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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let DS live with my parents.

216 replies

Awaitingthedreamboat · 26/08/2016 14:15

To cut a long story short, we have had a lot of issues with DS1. Behavioural problems and jealousy towards his 3 younger siblings.

He is 8. The 3 little ones are under 3.
I came to a head yesterday and said to my parents I cannot emotionally or physically carry on with his behaviour, even DH is stressed.

Dad text today stating DS1 can live there Sun-Thurs and we will have him back Friday and Saturday.

I'm not sure what to do, our family will fall apart otherwise but I feel so guilty.

OP posts:
Original poster
Awaitingthedreamboat · 26/08/2016 14:48

Yes, school and support worker have no answers.

I'm actually at a loss. My DH is threatening to move out with the younger ones until we can get a hold on the violence as its not safe.

The other option was to have him Stay with parents so we could really focus on building bonds and relations with him again, and gradually up the amount of time spent in the family home.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/08/2016 14:48

MIght be worth looking at PDA as well - although it's a bugger to get a diagnosis because it's not in DSM-V. Here's a link to see if it fits his picture - the reason I'm mentioning it is because if it IS PDA, then the management techniques are very different from those of other ASC. www.pdasociety.org.uk/resources/extreme-demand-avoidance-questionnaire

IF it's what your DS1 wants, then maybe it would be beneficial to let him stay with his grandparents for a few nights a week. But only if it truly is what he wants.

FATEdestiny · 26/08/2016 14:49

This is not a decision to be made at the back end of the summer holidays.

Even the most patient of parents are battle-weary after 6 weeks off. You are understandably knackered. You may feel differently once he's back at school

stitchglitched · 26/08/2016 14:50

You didn't need to have 3 more! Unless they are triplets of course. I have an 8 year old with SN, always wanted a large family but have had to stop at just one younger sibling because older DC needs more attention and it wouldn't have been fair to overwhelm him with babies.

JellyBelli · 26/08/2016 14:50

A child that is violent in the way yours has been would be too much for me to handle.
I dont think most people have read the details. You've tried therapy and support, and nothing has changed. His behaviour isnt normal, and he's violent towards the rest of the family.
I dont think most of use could cope with him either. You've got your other children to worry aobut. Flowers

Momzilla82 · 26/08/2016 14:50

Again, adding to the armchair diagnosis sorry but this is something which is being looked into for one of my friend's children and something you have written sparked this. Has anyone mentioned PDA as a possibility?
www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/pda.aspx

It all sounds horribly difficult- but I think some of the language you are using to describe him (versus the other three) makes it clear you don't hold out much hope for changing things. That makes me sad for your son.

AnyTheWiser · 26/08/2016 14:51

8 can be a tricky age for boys, ADHD in the mix must be so much for him to cope with!
I agree for you to try to get one-to-one with him, not just DH. I think that's important for you and could pay off for him too in the future.

ImYourMama · 26/08/2016 14:52

To the people saying don't send him.. Hmm

You have a duty of care to the younger 3!

Get him out of the house until he can learn to behave with respect. And then you rebuild your relationship bit by bit

MunchCrunch01 · 26/08/2016 14:53

sounds hard, i don't think the solution is letting live at the GP for a long stretch of the week though, again, family experience where this didn't work out very well as only made the boy involved more insecure even though it was what he said he wanted. We might say we want to be pushed away, but we don't really want it to happen. Sometimes we don't know what we need, especially children.

Lunar1 · 26/08/2016 14:53

Do they all have the same dad? Maybe the younger three can live with your dad while you help the eldest.

HedgehogHedgehog · 26/08/2016 14:53

Does he want to? Does he like it there? Id actually say it was a good idea if that is the case but make sure to stress that he can come back any time he wants and that its not some sort of punishment but just a measure to help him get more attention and time given to him. He may benefit from being around his uncles who he can look up to rather than around the babies who are making him anxious and feel pushed out. I think if its all handled well it wont make him feel rejected. As long as you involve him in the decision and keep asking about his feelings regarding it all. Ive got a friend who lived with another family briefly when she was growing up as her parents were finding it hard to cope and she says its the best thing that ever happened to her. My DP also spent a year living with his best friends family when his mother was depressed and also looks back on that time with happiness (not his mums depression obv but the time he spent with the friends family)

TooDamnNosyy · 26/08/2016 14:53

The only person who can decide whats best for your own child is you! If you feel it is your only option at the moment and have EXHAUSTED most if not all avenues then its entirely your decision. This is not a forum for people to shove opinions down your throat. At the end of the day you and DH are living this. You are doing whats best for your family!

I really feel for you... I have absolutely no experience in what you are going through! Even if you test it out for a couple of weeks and see how his behaviors improve. You might decide you cant have him away for that long.

Flowers stay positive xxxx

Original poster
Awaitingthedreamboat · 26/08/2016 14:54

My parents work between 9-2.30. There is no way they could look after non school age children.

OP posts:
PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 26/08/2016 14:55

My mum sent my sister to live with her dad when things got this bad. It made her worse. A lot of love has to go into her and she is still very moody and unpredictable now as an adult (although not violent now). I'm not sure what the answer is but I don't think you will find your solution by sending DS away to grandparents.
Is there anywhere such as a holiday that just you and DS can go on for a week or something just you two to try and sort the issues he seems to have with you at the moment (taking this from the bit where you said he likes DH but you make him angry)
I'm not sure what the long term solution is but your short term solution may make things worse on you all

Fairylea · 26/08/2016 14:55

What is his diagnosis? I'm guessing asd or pda (which is part of asd). Do you have any respite? I get the feeling there is a whole lot of background to unpick - what kind of school is he at, is he well supported there? Does he have an ehcp? Do you use pda strategies at home? Does he have time away from the siblings? A safe space when he's stressed? Lots of things to consider. Sending him to live with someone else would be the very last thing I would do.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 26/08/2016 14:55

OP, I can understand people wondering whether you really had to have three more (assuming no multiples obv), and in such quick succession, when you knew it was likely tomake things difficult both for ds1 and for the younger siblings. Also, your comment indicates you don't have any joy in him at all - that is worrying IMO. How was his birth, did you bond?

The screaming thing made me think of Pathological Demand Avoidance, which I think is an ASC. Have you read The Explosive Child?

SN or no, he's been through a very profound transition at home and must be struggling with the changes. Even if he says he wants to go to your parents, he will at some point or level see this as having been sent away so that everyone else could get on with their happy family life (and you could have your 'joy'), and that will damage your relationship forever.

Sirzy · 26/08/2016 14:56

It's a no win situation really, are your parents in a position where they could cope with it? Both psychically and mentally?

In the country you are in would they consider medication if you asked about a trial at your next appointment? Has he had any sort of counselling?

Original poster
Awaitingthedreamboat · 26/08/2016 14:56

he pushed the ironing board into me yesterday and the iron burnt me. I'm just so fed up

OP posts:
LittleReindeerwithcloggson · 26/08/2016 14:56

Off the wall suggestion here - does he do sport? There is a child on my daughters tennis squad with a reputation for violent and aggressive behaviour. Younger siblings were taking the brunt of it and even putting him into care had been considered. He was excluded from school and the parents were at their wits end. On the advice of a therapist he started tennis, karate and football. His parents said this taught him emotional and physical self control, made friends, used up a considerable amount of energy and made him feel proud of what he could do. Also spends time with Dad practicing which is a special one on one time for him. Still a few issues but back in mainstream school and doing well. Parents nearly divorced over the pressure but whole family doing really well.

Jessbow · 26/08/2016 14:56

if you aim to get tea early, get thethree littlies into bed, and devotea couple of hours just to him, how would he react?

user1471537877 · 26/08/2016 14:57

OP, come over to the special needs section where you will find others in similar situations

I don't have all the answers I'm afraid but do have a challenging set up so know how you feel

The thing I have found is that an initial diagnosis is often only the start of your journey, some of his behaviour does sound like PDA which needs careful handling

If you come over look out for polter goose who gives great advice and tons of links to helpful infoFlowers

Original poster
Awaitingthedreamboat · 26/08/2016 14:58

He has to follow the same routine, I I dared fed and bathe them without him he'd make my life living hell.

I'm not allowed to so anything

OP posts:
midnightlurker · 26/08/2016 14:59

If he has ADHD that is affecting his daily life (as it clearly is) then push for a trial of medication. I know some lovely children and young adults who have ADHD. All are so sweet and kind and wonderful people, but they do need careful handling and they benefit enormously from medication that suits them. Without it, they can be very aggressive, with incredible strength when in a rage. In one case, siblings chose to leave home and live with relatives to escape them (pre medication). Worth a try before you split your family up. The person with the most severe ADHD I know will be on medication for life, but it gives them the chance for a stable life, to hold down a job, make friends, be independent and respected. Unlike a close relative who has had no help, can't keep a job, a relationship or a home. Or another teen who is permanently in trouble with the Police. Worth a try if other avenues are not working? If it doesn't work, get them to double check the diagnosis. Some types of sensory problems can present as ADHD.

Nabootique · 26/08/2016 14:59

Does he behave like this at your parents'?

SparklyShinyThings · 26/08/2016 14:59

The fact you had more as you wanted happy children says a lot.

You sound as though you don't like him or his dad, parenting should be about unconditional love. If it shows to a bunch of strangers on the net then an eight year old in real life will be very aware of it.