Be annoyed at my children's step mum for her lack of acknowledgement of them?

[bumblingapril]

My exhusband has been married to his new wife for 8 years. They have 2 little girls and they all get on very well with my 13 and 11 year old. She appears to be a great step mum generally I just get very annoyed at his wife as she never offers to take my children anywhere alone, it always has to be with my ex and their kids too. And she never comes to any events for my kids (ie plays or football matches)

She also calls them "my husbands children" and I hear from friends there are hardly ever pictures of my kids on her social media and if there are, their referred to as "dd sister or dd's brother".

Would it be to much for her to refer to them as her step kids or become nor involved in their life as such? We have all accepted her as part of their life in a parental role but it doesn't feel like she feels the same?

[tofutti]

YABU I'm afraid. It's great that you're not possessive of your kids but it's unreasonable to expect your kids to have 3 parents (or even 4?) including 'a second mother' when your ex-H's wife doesn't have the same for her children.

Maybe you could offer to do some childcare/babysitting for her to bring the two of you closer?

[ThanksForAllTheFish]

I do feel sorry for step parents as they can't seem to do right for wrong but I can kind of see where the OP is coming from.

Step mum has been in the children's lives since they were small, so over 8 years+ you would think she would have developed a bond with them, be interested in them as individuals, want to see thier plays etc. The children were 3 and 5 when thier dad married this woman so chances are they can't actually remember life without her being a part of it.

On the other hand Step mum could just be very wary of stepping on anyone's toes. For all we know she could have had a bad experience with her own parents / step parents and she's trying not to make the same mistakes. Maybe she has very different views on you with regards to some parenting issues (clothing /screens/ earpiercing etc) and has decided the best way forward is to keep her distance and not become too involved. I think is impossible to tell without hearing her side of the story but I don't think she sounds like she is doing anything malicious.

OP I really think the best route would be to talk to her. Invite her to things such as plays etc. Let her know that both you and your kids want her there and that you see her as a part of thier family. I really don't see anything changing unless you talk to her. She could be keen to be a bit more involved but reluctant because she doesn't want to step on your toes.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I think I kind of get it too - she has no wish to have anything to do with you, and doesn't have an acknowledged personal relationship with your DC - they are either her husband's children, or her children's siblings, but at no point does she say "my stepchildren". That is a little hurtful, total dissociation from them.

But - is she kind to them? does she treat them fairly at their house? Does she talk to them, ask them about their lives, acknowledge their existence and care for them? Because if she does, then that's more important than a social acknowledgement of being their stepmother.

[paxillin]

But they're my everything!

Of course they are YOUR everything. They are not their uncle's, stepmum's, siblings' teacher's or postman's everything. That is a role for mums and dads only. They will have made this discovery themselves aged 2 or 3 at nursery.

[RepentAtLeisure]

If you want a closer relationship with her, take the initiative. Invite her and her dc's over for a bbq.

As others have said, this is quite a refreshing post as people are usually complaining of the opposite behaviour. This woman is probably thinking she's got it right!

[Bahhhhhumbug]

Yes Lello I am sure age is significant in whether you call them DSCs or DHs' DCs . But on a slightly different topic but related I call my eldest DGD my DGD although really she is my DSGD and her sister is my only biological DGD. I would never refer to DGD1 as 'my DGD's sister' or even worse 'my DGD's half sister' although technically that is her only 'blood tie' to me.
Well actually I tell a lie as sometimes if someone I am close friends with or have a good relationship with and I don't just think they are being nosey is talking about family I will sometimes explain that she is actually my DSGD and that her and my DGD2 share the same mum. But I will always add that I love them equally (and I do , hand on heart ) and never really think of them as anything other than my two DGDs.
Again though I think age comes into this as my DS has been her stepdad since she was 18months old and her own father basically did one soon after she was born and never looked back, so my son really is more of 'a dad' to her than most stepfathers.
Had her father been on the scene still (and his parents )and her mother had met my son when her DD was say 8 or 9 I think I probably would've checked if it was ok to call her my DGD and her to call me Nana.

[Bahhhhhumbug]

Well done if you followed that btw I know all the characters involved and I struggled reading it back. Families eh ? so complicated these days

[phillipp]

but at no point does she say "my stepchildren". That is a little hurtful, total dissociation from them.

The op can not possibly know wether the step mother never ever refers to them as 'my step children'.

I can't help wonder if the op forces her children to call their step mother 'step mother' or maybe even 'mum'.

[Lelloteddy]

Bahhhhumbugg I followed it ( kinda )

I do think that MN has a hugely distorted representation of step parenting relationships, and it's mainly negative ones which people post about. For me, my step kids are no less in terms of ensuring their physical, emotional and psychological well being than my own kids. They are all children. We are adults and I think that's often what causes blended families to fail. Too many immature partners demanding attention at the cost of children's wellbeing.
They are my partners children. I adore him, he adores his kids and the attitudes expressed on this and many other threads are so ugly and foreign to me. The idea of not spending any time alone with any of my step kids is so bizarre. Similarly DP not being 'allowed' to take mine swimming or to a movie etc on his own is so cold and unnatural.
I do think that the huge percentage of second marriages which fail have a bearing too. If you're not getting on with your husband or partner, very often it's his kids who fall into the line of fire.

Luckily in my real world uncomplicated step parents and step parenting and happy, well balanced kids are more of the norm than is presented on MN.

[StepCatsmother]

If you want a closer relationship with her, take the initiative. Invite her and her dc's over for a bbq.

Completely agree with RepentAtLeisure comment.

I am the sort of stepmum the OP was probably hoping for but that's been possible because I slowly & carefully built a relationship with the kids mum, at the same time as them. We don't always see eye to eye but we respect each other's position in the children's lives and have allowed that position to be defined by what the children want, not what either of us thinks the other should be doing. Bloody hard work but worth it.

Not everyone can do this (the dynamics of the break up can play heavily into this), and I think generally stepmums do best to err on the side of caution because most mums seem to see a lot of what the step does as interference.

[user1468407812]

Whilst she most likely doesn't begrudge her husbands past, she may not want to engage in it herself any further than she really needs to. You are the mother of her husbands elder children, most likely feels they don't need somebody else trying to be mum, as long as she is friendly and caring whilst they are within her shared care then I think you have nothing to worry about.

[user1471734618]

She sounds very reasonable tbh

[Caffeinator]

YABU

[user1471734618]

if you want 'lack of acknowledgement' how about a stepmother that stops contact, and when the children ARE there, she speaks in a different language?

That is why my children got.

Your children's SM sounds lovely, with a good awareness of stepfamily boundaries.

[DelicatePreciousThing1]

@DoreenLethal

Why must you be so utterly nasty to the OP?

[tigertreats]

I think you should offer an olive branch of friendship, only something very light .

If you make it clear that you think she's a great stepmother and you are happy her children spend time with her then it may all resolve. I would never, for example, post pics of other people's children on Facebook as some people really don't like it.

Worth a try. You are likely to have more and more people to share as time and babies move on!

[CedricSydneySneer]

She probably can't win. If she was playing mum she might feel she'd be stepping on your toes.

Your dds have a mum and a dad it's best that she is their friend. As long as she's kind to them I'd be happy with that.

[Chocolatefudgecake100]

Sooooo because shes trying to do things with her own kids and your and not seperate them and make them feel different your pissed off? Yabu

[JacquettaWoodville]

Taking them to get nails done is quite an aunt like thing to do, though. Aunts don't also have to make sure homework is done, meals are ready etc - that's more parental.

Any family with four kids will have less time to spend with any one child, especially if there is a meaningful age gap

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

Whilst she most likely doesn't begrudge her husbands past, she may not want to engage in it herself any further than she really needs to.

That's a very good point. She's not stopping the children from seeing their dad or anything like that, but she also probably doesn't really want to bend over backwards doing any more than she needs to.
In all honesty, she probably doesn't want to take the children out or go to their shows. I get the feeling she would rather be doing other things- and that is absolutely fine.

[JacquettaWoodville]

Do you have 50:50 care or is it a different split?

[Idliketobeabutterfly]

they aren't her children.

[JacquettaWoodville]

"Jacquetta social media portrayals are often significantly different from real life though. Are the kids allowed to refer to each other as brother/sister at home and in front of stepmum? You'd be amazed at how many adults make this just another issue for kids from blended families to deal with."

Pure speculation - you have one piece of evidence which is that they are called brother and sister in the medium described, and you've decided that means they aren't elsewhere, based on nothing.

Nice.

OP, what do your DCs call her? Her first name? Ma?

[JacquettaWoodville]

And in what context does she say "they are my husband's kids"? Given they've been in her life 8 years, I assume most friends and relatives would know who she meant by "bobby and susy are over this weekend" or whatever -

[carefreeeee]

I think a step parent should treat the kids the same as their own, as far as possible. Especially if the children were young when they first knew each other. Making a child feel second best is not going to help in the long run.

The real parents for their part should back off and accept that some things may be different than the way they would have done it themselves.

The issue is when people make the children into a bargaining chip.