To be upset by this email from friend?

[mscongeniality]

First time poster...a bit of a long one so please bear with me.

I have a good friend who I've known since primary school (we're both in our early 30's now). She lives in the US. We have a very good open friendship, able to talk about pretty much anything. She's always been very level headed and non judgemental.

I have a 16 month old DS. We were very lucky to have gotten pregnant very quickly when we started trying. She was the second person I told after I found out. She was a newly wed at the time and naturally very happy for me. A year and a bit ago she started trying for a baby...months passed and she didn't get that BFP. I would try and message her now and then to see how she was doing, and try to support her and try and say the right things. One of my very good friends here has also struggled with infertility for the past few years so sadly I do know a lot about what the struggle is like, but of course its hard to really know until you're in the situation and I totally get that. So once I realised she was struggling, I stopped bringing up my son and anything parenting related with her just in case that would upset her. I don't send her any pics or updates about him, although once in a while I post a photo on Facebook for all friends and family to see.

Last night I got a long email from her completely out of the blue. The opening line was "you asked if there's anything you can do......and there is one thing you could do, actually: Recognising that infertile people exist, and being sensitive to that."

And then she goes on to tell me "As someone who would do anything to be a mother, it is so painful to see jokey posts on facebook about "things that only moms understand" .... and then basically a rant about how its not her fault she's infertile and how she's very healthy and so on and on. It was so random and I wasn't expecting it at all, and it honestly really really upset me. I had no idea what post she was talking about so I actually had to go into my Facebook and scroll through to see. The last 'mom joke' thing I had posted was a month ago, and it was about something that I identified with a lot otherwise I never post things like that. I clarified with her if thats the post she was talking about and she said yes it was. In my eyes it was harmless and I shared it without thinking so may be that was my bad.

Anyways I'm more upset about the way she went about it, if she had just sent me a message saying 'Hi --- , there's something on my mind and I was wondering if I could talk to you about it'...would have gone down a lot better? She also admitted that she knows I didn't do it intentionally. And it was a whole month ago!

I honestly don't know if I have the right to be upset or is she allowed to vent her frustrations out on me and I have to accept it? Incidentally I showed her email to my other friend whose about to start IVF, in case I was over reacting, and she said she was very upset for me on my behalf.

Thanks for reading.

YANBU and of course you can and indeed should feel able to talk about your baby son. You are consciously limiting it which is also hard for you as a new mum. The post about what only mums get probably should have been restricted but hindsight is wonderful. I don't think your friend is upset at you personally. I think she is finding her situation difficult and we often lash out at those closest to us.

I'd restrict her to acquaintances on facebook. I wouldn't say something such as get in touch when you want to somebody you have been friends with for over twenty years. Perhaps drop her a short note apologising that she found your post insensitive and then take the conversation in a different direction. I wouldn't analyse it and if she chooses to continue wanting to talk about it, I'd do so only occasionally and only if you are ok being her sounding board. I think otherwise it will just end in arguments and the fading of a very old friendship.

YABU.

It sounds like you have asked her what you could do to help. I don't think it's at all unreasonable of her to tell you what you can do to help.

It must be terrible to be going through the pain of infertility or loss and see those around you celebrating what you aren't able to have. Asking people who care for you to have some empathy and sensitivity about what might be upsetting for them isn't too big an ask. She's been brave to send you this email.

Her infertility is not your fault. Nor is her resentment. One can be gentle, kind and sensitive without pandering. Which is what it sounds like she wants you to do.

I think this is it in a nutshell.

Yanbu. She has no right to ask you to sensor yourself and what you share about your life, and how you connect with others. If she does not like to see your posts, she can unfollow. Totally agree with other posters suggestion what to write to her.

Remember there is no such thing as out of the blue. Might seem like it to you, but like PurpleDaisies said there could have been a recent development/complications etc that have pushed her over the edge. Or she may have found the post upsetting when you initially shared it but managed to suppress her feelings and not say anything, but now something has happened or it's all become too much and she can't hold it in anymore. As someone who tends to ignore things for weeks and months without saying anything and then finally explodes 'out of the blue' I can tell you this probably won't be out of the blue for her. Her feeling upset and angry will probably be part of her daily life, it's just that this time you have been exposed to it.

Also after seeing the post you shared I can understand where she's coming from, as it implies that you rejoice in getting away from your children. Obviously to you this is just a harmless joke and of course you love your children, but to someone who desperately wants them and can't have them it could seem ungrateful/offensive. Obviously you should be able to post what you like but maybe be a little understanding of her feelings? As others have said you could restrict what she sees.

Thinking about it, I find it rather strange that you have been consciously limiting what you share regarding your baby, in terms of photos and the like, yet you felt ok to share that post. I would have thought the post, with what it says, was more likely to upset someone who can't have children than some pictures of your son.

Those sort of posts are, in my view, smug and unpleasant

I find this opinion very, very strange. The meme is about the difficulties of being a parent, where is the smugness?

It is good to learn about how people struggling with infertility feel, but if everyone was to censor their facebook for such finely tuned sensitivities, what would be left? I presume people who can't walk might be upset about any reference to walking, while any music posts would offend the deaf.

YADNBU and like others have said, I think your friend is just lashing out because of her own hurt. Hurt really does cause people to act irrationally.

It's a terrible situation when a person can't share perfectly reasonable aspects of their lives without worrying about offending

The issue is with the friend here. I'd say that I feel for her. I support her and love her, but my life is my own and I am not doing anything wrong/malicious or offensive generally.

I'd suggest that friend defriend me, but that if she wanted to connect again you'd be happy to have her back on FB. No hard feelings.

You know, it is possible to be infertile AND be an asshole. I eventually had my children through IVF and can't imagine giving anyone the hard time you've been given.

I think it is important to consider what her motives in sending you an email like that were. She doesn't want you to post stuff on FB? About children / motherhood / whatever? I actually find that really controlling.

Yes, change your settings so she can't see your posts on FB. And, for heaven's sake, if you want to post stuff about your kids, go ahead. That is the sort of thing FB is for.

YANBU.

She's upset, and behaving irrationally. Understandable under her circumstances maybe, but you did nothing wrong and don't be bullied by her or anyone else into thinking your perfectly every day Facebook use is the problem.

Yanbu but neither is she.

YANBU but, since you want to stay friends I suggest you go for a coffee together and then listen to her feelings. She's feeling absolutely terrible and I'd bet that she's either got PMT or just started her period which would explain the timing of her email.

Facebook can be such a miserable place when all we ever so is everyone else in the world having an amazing time non stop. She needs to come off it until she's feeling stronger. No way do you stop posting baby pics though as others have said,myou could edit her from seeing them. Others won't, though so she would be far better to stop tormenting herself.

I think she's totally unreasonable - yes infertility is a horrible painful thing to go through, but that does not give you the right to demand that your friends hide whole parts of their lives for your comfort.

If she cannot handle seeing other people with babies then she shouldn't be searching (pretty thoroughly) through your timeline to find a post to be offended by. She needs to practise self care and some understanding for her friends - you've already been more than considerate in your self moderation.

I did tell her that now I feel like I need to walk on egg shells around her, and she said that's what she wanted

Sounds very difficult.

I can see that she's in a difficult and painful place, but TBH she's an adult and she can and should refrain from being quite so unpleasant to you.

I agree with the pp who said suggest that she stops following you on FB if she can't handle it. Why should you further modify your behaviour? She can meet you halfway.

Not being funny but tell her where to go. You're allowed to post what you want on your own social media account! And the fact that she unfollowed you but then went back to look is her problem not yours. Tell her that you will share what you like and if she doesn't want to see it then don't stalk you

We suffered through more than five years of infertility, loads of tests and procedures and finally had our twins after two rounds of IVF.

So I absolutely do understand how your friend feels.

And I still think she is being selfish and unreasonable.

Infertility is very very hard.

But that doesn't mean that there aren't very very hard things about being a parent too. And I understood that even on my darkest days.

Empathy goes both ways in a friendship.

I would block her on FB for now. Just maintain a real life friendship via FaceTime, email, Whatsapp or whatever.

You're friend isn't being reasonable or fair, but she's hurting more than she can probably put into words or even explain to herself, and she's taken it out on you.
Chances are she'll feel guilty & embarrassed about it but maybe doesn't know how to approach it with you.
Infertility is cruel, hard & painful. It doesn't give any excuse for someone making you feel bad, but it's also impossible for someone not to have been through it to understand just how upset, angry & resentful it can make you feel, no matter how unreasonable you know you are being.
You sound like a good friend, I would leave things as they are to let emotions settle & then contact her as normal asking how she is, and move on.

Yes, she probably thought that confiding in you would mean a little consideration toward her (like restricting such mumsy banner-waving by using FB settings) Post a few pics of Madonna or Brad and Angela, just to inspire her - infertility needen't spell the end of her dreams of her own family!

Op's friend went onto op's pAge.
She wasn't on fb and happened to see the meme, she searched for op's page and saw it.
She unfollowed the op but still likes to then look at her page, then gets upset at something op has put on her page?
Massively unreasonable.
Op should not have to limit what she puts incase she upset someone. ( coming from someone who most likely never have kids!).

I'm assuming when she finally gets her bfp you'll be obliged to fawn and gush? Fuck that just stick her on restricted or delete her completely. You're probably more tolerant than me though.

I'm assuming when she finally gets her bfp you'll be obliged to fawn and gush?

Unfortunately that's a big "if" she gets her bfp. It doesn't happen for lots of people.

mums - I know you mean really well with that suggestion about adoption, but for many people it's actually not that helpful a thing to say 'Oh well you can still adopt'. I'm going to give an exaggerated example, but hopefully it will make it a bit clearer. It's a bit like saying to someone who has recently lost a partner 'Oh well, you can still remarry'. That is often true, but the grief for the thing that has happened needs to be gone through first, if you see what I mean.

I think OP is being wonderfully understanding and really trying with this friend, and that she deserves major props for that. There have also been some wonderful posts of caring advice. Ineededanamechange's compassionate approach on the last page was brilliant.

Post a few pics of Madonna or Brad and Angela, just to inspire her - infertility needen't spell the end of her dreams of her own family!

I would unfriend any friend that did this to me.

You haven't been unreasonable, your friend has - her reaction is disproportionate.