To be upset by this email from friend?

[mscongeniality]

First time poster...a bit of a long one so please bear with me.

I have a good friend who I've known since primary school (we're both in our early 30's now). She lives in the US. We have a very good open friendship, able to talk about pretty much anything. She's always been very level headed and non judgemental.

I have a 16 month old DS. We were very lucky to have gotten pregnant very quickly when we started trying. She was the second person I told after I found out. She was a newly wed at the time and naturally very happy for me. A year and a bit ago she started trying for a baby...months passed and she didn't get that BFP. I would try and message her now and then to see how she was doing, and try to support her and try and say the right things. One of my very good friends here has also struggled with infertility for the past few years so sadly I do know a lot about what the struggle is like, but of course its hard to really know until you're in the situation and I totally get that. So once I realised she was struggling, I stopped bringing up my son and anything parenting related with her just in case that would upset her. I don't send her any pics or updates about him, although once in a while I post a photo on Facebook for all friends and family to see.

Last night I got a long email from her completely out of the blue. The opening line was "you asked if there's anything you can do......and there is one thing you could do, actually: Recognising that infertile people exist, and being sensitive to that."

And then she goes on to tell me "As someone who would do anything to be a mother, it is so painful to see jokey posts on facebook about "things that only moms understand" .... and then basically a rant about how its not her fault she's infertile and how she's very healthy and so on and on. It was so random and I wasn't expecting it at all, and it honestly really really upset me. I had no idea what post she was talking about so I actually had to go into my Facebook and scroll through to see. The last 'mom joke' thing I had posted was a month ago, and it was about something that I identified with a lot otherwise I never post things like that. I clarified with her if thats the post she was talking about and she said yes it was. In my eyes it was harmless and I shared it without thinking so may be that was my bad.

Anyways I'm more upset about the way she went about it, if she had just sent me a message saying 'Hi --- , there's something on my mind and I was wondering if I could talk to you about it'...would have gone down a lot better? She also admitted that she knows I didn't do it intentionally. And it was a whole month ago!

I honestly don't know if I have the right to be upset or is she allowed to vent her frustrations out on me and I have to accept it? Incidentally I showed her email to my other friend whose about to start IVF, in case I was over reacting, and she said she was very upset for me on my behalf.

Thanks for reading.

That analogy just shows why it won't work- if you had got a place to do a PhD, or you just finished your PhD, then surely the place to post to your friends and family is on Facebook! It is not insensitive to mention it IMO.

I would just say that isn't realistic for you to not mention babies/being a mum again and leave it at that, it's then up to her how she responds.

Literally snorted at the PHD analogy. I think she may be in a place that no-one can reach her.
I would just drop contact for now.

She gave me this analogy; "what if someone really really wanted a PhD (she has one) and couldn't get one for whatever reason, I would try not to post anything PhD related in case it upset them".

She's being breathtakingly selfish. Sorry - that's the only way I can see it.

I suggest setting all of your posts to be shown to "friends except whatever her name is". So even when she does check through your posts, she'll never see them.

I don't think yabu at all.
( btw i thought that meme was hilarious).
It's looking like i will never have kids, that's not my friends who do have kids fault though!
They shouldn't change their fb or life just because life isn't going the way i want it too.
You've been really sympathetic,you've stopped posting what you want on your own social media site! You're more than sympathetic to her.
It's hard what she's going through, but you've been a really good friend.

She should unfollow you on FB and continue being your friend in real life.
YNBU

In her follow up email she said she had already unfollowed me on Facebook but liked to check occasionally so see what I was upto...

I'd be tightening up my security settings to she can't check up on you anymore.

Good god. I do feel for her, I really do, she's obviously hurting. I can understand how seeing parenting/mum things on facebook stings when she's going through what she is.

But really, the phd example is ridiculous. She's being ridiculous.

We all have challenges, lost parents, illness, etc in our lives, I don't think you should have to adjust what you post on your own facebook!

She's already unfollowed you and is still giving you shit about what you posted?? FFS.

I think you need to disengage. Apologise that she's hurting, but that's all you can do i think.

YANBU.

She's obviously very upset & looks to be looking for things to get upset about.

YANBU

Honestly I have sympathy for anyone struggling with infertility but it is not fair for her to expect you to post nothing about your child on fb.

She has unfollowed you already so if she wants to know what you're up to maybe she could call you.

I really wouldn't apologise any more.

Out of interest - what was she like before all of this?

I just looked at my FB post history. It's awash with pics of my dc's. It's possible that someone on my friends list struggles with infertility. It's sad if my pics upset them but I hope they'd appreciate it wasn't intentional. Her PhD analogy could be said about anything you could post. I could post a pic of a cake I made and someone who is gluten intolerant could be upset, I could post a pic of a blanket I crocheted and someone with one hand could be upset, I could post a pic of something in my garden and a friend who lives in a garden-less flat could be upset, I could post a pic of my dad and someone who lost their dad could be upset. With this in mind what would we post,say? And why end it at FB. What happens if I see my one handed friend in town while I'm holding something in both hands? Or I see my garden-less friend at the check out and I'm buying grass seed?

She's in pain and taking it out on you. Tell her about the efforts you've made to edit your life and say you don't want to hurt her but you also have your life and your baby. Sounds like you'll be ok because you are talking.

Normally, she is literally the most level headed person I know. Which is why I'm just so shocked. Clearly she is in a very bad place right now and I'm trying my best to get past this despite my hurt feelings.

Thank you for all your opinions.

Yes she is taking it out on you.
Still be her friend, but you don't need to stop posting what you want!
If she chooses to see what you're up to then she's hurting herself.
I do it occasionally, i would never text my mates saying "how dare you post this on your page"

I'm not surprised your friend is
Looking at it from her POV. You have a 16 month old and you're pregnant again.
She's still TTC, and then you're cracking jokes that only mum's would understand.
You've probably made her feel inferior.
And kicked her when she's down.

There's no doubt that your friend is suffering. You sound like you're really trying to be sensitive to her situation and the reason. But... walking on eggshells is a dangerous pastime. It doesn't do anyone any good in the long run. Yes it's easy for your friend to emotionally blackmail you in to pretending your own child doesn't exist and easy for you to enable that but it's not helping either of you and could potentially kill your friendship. Maybe it might be better if you remove her from your Facebook and keep your contact to email or calls or whatever only? Ofcourse you don't want to upset her but she has no right to determine how you use your social media accounts. Doings so not only limits your ability to communicate your absolute right to be proud of your child but it limits your family and friends' enjoyment too. It seems daft to cut them out and keep your friend connected to that platform. How on earth you communicate that to her without a huge emotional reaction I don't know, I really feel for you.

In fairness, she's acting like OP did it all ON PURPOSE. Which is ludicrous. It's Facebook!

It's not like she sent her an email with the meme!

Just to clarify, I'm not currently pregnant. Not TTC right now but this has made me feel nervous about what happens when we do decide to try for another and how that will go down with her...I really feel for her and I wish with all my heart that she gets a BFP soon.

I would definitely block her from seeing stuff. If she calls you on it, reply that since she had unfollowed you but still got upset from time to time, you had blocked her only thinking of her as you could not guarantee that something you posted completely innocently might upset her without your awareness.

Yanbu. I can't imagine how awful it must be for your friend but she can't expect her friends not to talk about their own children on their own Facebook!

YANBU. It's sounds like you ARE being sensitive but at the same time you can't put your life on hold. I'd just try and be patient with your friend.

Your cartoon - and the endless fucking parade of similar cartoons, memes etc that comprise your entire Facebook timeline if you're a woman in your 30s - is one of the reasons I've left Facebook.

To someone like me who's suffered stillbirth and multiple miscarriages and years of infertility and horrific treatments, Facebook reads like a long list of mummy in-jokes, interspersed with crowing about how blessed they are to be doing The Most Important Job in the World. I'm sure it's delightful and adds to a sense of community if you're a mother. It's irritating and alienating and painful if you can't have children.

Your friend is probably lashing out because there is nowhere she can go in her social life or the internet where she's not constantly reminded of the fact that her life has diverged from those of her peers, that she's lost common ground with her friends, and that there's a constant implication that she's not a real adult or a real woman because she is not part of the joyful and exhausting struggle of motherhood. She is going through an enormously tough time.

Sure, it's not your fault. Sure, it's annoying that she's taking it out on you. But think about whether you can afford to be the bigger person here or whether you want to escalate it on a point of principle.

How is she "escalating" it?

What do you suggest she do exactly?

YANBU.

You can't stop living your life the way you do because your friend is having this problem.
You ARE a mum and there is nothing wrong with you posting that meme.
It is not your fault that your friend cannot conceive right now.
It is sad for your friend and you have already been careful and sensitive to her feelings because she is your friend!
In the same way, she should care about you and not expect you to never post anything that relates to your life or how you feel.

I really do feel sorry for someone when they are having problems conceiving or god forbid, has miscarried a baby but it is not fair if they expect everyone to feel bad because they have children.
I guess you need to show some understanding that she did this because of her pain though OP.

YANBU! you sound absolutely lovely and considerate.

I am sorry for her suffering, but she should get out of Facebook if it hurts her. People cannot put their live on hold and tiptoe around everything, why should mothers be made ashamed of anything and feel they have to hide something! It other people problems if they get upset by your post, not yours!

Can't mention pregnancy and children because of a friend with infertility.
Can't mention holidays because you are bragging.
Can't mention family because someone has lost their close ones.
Can't mention sport or being outdoors because someone is very unwell in hospital

Being spiteful and posting something to hurt a "friend" is unacceptable. Living your own life and sharing what you like with others is completely fine.

She's very unreasonable. and the PhD analogy makes no sense - you could not post about anything in that case, because there must be someonew who does not have it, but wants.