Am I being selfish as first time mum by asking this?

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DS is 6 weeks old and it's been tough as I imagine it is for most first time mums. The sleep deprivation has been exhausting and I have been feeling very low and miserable about the whole motherhood thing.
I've switched from breast to giving my son formula at night as breastfeeding wasn't giving him enough. My DH does the night feeds at midnight and 3am which means I get rest until the 5/6am feed.
I'm drained, tired and DH doesn't return from work til 8pm so it's a long day for me at home with DS. I get a rest when DH covers at night. I've been a bit taken aback by my parents who say I should give my husband a rest when he gets home as he's the one who had to go to work. I would far rather go to work than be the stay at home person. AIBU for expecting my husband to do the night feeds to give me a rest. Am I being soft? Maybe I just need to suck up the crapness of motherhood and tough it out? What does everyone think? Thanks

gonetosee you're so right about men's needs always being seen as more important. I was rushed to theatre after my DD was born as I had retained placenta (big PPH...blood everywhere!) and when we tell people the birth story they often turn to DH and say "oh that must have been so traumatic for you"! I'm always a bit when we get that reaction but it's happened loads! Sorry you've had similar.

OP: 6 weeks is hard. My two are young adults now but I still remember that awful tiredness, boredom, feeling low, a bit trapped and unsure if I'm doing the right thing.
Turns out I was iron deficient.....boy did those iron tablets make a difference! I felt almost human again!
Rest or sleep when baby sleeps if you can.
My DD was up often during the night but took frequent naps during the day.
My Ds barely napped during the day but slept in longer spells at night.
I was going through some really stressful stuff when he was a few weeks old and I really felt like I wasn't producing enough milk. Tried formula. He guzzled it down first time during the day and slept for 4 hours. Switched to formula 100% pretty quickly after that. He then developed a nice wee routine of naps during the day and SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT!
When DD was born DH was exhausted just from me getting up to feed DD during the night. He couldn't perform at his work.
When Ds was born DH slept in spare room during the week and I co slept with baby, which meant I could rest more while feeding him.
As pps have said....do whatever works for you all.
I remember thinking "No one told me it would be this hard".........though in hind sight I don't think I was listening 😂

Trying to say this in the nicest way possible but I'm surprised that you say your sleep deprived yet you aren't doing the middle of the night feeds. If DP told me he was sleep deprived whilst I'm doing the night feeds I'd have his head...

Have to agree with this I'm afraid. I have an extremely stressful job working long unsociable hours but truthfully a day with my 5 week old after a decent stretch of sleep like OP is getting is a good bit easier than a day at work. Looking after a baby IS exhausting, but I think a huge reason for that is the actually sleep deprivation. Maybe your low mood OP is contributing to the exhaustion?

Everyone is different. I did night feeds and was on own with twins from 4 days old but bloke has poorly eyes so needs sleep. It was hard but I also slept when I could, didn't bother with housework and did what I could. The first weeks are hardest but I found getting out to groups really helped

If it works for you then fine I guess, but keep a close eye on your husband. After a while the lack of sleep can catch up big time.

It is a massive change. It sounds like it's possible you'd rather be at work? Would you be happier returning? You could always consider shared parental leave so your DH does a month or two then you go back to it?

I'd allow his to sleep at night as you can nap during day when baby naps but he needs to focus all day at work

Then at weekend I asked him to help at night so you get a sleep

I think that would be fair, I don't think it's fair him doing nights and working all day

Wow, some of you are really overstating how hard it is to do a full time job when slightly sleep deprived.

OP has said her DH goes back to sleep straight after doing the feeds, and that he's coping ok. And that he's happy to do it. And that she's shattered at the end of the day and needs him to do it. All of this suggests that she is not expecting too much from him.

It can be entirely manageable to work full time and feed a baby at night. I did it for 5 months after I went back from mat leave and DD was still breastfeeding 3 times a night (at least). And this was to a full time high pressure job with a long commute. You manage, that's what new parents do. And you find a balance that works for both partners. This idea that the breadwinner gets to just work and do nothing else is depressingly 1950s.

I think it is a bit unfair on your DH to be doing all the night feeds, every night. Is there any way you can split it? E.g you go to bed soon after DH gets in and he does the midnight feed, then you deal with anything after 3am? Or splitting the week so you each do a certain number of nights on baby duty, as it were?

The first few weeks are so hard in terms of working out what the hell you're doing and adjusting to the brutal change in your lifestyle. 6 weeks is so early, it really does get better, promise! Have you had your GP postnatal check yet? Mention the tiredness, it could well be you're anaemic as well.

I was you, 100%. Totally focused on the effect the baby was having on me, how crap my life had become, how hard it was, blaming everyone (when it was my decision to have a baby), resenting the baby (incredible, when I look back) for waking in the night and being so dependent on me. I was totally lacking in creative ways to solve my problems.

Here's my advice. It stinks and there's nothing you can do about it. It's going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better. Don't fight it. Give in. Take short cuts where you can. Do what it takes to stay sane. Promise yourself that once the worst is over you'll look back and say you did your best and now is the time to put yourself first a bit.

And yes, I think you're being unfair on your DH. There's no escaping the fact that having a baby is hard hard work and involves lots of physical and mental deprivation. You wouldn't want to do your old job PLUS night wakings, I imagine (and believe me it's no fun going to work dinners and drinks shattered and knowing you've got to do the midnight and 3am shifts AND go to work the next morning). You're kidding yourself if you truly think DH is fine with this. Either that or you've married a saint.

This idea that the breadwinner gets to just work and do nothing else is depressingly 1950s

I don't think many people are suggesting that are they?

If the OP is struggling to do any night feeds 6 weeks in, that concerns me a little tbh, and that's kind of separate to what her DH is or isn't doing.

And DH might be ok with it now but in 1/3/6 months that might not be the case, and what happens then - OP might need to do more and would she be ok with that?

I just remember the struggle of the early days. I was so so tired. So so low.

I was breast feeding after a difficult birth, lots of blood loss.

But you know what? It doesn't matter what your exact situation is, if you are exhausted and low then you have my utter sympathy.

Ask for help, take it.

Get fresh air.

Speak to HV.

I promise It will get better.
Final advice. Ignore the competitive martyrs.mots you, and how you adapt that matters. There's always someone who will have had it tougher.

Hi OP - personally I wouldn't have asked DH to do night feeds, but would not say YABU because everyone's different. I was BF up until 6 months anyway, so it was never an option. I became quite good at napping in the day and found I could survive as long as I got a 3 hour block in a 24 hour period, with other naps interspersed! I just accepted that I was on the baby's schedule and stopped stressing about anything else.

It's when you're on your 2nd, 3rd, 4th child and can't lie in if the baby sleeps - that's the killer!

Try and get out every day -join as many baby groups as will have you. Get people round to your house with their babies. Enlist your mother in the day if she's local -or anyone else for that matter. If you break up the days they don't drag half as much.

The baby is portable now, it can get more tricky once they want to be on the move.

If you're feeling flat in general, please go and see your GP. If you're suffering depression you must get help, for your baby as well as yourself.

Best wishes.

I found I could face the day if DH's did the morning feed before he went to work at around 6am, put DS back down and he'd sleep then until 9ish, DH did do his share of the night feeds too though when I was exhausted. Whatever works for you, and I promise it gets easier.
Let the housework go, do the same weekly on line food shop and keep meals simple, I remember feeling just like you with my first, I missed my life, I missed my DH! But it all comes good in the end.

To be honest, I never made my husband do any night feeds. Yes, I was exhausted, yes I hated him slightly for snoring away while I was up 6 times a night but there was a little voice in my head saying that to wake I'm would be unfair since he has to go out to work, drive, be professional whereas if I needed to I could stay in my pjs and cuddle/snooze with the baby all day. Plus, dh wouldn't even hear as when she woke, whereas even if I'd asked him to feed her I'd have been wide awake probably checking he was doing it the same way I would (ridiculous I know) cause I'm a control freak. So no point both of us being awake.

Not for a second saying that what I did is right or wrong, it's just what I did.

I'd definitely ask you midwife/hv about anaemia and post-natal depression.

You could also look into groups at your local library - i found these an easier way into mother and baby groups etc as the focus is on the person reading the story or singing thw songs etc. rather than the new mum and baby.

My husband assisted five nights a week during the first six months of DS1's life as a. I developed an autoimmune condition at the time that was absolutely debilitating and b. Baby had severe silent reflux that meant a good forty minutes of being held upright after each feed to get him settled.

Even then, some people were aghast that my husband was up at all at night, for he had an office job to go to, even though on many days I could hardly walk more than a hundred yards, whilst still having to take care of a refluxy baby.

You do whatever is right for your family. If your OH is fine with it, then that's the end of the story. I do urge you, though, to get your thyroid and iron levels checked.

Fuck it! If you're happy, your husband is happy, what the fuck has anyone else to do with it!

I don't understand all the martyrdom on here sometimes. DH and I shared the night waking when we had a puppy even though he had to be in work in the morning and I didn't.

It's great that he's doing all the night feeds at the minute but it's not sustainable.
If you go to bed at 9pm and sleep until the 3am feed then you both get some uninterrupted sleep.
These early weeks are so tough. Try not to get into the competitive tiredness thing-it can create such issues in a relationship.
And totally agree with the advice to get out and meet other people in the same situation. Helps you to realise you're not alone and those with older babies can help you see things DO improve.

And as for comments from parents, suggest they fill your freezer with home made meals instead of filling your head with unsolicited advice

Do you sleep with the baby each time it sleeps? If not - you should!

I'm so sorry to hear that things are tough. Like you, I found the first few weeks of having a baby impossibly hard.

I agree with others that it's totally up to you and your husband what works for you, and it's no-one else's business. It's great that your DH is being really supportive - he sounds really hands-on which is great. As long as he's ok with it, don't let anyone make you feel bad about it. And do try to keep talking to each other about how you're both doing/feeling.

Have you and DH considered shared parental leave?

I do think you should chat to both your GP and HV about whether you might have post-natal depression/anxiety, or be at risk of developing it. One in ten women do (including me) - it's surprisingly common. It's an awful thing to have to go through - but there's loads of support that you can access via your GP, so please do use it if you think it would be helpful. It would also be worth getting all the blood/urine tests for various other conditions eg iron/anaemia etc.

As well as being a lot less mentally stimulating than most jobs, looking after a baby is really draining both physically and emotionally. Different people experience it differently. For me, with PNA, the first 6 weeks of having a baby were the hardest thing I've ever experienced.

Baby clubs and socialising are really valuable and I'd strongly recommend getting out as much as you can. But they won't resolve PND if that's what you've got (only medical support can do that). Plus you might find it hard to get clubs in the first place, if you are suffering.

Incidentally, extreme tiredness is a symptom of PND/PNA. So if you were suffering from that, it would be all the more necessary to let your DH do night feeds until you get better (which can happen quite quickly once you get help).

I'm sure some people will slate me for such a PND-heavy post. But it's worth looking into, at least.

I'd also strongly recommend joining the July babies thread in the post-natal section of MN - there's loads of lovely ladies waiting to give you moral support!

Obviously all the above is just my thoughts - you need to do what's right for you.

Sending you virtual hugs.

Tobebythesea and ineedwine - hope you're doing ok / feel better soon.

I think you're fairing quite well, tbh.

If he's doing the night feeds, couldn't you sleep in another room? Seems silly to be feeling so exhausted, losing sleep anyway, awake beside him.

For those saying a job is more difficult, it clearly depends. Having worked 12 hour weekend night shifts in a poorly run homeless shelter AND had a small non-sleeper who woke a lot, the former was much easier. DH's desk job with free coffee and breaks? Piece of piss compared to a small baby. Thankfully he knew that too.

Course you can work, commute and feed at night. I was the main earner and breastfed until my child was 2. At one point he reversed cycled and woke 5/6 times a night.

Single parents manage too.

How many times on MN do posters complain their dp goes out late several times a week socially or with work (often drinking), if people can manage that you can manage a night feed.

I do feel we have stepped back in time sometimes - or are falling for men saying their working day is so much harder. I have a stressful job and a 3 hour (driving) commute but it is much, much easier then being stuck at home 24/7.

Op I haven't read all 7 pages but what about returning to work sooner or switching so your dp is on leave instead. I really do believe not everyone is suited to being at home full time. The lack of mental stimulation is a killer (r4 is good).

None of your parents business - old fashioned sexist nonsense. If he was a single parent he'd have to juggle far more.

I'm surprised at the responses here
DH can go to bed at 9, get up at 12 -1, back to sleep then up at 3 , back to bed 3.30, up for work at 6.30 - that's 8 hours
It also gives OP a desperately needed break from baby duty and the DH some one- to_one time.