To let DS live with my parents.

[Awaitingthedreamboat]

To cut a long story short, we have had a lot of issues with DS1. Behavioural problems and jealousy towards his 3 younger siblings.

He is 8. The 3 little ones are under 3.
I came to a head yesterday and said to my parents I cannot emotionally or physically carry on with his behaviour, even DH is stressed.

Dad text today stating DS1 can live there Sun-Thurs and we will have him back Friday and Saturday.

I'm not sure what to do, our family will fall apart otherwise but I feel so guilty.

You have probably tried but would some sort of visual timetable help him cope with changes to his routine?

I also think with three small ones he must seem very big and old but 8 is so, so, so little still, it really is. I've got an 8yo. He's so mature and independent in some ways but he's just a little child.

Dh is 'threatening' to move out? That doesn't sound as if there is much of a spirit of cooperation between you.

He has a diary we keep to count down to any up and coming things, even as little as shoe shopping.

however I can no longer reply as I'm broken by some of these nasty comments.

Another vote for looking at PDA www.pdasociety.org.uk/what-is-PDA/about-pda

and Ross Greene's website Lives in the Balance www.livesinthebalance.org/ he's the author of The Explosive Child, to see if any of the strategies work for you.

Even though you don't have a diagnosis for the symptoms illustrated above, you may find some of their suggested interventions work well for your son.

As someone else has said try to repost in the SN section, sadly some people see aibu as a chance to be nasty even when the thread is so clearly not a place for that.

Please ask for your thread to be moved as suggested AIBU is maybe not the best section you sound very weary living with your son must be tough

I actually don't think it's such a bad idea OP, I think it's all about the way you manage it. Him living somewhere else doesn't mean that he isn't part of the family and doesn't necessarily mean that he will see it that way either. Would go with your second option though. Treat it like some temporary respite rather than a permanent solution with regular conversations about how much you love him and want him to be at home but things can't carry on as they have for the past years, still spend quality time with him, etc etc. I'm not questioning why you had more children but the fact that you have them means that you have a duty of care to them and sometimes that means difficult decisions.

I'm going against the grain here but....

What's his understanding of the situation like? I mean he must recognise that he is unhappy, that there are a lot of rows at home and that he is finding things difficult.

I wonder whether you could present it as him temporarily staying with your grandparents so he can have a break from the little ones, have fun with his uncles, and you can all have fun time together to work on making things better?

Just thinking about a friend of mine who was sent to boarding school for a year when family life became very difficult. She has said it saved her relationship with her mother, as they both had some space to calm down, miss each other and gradually rebuild. She was a bit older (about 13 I think) but if your DS is articulate enough to understand this it might work.

I actually don't think it's a terrible idea, if he seems to cope better with your parents. This may be a good way to draw a line under some behaviours and show him you love him by visiting frequently and spending time with him away from the other children.

Sorry that you have had such a hard time on here, OP.

Do you think it is more than ADHD? I dont want to armchair diagnose but lots of the behaviours you describe sound more like he could be on the autism spectrum, maybe PDA or ODD.
If it really causing him and the family such distress i would consider it if it were me. It sounds like he needs much more support and you as a family need more help.

post again in the SN section, don't take the horrible comments to heart, you're the only one that really knows how his behaviour is and hopefully you'll get more concrete support there. It's easy for me to say I wouldn't do it, I don't have to live with it day in and day out.

Harsh responses on here as ever. Way to be supportive gang!

Op, it may not be a bad idea. You are the one living your life and the only person on this thread who knows what it is like.

My only point really is that there are three other children's childhoods involved here and you need to make the best decision that works for your family.

Good luck

I agree with pps. AIBU is not a good place as you'll get judgement and bitchiness (although you've also had some good advice too)
DS living with grandparents may seem extreme to some but only you and your family know what it's like in your shoes and so only you can make the judgment on what's best for both ds and everyone in the family

My mum sent my eldest brother to his dad's when me and my sister were tiny because of his behaviour and she hasn't seen him since. I have no memories of him and no way finding him

Actually dont think all the responses are that harsh just different POV

There is a time and a place where parents can get so tired and drained, and safety can become such an issue that this becomes the best option all around. It gives the child a break, it gives everyone a break. He may be able to have a better, happier relationship with you, dh and siblings and have a happier, more stable family to enjoy when it's not a 24 hour battle, and that may give you positives you can build up on. And if the child does better with GPs as an only child, then you and your dh have information on whether it's the environment or relationships he's struggling with: if the behaviour goes with him and is just the same there that also gives you information.

You don't need to ask permission OP, it is ok to do what you feel is the best thing for all your children and your family as a whole. I know with a very high need child there does come a point where you have to balance that other children in the family also have needs and rights, and the child in need is not helped by their family breaking down. Sometimes you have to go for the least damaging option.

Also. If he does go could you also stay at your parents one night a week so he gets some 1-1 time with you to start building things up again?

So sorry that you've had some harsh responses, Awaiting - but please do look at the PDA stuff.

I have 2 friends with DC with PDA - one boy, one girl.
The girl is hyper, destructive, anxiety-driven, routine based etc. - and has found that running/athletics, and karate have been very beneficial to her. When she's in a "state" after school, her mum lets her run round the park for a while until she's worked off some of the pent-up stuff. Karate and gymnastics have been good for her too (she's not currently doing gym though).

I know less about the boy, but he's older now - and a school-refuser.

Hope you keep reading the helpful posts, and I second the idea to re-post in the SN area, where you'll get more understanding and help.

OP, I really think AIBU is not the place to put this question. It sounds like an incredibly difficult situation and I don't think any of us are in a position to help you from the little bit of information you are able to give in an opening post.

Don't be put off by the critical comments, it is hard to understand the nuances and AIBU just invites comments that you ARE being unreasonable. There is no need to discuss the choice of the OP to have more children, for example.

Could you ask for your post to be moved to a less abrasive place, like behaviour and development?

I hate AIBU.

Is your family in counseling? Have you discussed this with those who are treating your son?

This happened to a friend when her grandson tried to kill a sibling by violently pushing her down a flight of stairs. The parents were advised to remove the child for the safety of others. But the whole family was in counseling and it was done under supervision and monitoring by the child's treatment team.

Really agree with Humphrey you'd get much more helpful responses on behaviour or on the SEN board. If you report your OP and ask it to be moved MNHQ usually respond pretty quickly.

Be aware your parents may not give him back ever and if they go to court they will win

Your son's behaviour isn't your fault and it seems to have little connection with the younger siblings - it sounds as if they are just the ones he's focusing on to get at you and get your attention. He's not a neurotypical child. If your parents can deal with him , why not try their plan for , say, three months, and see how it goes ? Make it clear to him that you'll all review it after that.

Your pain comes through clearly. I do hope he can be contained in a way that results in some peace for you all, and that leaves the younger ones calmer too.

It's obviously difficult and you sound as though you're at the end of your tether as well as being stuck in the middle trying to resolve everything. Your DH threatening to take the younger DCs away if your DS doesn't leave sounds like an additional pressure tbh.
I don't think sending your DS away is the right approach. You have to remember too that sending a child to live elsewhere is a very unsettling message to give your other DCs. I know they are little now but they won't always be and when they know that their DS was sent away, it will create uncertainty for them.
You need support as a family. You've said there is little support for your DS so change the focus, look at counselling/classes/workshops for yourself and DH.
You have slipped into labelling your DS as the problem and your other DCs as happy children. You need to try to change that mindset as all the DCs will be impacted negatively by it.