Be annoyed at my children's step mum for her lack of acknowledgement of them?

[bumblingapril]

My exhusband has been married to his new wife for 8 years. They have 2 little girls and they all get on very well with my 13 and 11 year old. She appears to be a great step mum generally I just get very annoyed at his wife as she never offers to take my children anywhere alone, it always has to be with my ex and their kids too. And she never comes to any events for my kids (ie plays or football matches)

She also calls them "my husbands children" and I hear from friends there are hardly ever pictures of my kids on her social media and if there are, their referred to as "dd sister or dd's brother".

Would it be to much for her to refer to them as her step kids or become nor involved in their life as such? We have all accepted her as part of their life in a parental role but it doesn't feel like she feels the same?

[champagnefromapapercup]

OP, that's great if you like the idea of inviting her to things. Over a few years if you make the effort to involve her and she makes the effort to be involved more actively you may see a difference and possibly everyone will happy with the result the blended family gets

[Bahhhhhumbug]

So on top of the time she dedicates to your children when they are there and is therefore not having that time alone with her own children , you want her to take your children out and leave her own children at home ? So she's allowed to have quality time alone with your children but not with her own unless she does same with yours ?

Who'd be a stepmum , eh ? .

[MimiSunshine]

But her niece is her blood relation and presumably she asks her sister / brother first.

She may have once suggested doing it to your ex a d he could have said that he didn't think you'd like it or she might have asked if he thought you would mind and he shrugged so she decided to stay on the side of caution just in case.

She sounds like she's wary of stepping in your toes so why not arrange a girls day and invite her and her girls along, then assuming she accepts take some group pictures, post them online and tell her that if she and your daughter ever fancy doing this when your kids are at their dads then it's fine with you

[Lelloteddy]

Champagne exactly
And ultimately it's the kids who will benefit. OP if you're consistent about inviting her and including her then hopefully over time she'll be less hostile and will soften in her approach to your kids.

[sashh]

How often do you take her children out alone? How often do you go to their plays?

[MeridianB]

YABVU

[swisschocolate]

Do you take her children out alone?

[MynameisMummy]

The reference to them as 'my husbands children' is odd and cold

Why? Don't understand this. I would refer to my DH's daughter as "my DH's daughter" to people who didn't know him or (if his name were Jim) "Jim's daughter" to people who did know him but didn't know her. She refers to me as "my dad's wife". And we get on very well indeed....and have actually laughed about the fact that we both, naturally, do the same thing description wise. No different to referring to, say, "Jim's cousin" or "My husband's auntie". Doesn't imply any lack of affection. People read far too much into things.

[Bahhhhhumbug]

as for.... 'We have all accepted her as part of their life.....' ....well that's magnanimous of you...

[Nanny0gg]

Damned if they do, damned if they don't...

And maybe she just doesn't want a closer relationship with her husband's ex-wife.

As long as she's good to the children, that's fair enough.

She sounds like she's wary of stepping in your toes so why not arrange a girls day and invite her and her girls along, then assuming she accepts take some group pictures, post them online and tell her that if she and your daughter ever fancy doing this when your kids are at their dads then it's fine with you

How many families would actually do this?

[MsWorthington]

This really is a case of if it ain't broke don't fix it.

From your posts it sounds like everyone except you is content with the relationships they have with one another. You describe this woman as being a great step mum, that's fantastic, so many people have issues with their ex's new partners relationship with their DCs. You don't need to force them all into the relationship you think they should have if they're happy as they are.

[SaucyJack]

YABU. She isn't their mum, and for whatever reason she doesn't want to act like it on your ex's contact weekends.

As long as she's nice to them, then just deal with it.

Do your kids even care? Or is this you getting a snark on because she (unsurprisingly enough) prefers spending time with her own children to yours?

[DoreenLethal]

I would actually say that she actively avoids me

Yes - and?

Why would she want to socialise with you?

[Bambamrubblesmum]

She probably has more of a bond with her neice that's why she wants to spend time with her.

Tbh you sound put out because your children are not her priority in life. She's got her own kids to parent.

You sound like hard work, maybe she's picked up on this and is keeping her distance.

[Chippednailvarnishing]

Maybe she is giving you a hint.

Maybe you should take it.

[Lelloteddy]

Sash that ridiculous analogy is trotted out every time this question comes up. Could you explain it's relevance? My DPs Ex wife doesn't even KNOW my children. Yet if I take my step kids out for the day, SHE should take mine out too? What an absolute load of bollocks

[Lelloteddy]

Mynameismummy how old is your stepdaughter?

[champagnefromapapercup]

The other thing to accept though, is that even if you invite her to stuff, if she declines it is potentially not reflective of her 'disdain' for your children. As has been said, she may not want to forge a friendship with you and is perhaps happy with the relationship at the minute.

Definitely consider what role your ex has had in this situation. If he's told her you'd not be happy with her taking them out then the issues not her.

She'll also never be an aunt to your children. She's the wife of their dad. It is different. BUT if she wants to be involved more then welcome her with open arms but it'll have to be you offering this as step mothers are routinely criticised for being overbearing

I don't think she sounds remotely hostile, lello

[Nofunkingworriesmate]

So, you want a woman who you have no relationship with who actively avoids you to call around and take your daughter out?? She is NOT your daughters aunty, she has her own niece to play that tole with.
She has no obligation to your children other than being kind and responsible when they are in her care
Do you offer to play aunty to her kids?
Do you take her kids out often ?

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

YABU.

And unbelievably entitled. What makes you think her world would revolve around your kids like you want it to?

[Lelloteddy]

Champagne I perceive the references to them as her husbands kids as opposed to her own step kids as hostile, particularly when she is the mum of their half siblings. I wonder if she also has an issue with the smaller ones referring to the OPs kids as their brother or sister if labels/descriptions are such a huge thing for her.

[MoonfaceAndSilky]

I just get very annoyed at his wife as she never offers to take my children anywhere alone, it always has to be with my ex and their kids too. And she never comes to any events for my kids

Because they already have a Mum to do this - you!! It would be different if you had died, then I'm sure she would do these things.

[Wallywobbles]

Have you read any of the step mom bashing threads here. We cannot win. She is doing what most mothers here seem to want.

If you want her to come to things invite her yourself, not through someone else. She will be surprised. I have always invited the significant adults in my kids lives to events - including my ex's exs, if my kids feel they are important to their lives.

[HubrisComicGhoul]

I'm in the minority on here, but I do think that step-parents should try to build a relationship with their step-children and attending sports events and popping to the shops/hairdressers with them is a part of this. It's not necessarily a parental relationship, it's an organic one that grows as you spend time together.

I do find this really difficult to express, so it might not come over very well.

My dad has 2 step-sons (although not really as he's been divorced from their mother for nearly 10 years now). Part of the contact and financial arrangement on their separation included the boys as well as my half sister and even now (in their 20's) they have a good relationship and spend time with my dad. As far as my dad is concerned they are a part of his family, although he has made his own role with them, separate and distinct from the one their dad plays.

This outcome seems to be the best one for my brothers and the family as a whole.

OP if you are hoping that your DD's build a relationship with their step-mum that isn't 100% reliant on their dad then YANBU, however you might be asking too much, as most people don't seem to think this way.