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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset by this email from friend?

209 replies

mscongeniality · 25/08/2016 12:44

First time poster...a bit of a long one so please bear with me.

I have a good friend who I've known since primary school (we're both in our early 30's now). She lives in the US. We have a very good open friendship, able to talk about pretty much anything. She's always been very level headed and non judgemental.

I have a 16 month old DS. We were very lucky to have gotten pregnant very quickly when we started trying. She was the second person I told after I found out. She was a newly wed at the time and naturally very happy for me. A year and a bit ago she started trying for a baby...months passed and she didn't get that BFP. I would try and message her now and then to see how she was doing, and try to support her and try and say the right things. One of my very good friends here has also struggled with infertility for the past few years so sadly I do know a lot about what the struggle is like, but of course its hard to really know until you're in the situation and I totally get that. So once I realised she was struggling, I stopped bringing up my son and anything parenting related with her just in case that would upset her. I don't send her any pics or updates about him, although once in a while I post a photo on Facebook for all friends and family to see.

Last night I got a long email from her completely out of the blue. The opening line was "you asked if there's anything you can do......and there is one thing you could do, actually: Recognising that infertile people exist, and being sensitive to that."

And then she goes on to tell me "As someone who would do anything to be a mother, it is so painful to see jokey posts on facebook about "things that only moms understand" .... and then basically a rant about how its not her fault she's infertile and how she's very healthy and so on and on. It was so random and I wasn't expecting it at all, and it honestly really really upset me. I had no idea what post she was talking about so I actually had to go into my Facebook and scroll through to see. The last 'mom joke' thing I had posted was a month ago, and it was about something that I identified with a lot otherwise I never post things like that. I clarified with her if thats the post she was talking about and she said yes it was. In my eyes it was harmless and I shared it without thinking so may be that was my bad.

Anyways I'm more upset about the way she went about it, if she had just sent me a message saying 'Hi --- , there's something on my mind and I was wondering if I could talk to you about it'...would have gone down a lot better? She also admitted that she knows I didn't do it intentionally. And it was a whole month ago!

I honestly don't know if I have the right to be upset or is she allowed to vent her frustrations out on me and I have to accept it? Incidentally I showed her email to my other friend whose about to start IVF, in case I was over reacting, and she said she was very upset for me on my behalf.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Pearlsofmadness · 25/08/2016 18:17

YANBU but you definitely need to change your privacy settings on Facebook to prevent her viewing anything else.

Unfortunately, she seems to be taking all the hurt she's feeling about TTC on you. Obviously this is unfair but she sounds like she is in a dark place at the moment.

Even if you don't post anymore 'mum' jokes, it's likely she will still look through your page and see pictures of your DC and this will still hurt her. If you minimise her exposure to anything that reminds her you're a mum then at least she can't take this out on you.

Just continue to be as supportive as possible but make sure she can't use your profile to hurt herself.

PurpleDaisies · 25/08/2016 18:17

Exactly! There are babies all over the world waiting to be adopted - Kids homes full up to the brim.

Have you ever looked into this? It's a total nightmare and again, suggesting to an infertole couple that they could just adopt is a terrible thing to do.

How about you stop using the word "barren"? It's a horrible term for those of us that can't have kids.

Cloudhopping · 25/08/2016 18:17

I don't think you're being unreasonable. However, I feel that's almost irrelevant here. Is your friend a good friend? Is this completely out of character for her? If it is I would try and see the message as a reflection of how she is rather than an attack on you( I know it's difficult). She is miserable, resentful and hurting and more than likely completely irrational. I think you have to be the unemotional one here and accept she is in a bad place. She will probably realise how badly she's tackled this in the future. This is not about you and what you have or haven't done, it's about her.

specialsubject · 25/08/2016 18:23

It isnt her fault - but its not yours either. Its not as if you sent a message saying 'i have a kid and you dont'.

We all go through bad times, while the rest of the world goes on as normal. Taking it out on the rest of the world doesnt make it better.

Sending you a nasty email doesnt help her. She should apologise , not you. And getting this upset over a facebook share??

WorzelsCornyBrows · 25/08/2016 18:24

I've been on both sides of this.

I admit I found it hard at times when we were ttc without any success, and distanced myself from some people to make life easier for myself, but I would never have asked them to not talk/post about their babies or motherhood, that's just unfair. All babies are a gift and a parent should be able to talk/post about that experience however they want, that's what the unfollow button is for.

On the flip side, when I did finally get my BFPs I was very sensitive to how it would affect someone very very close to me, who was having her own struggles. I was expected to not talk about my pregnancy or post about it on FB. I obliged because of how important she was to me. When she got her BFP, I've never seen so many posts about pregnancy/babies and it's all she could talk about, despite her having friends who were going through fertility issues. I must admit I was a bit Hmm

YANBU, but I think responding to point out her unreasonableness would be the death of your friendship. Make sure your parenty posts don't go to her and crack on with posting whatever you want. You sound as if you have tried very hard to be sensitive and hopefully one day she'll see that.

citybushisland · 25/08/2016 18:25

YANBU, a question though, when she does/if she does get pregnant and have a baby is she not going to post on FB about her happiness? Just in case it upsets someone who can't have children. You shouldn't be curtailing your happiness for someone else. FWIW I hate those meme's, and I do judge just a bit when I see them.

Andro · 25/08/2016 18:31

OP, you did nothing wrong...at all!

I'm sure your friend is in a tough place right now, but you have done as much as you reasonably can. I wish my mother had demonstrated even a fraction of your consideration when I found out that I'd never have children who were biologically my own.

mumsmyothername · 25/08/2016 18:33

Purple - I don't know what the right term is for B word, to suit you... Hate the thing, not the word. (If this woman is unable to have children - one of the cruelest things you can do is tell her NOTHING is better than YOUR own child)
I have experience of this subject - I am barren. I cannot have my own child because my body is barren. The wording, I can assure you, cannot soften this. What is the point of any discussion, when your wording is attacked. I would like to never hear the words "female genital mutilation" - but logic tells me I need these words if I am to attempt to eradicate the practise.

Notonthestairs · 25/08/2016 18:35

Been where your friend is and its a dark place. You are essentially battling your own body.

She's unreasonable and vulnerable.

I was difficult to be around whilst we were having treatment. The hormone treatment and perpetual disappointment didn't help but just the sheer bloody unfairness of it overwhelmed me.

Reading your posts makes me think you've been a good friend and will continue to be so if she'll let you. Post freely. Let her know you understand why she will want to block your feed but you care about her and that if she ever wants to talk/offload you will lend an ear - and then make sure you listen, dont offer advice or platitudes and FGS dont say any of the stuff about adoption or dogs).

mmmuffins · 25/08/2016 18:37

I dont think you two should be friends on Facebook. Whether that means actually unfriending or just putting her on limited profile, make it so she cant see ANYTHING. Then you dont have to worry about her having a go at you for simply living your life.

PurpleDaisies · 25/08/2016 19:00

mums I'm surprised that you've never come across referring to someone else as "barren" as a bad thing. It's such a loaded word. If you want to use it to describe yourself that's fine but in all my experience of infertility support no-one wants to be called barren by their friends or family.

While I agree that different wording doesn't soften the pain of infertility, being referred to by outdated terms with such negative connotations gives you something else to feel bad about.

Lonnysera · 25/08/2016 19:24

mumsmyothername I've reported your posts as being deliberately insensitive.

Lonnysera · 25/08/2016 19:25

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mumsmyothername · 25/08/2016 19:33

Purple and Lonnysera I have already said that I , in no way, meant ANY offence... although you are wrong to say I said "barren" to anyone. I spoke personally, referring to myself. I would suggest that you report yourself Lonysera for your violent remarks - I won't report you, as I believe in free speech and honest respectful debate.

PurpleDaisies · 25/08/2016 19:37

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Lonnysera · 25/08/2016 19:40

mums perhaps you had no idea how minimising, demeaning and cruelly insensitive your comments are. You do now.

Feel free to report me.

LoopiusMaximus · 25/08/2016 19:40

You done nothing wrong and have been extremely sensitive and thoughtful to your friend. I had a very close friend with fertility issues, she deleted me from her life the moment I became pregnant. It was years ago but it still hurts. It took me a long time to become pregnant myself and everyone around me was pregnant or had children and I'd been trying way before most of them but I would never feel bitter or hurt, only happiness for them.

LoopiusMaximus · 25/08/2016 19:41

*youve done

dowhatnow · 25/08/2016 19:51

I'd just say to her that obviously your child is a major part of your life and you can't not mention him on Facebook. That you wish to be as supportive as possible and will stay in touch with her but it might be best if she doesn't torture herself by checking your Facebook.
Then it's up to her.

mumsmyothername · 25/08/2016 19:57

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FantasticButtocks · 25/08/2016 19:59

I'm on page three so far but just wanted to say - she looked to see what you were up to and she knows you've had a baby so she knows what you've been up to. So she took a risk that there would be something on there she wouldn't want to see. Does she want you to pretend that you aren't a mother because she isn't? Her struggles with infertility are messing with her head and making her unreasonable.

I'd do whatever you do on FB to make sure she can't 'see what you're up to', (I think you turn her into an acquaintance) If you love her, send her something nice - a card or whatever saying something kind like 'sorry you're hurting, just sending love'

PurpleDaisies · 25/08/2016 19:59

I think a lovely little Westie would soften your bitter side...but then again...
How pathetic.

Frazzled2207 · 25/08/2016 20:03

Oh dear yanbu, she is. I am also guessing something bad has happened and she is not acting reasonably.
You could send her an email saying basically sorry I upset you, I know you've had a hard time recently but I don't think i've acted unreasonably.
Then give her some space- you can choose to not have friends see certain posts on fb (I often do this when I don't want my mother to see my posts)- it's easily done so she can still see your other posts just not the ones that you feel might be awkward.

Ultimately though she needs to sort herself out if you want the friendship to continue.

blue2014 · 25/08/2016 20:16

Mums - purple really isn't coming across as overly angry! You really need to self reflect, you are coming across terribly. You are very offence and misinformed, and several people have commented to say so. Perhaps you need to accept that you are in the wrong here.

waterrat · 25/08/2016 20:16

This thread has made me think i have probably been insensitive to friends who are struggling with infertility on Facebook

Facebook is evil because we all say and do things in a way we just wouldn't in person.

I mean...you just wouldn't make mummy in-jokes in front of everyone yoi know including people without children

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