To let DS live with my parents.

[Awaitingthedreamboat]

To cut a long story short, we have had a lot of issues with DS1. Behavioural problems and jealousy towards his 3 younger siblings.

He is 8. The 3 little ones are under 3.
I came to a head yesterday and said to my parents I cannot emotionally or physically carry on with his behaviour, even DH is stressed.

Dad text today stating DS1 can live there Sun-Thurs and we will have him back Friday and Saturday.

I'm not sure what to do, our family will fall apart otherwise but I feel so guilty.

Had to post again. how dare people comment on having 3 more kids. You do not know the circumstances. I thought this was a forum for people to come together and give support/help/advice.

Looks to be there is such a thing as a perfect parent. Please get off your parental high horse

You are doing a great job x

Can we just ask that people pack it in with the judgemental shite?

OP - I hope you read this - please get to the SN boards where you will find lots of clear help and support.

Those commenting on decision to have further children should fuck the fuck off.

The decision to have 3 more children has been commented on because this little boy has been set up to fail and may now be sent away from his family as a result. My 8 year old would not be able to cope with 3 babies and toddlers around, should I have them anyway and then send him away when he can't cope with it?

My friends son was like the op son from what i read he was the youngest of 2 violent aggresive and confrontational, however many children the op has is none of our bussiness.

Is your eldest adopted?
Because a lot of his behaviours and the being angry at you screams would resonate with some adopters.
Is attachment issues a possibility, stuff that happens in the first year especially but the first three years can have a huge impact on behaviour that come become more apparent at around this age.

I am in the camp of he needs you and your DH, more than he needs his grandparents, but I do see the safeguarding of the younger three is also a huge issue and they do need to be kept safe.
I know you talk about him not wanting you- but what are YOU doing about that, it sounds to me like maybe you not his dad needs to spending more time with him and maybe getting therapeutic help together to build a relationship.
A week away with his uncles and GPs whilst you regroup as a family and establish new ground rules and ways of sticking to them is probably a better way forwards- but he needs less rejection now not more, whatever the root of his behaviour is.

Stitch: I am one of twelve children. I didn't behave like this and nor did any of my siblings. That doesn't make it his fault, but his behaviour is extreme and nothing to do with being 'set up to fail'. Talking out of your arse, there, sorry.

The OP has already SAID that her DS1 is the son of her DH.

As for the people wittering on about how many children the OP has - words fail me.

What on earth is the point in grilling the OP on her decision to have more children? How is that going to help her current situation? What is she supposed to do - turn back time? Send the younger three 'back'?

Please don't. My mum did it to me, I have no relationship with her now, I've never felt wanted or loved by her, I've struggled to bond with my own daughter and have a list of MH issues as long as my arm. I am a wreck unable to function on my own and all of the psychiatrists I have seen and linked my issues back to my abandonment by my mum. Just please keep trying.

I wouldn't wish my life on anyone.

Im not sure the 3 would fit 😀 poor Op might have decided not to post anymore

Jeez, I thought Mumsnet was supposed to be a supportive place where people didn't judge because it could so easily be any one of us.

OP, I think your parents offering to help is a great thing. That's what extended families are for and it's only in recent times where the nuclear family is supposed to shoulder the burden all by itself.

You have to think about yourself, your DH and your other children. You are not abandoning him because you will see him often and no doubt make that time special. It could be a wonderful way of renegotiating your relationship with him.

Good luck

Ladydeadpool sorry my silly post came after yours i posted to slow

Realistically, would your parents be able to cope with him and give him the support he needed?
I think it would be very damaging for you to try thing and for it to fail, so you really need to consider how this will work long term.
It could well increase his difficult behaviour as he tried to make sense of and express his feelings.
There is no easy solution here but I would be very cautious about making this kind of move.

I'm sorry to hear of your situation OP. I don't know about SN or the other diagnosis so I can't comment there. However if you are close to your parents and think that it might be a better environment for him there I'd think it's an option worth exploring.

I did not grow up in the UK and where I'm from grandparents have very close roles with bringing up the grandchildren. It's common for grandchildren to stay with the GPs and go home with their parents during weekends and they manage to grow up with close relationships to both parents and GPs. I'd be very mindful though of the fact that you are only sending one child to his GPs and that could 'isolate' him further from his siblings.

Posters talking about how many children this poor woman has should shut up. She's asking for help. What a crowd of cows.

OP, if you're still reading, I'm sorry to say there is no right answer to this. You don't have a crystal ball and you're the only one who knows your child. Please think deeply about whether you're moving you son out to keep your DH with you, though. He should come before a marriage, to be honest. If the issue is truly that you are being broken, then I would look on this as a situation where you need respite, not one where you're abandoning your child.

It is staggeringly generous of your parents to offer to do this.

I do think your son needs to be seeing a psychologist or counsellor weekly, and probably with you and your husband in addition to that.

This is a bump in the road. It's not the defining moment of your life with your son. You are balancing what's possible and trying to get an ideal situation for each child. Your son seems very, very stressed by his younger siblings and perhaps he would benefit from time in a home where they weren't there and the adults had more time for him. You can only keep trying options and keep responding to the results.

A child being sent to live away from his parents and siblings is a defining moment, how can it be anything else?

Deep down you know the answer to this question but you are seduced by making your life easier.

Find the root of the problem and fix that.

Do not do this. I am speaking as a professional and have seen children suffer such negative consequences as a result of doing this. How does he behave when with your parents?

Is it possible someone is harming your ds? It seems a very aggressive way for an 8yr old to behave. Is he aware of the underwear rule? I know it's unlikely but it's happens a hell of a lot more than people realise. Before you decide anything please check there isn't anyone causing him to act like this.

There are plenty of grandparents who step in to help in this way. I know this through my work. And in each case that I have known, it has worked well. Xx