Be annoyed at my children's step mum for her lack of acknowledgement of them?

[bumblingapril]

My exhusband has been married to his new wife for 8 years. They have 2 little girls and they all get on very well with my 13 and 11 year old. She appears to be a great step mum generally I just get very annoyed at his wife as she never offers to take my children anywhere alone, it always has to be with my ex and their kids too. And she never comes to any events for my kids (ie plays or football matches)

She also calls them "my husbands children" and I hear from friends there are hardly ever pictures of my kids on her social media and if there are, their referred to as "dd sister or dd's brother".

Would it be to much for her to refer to them as her step kids or become nor involved in their life as such? We have all accepted her as part of their life in a parental role but it doesn't feel like she feels the same?

[AnotherUsernameBitesTheDust]

Sometimes I say "my stepchildren" sometimes I say "my husband's children" It depends what I'm talking about and who I'm talking too.

I can see that she's probably closer to her niece - her siblings child that she's known from birth, rather than her stepchildren.

[bumblingapril]

My expectations of a stepmother must be right off then because I genuinely thought she would become almost like a second mother. It's been hard to accept having someone else
So closely involved with your children as she is and one way of coping was to convince myself that it was positive for them to have another adult who adores them like I do.

I suppose I do want her to do more, and see why this is seen as unreasonable. But they're my everything!

[PepsiPenguin]

I could scream! Step-mums in particular just cannot win at all, it feels like as a step-mum there are so many rules that all seem to contradict each other. Step-dads don't have half the issues step-mums do, be they with a NRP or RP.

If you want to invite her to something, just bloody invite her - but if she doesn't want to as she is happy with the boundaries and as the DC are also happy don't bash her for it, she doesn't have to have a relationship with you.

[AnotherUsernameBitesTheDust]

Have you invited her to sports stuff? I wouldn't have gone if I knew DHs ex would have been there as I'm not sure she would have wanted me too (not that my DSC play sport) We did go to sports day once when she said she was working so asked could we go.

I did take my DSD out because I have boys and DH hates shopping, so we used to go together. Mainly we spent time as a family though - they were visiting to see DH, and their siblings.

[TealLove]

I am a step mum and it's sooo hard to get the balance right it really is.

[paxillin]

YABU, but I understand where you are coming from. I'm a stepmother, our family is functional, sounds much like yours. I can understand the worry of the mother. Stepchildren get to come and visit dad, stepmum and siblings and witness the siblings having what they don't. It looks like not only do they live with mum, same as the stepkids, but they got THEIR dad. They can watch what could have been.

For the mum it must be heartwrenching to have no control who is part of their family and how they treat the kids. I would find that very distressing, but it sounds like your kids have a good stepmum.

[Bahhhhhumbug]

Lello I think OP said somewhere that she refers to her DSCs as her DCs brother or sister so I don't think she has a problem with that. FWIW I always refer to my DHs two sons as My DHs son(s) and very rarely as my stepsons. But I only met them when the youngest was nearly 17 so never really considered myself a 'parent' to them of any kind so I suppose that is a bit different.

[JacquettaWoodville]

"d I hear from friends there are hardly ever pictures of my kids on her social media and if there are, their referred to as "dd sister or dd's brother". "

Lello, the OP clearly says that the step mum refers to the kids as the brother and sister of her children.

[PepsiPenguin]

bumbling what I should add is the fact you want her to be a significant part of your DC lives is very good and healthy for your children, if more people had this attitude then the DC in these situations would be far better off as it is so damaging to be anti any step-parent/significant adult in a child's life.

But you can't push her into adoring your children in the same way you do, you just can't.

[2dogsonthesofa]

I have a great relationship with my ss, but not as a second mum, he already has one of those. When introducing us a couple he says "this is my dad and 2dogs" fine when they've heard of me, sometimes puzzling if not. I would have been over the moon to be invited to any of his matches etc, but sadly it was made clear I should stay away, my dh was kept away too, theirs was an acrimonious breakup. I think just be pleased she is doing her best by the dc and respecting that you are their mum.

[Bambamrubblesmum]

I think expecting her to adore them is very over the top. You really need to take a look at your expectations.

Why would she want to be a second mum to them? They already have a mum. Her energy is quite rightly directed at adoring her own children.

I just can't get over your arrogance!

[Lelloteddy]

Bahhh I think the age of the kids is hugely significant. Exs stepmum came on the scene when he was an adult, as did mine so neither of us usually refer to them as stepmum, but by name. The OPs youngest child has been labelled as 'my husbands child' since at least age 4 and that's potentially a huge issue for such a small child to deal with.

[Mycatsabastard]

Op you are in a minority if you want her to be a second mother to your dc. From the threads I've read on here most exes want the dc to see their dad, stay away from the new woman and basically act like a chief cook and bottle washer and keep out of their dc's lives.

Stepmums can't win. Seriously, having been a step mum for four years I've had it all.

I've been accused of treating dsd differently from mine by not giving her jobs to do in the house or not telling her off when she does something wrong.

So I started to give her things to do and started asking her to pick her stuff up off the floor. Cue her going crying home to her mum saying I was picking on her.

I tried taking her out on her own and I tried having time just us two together. But ultimately it was never right. Whatever I tried her mum had something to say about it. In the end I did what everyone the step parenting boards suggests and just backed right off and stayed out of her way. Her mum made it clear that she was visiting to see her dad and only her dad. Not me, not my dc. Just her dad.

So we had weekends where dp and his dd sat in the living room. Me and my dds would be up in our own rooms or would go out because the atmosphere was so fucking uncomfortable with her there.

So yeah, it seems you and the new wife are lucky. You aren't hostile. Neither is she. All the kids are happy. Everyone gets on well.

In the world of stepfamilies, I'd give this a whopping 10/10.

[Lelloteddy]

Jacquetta social media portrayals are often significantly different from real life though. Are the kids allowed to refer to each other as brother/sister at home and in front of stepmum? You'd be amazed at how many adults make this just another issue for kids from blended families to deal with.

[GingerbreadGingerbread]

Step parents can't win really. Some parents would have a problem with a step parent taking their child somewhere alone with comments along the lines of "they don't need another mother you're just married to their dad!" Etc. She sounds as though she's doing a great job. If these are your only complains you should count yourself very lucky it seems like you are trying to pick fault for absolutely no reason. Why on earth would she insist on taking out your children alone when she has two of her own which I assume live with her full time? That's impractical and very odd indeed.

[KC225]

I'm another one who would think it's odd for her to do things alone with your children. I had to read the post twice as I thought you were complaining about your ex. He should be doing things alone with your kids, not her. Instead of can't be bothered read keeping a respectful distance. Do the kids even want her at these events, to do things alone with Her?

Also, give the woman a break. She has her hands full. Two young children and two step children.

Here in Sweden stepchildren are known as bonus barn which translated as bonus children.

[ElsieMc]

Certainly a different perspective here op, but they are your biological children and not hers however hard this sounds. I think she has the balance about right to be honest. I would be grateful that she does not bulldoze in on school events, because she has the sensitivity to see that she is not the childrens' mother - you and her dh are the parents.

Fwiw, my gs who lives with me, sees his dad but his wife never showed any interest in him at all. She was very young and far too immature for the role his family were pushing her into. My gs never really took to her and although she was never horrible to him, it just was not what she wanted ie a reminder of a child he had with someone else. They divorced after a short lived marriage with dv being cited. Not surprised at all and this is one of the reasons he lives with me. My gs never even appeared to notice her absence.

This sounds a far more mature, balanced situation on both your parts. Although I can understand to a degree where you are coming from, I honestly think you are lucky when you read some of the threads on here.

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

Yes, they're your everything. It's a bit much to expect her to see them the same way as you do.

She's doesn't have to take your children out anywhere alone. Some parents never manage to get quality time with their own children, especially individually, so what makes you think stepchildren should get special treatment in that regard? Plus it's a bit odd to even expect her to do that.

As for coming to your children's events. Is it absolutely necessary that she comes? What if she has her own life to be getting on with and your children's events don't fit in with her plans? Maybe as they're not her own children she doesn't see it as necessary to book time off work or alter plans with friends/ change appointments/ or simply wants to stay at home or spend some time with her girls, whilst you and your ex (your children's PARENTS) enjoy watching your children?

Regarding social media, this is so petty. Why are you upset that she doesn't post photos of your children on FB? And what's wrong with her referring to them as her children's siblings? That's what they are!

[phillipp]

Jesus wept, yes your expectations of step parents are off.

[Aeroflotgirl]

She's got it completely right, she is setting boundaries as not to step on your toes. Why would you expect your children to be on her social media? Why should she take them out alone, they are your ex kids, not hers! I really would not expect her to come to events, mabey a couple, but not all, its you and ex who are your kids parents, not her.

[19lottie82]

OP, would you be happier if she was Plastering cosy family photos of her, your ex and your DC's on Facebook, referring to them as "her" kids?

[SaucyJack]

"I suppose I do want her to do more, and see why this is seen as unreasonable. But they're my everything!"

Most people's own kids are their everything to them. That's fine and normal.....

But the same goes for her too. It's really that simple.

It's not even like you've had the sense to pretend she's been leaving your kids out of their family days out, or been 'orrible to them.

There's absolutely nothing to see here.

[Evilstepmum01]

As a heavily-criticised step-mum, I'd just like to say WTF?

I dont take my husbands daughter out by herself, and why would i? I'm not going to leave my own DS to spend time with her-she's with us to spend time with her dad and our family. Sadly, I put my DS first, DSD has her own mother. Thats not to say I dont love her, hug her, do her hair, tell her I love her.
Of course, this is wrong. So I become more involved. Then I get but I'M her mother. Right. So. Also wrong.
My DH does struggle with this, but I get him to fill out forms for her as I'm not her parent.
And there is your problem, OP, a step-mum is NOT the child's parent. We have no legal responsibility and sadly no say in the life of a child we care for. It sucks.
Its an impossible situation, so I would suggest you thank her for everything she does for your children and leave her be.
Your kids, like my DSD are lucky to have so many people to love them. Thats what I tell my DSD!

[Evilstepmum01]

OP. I suggest you go to Being a parent on here. In there is a whole bit on step-parenting. It might give you a bit of insight into the reality of this.

Maybe adjust your expectations?

[Evilstepmum01]

Mycatsabastard............I feel your pain.