Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To be upset by this email from friend?

209 replies

mscongeniality · 25/08/2016 12:44

First time poster...a bit of a long one so please bear with me.

I have a good friend who I've known since primary school (we're both in our early 30's now). She lives in the US. We have a very good open friendship, able to talk about pretty much anything. She's always been very level headed and non judgemental.

I have a 16 month old DS. We were very lucky to have gotten pregnant very quickly when we started trying. She was the second person I told after I found out. She was a newly wed at the time and naturally very happy for me. A year and a bit ago she started trying for a baby...months passed and she didn't get that BFP. I would try and message her now and then to see how she was doing, and try to support her and try and say the right things. One of my very good friends here has also struggled with infertility for the past few years so sadly I do know a lot about what the struggle is like, but of course its hard to really know until you're in the situation and I totally get that. So once I realised she was struggling, I stopped bringing up my son and anything parenting related with her just in case that would upset her. I don't send her any pics or updates about him, although once in a while I post a photo on Facebook for all friends and family to see.

Last night I got a long email from her completely out of the blue. The opening line was "you asked if there's anything you can do......and there is one thing you could do, actually: Recognising that infertile people exist, and being sensitive to that."

And then she goes on to tell me "As someone who would do anything to be a mother, it is so painful to see jokey posts on facebook about "things that only moms understand" .... and then basically a rant about how its not her fault she's infertile and how she's very healthy and so on and on. It was so random and I wasn't expecting it at all, and it honestly really really upset me. I had no idea what post she was talking about so I actually had to go into my Facebook and scroll through to see. The last 'mom joke' thing I had posted was a month ago, and it was about something that I identified with a lot otherwise I never post things like that. I clarified with her if thats the post she was talking about and she said yes it was. In my eyes it was harmless and I shared it without thinking so may be that was my bad.

Anyways I'm more upset about the way she went about it, if she had just sent me a message saying 'Hi --- , there's something on my mind and I was wondering if I could talk to you about it'...would have gone down a lot better? She also admitted that she knows I didn't do it intentionally. And it was a whole month ago!

I honestly don't know if I have the right to be upset or is she allowed to vent her frustrations out on me and I have to accept it? Incidentally I showed her email to my other friend whose about to start IVF, in case I was over reacting, and she said she was very upset for me on my behalf.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
GingerbreadGingerbread · 25/08/2016 13:03

YANBU

Original poster
mscongeniality · 25/08/2016 13:05

Just to clarify again, I'm not upset about what she said but more how she went about it. If that post bothered her then I wish she had just messaged me that day and told me about it? Instead of waiting a month and letting the resentment build up?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 25/08/2016 13:07

If that post bothered her then I wish she had just messaged me that day and told me about it? Instead of waiting a month and letting the resentment build up?

It won't be just that. Somethings things do just build up and you end up exploding at something which is totally inconsequential and nothing at all to get upset about. I'm not excusing her at all (she should have stepped away from the keyboard while she was angry) but reactions aren't always rational.

middlings · 25/08/2016 13:07

I'm an infertility veteran (now have two DDs).

She is being hugely unfair. There were things that I saw and heard that upset me but with one exception of someone being mind numbingly insensitive they were never directed at me and never intentional. I had one friend to whom I would rant for five minutes if something happened, and then I got on with my day.

Her infertility is not your fault. Nor is her resentment. One can be gentle, kind and sensitive without pandering. Which is what it sounds like she wants you to do.

positivity123 · 25/08/2016 13:08

It sounds like she is going through a rough time. YANBU to wonder where this has come from. If she's getting this upset about it and waiting a month to tell you I think it sounds like her head is all over the place. It sounds like you are being lovely about it so try to forgive her for acting out.

everdene · 25/08/2016 13:08

OP I think you've been very thoughtful and sensitive to her feelings.

Some parenting memes are insensitive - I have a friend who posts images with sugary messages like 'Only a Mum understands the overwhelming love for her baby' which i did find tough when I was TTC.

However what you have posted was very caring and the card isn't something that could usually be taken exception to, so I do think your friend is having a really tough time with he'd infertility and is targeting you to lash out at. As pp have said, I'd put her on restricted view on your Facebook rather than alter your behaviour, you've done nothing wrong.

Feilin · 25/08/2016 13:09

I've been through the infertility wringer and I've sat and said nothing every time a meme or a pic of a baby appeared on my newsfeed. Not once did I ever say anything about how much it upset me as I understood other people have a right to post what they like in Facebook and other media. Your friend is understandably hurting and though this might be harsh I'd suggest you give her the space and if she brought it up again then maybe it might be time to re evaluate where you are both at friendship wise . In time you will both be able to discuss this properly but to try to now would likely have her end the friendship.

CarShare · 25/08/2016 13:10

I probably wouldn't have shown another friend her email. As others have said, the drugs and relentless sadness of infertility does strange things to people's brains. She'll probably live to regret sending it and apologise but in the meantime I'd do her the dignity of keeping her words private. I sympathise that this must have been a shock for you and don't think you've lacked sensitivity but where you say "I've said all the right things" I guess maybe check in with her about how she's like you to support her instead of assuming you have been saying/doing the right things for her personally (people deal with infertility in different ways).

Feilin · 25/08/2016 13:10

Also I agree with other posters placing her on restricted viewing may help as well.

Chikara · 25/08/2016 13:11

Sorry - missed the fact that she lives abroad - apologies I was skimming. (Must learn not to do that!!!! Blush

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 25/08/2016 13:11

I remember after having lost my only sister to cancer a number of years ago getting very upset when friends posted memes about how great sisters are, how they're your best friend, can't live without them that sort of thing however I'd never have dreamt of saying anything to anyone.
If I was you I'd say you're sorry you've hurt her, it was unintentional and a one off. That you've tried hard to be sensitive to her situation, not talking about parenting or your DC but that you will be more careful in the future. She's clearly struggling, she's angry and she's taken it out on you.

CrazyCavalierLady · 25/08/2016 13:12

YADNBU!

Kione · 25/08/2016 13:13

I had a very similar situation, but my friend is not a close friend, she is a friend of friends and we have been to same parties etc. She was infertile and adopted a girl. She had a massive mental breakdown and the child taken away from her. I said in a post something like "I can't believe I am going to watch Finding Dory with a migraine, just putting ear plugs on and look like a loony" I am preg at the moment too, and seriously the migraines are bad, they have me in bed most times. She replied publicly how she would have 100 times my migraine and still have a kid, how could I complain if i had another one on the way, how she is dying inside etc.
I ignored it. Its different for you because yours is a close friend.
But I did sent a private message saying I can't even imagine how she must feel, but that people everywhere have kids and she must see pics and posts all the time, I didn't feel like I had done anything wrong, but I will try in the future. What I did was restrict her so she couldn't see any of my posts any more. The strange thing is, she apologized and explained what a shit time she is having. I sent another email trying to be nice. After that she unfriended me. I am not bothered but I do think of her.
I think you could apologize and restrict her for certain posts. I understand you don't want to end the friendship so just do that and hope that her feelings will settle. Don't feel bad.

ElspethFlashman · 25/08/2016 13:14

What she is bluntly asking you to do, it seems to me, is never post anything about kids on your FB.

I think when there's an unfollow button, that's unreasonable. That's the whole function of the unfollow button!

I would respond saying that you're sorry it upset her (cos you are) and you fully understand her needing to unfollow you for a bit and perhaps it is best to keep in touch by email only so as to be sure nothing triggering slips through.

Original poster
mscongeniality · 25/08/2016 13:15

It's really thrown me because I honestly have tried to be as sensitive with her as I can, because I do realise people deal with things differently. It's hard to keep in touch due to our time differences but I try and message her once in a while to see how she is. I wait for her to bring it up in case she doesn't want to talk about it. So now I feel like wow I have been way off about how to approach things with her.

OP posts:
TinyTear · 25/08/2016 13:15

She is the one who should use the unfollow button if she doesn't want to see your posts.

i have had 5 miscarriages (fortunate to have children) and at the depth of mc pain I unfollowed anyone with children or pregnant from my feed... kept them as friends, added them again once the pain was better, but it was up to me to hide things and not for them to censor

wherethefuckisthefuckingtuna · 25/08/2016 13:15

Sorry, but YANBU.

Your friend is having fertility struggles, and you have recognised that and gone out of your way not to rub it in or be smug.

It's not like you sent the picture directly to her. It's not fair for her to take it out on you.

I have MS and can't walk very far unaided. Can you imagine if I sent shitty emails to all my friends every time they posted on Facebook about walking somewhere, or going to the gym? Of course I don't. Because I am so happy that my friends don't have to put up with the pain and fatigue and other shit that comes with having a chronic health condition. I enjoy watching them living their lives. Because they're my friends and I love them.

Original poster
mscongeniality · 25/08/2016 13:15

In her follow up email she said she had already unfollowed me on Facebook but liked to check occasionally so see what I was upto...

OP posts:
TinyTear · 25/08/2016 13:18

Then she should only check when she is not feeling fragile

TinyTear · 25/08/2016 13:19

not to mention the thing you posted was not a mushy "only mums are the best you are not a woman without a child" crap

PoshPenny · 25/08/2016 13:19

I had a friend like this many years ago, it all went to pieces when I named my daughter a name that apparently they wanted for their daughter if/when she ever materialised. Well I must have missed that conversation because I simply couldn't remember it. So we drifted apart as a result. Thankfully she did eventually get pregnant and our friendship recovered. I'd just try to ignore it, it is out of jealousy, frustration and sadness that she's trawled through all your old FB stuff and worked herself up into such a rage she needs to message you about it. I don't think anything you can say will make it better - she needs to work through it herself. Not fair on you though.

Underparmummy · 25/08/2016 13:20

She's being weird (maybe understandably so though). Restrict her on fb and post what you want, you shouldn't have to overthink how you interact with the world through her filter.

Original poster
mscongeniality · 25/08/2016 13:20

She gave me this analogy; "what if someone really really wanted a PhD (she has one) and couldn't get one for whatever reason, I would try not to post anything PhD related in case it upset them".

OP posts:
Bountybarsyuk · 25/08/2016 13:20

I think this is a real problem with Facebook, you are facing too many people at once, and every time you post something about your children, dad, mum, sister and so forth, there may be someone who has just lost someone or who is desperate to get pregnant. I would probably email her saying you completely understand, but you are likely to post stuff about your child/being a mum again, and so if she wants to unfollow, that's very understandable. I had a friend who was very upset about not having a baby (she did in the end) and avoided talk of or visiting me when I just had a baby, she was very honest, and it worked fine, and our friendship got back on track. Here, given the distance, I think there's a danger that this one won't but there is not much you can do about it.

embo1 · 25/08/2016 13:21

YADNBU.
She is being incredibly self-centred.
Yes, she is hurting and angry, but it's not your fault and you shouldn't have to pussy foot around her to such an extent...
You should not be made to feel guilty for having children.
Your post is a perfectly normal thing for a mum to post. If she can not deal with friends having children, then she needs to distance herself from you, not dictate what you can and can't do.