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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let DS live with my parents.

216 replies

Awaitingthedreamboat · 26/08/2016 14:15

To cut a long story short, we have had a lot of issues with DS1. Behavioural problems and jealousy towards his 3 younger siblings.

He is 8. The 3 little ones are under 3.
I came to a head yesterday and said to my parents I cannot emotionally or physically carry on with his behaviour, even DH is stressed.

Dad text today stating DS1 can live there Sun-Thurs and we will have him back Friday and Saturday.

I'm not sure what to do, our family will fall apart otherwise but I feel so guilty.

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 26/08/2016 23:14

Maybe post on SN Children for help OP - I would say get this moved, but don't think you need to read most of these comments again - you'll be amongst people who really do understand, and will be committed to helping you, and helping you help your child. Not tearing you down.

The PDA society have an excellent forum on their site as well. I would perhaps post there and ask for guidance on how you could seek assessment by people capable of determining his needs.

There should be a warning on AIBU that any parent suspecting their child may have a disability should steer clear. These attacks from a position of wholesale ignorance just should not happen. It's hugely depressing that they happen so often.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 27/08/2016 01:16

Read the full thread four. The text conversation followed a conversation between OP and her dad. He'd presumably gone home and talked to his wife to find a solution that might help.

She has also already said 1-1 time with eldest takes place twice a week.

Given that grandparents are stretching themselves to take one child, taking another would not only be too much (I can tell this from having read the full thread) and would also defeat the purpose in many ways (he doesn't have a 2-1 ratio of supervision, grandparents ability to help is compromised through illness and they wouldn't be able to manage two let alone protect a younger sibling if things got nasty/

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 27/08/2016 01:17

OP has also said that grandparents are very involved in child's life already.

Sigh.

Footle · 27/08/2016 06:43

Didn't OP say that her 8 yr old gets on well with his two young-teenage uncles ? He'd be spending half the week in what sounds like a loving and interesting household that he's already part of. I don't see what all these huge objections are about.

NavyandWhite · 27/08/2016 06:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

P1nkP0ppy · 27/08/2016 06:59

💐 op
How does your ds behave when he's at his grandparents?how do they manage with his behaviour?

I do hope you get the support that you need very soon, I can't imagine what it's like for you.

JudyCoolibar · 27/08/2016 07:06

It sounds to me as if this would be a sensible arrangement to give everyone a break. You can always review it after a couple of months.

But I think you really need to be pushing for extra help. Can you get referred back to CAMHS? It sounds as if there may be more going on that ADHD. It's stupid to diagnose over the internet, but I would have thought they should be looking at things like Pathological Demand Avoidance and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Also, if he hasn't got an EHC Plan, maybe you should apply for one - but if you do, make sure you get help from someone like SOS SEN to ensure that it is done properly and is actually useful.

GoldFishFingerz · 27/08/2016 07:13

I have a high needs 10 year old. Things have got better with age for us. It was really had for my child to break his behaviour habits but it's working.

I would consider temporarily letting him go Monday and coming back Thursday. Maybe both you and DH could pop over and see him for an hour while he's away each week. You could try and bond more with him.

Or alternatively go to the GP and ask for some drugs for his ADHD

Look up PDA. I know two kids with this and they are different with different people.

Also what are the tricky bits for the grown ups? Screaming at night. Could you and DH take him to the park for a run around or read to him.

Or ask for some melatonin drugs to help him switch off.

GoldFishFingerz · 27/08/2016 07:14

Melatonin at night would be quite a common drug prescription for adhd kids.

honkinghaddock · 27/08/2016 07:23

I agree with others that it would be a good idea to post in sn because you will get advice rather than judgement from those who have no personal experience of challenging behaviour.
Ds (only child) is slightly older than your son, can be very aggressive due to asd and sld and it is hard. Everything we do has to be based around what works for him and even then we have occasional outbursts where someone gets hurt.

brightspark2 · 27/08/2016 07:24

OP what is the behaviour of the teenagers like? He was once an only, is struggling to be the eldest and now wants to hang out with young adults at much more advanced life stage and maturity. Their interests and behaviours may not be suitable for an 8 yo no matter how much he likes it!! I second those who advocate professional advice before your son is sent to be he baby of this new family. Local Child Protective Services will have family advisory services and as previously advised they and school would have to be told of this arrangement. This feels like rewarding violent behaviour and not looking for the source of it - removing him without professional advice could seriously backfire. As others have asked, how is is behaviour at the GPs and are their rules/routine more lax than at yours?? You could end up with a damaged little boy or irretrievably broken parental relationship.

Cheby · 27/08/2016 07:41

I would try it OP. It sounds like you've exhausted everything else.

To PP, it's not hard to at least read the OP's posts, if not the full thread, before deciding to stick the boot in. Hmm

MirabelleTree · 27/08/2016 07:57

I think at this point it is worth trying to relieve the pressure and try to break the cycle enforce someone gets badly hurt. I think the way. You're proposing sounds sensible, you do have a duty of care to his siblings and if things continue to escalate it sounds as if there is a chance someone could get badly hurt.

The one thing I think you need to focus on if you do this is you spending time with him whilst he is at his Grandparents. Maybe you could take him to a sports club or something then out for tea. Short periods of time which he enjoys and there are no siblings around to muddy the waters. Build some positive associations around time spent with you away from the pressure of life at home where you can connect properly with him, with no distractions.

Morsecode · 27/08/2016 08:09

I would do it OP. It might be the best thing that happened to his development and wellbeing and you may build bridges with him all round. Nothing to lose if the grandparents are already involved in his life.

Cathaka15 · 27/08/2016 08:13

Wow. You need a break definitely. But seems like you need to call social services asap. I have a child with sn. I know exactly what you are going through. Sending him to your parents part time is a good idea for now. But it's not a long term solution. Social will have people on hand to help in this sort of a situation. They were the best thing that happened to us when dd was lashing out and screaming for hours on end all day everyday. It's a struggle no one will ever understand. Until you've been through it. It's draining and life seems very bleak at that moment. But I assure you there is help out there. Unfortunately you need to stay strong and push for it. My dd is a different child now because of all the help she recieved. Good luck.

Thingsthatmakeugoummmm · 27/08/2016 08:15

You haven't answered my question on how he behaves when he is with grandparents. I am not saying it is easy but he needs to stay with u and there needs to be intensive support. I have extensive experience in this field. If he lives with grandparents the younger children will learn that they maybe sent away if they don't behave.

Salmotrutta · 27/08/2016 08:33

People should RTFT!! Or at least the OPs post.

She is not in the UK so wittering on about local councils and UK based policies/laws etc. Is pointless.

She has also stated that this little boys problems were there long before his siblings came along.

OP - I'm sorry that some posters have been arse holes.

I think this plan might be worth trying. Flowers

Pilgit · 27/08/2016 08:38

I don't have any experience of these issues so I cannot comment on solutions. However I have read the whole thread and to me it seems like the OP is approaching this issue with love. The situation seems to have got to a point where something is needed to break the cycle. Staying in the loving environment of his grandparents for part of the week may be just the break/change everyone needs. Perhaps this will allow the anger and angst to dissipate to allow solutions to appear.

I do know however that my DHs relationship with his mother improved immeasurably after he went to boarding school - it kept him mentally and physically stimulated and allowed less time for boredom (from descriptions of what he was like as a child and what he's like now I think he has undiagnosed ADHD). His mother was the focus for all his anger and she'd send him to his grans for holidays for respite. They have a fabulous relationship now. I wish you all the best in this. As parents we all just try and do our best for our children - that involves making heart breaking decisions sometimes.

Cathaka15 · 27/08/2016 08:48

Missed the part you're not in the uk. Very sorry. Is there any support equivalent to social services where you live?

sashh · 27/08/2016 08:55

I think he wold probably benefit from more time with his GPs and uncles, he will be the baby when he is there and probably spoiled.

But I think he needs more time with you too.

Could he have some time with just you and one or both uncles? Maybe do something new together? Something physical like er, rock climbing, riding, trampolining - you know him better than anyone.

CalleighDoodle · 27/08/2016 09:14

Op just wanted to reassure you that shoe shopping isnt a simple task. Lots of children hate it and lots of parents find it the most stressful thing to shop for. I had to leave a shoe shop yesterday because of my son's behaviour. We went to a different shoe shop (no other customers in) and he was an angel and the shopkeeper said he was such a good boy and gave him a balloon! My nephew was sent to live with his grandad when he was about 6. He has an older and a younger sister. He never moved back with his mum. They all go on holiday as a family though and spend a lot of quality time together. He is a happy settled teenager. He loves living with grandma and especially grandad.

Talk to your support workers and do what you think is best for your family.

ohtheholidays · 27/08/2016 09:32

For Fuck Sake I do wish people would read the fucking thread before they comment with crap!

The OP has said they're all of her DH's children!They've sought help!They've been told ADHD!They love they're son very much but he's become violent!He's attacked his Father,his Mother and one of his Siblings!They're son has 1 on 1 every week with his Father,he doesn't want that with his Mother!

I get it OP,I really do.It's bloody exhausting and it can make you feel depressed and suicidal,it can ruin relationships between the adults and the children.

Honestly I'd do what his Grandparents have suggested but I'd dress it up as it was for him for his benefit not for anyone else's.Tell him Nanny and Grandad really really love him and want to be able to have some time alone with him,he's 8 so you could say that he's going to help Nanny and Grandad out,that he's looking after them.

I'm sorry you've been treated so bloody awfully on here there's no excuse what so ever for the way some people on this thread have spoken to you. Flowers

This is supposed to be a place of support,to some they may just be words on a screen but those words are being directed to a human being and it's a human being that's having a really awful time.God Forbid that one day one of those that have been so awful to this OP say the same to some poor person that's at the end of they're tether,I don't think any of us would want what the outcome could be on our hands!

ohtheholidays · 27/08/2016 09:36

Really glad that the last few message have been one's of support unlike so many of the other posts directed at the poor OP.

FTM89 · 27/08/2016 10:23

Oh op my heart was breaking for you even before all your updates Sad
I have no advice but my heart goes out to you and I am sure you are doing your very best Flowers

NavyandWhite · 27/08/2016 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.