Am I being selfish as first time mum by asking this?

[user1466488499]

DS is 6 weeks old and it's been tough as I imagine it is for most first time mums. The sleep deprivation has been exhausting and I have been feeling very low and miserable about the whole motherhood thing.
I've switched from breast to giving my son formula at night as breastfeeding wasn't giving him enough. My DH does the night feeds at midnight and 3am which means I get rest until the 5/6am feed.
I'm drained, tired and DH doesn't return from work til 8pm so it's a long day for me at home with DS. I get a rest when DH covers at night. I've been a bit taken aback by my parents who say I should give my husband a rest when he gets home as he's the one who had to go to work. I would far rather go to work than be the stay at home person. AIBU for expecting my husband to do the night feeds to give me a rest. Am I being soft? Maybe I just need to suck up the crapness of motherhood and tough it out? What does everyone think? Thanks

Your post sounds a bit "me", "I", "me, "I", yes a little selfish but if your Husband is happy with it then let it be however a whole nights sleep is incredible as a new Mum and since babies sleep alot in the day I don't understand why you are so tired. You sound like you are suffering pond like others have said. You should be out getting fresh air and walking in the day with the pram, eating properly, drinking lots of water and meeting up with girlfriends. Have you tried any baby groups? Getting out and about was my saving grace as in the house all day it's long, boring and lonely. My Husband never did any wake ups as I felt if he was going to work all day he should be able to rest and I could nap in the day.

First things first... I promise you this stage will end. It is like being hit by a truck but it will stop and you will feel more human again. There is nothing more exhausting than being a new parent

Secondly... Do what works for you both and your baby. Mr Elbows and I did night about with all our babies. Yes he was in paid employment but that also meant he got a break from the endless pressure of a new baby. That's how he saw it and no matter how much "oh but he works" he got from other people he has always pulled his weight. The "he works" mindset is a slippery slope to a place where women are imprisoned by childcare and men are free to live with no responsibility. Mr Elbows, 18 years down the line, is still bombarded with comment about why he doesn't go out drinking all weekend! Start as you mean to go on and don't believe for a second that asking your husband, your baby's father, to help rear his own child is "selfish".

Can your husband take over till midnight for example then you do the night feeds?

I think if he's going to work, it makes more sense for him to get a night sleep. But if it's working for you both, ignore me.

Sure I'll get shot down but your poor DH!! who has to work and presumably drive there!

You are on mat leave - its shit being sleep deprived I know but he has to work and you get a full nights sleep and the next day able to plan you own day - definitely UR. I used to do all the night stuff and leave DH sleeping (work plus long commute) but I would move in to spare room at the weekend and he covered it to let me recover.

The OP hasn't said what job her DP does or whether/how he commutes, nor whether he has complained about the arrangement. Not everyone's baby sleeps a lot during the day, and some won't be put down so you can't get a proper nap in the daytime.

It's interesting the number of people who consider that a parent with a job needs sleep whereas the parent looking after the baby can do without.

If you're both happy with the arrangement then it doesn't really matter what everyone else thinks!

We had an arrangement in the early days where I went to bed at around 7.30/8 and would sleep until midnight/1am and DH would do all the feeds or whatever was required in this time frame. He would bring DD to me (awake or asleep!) between 12-1 and I would do the rest of the night, and he would sleep until 7 so he could go to work. If she was awake between 7-8 he would also drag her about with him while he got ready for work while I dozed This way we both got a decent stretch of sleep at some point during the night and both felt we could cope the next day.

I never felt it was fair to ask him to do the dead of the night feeds during the week, as when I just had one baby I could sleep when she slept during the day (if she had a sleepy day!). At the weekends we might mix it up a bit!

I do think it is hard on your DH to be doing full days at work and both night feeds, sorry. I don't know what kind of job he does but my job, whilst it is a sedentary office job, requires a lot of thinking and I couldn't do it with that little sleep. I have a 6 month old and I did/do all nights during the week, with DH giving me a night off (in the spare room, so not disturbed) one of the weekend nights.

I found adjusting to motherhood very difficult too and I empathise with your second post where you said the days are long clock watching and waiting for DH to get home. The best advice I can give you is to get out, get out, get out! Do you have any other friends with babies, NCT group etc? Is there a local children's centre, mine is fantastic and puts on free groups every day of the week virtually where you can go along and have a cup of tea and a chat. Sign up to classes if you can afford to, I do mum and baby yoga and baby sensory classes with DS, that's two days of the week filled before I've even met up with any friends. Even now that DS is 6 months and everything is comparatively easy compared to the newborn days, I have to keep busy or I go stir crazy at home. It all just seems a lot less pressured when I'm out with him. He isn't napping? Ah well, he'll fall asleep in the car on the way home. Whereas if I'm at home inside my four walls, I get wound up about the fact that he isn't napping when he should be.

Are you getting out during the day? Do you have a children's centre? I went to my children's centre, bounce and rhyme and the library and a toddler group. The reason for me is so I could sit and breastfeed in a different setting as I was bored at home.

I think you are making a big mistake by trying to compare the relative difficulty of what you are doing vs what your DH is doing. It's not a competition and I think scorekeeping is very detrimental to a relationship. It's lovely that your DH is willing to do the night feeds but I can't imagine doing that every night AND then having to get up, get dressed, drive to work, and attempt to function at a professional level. No doubt your "day job" is hard too, but you can do it in pajamas, on your own schedule, with lots of time spent on the couch watching TV while baby feeds or sleeps. You also can (and should!) take your baby to lunch with friends, for walks in the park, or almost anything else you want to do for your own enjoyment.

I agree with the analogy that you are both at work during the day, so when he comes home baby care should be shared 50/50. I also think you should consider sleeping separately for a short time, so whichever one is not doing the feeding is getting a true restorative night's sleep. It's madness for you both to be disturbed if you don't have to be.

All of that being said, if you and your DH are both happy with the current arrangement, it's nobody else's business. But if he is feeling tired and would appreciate some help with the night feeds, you should share the load. And whatever you do, stop saying what you do is harder than hat he does. It's not a competition.

The OP hasn't compared what she's doing to what her DH is doing! She's just said its the hardest thing she's done and that she'd rather be at work. That's about her and her work, nothing to do with her DH.

My sister had her first baby just a few weeks ago and our parents are always banging on about DH getting his restated mum doing all the feeds etc. TBH if it works for you and DH and he is managing well then it is up to you both. My sister has other health issues which might make things harder especially after a long day. So really, do what works for you. Listen to advice as I am sure your parents mean well but you do not have to follow that advice as it is your baby and marriage.
Best of luck with your new baby bee. Xxx

sharond101 if you think, as you have stated, that the op has pnd then there's no need for the harsh post. Of course she is tired, your first new baby is exhausting, stressful, life-changing and often overwhelming. Baby groups when a baby is 6 weeks is not something everyone is ready for.

What time does your dh start work.
If I am honest i think him doing all the night feeds is a bit unfair when hes working.

What time does baby get put down for the night?

Could you go to bed after babies last feed for bedtime presume around 9ish and then dh do the midnight and you do the 3am one? That way you get 9pm to 3am unbroken and he gets midnight until 6am?

I think you are sorry.

Id go to bed at like nine. Dh could do the midnight feed then bed. Then get up for next feeds as you'd of had a good six hour stretch.

Your parents are numpties. We did combo feeding as son was failure to thrive and when hubby was at home (he worked two days, two nights, four days off) he did night feeds even if he was on days. It meant that I could get some sleep.

Your body is recovering from a pregnancy, your Dh's isn't.

My Mum was hospitalised and had surgery about 4 weeks after giving birth to her first baby, so my sister was looked after in the day by a Grandparent.

My amazing Dad did a full day at work and then collected my sister, went to hospital along with my sister to visit my Mum so she could see her daughter.

He then fed himself dinner and got up in the middle of the night to do all the night feeds. Oh and it was all terry's nappies back then too.

Dh and I did a shift arrangement for looking after Ds1. I breastfed, then he would take over and do the nappy change. Once Ds was on formula Dh did anything after 2am as he could fall straight back to sleep and I couldn't.

Do what works for you. If your Dh is doing ok on the disturbed sleep then keep doing it. Screw what anyone else thinks.

I don't think you're being very fair in asking him to do both night feeds, you can sleep when your baby sleeps during the day if you're tired. New babies tend to sleep often.

That said, do what fits in for BOTH your DH and you.

I echo what nerrsnerr said about getting out - it really fills up the day. Boredom o clock for me was 4-6 as had to be in to do tea etc with dc. If I had no other dc I would have gone out then too!

Maybe try baby clubs, rhyme time etc in morning - you can find something every morning till about 11.30. Then home for lunch or round a friend from baby club. Then garden centre/shopping centre/local walk/free attraction in afternoon. Then home for tea and play. Routine is a life saver, as is being out and about. Most places have bf space. Softplay is a good place to go too. Cheap and kid friendly.

Plus dh doing nightshift fine...if he gets knackered just swap for a few nights then swap back. Lots of dads do it these days. Bf can tire you right out. you need to refuel!!

ahem - someone upthread said it's harder working than being at home with a baby. what bollocks. I have done BOTH. I have breastfed a baby at night and gone to work - fucking hard. I have breastfed a baby all night and stayed at home - fucking hard but also boring and lonely.

Personally I think it is easier going to work - the OP clearly has some low level depression at the very least. Whatever works for you OP - he may well hve an easier day than the OP - we don't know.

OP - you say you are clock watching all day - I sympathise and have been there myself but can you try to set yourself a routine of getting out and having coffee with a friend/ meeting new people etc once a day? Then getting back into bed with a film on for the rest of the day.

IT gets better when they are sitting up and enjoying the world around them - but for now just try to remember your only job is to be rested and try to enjoy your mat leave - personally I hated most of mine and was seriously miserable so I totally understand.

Looking back I wish I had switched off and not worried so much. Just chilled out in bed/ watched films /read books etc.

waterrat that may be a matter of opinion though. I found it much easier to be a SAHM to babies than working full time and having babies. Sleep was very important either way but personally I found trying to function in a working environment on broken sleep was what brought me to my knees.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, being a stay at home mum is one of the most hardest jobs in the world (as well as rewarding) but you need a break and sleep too, to be able to look after the baby properly the next day. I'd forgotten just how hard it is looking after a baby, but now I'm a nan and minding him three days a week because my son is in a high powered job as is his wife but she's dropped to three days a week, and her mum and dad are in full time employment still, as is my husband then it's me who's babysitting. I don't mind though, it's great but goodness me!! at the end of the day I'm absolutely done in, I can just about manage to breath I'm that tired, so like I say, no, I don't think you're being unreasonable.

Sorry, just read your post properly and think we are agreeing with each other - it is personal to each person . I'm very sleep deprived this week ironically - not babies but bastard insomnia.

It is absolutely NOT harder going out to work than being at home looking after a baby.

I used to think that before I had DD1 many years ago now. I went back to work for the rest after my maternity leave, and was very envious of DH when he returned to work just two weeks after the birth.

I would admit that I am slightly surprised that your DH does both night feeds and still goes out to work. Mine just did weekend night feeds once his paternity leave ended. Could you not do the 3am feed? He does the midnight one? Anyway, that is just my opinion and none of my business really but you do what works for you and your DH.

Have you double-checked that your DH is happy with the arrangement? If he is then no problem.

You are able to sleep when the baby sleeps during the day which I expect your DH isn't able to at work.
Because of that I think you are being unreasonable to an extent.
How is he coping with the disturbed sleep?