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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let DS live with my parents.

216 replies

Awaitingthedreamboat · 26/08/2016 14:15

To cut a long story short, we have had a lot of issues with DS1. Behavioural problems and jealousy towards his 3 younger siblings.

He is 8. The 3 little ones are under 3.
I came to a head yesterday and said to my parents I cannot emotionally or physically carry on with his behaviour, even DH is stressed.

Dad text today stating DS1 can live there Sun-Thurs and we will have him back Friday and Saturday.

I'm not sure what to do, our family will fall apart otherwise but I feel so guilty.

OP posts:
user1471421772 · 26/08/2016 14:29

Has he got a diagnosis? Sounds difficult but I really don't think sending him away will help. Do you get to spend any one to one time with him?

RubbleBubble00 · 26/08/2016 14:29

Ever looked at ODD, sorry to armchair diagnose but he does sound similar to my ds2

MigGril · 26/08/2016 14:29

What is he like at school have you had any support there?

Send him to his grandparents for a few night break, make it seem like a special treat just for him. But don't let him move in there or spend most of his time there as others say it may just lead to more problems. You need more support.

Heartonmysleeve1 · 26/08/2016 14:30

At first i found it would be sending the wrong message but having read further that you have exhausted other measures and he is becoming violent towards younger more vulnerable siblings, I think it is a safe guarding issue.

Just a few questions, has he had any assessment for SEN? what services have you currently accessed.

I disagree with those who mentioned its because of him having 3 siblings, I have an eight year DS who has a 3 year and 4 month old for siblings he wouldn't act in this way or be physically violent towards them, this is not acceptable behaviour and theres clearly some issues that he needs help with.

HelloWadeKinsella · 26/08/2016 14:30

But...isn't your family going to fall apart anyway, if you send your son to live somewhere else?

There must be more to this than a few issues, because I imagine in most cases of a parent struggling - grandparents might offer to take difficult child for day or a weekend if lucky, how did 'he'll live with us' come up?!

I fear that your relationship with your 8 year old will never be the same if you send him to live somewhere else.

AnyTheWiser · 26/08/2016 14:31

Have you asked him what he'd like?
He might like to have the option of going to grandparents on a daily basis if the little ones are getting to him. I don't know how close GPs live for that to be practical.
It must be very hard for him, having been an only for so long to suddenly have his space invaded.
A flexible arrangement might give him the best of both worlds.

RubbleBubble00 · 26/08/2016 14:31

Done get you solo too or just dad. I set aside 30 mins for ds2 every night. We can play what he wants, read stories, cuddle in his bed with out his brothers. I fly solo so youngest is in bed and oldest is given game console time in sitting room

HughLauriesStubble · 26/08/2016 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Witchend · 26/08/2016 14:33

I think he's probably struggling for,attention with that competition.
Rather than it being a punishment could your parents,present it as a break/sleepover/special holiday because he's a big boy now.

RubbleBubble00 · 26/08/2016 14:34

Ds2 can't put his feelings into words even when asked.

Would your parents take other here dc one day a month so you and dh could lavish him

MrsJayy · 26/08/2016 14:34

I know you have been down all the routes but i think you should go down them again do you do the techniques from your parenting course a nd none work ? That sounds very stressful and dangerous for the siblings however putting him to Gp might make him worse. Do you spend time with him just you no siblings maybe try to set aside a time for him and make a gp appointment you all need help

HelloWadeKinsella · 26/08/2016 14:35

Apologies for my earlier post - I understand more how it got to this after reading your other posts. I'm not in your situation and I don't know what I'd do in the same circumstances so I won't say anything else.

Good luck OP, I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.

trashcanjunkie · 26/08/2016 14:35

I think you could look upon this as an opportunity to break a cycle of behaviour. It sounds like you have tried lots of things without success.

As a pp says, have you asked him? If he sees this as a positive, I would look at it on a temporary basis. Would you then be able to give him one to one contact with either you or your dh and slowly re-build a relationship, then re-introduce him to his younger siblings.

Involve him in the decision process. See what he would think might work.

Don't feel guilty about thinking of all and any solution, no matter how unconventional.

Original poster
Awaitingthedreamboat · 26/08/2016 14:38

To clarify things a little, he was diagnosed with issues by the time he was 5. However the behaviour and violence has been this way since he could walk and talk, way before any siblings to compete with came along.

OP posts:
RubbleBubble00 · 26/08/2016 14:39

What's his diagnosis

Original poster
Awaitingthedreamboat · 26/08/2016 14:39

Yes, I asked him.
He wants to go, since he's 4 the answer for anything he does has been 'because mummy makes me so angry' but I've not done anything wrong 😔

He doesn't like to spend time with me, he likes DH

OP posts:
AtSea1979 · 26/08/2016 14:39

3 under 3? Why are you having more DC when you can't cope with eldest? It's either a short term issue and you haven't given it chance or you've been having more DC and pushing him out over a long period of time. I don't usually say this about large families but it's clear its adding to your DS feelings.
Does he even want to go?
I wouldn't, I'd let your parents have him overnight every now and then to give you respite then carry on.
He'll be back at school soon, I know it must be so hard but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe book the kids in a holiday club for the last week to help with the strain.

AtSea1979 · 26/08/2016 14:40

Cross post, what is his diagnosis and does he have a EHC plan?

Original poster
Awaitingthedreamboat · 26/08/2016 14:43

I'm not in the UK.
They say he's ADHD. No medication and a meeting every 3 months to discuss managing techniques.

OP posts:
SparklyShinyThings · 26/08/2016 14:44

I wouldn't send him, the very clear message when he's old enough to understand would be that you love the younger children more and he didn't deserve to be part of the family.

If you were already struggling with parenting, then adding three more in succession wasnt ever going to help. Now he will have to compete against three tiny children for whatever bits of time he can get.

Original poster
Awaitingthedreamboat · 26/08/2016 14:45

Oh yes of course, I shouldn't of had anymore children and never experienced the joy of bringing up happy children. Hmm

OP posts:
Heartonmysleeve1 · 26/08/2016 14:46

Are a social working or care team involved who you could speak to? The violence is really worrying hes only going to get bigger and stronger as he gets older so something needs to be in place for this, does he display the same behaviours at school?

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 26/08/2016 14:47

Can your dad take the three wee ones occasionally for a few hours so you and DH can spend some time with DS?

Is your DH his dad?

user1471421772 · 26/08/2016 14:47

Please make time for your son. He's pushing you away because he has seen you more with siblings (mat leave etc) but it is so important you make time for him and what he wants to do - take him on a day out to fair or a water park - something that is difficult to do with 3 other kids and make him feel loved. He was your one and only at one point and he probably misses that, even if he may not admit it to you.

AnyTheWiser · 26/08/2016 14:48

Seen your update. That must be so very hard for you Flowers
Did the people that diagnosed him give strategies or therapies to work on his behaviour?
Does he attend school yet? Wondering if he has a support worker there that could advise?

Do you feel bonded with him?

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