To be upset by this email from friend?

[mscongeniality]

First time poster...a bit of a long one so please bear with me.

I have a good friend who I've known since primary school (we're both in our early 30's now). She lives in the US. We have a very good open friendship, able to talk about pretty much anything. She's always been very level headed and non judgemental.

I have a 16 month old DS. We were very lucky to have gotten pregnant very quickly when we started trying. She was the second person I told after I found out. She was a newly wed at the time and naturally very happy for me. A year and a bit ago she started trying for a baby...months passed and she didn't get that BFP. I would try and message her now and then to see how she was doing, and try to support her and try and say the right things. One of my very good friends here has also struggled with infertility for the past few years so sadly I do know a lot about what the struggle is like, but of course its hard to really know until you're in the situation and I totally get that. So once I realised she was struggling, I stopped bringing up my son and anything parenting related with her just in case that would upset her. I don't send her any pics or updates about him, although once in a while I post a photo on Facebook for all friends and family to see.

Last night I got a long email from her completely out of the blue. The opening line was "you asked if there's anything you can do......and there is one thing you could do, actually: Recognising that infertile people exist, and being sensitive to that."

And then she goes on to tell me "As someone who would do anything to be a mother, it is so painful to see jokey posts on facebook about "things that only moms understand" .... and then basically a rant about how its not her fault she's infertile and how she's very healthy and so on and on. It was so random and I wasn't expecting it at all, and it honestly really really upset me. I had no idea what post she was talking about so I actually had to go into my Facebook and scroll through to see. The last 'mom joke' thing I had posted was a month ago, and it was about something that I identified with a lot otherwise I never post things like that. I clarified with her if thats the post she was talking about and she said yes it was. In my eyes it was harmless and I shared it without thinking so may be that was my bad.

Anyways I'm more upset about the way she went about it, if she had just sent me a message saying 'Hi --- , there's something on my mind and I was wondering if I could talk to you about it'...would have gone down a lot better? She also admitted that she knows I didn't do it intentionally. And it was a whole month ago!

I honestly don't know if I have the right to be upset or is she allowed to vent her frustrations out on me and I have to accept it? Incidentally I showed her email to my other friend whose about to start IVF, in case I was over reacting, and she said she was very upset for me on my behalf.

Thanks for reading.

I would customize your future fb posts to "not share" with your friend. You already apologuised for any hurt you unintentionally triggered.

Yanbu.

She is being very unpleasant.

I went through IVF 3 times, suffered a miscarriage whilst people around me were getting pregnant & having babies.

Hurting does not mean that you are justified in trampling over other people's feelings.

If she is unsuccessful in having a baby will she go through life never showing any gratitude for the happiness or success of her loved ones / friends.

If you really care about somebody you want them to be happy & you share in their happiness & achievements.
for you - your friend does not sound much of a friend tbh.

I don't know. I think for normal people ttc becomes ( understandably) all consuming.
When had dd1 for example my brother and his wife didn't even feel able to acknowledge her-as they had just had a fail on their first ivf. I felt a bit hurt, but I got it really. It must be a sodding awful feeling.

I would assume if she's not brought it up for a month something else has happened - like her period.

I don't think YABU but i get her U is from pain and grief.

I'd lock her out of any posts and ask her frankly is she would rather when you message her for you to talk about DS or not

YANBU am confused as to why people are saying you offended her, she WAS offended by the meme, but like PP have said, she sought out your page, you didn't directly contact her complaining about 'mummy-issues'. Bit amateur psych but I wonder if she is trying to control your fb posting as she feels understandably a loss of control around her fertility?

YANBU.

I have friends who are currently suffering with infertility. Not once have they said I'm insensitive for sharing pictures of MY kids on FB. They may have me on ignore but I know both still attend baby showers and don't get mad at their friends just because they are moms. She clearly needs an outlet and unfortunately you are hers right now.

I've been dealing with infertility treatments for 3+ years now and I understand where she's coming from. It is really heartbreaking to look at FB because it is so full with babyscans, child and mum related posts. It's almost like that's the only topic people can post about and it can make me feel really bad when I'm in a vulnerable mood. HOWEVER you should be able to post what you like. She can choose not to read it. So YANBU

I really feel for both of you. I'm suffering secondary infertility so I've been both sides of the coin. Wanting to share every amazing bit of news about your baby, then the desolate nauseating falling into a black hole feeling everytime someone mentions their pregnancy. But you have to live your life and you sound like you are being sensitive most of the time, much more sensitive than the friend who ruined my birthday party by rocking up and announcing her pregnancy😳. It sounds like something has happened her end to push her over the edge, maybe try and find out what that is? But don't be upset if she needs some distance from you, it won't be personal. All this is just a coping strategy for a very soul destroying situation and actually may be a cry for help

Very unMumsnetty hugs for all those who have shared their experiences of infertility.

I am a bit bemused by people who seem to think that "walking on eggshells" is some impossible feat. Isn't it just what we do when people are vulnerable? If someone is struggling, recently bereaved, depressed, dealing with infertility or anything else, we tend to make allowances and to try to be that teeny bit more sensitive than normal with them. It can be wearing, of course. But you make allowances and you cut slack and you try to support and you put up with perhaps a bit more than you normally would, because that's what friends do for each other.

Of course, there are common sense limits: you don't take repeated abuse from a person, awful behaviour, heinous betrayal, that kind of thing. But one mildly upsetting or unreasonable email does not make someone a victim.

The world would be a very tough place indeed if we all abandoned each other as soon as the going got tough in a relationship. OP seems to recognise this and to be prepared to put in the legwork. I wish we all had more friends like her!