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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let DS live with my parents.

216 replies

Awaitingthedreamboat · 26/08/2016 14:15

To cut a long story short, we have had a lot of issues with DS1. Behavioural problems and jealousy towards his 3 younger siblings.

He is 8. The 3 little ones are under 3.
I came to a head yesterday and said to my parents I cannot emotionally or physically carry on with his behaviour, even DH is stressed.

Dad text today stating DS1 can live there Sun-Thurs and we will have him back Friday and Saturday.

I'm not sure what to do, our family will fall apart otherwise but I feel so guilty.

OP posts:
TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 26/08/2016 14:19

I wouldn't do it. It sound like he already feels left out and less important. This would validate his (justified by the sounds of it) feelings even more.

WinterIsHereJon · 26/08/2016 14:19

Personally I would see that as an absolute last resort, having exhausted every other possible option.

Have you considered parent craft classes etc to help you manage his behaviour? Sometimes outsiders can give a perspective or new way of dealing with things that we hadn't considered from being stuck in the midst of it.

user1471421772 · 26/08/2016 14:20

What support are you getting for behavioural problems? What is he like at school? I would really suggest supporting your son - sending him away will make the sibling rivalry much worse. He's your child too.

gamerchick · 26/08/2016 14:20

Well to be fair he had your undivided attention for 5 years then 3 more kids came along in quick succession. Sending him away might seem like a good idea at the time but you'll pay for it during the teens and beyond. He'll see it as getting rid of him.

Have you had any outside help?

WinterIsHereJon · 26/08/2016 14:20

Im sure many of us have encountered difficulties but without knowing what about his behaviour is so problematic it might be difficult for us to advise

MajesticSeaFlapFlap · 26/08/2016 14:21

I dont think further isolating him for his sibling will help

Original poster
Awaitingthedreamboat · 26/08/2016 14:21

We have exhuasted proffesional routes and I've done the a pyramid course for dealing with the behaviours.

OP posts:
CanandWill · 26/08/2016 14:21

Is your dh is df? I can imagine with three very young siblings he is looking for attention albeit in a negative way.

Original poster
Awaitingthedreamboat · 26/08/2016 14:21

He's violent, he attacked my daughter in the car yesterday and split his dad's lip at bedtime. 😔

OP posts:
CanandWill · 26/08/2016 14:22

his df

Original poster
Awaitingthedreamboat · 26/08/2016 14:23

Yes Canandwill

OP posts:
RubbleBubble00 · 26/08/2016 14:23

I'd go with him to counselling first. Must be a huge shock to suddenly have 3 siblings who are essentially all still babies.

Perhaps he could sleepover one night a wk at his grandparents as a treat and have some 1 - 1 time.

Would you or his dad be able to give him one night a wk that's just about him. Take him out alone for tea then play football, amusement arcade ect

MLGs · 26/08/2016 14:24

It sounds to me last the absolute worse, thing to do, sorry. Although I know I'm saying that at first blush without all the info.

He is probably craving the attention he had from you for five years as an old child.

How about your parents take the little ones for a day/overnight here and there and he gets some one on one time with you?

Also I wondered whether your DH is his DF (disclaimer, I have a five year gap between my kids, who have same Dad, so not jumping to conclusions here!)

MLGs · 26/08/2016 14:24

Sorry - x-post

And i mean worst, not worse.

user1471421772 · 26/08/2016 14:25

Has he got CAHMS involvement? What strategies are in place for support/ when he has an outburst?

Original poster
Awaitingthedreamboat · 26/08/2016 14:25

He does a treat night with Dad twice a week, monopoly or a film. And he sleeps at grandparents on a Friday as he enjoys going there to play with his uncles who are 13&17.

OP posts:
MLGs · 26/08/2016 14:25

Also all the things that rubble said sound good.

gamerchick · 26/08/2016 14:25

Does he get one on one time with you, his dad, his grandparents. Some kids need more of it when they're feeling that insecure. I agree some special time with grandparents for just him might help but it's probably you he wants.

Original poster
Awaitingthedreamboat · 26/08/2016 14:26

There are triggers for him, if you ask him to do something he doesn't want to do he will actually just scream repeatedly for 1/2 hours. Every night he screams for 2 hours waking all of the siblings.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 26/08/2016 14:26

Does he get any time with just you?

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 26/08/2016 14:26

No, that is absolutely not the right thing to do. Your child is only eight years old and what you call his jealousy is probably quite understandable.
You need help with parenting, as others have said, but you cannot turn your back on this child. Parenting is about acceptance and coping. You gave to have the strength to do the right thing.

RubbleBubble00 · 26/08/2016 14:26

He sounds like a very cross little boy. Any diagnosis made when he saw professionals? Is he like this at school?

I'd be tempted to love bomb him. Middle ds used to hurt his siblings as it got him lots of negative attention and proved to him.in his own mind we loved his siblings more as was comforted him becuase they were hurt.

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 26/08/2016 14:27

...have to have the strength...

RubbleBubble00 · 26/08/2016 14:27

Him = them

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 26/08/2016 14:27

Sorry for short reply before.
I agree with the idea that instead of giving him less time you probably need to give him more though Rubble's idea of one nights sleep over would be good.