Am I being selfish as first time mum by asking this?

[user1466488499]

DS is 6 weeks old and it's been tough as I imagine it is for most first time mums. The sleep deprivation has been exhausting and I have been feeling very low and miserable about the whole motherhood thing.
I've switched from breast to giving my son formula at night as breastfeeding wasn't giving him enough. My DH does the night feeds at midnight and 3am which means I get rest until the 5/6am feed.
I'm drained, tired and DH doesn't return from work til 8pm so it's a long day for me at home with DS. I get a rest when DH covers at night. I've been a bit taken aback by my parents who say I should give my husband a rest when he gets home as he's the one who had to go to work. I would far rather go to work than be the stay at home person. AIBU for expecting my husband to do the night feeds to give me a rest. Am I being soft? Maybe I just need to suck up the crapness of motherhood and tough it out? What does everyone think? Thanks

If it works for your family then it is no one else's business.

From the outside to me it looks quite unfair on your DP. I think utility would be more fair for him to do the first night feed and you do the second.

It is really hard OP. After 6 weeks in your body is probably at a really low point. The birth, recovery, breastfeeding and lack of sleep all take their toll. It will pass, it will get better and easier as the weeks go by. I would discuss this with your HV or GP to make sure their are no issues making you extra tired.

Whatever works for you!!

I breastfed for 5 months so it was just me but dh would change nappies if needs be, now we take turns if he wakes up so before we go to bed we will confirm who's shift it is and the other one gets to sleep!

MIL was horrified dh was doing night feeds as it was 'a mothers job' but that is very old fashioned and having a new baby and all your emotions going haywire is exhausting, do whatever keeps your family happy and healthy :)

We also tried doing one feed each a night but found we got more tired doing that whereas now we get a whole night off!

Re "I've been a bit taken aback by my parents who say I should give my husband a rest when he gets home as he's the one who had to go to work."

I think your parents should back off and let you and let you and your dh work it out. Plus looking after a new baby is work!

Re "I would far rather go to work than be the stay at home person." I guess in the future you and your dh will work this one out. Also the feeding at night stage does not last long.

re " AIBU for expecting my husband to do the night feeds to give me a rest." I think him doing the feeds for a short time is fine, long term not so great, not both of them, especially if he has to drive the car to get to work/cycle etc - e.g. concentrate.

You should definitely sleep when you baby sleeps in the day. Get out when you can and meet some other new parents and start to get back into as much of a normal routine as you can.

I also wonder if you may have post natal depression, or at least a bit of the baby blues. I know it was mentioned up thread a bit... but I'd just say if you feel tearful or depressed or whatever it is all normal but then baby blues is normal so get to your GP/health visitor or post natal care/midwife if you still see them, and get some help to work through this.

I was very much house bound for first three months, it was winter and I felt very strange, it did take a while to adjust.

All best wishes.

I think it depends on how much sleep DH is getting. If he can sleep on in the morning for a couple of hours after you get up for the morning feed, then it probably balances out. It sounds like you're struggling at the moment, which is often par for the course, and he's helping you out by letting you sleep. He sounds lovely. As time goes on and things settle down a bit, just try to make sure things are 'fair' sleep wise long term. And do that whichever way works for you both. These first few weeks are the hardest, but it does get easier and as your confidence grows and you start to feel up to getting out for walk, baby groups, story time at the library, etc. then hopefully this will help with your mood. Be kind to yourself OP. And beware of posting on AIBU if you're feeling fragile, there will always be people who will say yes and some who can be a little harsh. It could be hard to deal with if you're feeling down.

Do what works.
Dh usually feeds if she wakes before 1am (not every night now - maybe once or twice a week) and I do early (around 4) and morning (6ish) feeds but then we stay in bed til 8ish (dh gets up at 6.45 and leaves 7.30).
For me knowing that I'll get 3 hours unbroken (though I stir if she wakes) makes me feel better about the night. If we have a terrible night we just stay in bed longer in the morning!
However Friday night we swap so I get a nice sleep!
It does get easier - our dd (4months) only wakes 1/2 times now and can be back down in 15 mins. She slept through once and nappy was fine so now we only change at 6am.

Oh and get used to parents, in laws and other people poking their nose in - they will always have something to say or advice to give on how to do things. Learn to ignore it, work out your way, be firm and don't let them get to you.

Wow what a dh!! Is he happy with this arrangement? He must be exhausted can't you sleep in the day?

"Maybe try baby clubs, rhyme time etc in morning - you can find something every morning till about 11.30. Then home for lunch or round a friend from baby club. Then garden centre/shopping centre/local walk/free attraction in afternoon. "

Not everywhere has all these things. I struggled to get out to toddler groups because ds tended to sleep until 9 am, and there was only one a week within walking distance anyway and I don't drive. Also no garden centre, no free attractions, nobody to have lunch with within walking distance. I did walk up to the bowling green most days, not the nicest walk as it was along long terraced streets with a fairly busy road, but nice place to stop and sit once I'd got there.

I'm another who found work easier, though I did fall asleep in a meeting a few months after returning - I was still breastfeeding so still doing the night feeds. As long as your DH isn't falling asleep at work and is happy with how things are I don't think it's unreasonable.

I think you are either being unreasonable, or depressed. You can catch up on sleep in the day but your husband can't.

My baby is 10 weeks old and I have done all night feeds so far, as he works long hours. I'm also breastfeeding. If you want to continue breastfeeding you should be doing the night feeds as they are essential to building up your supply. It may seem like your baby isn't getting enough as I expect he is cluster feeding, which is also important to build up your supply. Your body will give him enough. You only need to be concerned if he isn't gaining weight.

I really feel for you the first few months are so hard. I do think it's hard on your dh to do night feeds and work. We have twins and once my husband went back to work after paternity I used to do night feeds by myself and leave him sleep in the spare room.

He used to feed them at 10pm so I could get a few hours before the next feed at 1am.

It is hard being up all night and home all day . You and your dh should do what's best for you tell your mum to mind her own.

It isn't always possible to catch up on sleep in the daytime and nap when the baby naps, for various reasons. Also, no one knows whether her DH has a problem with this arrangement! All the OP has mentioned is her own parents disagreeing with it, which is neither here nor there as they don't get to decide!

It's interesting the number of people who consider that a parent with a job needs sleep whereas the parent looking after the baby can do without.

Presumably parent with a job gets paid for a certain level of productivity and risks losing that job if productivity drops, which it may do if the employee is sleep deprived.

First, I have huge sympathy for you. I found the first 6months really grim and used to cry morning and night because I was so overwhelmed and tired. I had PND but TBH I think it was more a natural reaction to the relentless work of caring for a small baby.

At 6 weeks PP I don't think YABU to expect help at night, as you're still recovering from the birth, but I think you should be taking on at least the 3am feed soon. Otherwise your DH does a full day at work then the nightshift, when is his downtime or chance for a proper sleep? Either that or alternate nights. Even if he's happy doing it now, he must be exhausted. You need to look after each other. Is a night nanny a possibility? I would have had one if we could have afforded it.

My DS is now 1year, he still wakes at least 2x night and I do all the night wakings, I have done since he was 3 weeks old. DH helps a lot at weekends, and now he goes to nursery part time so if I'm tired mid-week I book a day of annual leave and have a day off to sleep!

DH gets home around 8pm after a long commute, high-stress job, so I wouldn't dream of expecting him to do night feeds. He helped at night while on pat leave but then I took over nights. The way I see it, I can nap in the day with baby, I can zone out in a coffee shop or walk in the fresh air or chat with other mums if I'm tired. Whereas he has deadlines to meet, people to manage, important decisions to make and has to function mentally at a high level. He needs unbroken sleep more than I do on week nights. His boss and team won't be forgiving if he's half asleep in meetings or making mistakes!

What sort of job does your DH do? Have you spoken to him about how he feels at the moment?

"Sleep while the baby sleeps" is the worst advice I ever received. I've never been able to nap, I doubt I ever will. On the rare occasions when I did manage to get myself to sleep in the middle of the day DS would wake up after 10 mins and I would feel even worse than if I had just kept going.

Have you managed to get up and out of the house regularly OP? I found it a real effort, but when I made myself get dressed and go out, even to buy a loaf of bread or post a letter, I felt so much better for it, and it took care of some of the clock watching during the long day. At some point you will start to feel up to NCT meet ups or playgroups, which will also help with some adult company, but for now maybe commit to going out four out of the five days you are alone at home?

To everyone saying young babies sleep loads during the day so catch up on sleep then - as a FTM to a 5 week old I can categorically say that is not the case for everyone! He naps 20-30 mins at a time, between feeding/changing/winding, and will only nap on me so it's not always safe (or comfortable) for me to sleep!

I'm EBF and so we don't share the feeds obviously, but at weekends DH does the winding/nappy changes during the night which helps a lot. On weekdays I won't wake him past midnight so he has a decent sleep before work. While, for me, a days work is less exhausting, that is only comparable when working after having a good night's sleep. I can't imagine being up multiple times through the night then getting up, dressed, commuting and delivering a high working standard full time.

BUT ultimately if your DH is fine with it and can cope then that's great for you!! I wouldn't turn it down. Def agree with pp's try and get out - even if it's just out with the pram. Fresh air and exercise is so simple but does the world of good

Meant to add, my DS is breastfed but I exclusively expressed from 2-4 months then introduced formula some nights to help him sleep, from 6months onwards. I went back to breastfeeding at night to avoid the faff of making up bottles!

Oh and until he was bigger I also found it hard to nap in the day, but when he slept in his Moses basket I'd lie down for half an hour or so with my eyes shut. Eventually I learned to fall asleep instantly so would have a few little power naps every day.

I agree with other posters saying get out every day. We did baby yoga, cinema, classes, massage, swimming, buggy-fit, coffee meet ups with NCT group, I also went to BF support groups. You realise all the other mums feel the same and you get to build some fun stuff and nice chats into the day which eases the stress and tiredness.

Every baby is different, every family is different.

Do what works for you.

Other people love to preach at mothers, telling them what they should and should not be doing. Apparently, what worked for them must be the one true way. You'll be miserable as fuck if you try to obey them all.

Do what works for you. Fuck the rest of them. Smile and nod and do what works for you.

Personally I don't think it's fair for one parent to have seven nights of broken sleep a week and the other not.

It depends what works for you. I don't cope well on broken sleep. My OH copes fine and gets on with it. When DS was was younger he would get up once or twice a night with him and still spring off to work the next day. He said he had no doubt that despite being physically tired at work, that my day was much more draining. I did the weekends. It worked for us and my OH was happy. Everything be else can butt out. If your OH is fine then it's fine.

It gets easier, or you'll cope better, as the weeks go in, cant remember which one.

I bf and used to, if possible, eat early then hand a fed baby over to dh when he got back from work and I went to bed even if it was only 6 or 7pm and got 2-3 hours. dh would sometimes take ds out in the car as he always slept there and it was guaranteed I wouldn't get disturbed.

dh would bring ds up for next feed and a chat then I went back to bed for a bit again. dh would do the bath and I'd get up for a last feed before settling for night. Then I'd do the night feeds. even though he was tired from work dh loved his alone time with ds while I slept.

Dh drove and did physical work and I didn't feel it would be safe for him to lose a lot of sleep when he had to work the next day, although he did pitch in when I was struggling, but only the odd night if needed.

First few weeks are really hard, you need to catch sleep any minute you can during the day/early evening because you wont get it at night. If you think you are struggling more than you should speak to your HV or GP.

It does pass sooner than you think.

Oh my goodness those first mental days/weeks of having a new baby, particularly the first one, were for me, just so overwhelming, disorientating and exhausting. I felt completely out of my depth, had no idea what I was doing, and had never experienced tiredness like it...horrendous.

It's a shame actually that those very first days/weeks do pass in such a sleep-deprived blur as I remember very little detail about DS, I remember more crying, feeling depressed (undiagnosed PND I suspect), and so tired I could weep.

My OH was very good and helped a lot with the nighttimes. I was BFing but also added formula in fairly soon after birth as I was terrified he wasn't getting enough.

OH slept a lot in the spare room with the moses basket, would give DS a dream feed of expressed milk, and then settle him and bring him back into me when he next woke, when I would take over and have him for the rest of the night. This seemed to work for us, and I felt like we were sharing the tough bits as well as the amazing bits.

I recall vividly crawling into my bed a couple of days after his birth (which was traumatic - 28 hours, ventuse delivery, complicated, episiotomy etc..) sore, aching, tired and tearful, and just wanting everything to go away. I think had OH not let me have those moments, I may have cracked up altogether.

Having said all that, it's annoying to hear but it does get better, and I had another one 2 years later. She was (and still is) hard work, but you know more what to expect, and the sheer terror of it all isn't quite so bad.

Good luck OP..you'll get through it.

It will get easier.

You are very lucky. My DH goes out the door at 7.30am and gets in at 9pm, Monday to Friday. He didn't do any night feeds during the working week when my DD was small. He slept in the spare room until she was 3 months. I thought I was cracking up and thought about divorce and little else for months. I have PND and this really didn't help. He thought and still does think that the sleeping situation was fair. I still disagree. She's 6 months now and sleeping through thank god. I wish I had your support.