To be upset by this email from friend?

[mscongeniality]

First time poster...a bit of a long one so please bear with me.

I have a good friend who I've known since primary school (we're both in our early 30's now). She lives in the US. We have a very good open friendship, able to talk about pretty much anything. She's always been very level headed and non judgemental.

I have a 16 month old DS. We were very lucky to have gotten pregnant very quickly when we started trying. She was the second person I told after I found out. She was a newly wed at the time and naturally very happy for me. A year and a bit ago she started trying for a baby...months passed and she didn't get that BFP. I would try and message her now and then to see how she was doing, and try to support her and try and say the right things. One of my very good friends here has also struggled with infertility for the past few years so sadly I do know a lot about what the struggle is like, but of course its hard to really know until you're in the situation and I totally get that. So once I realised she was struggling, I stopped bringing up my son and anything parenting related with her just in case that would upset her. I don't send her any pics or updates about him, although once in a while I post a photo on Facebook for all friends and family to see.

Last night I got a long email from her completely out of the blue. The opening line was "you asked if there's anything you can do......and there is one thing you could do, actually: Recognising that infertile people exist, and being sensitive to that."

And then she goes on to tell me "As someone who would do anything to be a mother, it is so painful to see jokey posts on facebook about "things that only moms understand" .... and then basically a rant about how its not her fault she's infertile and how she's very healthy and so on and on. It was so random and I wasn't expecting it at all, and it honestly really really upset me. I had no idea what post she was talking about so I actually had to go into my Facebook and scroll through to see. The last 'mom joke' thing I had posted was a month ago, and it was about something that I identified with a lot otherwise I never post things like that. I clarified with her if thats the post she was talking about and she said yes it was. In my eyes it was harmless and I shared it without thinking so may be that was my bad.

Anyways I'm more upset about the way she went about it, if she had just sent me a message saying 'Hi --- , there's something on my mind and I was wondering if I could talk to you about it'...would have gone down a lot better? She also admitted that she knows I didn't do it intentionally. And it was a whole month ago!

I honestly don't know if I have the right to be upset or is she allowed to vent her frustrations out on me and I have to accept it? Incidentally I showed her email to my other friend whose about to start IVF, in case I was over reacting, and she said she was very upset for me on my behalf.

Thanks for reading.

As someone who finally got dc 😍😍😍😍😍 a couple weeks ago after years and i mean years ttc these fb posts really really hurt. Ive had helpful people since message saying you a real person now! 😳 One of my friends just messaged me a post this morning saying only mums would understand, even though i have dc now i thought the post was wrong on so many levels so just ignored it but a couple of years ago i cant tell you how much that would have hurt. Sounds like shes not in a good place at the moment. Tighten up your fb so she cant see these posts or better still dont post them as they abit silly. Share them behind by pm with people who would appreciate it. Both of you are not acting unreasonably as you coming from different points of view!

I absolutely don't think for a second you should stop posting about being a Mum. Facebook is there to share pictures with friends and family of your life and you sound like you've already been more than considerate about what you do and don't share.

However, I do understand her sensitivity about one particular kind of content, which is the 'only women who are mothers will ever understand X' type stuff. The generalised nature of it - the fact that it's not one particular family having fun, but a statement about the exclusion of everybody who is childless from a certain kind of knowledge - somehow makes it a lot more hurtful, and makes you feel a lot more isolated precisely because you're not enjoying someone's love for their kids, but dealing with generalised statements about motherhood.

Also, I think infertility is something you have to be in to understand, really. If you're a veteran of it who has been able to have kids, you can remember the period of horrendous treatment and uncertainty - but it's not the same as living permanently without children, and you don't understand the loss involved in that.

BipBippadotta
not everybody In their 30's on fb has endless meme and cartoons about being mommies on their timelines ( unless i and all my friends are doing it wrong).

The op has one cartoon that's hardly about being a womderful mother on her fb and she's now rubbing it her friends face?
How is it a joke 'only a mother would understand?'
Even i find it great and i'm not a mother.
This friend has SEARCHED for the op and looked at her fb page.
Should the op just never post anything incase she offends a friend?
No. If the friend is really sensitive then maybe she shouldn't look up people's pages, or even be on fb right now.

I think she needs to manage her exposure to Facebook, not manage your use of Facebook. You are being sensitive to her but there is a limit to what is your responsibility in this issue. It's normal to be proud of your kids and share pictures of them and things that resonate with you. She is obviously hurting but talking about kids and life as a mum is normal for a mum. Continue to try to be sensitive where possible but be reassured that you haven't done anything wrong here.

I think I'm going to take this experience as a lesson for me to realise how terrible unfertility can be, and how it affects different people differently.
I will try and be even more sensitive to her pain...and hope things get better for her. I definitely do not want to lose this friendship, as it does mean a lot to me.

Thanks again.

I know she is probably being unreasonable of me to ask to not post mom jokes, but I will try my best not to post them from now on for her sake. At the end of the day I don't lose anything and if it helps her then thats good.

i hate mothers day my mums dead nothing i can do about it

i hate all the adverts cards reminders buts its life she cant live in a bubble and like u said why not say something at the time not a month later

Can you put her on restrictive? I think that stops her then from seeing anything you post.

Being a good friend means being there for her in her darkest moments. I think you're witnessing it right now. Try not to be too upset by it - what's shes going through is awful and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. She needed an outlet for the fear, frustration and anger she has. She chose you probably because as her friend you would understand that it's not personal and she needs help. If it were me I would phone her and talk to her.

sorry cant agree about not posting stuff or you'll end up not posting anything-theres always someone whose offended

ynbu But I do think your friend is lashing out because she is in pain, and you're close enough to her for her to say something. I would guess that she has seen something reccently on fb and it has triggered this reaction. She can't lash out at however has posted whatever, but she can with you because you're a close friend.

Of course, anyone can post whatever they like on Facebook. But nobody gets to dictate how other people feel about what they post.

I'd just say it's easy to be generous when you're relatively happy with your lot; it's harder to be reasonable sometimes when you're in the depths of despair, which OP's friend clearly is. She's lashing out, and will probably be embarrassed about it later.

Just put her in your acquaintances group and set your settings to close friends that way she will never see any posts unless you change your settings to friends AND acquaintances for a particular post. Easy to do and undo if needed. And no need to tread on eggshells online.

I stopped bringing up my son and anything parenting related with her just in case that would upset her

I absolutely hated this when I was going through IVF, people would avoid telling me their pregnancy announcement too, YANBU op, life goes on for you, your friend will realise that

You sound absolutely lovely, and I'm really glad you will continue to be there for her.

I think it's something about that picture in particular that is hurtful. One woman is saying to another that she's having a 'party' because she's finally been able to leave the kids at home for 'me time'. Which I'm sure anyone with young kids can relate to! But to those in despair because they can't have kids, the idea of someone saying everything is wonderful for those who have nothing but 'me time' ignores the notion that there might be women out there who really aren't having a ball in that position, and who would do anything to have kids that they then wanted a brief escape from! I think at my darkest hour, I would probably have felt pain at seeing a cartoon like that, though I probably wouldn't have emailed you to tell you. I think she must trust you a lot to do that.

I think avoiding this kind of joke in particular might be sensitive in future, BUT I don't think you should feel like you have to stop posting about being a Mum, or to stop posting pictures of your kids more generally etc. All infertile people have to get used to the idea that there are people with kids in the world!

I hope this makes sense.

I'm sorry but she had no right to react like that, no matter how hard it is for her to conceive. You have the right to post whatever you want and need to post without her lashing at you.

This is a red flag about who she is, and for you to reconsider seriously whether it is worth surrounding yourself with people like this.

Her reaction was not only unreasonable but extremely unkind, no matter what her circumstances are. If you don't stop her now, she will become the judge, the executioner, sitting on her high chair and judging everything you say, do and post. If you are prepared to keep receiving this kind of out of the blue punishment from now on, keep playing her game. If you don't want to be the victim of mind games, stay away from her and tell her clearly and without drama why.

Seriously I would just move on, keep the contact as its always been, keep the tone of your emails normal etc.

Infertility makes you angry, I know albeit secondary, "Only Mums would understand" is a bit crass but the Meme isn't malicious however when in the grief of coming to terms with infertility it would hurt.

The "only mums understand" thing is wanky and annoying but you've got a right to make yourself look like a tit on Facebook. However, now you know that it upsets her, you could customise those posts so she doesn't see them. Two seconds of your time and spare her feelings.

YANBU

I have a lot of sympathy for people struggling to conceive, I can't imagine how heart breaking it must be.

I don't have sympathy for people who take their pain out on innocent people. She was mean and selfish. I would not change the way you are on FB at all. You have done nothing wrong. It's normal for her to hurt and feel anger, it's not ok to take that out on others.

You sound really lovely and caring, I don't think I would have reacted as well as you did.

If people have sensitive issues related to babies, marriage, families etc, they shouldn't be on FB. I had issues with people bombarding me with their photos, lives, ideas etc, found it too much to take, so I deleted my account. It's a much healthier option than lashing out to every single sod who upsets me for doing what everybody else does on FB.

She is your friend and if you are a close friend I would just wait now.

Infertility is hard and it is important to create your own support network to go through it, and in the bleakest of times you see things in a way you never will again. That is why I say let her have this moment and wait, because she wont always feel that way, whether it was depression wine or the effect of fertility drugs that wrote email if she is your friend then just wait and see.

But
Motherhood also has it's ups and downs, no you wouldn't trade your baby for a good night's sleep but you know what? it doesn't mean that it isn't hard not to have a good night's sleep for weeks months sometimes even years. To have that tiredness acknowledged and validated isn't unreasonable.
When your toddler is the one who brings a supermarket to a halt with the first shriek of their tantrum you need to be able to share that because the mix of feelings it stirs up in you might just make you sink to the bottom of despair otherwise.
We are designed to share that amongst ourselves it is what keeps us sane. So as we moved away from extended family we moved into other groups in the community to share and support and commiserate and show off and Facebook is another way of sharing that, it isn't insensitive to infertile people it is a way for a family member to stay sane sometimes.
She has a right to her pain, and as her friend you can support her through that, but you have a right to your moans and groans and celebrations of your LOs ones life and to share that with those who want to be in your FB space.

I really don't think you have done anything wrong here.

I can't imagine how difficult it must be to have trouble trying to get pregnant and my heart goes out to your friend, however there was no need for her to send you a nasty message like that.

You were just the target of her frustration. Don't take it personally and don't feel like you can't say anything about your kid on facebook. Just alter your settings so that she can't see your posts, that way you don't have to tailor any of your posts to your friend, and also means your friend won't have that issue with you any longer (as much as I disagree with the issue she took with it).

Invite her round to talk it out and tell her what you have been doing to avoid upsetting her. She'll likely apologise. I hope it works out for her and she has a baby in the end.

I agree with what Yello said earlier on in this thread. YANBU re email but you are BU to use the term 'We got pregnant'...

I'd probably do two things - one, send her a card and some flowers with a nice note saying you are sorry that she is having a hard time of it, you have taken on board what she has said and hadn't recognised how heartwrenching infertility is and you are always here for a shoulder if she needs to.
two - I'd create a FB group with your mum friends/family/people who are unlikely to be offended by "mum memes" and only post them to them in future.

She is utterly in the wrong, there is no denying it, but she is in a heartbreaking place where she can't see the wood for the trees. to my mind you get to be irrational with your close friends. That is what friends are for - if you can't have your crazy moments with close friends then who can you have them with. Be patient with her - maybe don't contact her as much - let her come to you but make sure she knows you are there.

** don't admit liability or say sorry for posting things - just acknowledge maybe that you can't understand what she is going through because you haven't been there, but are there for her etc.