To be upset by this email from friend?

[mscongeniality]

First time poster...a bit of a long one so please bear with me.

I have a good friend who I've known since primary school (we're both in our early 30's now). She lives in the US. We have a very good open friendship, able to talk about pretty much anything. She's always been very level headed and non judgemental.

I have a 16 month old DS. We were very lucky to have gotten pregnant very quickly when we started trying. She was the second person I told after I found out. She was a newly wed at the time and naturally very happy for me. A year and a bit ago she started trying for a baby...months passed and she didn't get that BFP. I would try and message her now and then to see how she was doing, and try to support her and try and say the right things. One of my very good friends here has also struggled with infertility for the past few years so sadly I do know a lot about what the struggle is like, but of course its hard to really know until you're in the situation and I totally get that. So once I realised she was struggling, I stopped bringing up my son and anything parenting related with her just in case that would upset her. I don't send her any pics or updates about him, although once in a while I post a photo on Facebook for all friends and family to see.

Last night I got a long email from her completely out of the blue. The opening line was "you asked if there's anything you can do......and there is one thing you could do, actually: Recognising that infertile people exist, and being sensitive to that."

And then she goes on to tell me "As someone who would do anything to be a mother, it is so painful to see jokey posts on facebook about "things that only moms understand" .... and then basically a rant about how its not her fault she's infertile and how she's very healthy and so on and on. It was so random and I wasn't expecting it at all, and it honestly really really upset me. I had no idea what post she was talking about so I actually had to go into my Facebook and scroll through to see. The last 'mom joke' thing I had posted was a month ago, and it was about something that I identified with a lot otherwise I never post things like that. I clarified with her if thats the post she was talking about and she said yes it was. In my eyes it was harmless and I shared it without thinking so may be that was my bad.

Anyways I'm more upset about the way she went about it, if she had just sent me a message saying 'Hi --- , there's something on my mind and I was wondering if I could talk to you about it'...would have gone down a lot better? She also admitted that she knows I didn't do it intentionally. And it was a whole month ago!

I honestly don't know if I have the right to be upset or is she allowed to vent her frustrations out on me and I have to accept it? Incidentally I showed her email to my other friend whose about to start IVF, in case I was over reacting, and she said she was very upset for me on my behalf.

Thanks for reading.

blue Well I clearly meant no offense - It took me a damned long time to come to terms with my being "childless" (there better?) but one of the most empowering things I did was desensitize myself to the word barren - Yes it held power over me - but I turned it around on it's head, wouldn't sissy away from a word. Perhaps, we've stumbled on the answer to our original posed question: Properly asked, it would be.... Can you be TOO sensitive?

Do you know if she is going through any treatment at the moment OP? Because when I took Clomid, it made me so irrationally hormonal that I couldn't hide my upset / frustration with people who got pregnant easily and ended up hiding myself away. It was awful, like the sensible, empathetic part of my brain just couldn't break through and I felt like the world was so unfair DH actually cancelled some things on our behalf after I walked home from a party crying hysterically because someone was complaining about an accidental pregnancy and I'm usually nice, honestly!

YANBU but I think you know that. You shouldn't have to sensor yourself on your own FB. Yes when you want a baby more than anything, posts about how hard being a mother is hurts, but it's a fact of life. I have FB friends who post updates and memes all the time so I've hidden them. It's not their fault I find them upsetting.

IMO, I think you should leave it a while then gently approach it, over the phone if you can (email doesn't convey your tone at all). Simply tell her that you're lives are very different. You know she's struggling, and if you're completely honest, you know you can't ever fully understand, so you'd like to deal with that head on. If it helps her, you won't talk about your DC to her or mention sleepless nights etc, but by the same token, she is your friend and you do need her to show some care for you and how your life is going - even if that is limited right now while she's going through this. Then see how she responds.
It would also be good for her to think that if she does ever become a mother, friends who understand and can relate to those issues will be great to lean on.

One thing I would say - infertility is a dark, scary, all-consuming thing to go through. When it's happening to you, you tend to shut yourself away, think about nothing else and (for me anyway) reach out for support from people who knew what you're going through - and a collective of people going through a shit time can really skew your vision.

And continuing to be offensive Mums, well done - are you now trying to offend? You realise your last statement essentially says "you lot are overly sensitive precious flowers" .

And actually my offence was taken at your statement that a pet would replace a child (and my god, I love my dog!) or that adoption was easy. Not the word barren.

It's almost like playing what not to say to infertile people bingo blue.

mums you say you had to desensitise yourself to the word "barren" but you don't seem to be able to see others dislike being referred to as barren. I don't get it.

blue and Purple No, not meant to cause offense. I think you are best placed to advise the questioner - you seem to have the monopoly on childlessness, pity-partying - and the long list of taboo words, which you will allow. Woe betide anyone who might fall foul of your strict wording rules. Even though I have had my share of MCs and IVFs, fostered and adopted many - (Got two of them visiting right now, actually, though they flew the nest years ago, can't get rid of em, lol!) Don't diss me just because I came to terms with it in a way you couldn't. Anyway, be lucky - My lot are rolling up here - They say ignore you, you're upset cause of...you know...the unmentionable.

HOUSE!!

Damn blue you beat me to it. I was so busy with my own pity party that I couldn't read the thread through my tears.

I'd better go look up how to adopt since I've never considered that before or get myself a dog.

@mumsmyothername

- I won't report you, as I believe in free speech and honest respectful debate.

We too believe in free speech but we have our talk guidelines for a reason.
We URGE people to report posts that break them
Thanks as ever

The irony that mumsy admonished the OP saying Try being less passive-aggressive? A tad more empathy is quite something.

Put her on your restrict list so she can't see anything you post and keep in touch via email instead.

You're in the line of fire.
She's cross with her situation.

I've been her. For a long time & you (rightfully) lose perspective at times.

Please be gentle with her. Congratulations to you

Hi OP I haven't read full thread so sorry if I repeat what others already said. YANBU. Seems you have tried hard to be sensitive and supportive. You have recognised that life is not fair in giving you easily the thing she most longs for. I would be wary of sucking up her pain splashed out on you in this way. If she can own her pain & share the journey with you in an honest way, that doesn't unfairly focus on you as the "cause" of her pain, you can go forwards together in a healthy way. But if you suck up too much unfair treatment, you risk losing your friendship long term as you will disappear in the relationship & serve only to soak up her blame. If you truly want to safeguard the friendship, you must tell her she has hurt you and her outburst , although understandable, is not fair and not a true reflection of your friendship to her. If she cannot apologise & be careful of your feelings too, back away until she is ready to say sorry and behave diff. Really feel for you. )And for her too.

I don't think it's as clear cut as you're right and she's wrong. I'd say your friend is feeling deeply unhappy and needs a lot of support. Unfortunately, it is very hard to hear friends crowing about their babies or moaning about being tired when all you want is a baby. It doesn't make either of you wrong or unreasonable, it's just one of those tough things. I'd just be kind, she's already in pain and she can't see straight. Just say you're so sorry she's upset, you don't mean to be insensitive. No point in making it worse.

Yanbu to be upset and I'm afraid that I think I'd have reacted less generously than you have.
Whilst it is sad that she is struggling to conceive, the reality is we all have our own baggage and burdens and we cannot tiptoe around each other all the time.
You didn't intentionally upset her and so I think she's directing her hurt at you and to be honest being a bit of a bitch. She may be hurting but she is an adult and still in control of what she says and how she acts

The thing about those mummy memes is that they're not actually funny.* And when you combine that with the very dark cynicism you tend to develop when infertile, it's just a bad combination.

That said, I don't think this is really about a Facebook meme. It sounds like your friend is really struggling. I'd put money on the fact that she's just had a treatment round fail, or some other bad news. I'd just gloss over the FB thing ("mea culpa") and ask her how she is. And acknowledge things are shit and might not ever work out for her. As the wise bip said up thread, it's good to be the bigger person when you're in a position of good fortune. You sound like a good friend and I'm sure you will both move past this

• Really, they're not. At best they're mildly amusing, crossed with a dad-joke-like cringe.

Yep, agree with blue, back on page 6, mine too. Of course you weren't trying to make her feel bad but it's all the little things like this that really hurt and make your heart ache in a way that is very difficult to explain when you're dealing with infertility.

I will always remember the morning someone posted something along the lines of 'how dare people without children complain that they're tired!'. I didn't have children but I was tired. I had just miscarried IVF twins in my second trimester and was anaemic from having lost so much blood. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. I didn't say anything, of course, most people don't in these situations, but a little bit of me wanted to. She was being lighthearted and hadn't said it to hurt me but I really was desperately hurting. To me, my childless tiredness seemed a million times worse than her new baby tiredness.

In my experience, when you're going through infertility, there's a sadness that's always there and most of the time you can keep it under control and get on with being genuinely happy for lovely friends and their lovely families. But sometimes something would happen or someone would say something and the sadness would just seem too big. On those days I used to sob and get angry and feel like a failure for not being able to do what seemed to come so easily to so many women. For me, this happened at home alone or in front of my lovely husband and to the outside world it seemed I was coping just fine, but maybe this was your friend's way of venting after a bad day/week/month?

You were upset, I understand, but she was upset too to send that email. Just trying to look for a possible explanation...

(All the best for the rest of your pregnancy, blue2014)

I think I would email her and say that you are sorry you offended her and that you will be more mindful of your settings and who can see what you post. I wouldn't agree to not post anything related to your children.
If she is finding those kind of posts upsetting though I'm surprised she is on Facebook at all unless she only has other childless friends. The feeds of my friends who are parents are nothing but pictures of their kids, gushing statuses, 'tag 5 fantastic mums' etc. It would be easier for her to give Facebook a wide berth rather than try to dictate what each of her friends on there post but I guess she's not feeling particularly rational right now.

YANBU to be upset. Your friend is going through a challenging time. However, this does not give her the right to dictate to you what you should or should not put up on your own social media pages. She has the power to control how affected she is by other people's posts by NOT LOOKING!

I had someone v close suffer infertility. Thankfully before fb. But she did end up being a total bitch to me after I fell pregnant for the first time with long, harassing phone calls about how I could be more sensitive. Thing is, I tried really hard but it was never enough . I did reduce contact for a while saying I couldn't cope. She later apologised for being a bitch and Sai she wasn't thinking straight. I don't think changing the way you handle it is the answer. It sounds as if you are not waving it in her face and, if that's not enough and you have to erase all evidence of your lifestyle, well, it's just impossible . She has to meet you halfway

Well said bumsex But, also, I feel this woman is extremely fragile to even send an email like that, how long has she been trying? I mean, can you imagine how that went for her, writing that email - She's trying to share her pain, really. Say nothing, she will neither understand, nor thank you for your logic. She is going through a process similar to grieving. FB settings.

Wow. She is being very unreasonable. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with the very, very mild cartoon you posted.

She is projecting her anger at not being able to conceive onto you because you have a child and she doesn't. That is wrong. You are in her circle of friends/family/acquaintances and most likely, she already had a grievance of some kind against you or may not like you as much as you thought so you were convenient to project her feelings onto.

She may know other women with babies but she's chosen you to be angry at. She owes you an apology. She's jealous and her sadness and frustration does not excuse her lashing out at you and tainting your happiness. If you had truly been insensitive, then yes, she would be totally in the right. But you haven't if posting that cartoon was the only thing you "did' to her.

This happened to me. My evil sil told me she wished my baby would die. We are estranged still from my family's mother, brother, and his wife (sil) because they think all the evil stuff she said to me, my husband, and my son was A-ok. She had her child three months after I had mine but that wasn't enough for her. She stole my joy when I was pregnant when she told me her death wish. She hated me, and I like you made sure I didn't do anything insensitive toward her. It took me ten years to conceive and I hope I would never lash out at a mother's joy at having a much wanted child.

Let this woman go.

I've only read half of the first page, but I didn't want to read and run. I've had fertility issues since my daughter was born (9 years ago in December)
Whilst I'm not at all trying to say you aren't sympathetic (you sound very understanding actually!) It is, and can be so , so hard going through that struggle.

I started trying for baby no2 a year after DD was born, and it's honestly been a rollercoaster of different emotions. For the past three years I've laughed it off and said "it's just because I'm fat, I'd fall pregnant if I lost the weight" or something similarly stupid to try and laugh it off....despite the fact I've put on weight because of my hormones! I was undisguised for 6 years, and things had gotten far worse, despite having been to the drs countless times.

Sorry, a bit of a tangent! But it can be completely consuming, and she may actually be aware that you aren't as open with her about your child because of her infertility, she may not see it the way you do. She may feel excluded from knowing about your child because she isn't a mother...I think that will be the key issue here.
Infertility diminishes your self worth, and makes you feel like there is something fundamentally broken within you, and it makes us super aware of feeling like others think that of us.

There are people who try to hold me at arm's length when they conceive, or have a new baby, but some of these people have had 3 children in the time I've not managed to get/stay pregnant... we do go through a stage of being thrilled for friends, but also so, so sad for ourselves, but we get past that, and it just becomes a little twinge of sadness we feel for ourselves much later than the happiness for our friend... give her the opportunity to be close to your child if you are close enough to her.

She may make a wonderful godmother or something.

Just speak with her if you want to save the friendship.

It must be heartbreaking for her that's for sure. But wanting you walk on eggshells? Really? Block her on Facebook so she doesn't your posts.

See your posts. I meant.

I think in a situation like this no one can do right for doing wrong.

"I stopped bringing up my son and anything parenting related with her just in case that would upset her. I don't send her any pics or updates about him, although once in a while I post a photo on Facebook for all friends and family to see

I think more open communication is the best route to finding your way through this. Did you talk about what she felt comfortable seeing/discussing? it sounds like you just suddenly cut her out of a massive part of your life - and she got relegated to redacted tidbits. If my good/close friend did that to me i'd feel incredibly hurt and abandoned. And pretty damn insulted. It isn't your place to decide what she can and can't handle - only she can tell you that.

If you've cut her out of the loop without warning then she might be feeling that you think she isn't worth anything because she 'can't' do something which is so 'normal' for you.

If my friend and i had a chat and i'd told her i was finding it difficult hearing/seeing anything about her dc and life as a mum - then i would understand and an outburst like the above hopefully wouldn't happen.

Just talk to her. Pick up the phone. Leave a voicemail. Let her hear you say that you just don't know what to do in this situation. Let her hear you say that you're still her friend and there for her but you just feel so helpless. Let her hear you say that you thought you would be protecting her feelings by doing this but you fucked up.