Be annoyed at my children's step mum for her lack of acknowledgement of them?

[bumblingapril]

My exhusband has been married to his new wife for 8 years. They have 2 little girls and they all get on very well with my 13 and 11 year old. She appears to be a great step mum generally I just get very annoyed at his wife as she never offers to take my children anywhere alone, it always has to be with my ex and their kids too. And she never comes to any events for my kids (ie plays or football matches)

She also calls them "my husbands children" and I hear from friends there are hardly ever pictures of my kids on her social media and if there are, their referred to as "dd sister or dd's brother".

Would it be to much for her to refer to them as her step kids or become nor involved in their life as such? We have all accepted her as part of their life in a parental role but it doesn't feel like she feels the same?

Why would she take your children out alone?

Never mind all the rest of it. I think your expectations are way off.

You're being totally unreasonable

I bet if she referred to them as her children and insisted on taking them out alone she'd be criticised for being overbearing and nor knowing when to take a step back.

This is not what I expected. Usually people are kicking off because step parents are doing this kind of stuff

I think she's made boundaries as not to step on anyone's toes.

YABU but nice to see a different step mum thread

YABU

She sounds fine. Why would you want her to be so involved?

Why would she take out your children without hers?

You are expecting far too much. Focus on her being a great step mum and the things she does rather than the things she doesn't do.

I feel bad for step-parents I often think they can't win.

A lot of step-parents, step-especially, who get bashed for being too involved in their step-children's lives.

Umm, yes you are being unreasonable . Do your children have an issue with her?

*step-mums not step-especially. Sorry!

She has probably read the postseason here about stepmothers so is trying not to get too involved.

You sound very nice, and not the norm of slating a stepmother for taking interest in her stepchildren.

Postseason??? Posts on

Maybe she doesn't want to overstep her role. Otherwise, your question may have been, "My ex-husband's wife thinks she's my children's mother. It's not her place to put pics of them on Facebook or take them out without husband being there."

Instead, perhaps she's being respectful.

She probably doesn't want to step on you toes, you see enough posts on here about step mums who (in mum's eyes) over-involve themselves.

YABU
When I was 13 and had a new 'Step Father'-I hated referring to him as that and always referred to him by his name or 'My Mother's Husband'.
Your wishes don't come into this. Do you daughters even what to go on trips with her alone?
Nah. I think the Step Mum knows her boundaries. You don't appear to...

There could be a few reasons why she is like this. One could be because she sees that you are their mum and doesnt want to overstep the mark by being close to them. We have all seen threads on here where some mums are annoyed if their kids step parent treats the children like their own.

Step mothers can never do anything right.

Just back the fuck off and let her get on with it.

YABU. Your kids already have a mum: you. It's not her job to mum them; it's her job to make sure they're safe when they're with her & to ensure they get to meet & bond with her kids. It sounds like she's doing an admirable job there, not sure why you need more.

It's a difficult balance to strike for a stepmum. She doesn't want to step on your toes and your kids have a mum after all. Not everyone is comfortable with the word "step", it has some baggage. I call myself Nat's stepmum, but other stepparents I know prefer "DW's child/ DD's brother".

*not Nat of course

Yabu.

So she should leave her own children at home with your children's dad (who your children are there to see) and take them out? Where do you think she should be taking them?

And maybe it's your ex who's asked her not to put photos on Facebook? Or maybe your DDs?

She seems like she's respecting you as their mum and not trying to butt in.

Yabu she's not their mum, she sounds like a great step mum

I think you're getting wound up about nothing if I'm honest.

I don't really understand why you think she should take your DC out by herself? Why would she?

I agree with PPs who have pointed out that usually Step-patents (usually mothers) get it in the neck for 'doing too much' bit in the interests of moving it forward - how much do you intetact with her? This would give you a better idea of why she handles it the way she does.. Plus perhaps open up the opportunity to discuss how you all work as a blended family , eg put pictures up on social media if her and the kids want to. If the kids are happy and well treated when they are there, then I wouldn't worry too much.