour off all day then she will be feeling exhausted. I lost almost 3stone in the first 3mths of my eldest child's life. I'm convinced it was down to the relentless BF and being too tired to eat most days.

I loathed the first few months and only started to enjoy being a Mum when DD was about four months. I longed for my DH to do night feeds but he never did (combo fed baby after numerous problems in the first week). And he always takes three naps every weekend! Do what you need to do. I did have PND and found it a real struggle dealing with the sleep deprivation. Mine started sleeping six hours in a row at night at six weeks which is basically what saved my sanity. It gets easier at 6 and 12 weeks and than again at 6 months. I just kept focusing on a week at a time. I longed for someone to take the baby for a walk so I could have a break but no relatives locally so that didn't happen either. I did have a blissful half hour lying down minus baby at the dental hygienist though!

OP - it will get better. Hang in there. Make sure you get help if it's overwhelming you as postnatal depression is really common and not at all sensible to be suffered without help.
You sound like you have the most AMAZINGly fantastic DH and that is something really really valuable - well done to DH for supporting you. Nurture your relationship and appreciate him even though it seems so tough at the moment.
Force yourself out of the house somehow and find some other mums as it will make you feel a whole load better and make the day pass more easily.

You sound like in the exact situation I was in a year and a half ago when we had our DS. My DH is much better able to cope with less sleep than I was, so he used to do the majority of the night feeds and still does the morning bottle at 16 months! There is nothing whatsoever wrong with it. He knew I needed some sleep and he was happy to do it. I know its not the norm but it worked for us completely.

We didn't have any support either as my family is all in Canada and his parents have unfortunately passed away so I was basically on my own with baby all day. When he got home from work he would take over (and still does).

It definitely gets easier! Our DS is 16 months now and sleeps through the night and we both get a decent 8 hours of sleep. Hang in there OP, message me if you would like to chat!

Sounds like you really need his help right now!! Do what works for the two of you xx new babies are tough and life at home is a big adjustment x not helped by everyone expecting you to find it a delight when you are just counting the minutes for some adult company and not to be a human pillow for a few minutes xx it does get better eventually and your dh is clearly a keeper x hang in there xx i found some baby friends willing to admit it was shit and that made a huge difference xx becoming a mum is the best thing that happened to me but the early months were traumatic xx hugs xx

*'He won't be as productive after a bad night with less sleep.'

Boo and indeed hoo.*

Seriously? Lucky person who doesn't have to worry about competency and unemployment.

To echo pps. If this arrangement works for you and your partner then it's fine and not for anyone else to comment on. In the early weeks you do what you need to do to get through.

Personally, I mix fed exactly for this reason so my DP could do some night feeds. He has always needed less sleep than me. He would do the dream feed at 11ish and I would do the 2-3 ish one then he'd do 6am before he went to work. I had a c section and really struggled to move once I was lying down for the first 6 weeks!

Even now that DS2 is nearly a year old DP usually does the morning bottle between 5-6 before going to work. He's just more alert at that time than me. Horses for courses and all that.

Hope you're OK x

YABU I think. It is really tough at the start. I had a complete non sleeping, feeding every 3 minutes (or so it felt like), constantly screaming newborn. But I never expected DH to help with night feeds during the working week, it's not fair to expect him to stay up at night when he has to drive to work in the morning.

When I went back to work, we absolutely shared night wakings. And he took more than half of the housework and cooking when DD was tiny despite working full time.

But I don't think it's fair to have to do night feeds (and both of them) when