To let DS live with my parents.

[Awaitingthedreamboat]

To cut a long story short, we have had a lot of issues with DS1. Behavioural problems and jealousy towards his 3 younger siblings.

He is 8. The 3 little ones are under 3.
I came to a head yesterday and said to my parents I cannot emotionally or physically carry on with his behaviour, even DH is stressed.

Dad text today stating DS1 can live there Sun-Thurs and we will have him back Friday and Saturday.

I'm not sure what to do, our family will fall apart otherwise but I feel so guilty.

I have no advice but just want to send my support to the OP. Xxxxxxxx

op if your still reading - i'd let him go

If he wants to this can be the breather that you all need. You just need to make sure that he is involved very much with his siblings and you and Dh. I moved to my grandparents at 9 and loved it.

You also have to be very careful that SS do not see him as a risk to your other children.

He has to follow the same routine, I I dared fed and bathe them without him he'd make my life living hell.
I'm not allowed to so anything
He has a diary we keep to count down to any up and coming things, even as little as shoe shopping.

To be honest some of this sounds very Aspie / PDA -ish to me. Controlling everyone’s routine not just his own. Needing so much advanced warning and structure. And the count-down diary is a very sensible strategy - you’re doing the right things.

Children’s mental health professionals in some countries are more aware/accepting of high-functioning autism, Aspergers and PDA than in others. PDA is not all that well recognised even in the UK but given his other behaviours even in areas that don’t recognise PDA he might probably be recognised as a variant of high-functioning autism or Asperger’s and you (and he) might get suitable help.

I second the advice to look at Explosive Child meanwhile - it may help.

As for people making remarks about the OP’s DH, trying to raise children with undiagnosed SN and challenging behaviour can put a huge strain on relationships. Our child-psych made a point of checking how DH and I were getting along and that we were getting some rest time together without DS because we needed to be stable together to support DS.

And OP, defo head over to Mumsnet SN children for more support. There are no easy answers and I can’t offer advice myself because my DS is an only child but he would certainly have been hell on wheels around younger sibs. And oh-oh, I still hate shoe shopping with DS. We can usually get by if we go at a quiet time and take the very first pair that fits and go for tea and cake afterwards! Not everyone is that lucky though. For what’s worth my DS is now doing very well as a young adult heading for university, so there is hope

As for whether he’d do better at his grandparents, if they can give him uninterrupted routine and it’s all nice and regular and predictable, and it sounds as if he is close to him anyway, that may actually work out. I don’t know. On the other hand if he is there for longer periods and he is on the autism spectrum (or has other SN) then his needs may start to challenge them too. Still, could be worth a try.

Anyway, autism-spectrum or not I hope you find a way through Awaitingthedreamboat

Navyandwhite I did!

The OP repeatedly got asked if her DH was her oldest childs father even though she'd already said he was.
She then got asked if he was adopted,read above.
Then got told she should never had had any more DC after her first son!

The OP herself had said how hurt she was by what some of the posters had written.So I have read the thread I have no idea how you missed all the awful things that were said to the OP!

Well although there have been harsh replies these are things that are going to be screamed at the OP when her son is older. Even if he agrees now at the tender age he is he WILL use it as a stick to beat her with later on. In a way the OP should know that when she makes her choices.

I want to know why this child isn't medicated. It must be hell living inside his own head. Then there's the gamble that this arrangement won't work out and he's ejected from his grandparents back to the family home where people look at him with growls in their eyes.

I agree with a PP, the seduction of a peaceful life is overwhelming and I can sympathise. I think spinning it as his special time with his grandparents rather than telling him he's going to live with them for a bit might be more palatable but the teens will be the same result as above.

That said I do wish them well, the OP asked for validation and got hard to read opinions instead. It just seems a shame to give up on him so young.

You do what you need to do for the benefit of your family. It does not matter what anyone else thinks as they are not living your life.

You have to think about the three youngest children too and their safety.

Good luck, i hope you come to a decision that you are happy with and that works for your family.

Social will have people on hand to help in this sort of a situation.

Lol. If she's very, very lucky they will be able to dredge up some respite care. Which is unlikely to be anything like as long-term as grandparents would be committing to.

the seduction of a peaceful life is overwhelming

Fuck's sake, she has three under three. It's not peace she's going for. It's no one getting seriously hurt or developing PTSD. Which I am going to get after reading anymore of this thread...I'm out.

There are some seriously fucked up contributions and contributors on this thread - it must be very chilly up there on the moral high ground. OP - it takes (or used to take) a village to raise a child, 50 years ago this would have been looked upon as a very sensible solution. You do what needs to be done for everyone and it sounds as if this would be the way to go.

Please post in SN op.

I'd suggest getting an urgent meeting with his care time - there sounds like there maybe more than ADHD in the mix, possibly ASC. You need to make it very clear that he is becoming more violent and your other 3 DCs are at risk. I don't know how things work where you are but you do need more professional support than the odd meeting.

In the meantime I don't think letting him go to GP is a bad thing particularly if he is happier there.

Thank you very much to all of the posters who have gone out of their way to respond with helpful suggestions. It is gratefully received. Xxxx

While I have no personal experience, I do know someone that ended up putting their eldest in care after he tried strangling his little sister and they barely managed to get him of her, they always said it was incredibly difficult but ultimately the right choice.

I understand that what you'd do is a lot less drastic but wanted to offer as food for thought.

OP I think it's perfectly reasonable for you and him and the rest of a family to have a break. I would consider taking some pro advise about re integration etc but I'm sure you're on it.
Sounds like a very difficult situation and I hope you get a resolution. Even if the break didn't 'work' you may feel re energised to explore other avenues which can only be good.
Good luck.

Advice

"Give up on him " ? Don't be ridiculous. That's not what's happening at all.

You can't be a good parent to any of the children while you are under such pressure and stress.

Let him go, see it as temporary and work on getting your family back together before you end up with a nervous breakdown.

There is no shame in admitting you need help.

Thank you everyone.

I called my local SS duty line just now, they have put in a refferal for a social worker to come and discuss some steps. I'm terrified 😔

Dont be scared, SS are there to support you, but I know its easy to forget that. Best of luck

Don't be scared, think as it as the first step in improving life for you all - easier said than done I know.

Do you have all the reports and things together? If not may be worth trying to get them all in one folder so you can show the SW everything that has been tried so far

Seconded. You're a parent who needs help. They can hopefully secure some. You're doing the right thing.

Just the things he says when he's angry, I'm scared he'll make it about me and I'll loose the children.

I hope and pray that this will be a happy outcome for our entire family. Anxiety levels are through the roof at the moment but he screamed till 2am this morning and all of the day, I'm exhausted.

OP

That's a very good step to have taken. You would benefit hugely from professional advice and help.

Don't be afraid. Why should you lose your children? SS are trained to assess a situation and to support. They will have been there before.

Haven't had time to rtt fully but couldn't read and run.
I just wanted to say I did this last year. My son is a bit older, but we're a year in. It was absolutely the right decision. My younger son is thriving, my relationship with DS1 is better than its ever been and it has saved our marriage.
It was such a hard decision and I was very emotional about it but it has paid off for all of us.