Be annoyed at my children's step mum for her lack of acknowledgement of them?

[bumblingapril]

My exhusband has been married to his new wife for 8 years. They have 2 little girls and they all get on very well with my 13 and 11 year old. She appears to be a great step mum generally I just get very annoyed at his wife as she never offers to take my children anywhere alone, it always has to be with my ex and their kids too. And she never comes to any events for my kids (ie plays or football matches)

She also calls them "my husbands children" and I hear from friends there are hardly ever pictures of my kids on her social media and if there are, their referred to as "dd sister or dd's brother".

Would it be to much for her to refer to them as her step kids or become nor involved in their life as such? We have all accepted her as part of their life in a parental role but it doesn't feel like she feels the same?

[Bambamrubblesmum]

Hardly a new wife if they've been married 8 years

You sound like you've got your nose out of joint because she hasn't put your two on a pedestal above her own kids.

FFS step parents can't win whatever they do.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Why would she take your children out by herself?

Their father may well prefer spending that time with them.

[GirlDownUnder]

Do you take their two little girls out on your own? Or have lots of their pictures up in your social media?

I think she is doing a job in being their step-mum

[JacquettaWoodville]

At 8, DD1 asked me not to put pictures of her on FB unless she'd seen them first. When she was younger, I didn't ask her.

Maybe at 13 and 11, she think your DDs will put up their own pics as they want to on FB etc.

Does their dad post pictures of them?

Presumably your ex comes to football matches etc whilst she stats home with their kids? Have they asked her to come to plays etc and she's said no? Would they like her to come sometimes and their dad stay home?

[acasualobserver]

She appears to be a great step mum generally

Perhaps settle for this?

[SvalbardianPenguin]

They are your children, not hers. Why should she take them out on their own without their Dad or their own children?

If she was calling them her children and not yours then she'd be flamed for being overbearing and over involved.

[Ditsy4]

I think it is respectful not to put your children's photos on social media. Too many people put photos of other people's children without asking. If she is good with the children and encouraging bonding with her children then that should be what you want. Your ex should be the one attending events. She has two other children to look after. Perhaps she doesn't feel you would want her there. Could your children make her a special invitation if they would her and there siblings to attend? That way she knows it is special.

[champagnefromapapercup]

Perhaps she's respecting your role as their mother and doesn't want to create upset. Have you ever met with her or talked to her to discuss issues with your children that the two of could work together to resolve as adults involved in their life? If not how would she know what you want her to do? Would you complain if she went the other way? It seems like she's found a central position but unfortunately you're not quite happy with that balance.

Your children aren't adults yet, it sound like she'd want to go their weddings, would want to see their milestones. At the minute sounds like she'd help with homework and offer advice but backs off actively mothering them. I wouldn't blame her for not taking your children out if also means taking hers out. Who wants to take 4 kids out alone, it'll be hard work. I'd be DELIGHTED my children aren't over her social media as I wouldn't want heir pics all over social media.

Do you invite her to the school plays? Do they know you'd be pleased to see her there? Why not extend a hand of friendship and two adults involved in your children. Being an adult around kids can be thankless at the best of times but doing it as a step mother more so. For all you know she may not feel comfortable doing more without your blessing and little does she know you want her to!

[Oblomov16]

Seriously? Is this a joke thread?

[kurlique]

Blimey... I'm often one of only 2 or 3 parents watching matches when my DD plays sport... The other parents don't come and watch let alone step-parents!! Count your blessings OP

[CalmYaTits]

Funny how the op hasn't returned.

[TikTakTok]

OP, She appears to be a great step mum generally

^ This is what you should be focusing on. It's good!

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

Bloody hell yabu.

[FreshHorizons]

She has read too much MN where step parents get it in the neck if they get too involved and heaven forbid they should love the children! She is playing safe.

[Lelloteddy]

YANBU OP. The reference to them as 'my husbands children' is odd and cold.

[champagnefromapapercup]

Lelloteddy

How is it in reality any different to my step children.

I really don't get the difference. In both cases it is saying - these children are the children of my husband and another woman. It's not odd and cold it is factually correct.

[JacquettaWoodville]

Why do you think that it's cold, lello? That's the definition of stepchildren, surely - the kids of your partner.

[phillipp]

Yabu massively so.

On every point.

So much so that I suspect you are the step mother and this is a reverse thread. As I can't believe someone would actually post this.

[Mycatsabastard]

yabu

Why would she take out your children leaving hers behind? Surely the whole point of contact time with dad is to see their dad?

Your children have two parents plus the bonus of a good stepmum. Be happy with that.

[Lelloteddy]

It's completely different to saying 'my stepchildren'.
It's cold and emotionless and suggests a certain level of resentment. The kind of phrase that a stepmum who resents 'her husbands children' sitting on the sofa beside him uses, for example.

OP are your kids allowed to refer to the little ones as their siblings? Or are they 'your fathers other children'

[bumblingapril]

I understand what you all say about her not wanting to be over powering but I suppose I wonder why she wouldn't choose to do stuff with my children in an auntie like way I suppose. I've heard she takes her niece out regularly to cinema and to have nails done and wonder why she wouldn't want to do this with my daughter.

I really like the idea of inviting her to things. My ex husband comes to everything and at times brings his youngest girls with him and my children love to see them there

[phillipp]

YANBU OP. The reference to them as 'my husbands children' is odd and cold.

I disagree. Just because one person who says a phrase means it in a bad way. It doesn't mean everyone saying it does.

She could be just using it to make clear she isn't talking about her own children. For example 'My kids are 2 & 4 and my husband has two older kids that are 11 and 12'

No different to saying 'and I have two step children that are 11 & 12'

[CRazzyyAce]

I don't get the problem OP, your children get to have contact with their father and siblings, your issue because his wife doesn't take them out on her own without her children or plaster them on fb? I think shes aware that theres certain situations whereby only yourself and your ex husband needs to be present, my own DH has backed away to avoid over stepping on ex's shoes when it was the first day of school of course he will be present when Dd attends nursery.

[bumblingapril]

And I do t have any relationship with her. Everything goes through my ex. I would actually say that she actively avoids me.

[Bahhhhhumbug]

So on top of the time she dedicates to your children when they are there and is therefore not having that time alone with her own children , you want her to take your children out and leave her own children at home ? So she's allowed to have quality time alone with your children but not with her own unless she does same with yours ?

Who'd be a stepmum , eh ? .