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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset by this email from friend?

209 replies

mscongeniality · 25/08/2016 12:44

First time poster...a bit of a long one so please bear with me.

I have a good friend who I've known since primary school (we're both in our early 30's now). She lives in the US. We have a very good open friendship, able to talk about pretty much anything. She's always been very level headed and non judgemental.

I have a 16 month old DS. We were very lucky to have gotten pregnant very quickly when we started trying. She was the second person I told after I found out. She was a newly wed at the time and naturally very happy for me. A year and a bit ago she started trying for a baby...months passed and she didn't get that BFP. I would try and message her now and then to see how she was doing, and try to support her and try and say the right things. One of my very good friends here has also struggled with infertility for the past few years so sadly I do know a lot about what the struggle is like, but of course its hard to really know until you're in the situation and I totally get that. So once I realised she was struggling, I stopped bringing up my son and anything parenting related with her just in case that would upset her. I don't send her any pics or updates about him, although once in a while I post a photo on Facebook for all friends and family to see.

Last night I got a long email from her completely out of the blue. The opening line was "you asked if there's anything you can do......and there is one thing you could do, actually: Recognising that infertile people exist, and being sensitive to that."

And then she goes on to tell me "As someone who would do anything to be a mother, it is so painful to see jokey posts on facebook about "things that only moms understand" .... and then basically a rant about how its not her fault she's infertile and how she's very healthy and so on and on. It was so random and I wasn't expecting it at all, and it honestly really really upset me. I had no idea what post she was talking about so I actually had to go into my Facebook and scroll through to see. The last 'mom joke' thing I had posted was a month ago, and it was about something that I identified with a lot otherwise I never post things like that. I clarified with her if thats the post she was talking about and she said yes it was. In my eyes it was harmless and I shared it without thinking so may be that was my bad.

Anyways I'm more upset about the way she went about it, if she had just sent me a message saying 'Hi --- , there's something on my mind and I was wondering if I could talk to you about it'...would have gone down a lot better? She also admitted that she knows I didn't do it intentionally. And it was a whole month ago!

I honestly don't know if I have the right to be upset or is she allowed to vent her frustrations out on me and I have to accept it? Incidentally I showed her email to my other friend whose about to start IVF, in case I was over reacting, and she said she was very upset for me on my behalf.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
mumsmyothername · 25/08/2016 17:11

Try being less passive-aggressive? A tad more empathy? You seem to want the best of both worlds - to be an unsupportive friend, but still retain her respect. I think it would not have mattered when she raised this issue with you. As you aren't really searching for a way to limit hurting her further, more busy with whether you are right or wrong. (This is why the world cannot get along together). A simple apology, whilst using ure FB settings to avoid hurting her feelings in future. No biggy. A chance to show your "friend" that you fully support her through this difficult time - Though I suspect she will have already decided your worth as a friend.

jbee664 · 25/08/2016 17:17

you're not being unreasonable with putting what you want on your own FB, you can't think of everyone in every situation.

i am also struggling and have had 2 mc's so I do get that your friend is very sensitive to it all, some stuff is hard to see but I wouldn't have a go at anybody for it...like when I'm sat with my friends who all have kids and they say things like 'you'll understand one day when you have kids' or you wouldn't get this as you don't have any...I manage to bite my tongue1

OhAndIPaintMyselfBlue · 25/08/2016 17:19

How on earth has the OP been passive aggressive and unsupportive?

YANBU OP, your friend is being UR.

Comejointhemurder · 25/08/2016 17:24

Having seen a couple of friends go through the heartbreak of infertility I think there is something about that situation that makes people lose perspective and have odd expectations.

I also remember a thread on here by someone going through infertility offering advice to non infertile people on how to tell an infertile friend they're pregnant. Although I agree it should be approached sensitively, the post was very odd; basically saying you go to a neutral location and tell the infertile friend that you understand how devastating the news will be but you'll hold their hand through such an awful time for them and be directed by them on how you conduct yourself through your pregnancy.

I'd like a baby and to my knowledge I'm not infertile but I'm single at almost 40 and it's unlikely to ever happen for me. I'd like a partner more than I'd like a baby if I'm honest. In fact, I long for a loving relationship. If I started telling my friends I objected to seeing pictures of them and their partner or FB posts, they'd rightly think I'd lost the plot.

Not everyone gets exactly what they want in life and it hurts. But you can't expect other people who you feel have what you desperately crave; to not get on their lives and yes, post about it on FB occasionally.

Bear2014 · 25/08/2016 17:27

YANBU. It's your Facebook. As you say, it is there for you to keep in touch with people, and to post how you are feeling. If you have say 200 FB friends, you pretty much can't post anything, apart from boring, pointless posts about what you had for breakfast, without potentially upsetting someone.

You are already being as sensitive as you possibly can. If she finds FB that difficult she should come off it. This is coming from someone who also has fertility issues. We had IVF for our first child and are currently trying again after a MC earlier this year and pregnancy announcements etc are hard but you have to face them.

I bet you anything, if she does eventually conceive her feed will be littered with these memes.

mumsmyothername · 25/08/2016 17:36

Unsupportive i.e. Knows friend is sensitive about subject, and bleats on about it to all and sundry, whilst claiming to be full of sensitivity on the subject... classic passive/aggressive. ...TBF though there's plenty of kids to adopt, and a dog/and or cat would probably fullfill that "need" just as easily.

ElspethFlashman · 25/08/2016 17:37

Her attitude seems to be "never post a mummy meme even though I've unfollowed you, just in case I fancy having a sneaky peek."

I mean, FFS! Someone who has unfollowed you has no right to dictate what you post!!!

Shock
PurpleDaisies · 25/08/2016 17:39

TBF though there's plenty of kids to adopt, and a dog/and or cat would probably fullfill that "need" just as easily.

You didn't actually just wrote that did you? Are you deliberately being ridiculous? Adoption or getting a pet doesn't "just as easily" fulfil someone's desire to have a child. And you're accusing the op of being insensitive. Biscuit

Amanda89x · 25/08/2016 17:40

Yanbu, your friend is very sensitive to all things related to pregnancy and being a mum right now which is completely understandable. It's going to hurt for her, BUT unfortunately she'll never be able to fully hide away from things like this. I've been on both sides, and if it's really bothering her that much, my advice to her would be to hide all Facebook posts from mums tbh

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 25/08/2016 17:40

She has no right to dictate what you post.

When I was pregnant, SIL unfollowed me as she knew it'd be difficult for her (she was struggling with infertility; I'd gotten pregnant accidentally). It was the best solution for both of us; she didn't have to worry about seeing something that would upset her and I didn't have to spend the pregnancy tiptoeing around.

You shouldn't apologise to her for what you've posted, nor should you promise to "be more careful about what you post in the future". If she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to read it.

mumsmyothername · 25/08/2016 17:47

Well do excuse me PurpleDaisies, I thought having been through this myself personally, that I am entitled to an opinion. You may not agree with it, but, I, for one, get great solace from my cats and dogs... Who knows? She may never be lucky enough to fall pregnant!

PurpleDaisies · 25/08/2016 17:49

I do not know one infertile person (myself included) that would consider adoption or pets as fulfilling that need "just as easily". I hope to goodness you don't actually suggest that to people.

Sallystyle · 25/08/2016 17:51

Some people are so fucking thick.

Get a dog or cat. FFS.

mumsmyothername · 25/08/2016 17:53

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Iggi999 · 25/08/2016 17:54

Mumsmyothername please avoid ever saying that to anyone ever again, especially in real life when they're even more likely to call you ah insensitive twat.

FlipperSkipper · 25/08/2016 17:54

Actually in the uk there are more people wanting to adopt than there are children to adopt.

I'm infertile and a recurrent miscarriage patient and I'm fine with pregnancy announcements (although cry after about why cant it be me), scan photos and photos of people's children. The mummy memes get me though, it's like a secret in joke that I'll never be part of.

shockthemonkey · 25/08/2016 17:55

Sorry, but that PhD analogy was incredibly lame.

FlipperSkipper · 25/08/2016 17:55

BARREN?! Thanks mumsmyothername. Just when I thought your posts couldn't get any more insensitive.

Frogers · 25/08/2016 17:56

Can I just say that I think you're a fucking fabulous friend to be so supportive and accepting of her quite frankly unfair behaviour.

She's very lucky to have you! One day she will look back at it and cringe and realise she was being unfair but she will also look back and see that despite that you did what you could.

Flowers
PurpleDaisies · 25/08/2016 17:59

I don't believe anyone who has genuinely struggled with infertility would post as you do mums.

mumsmyothername · 25/08/2016 18:04

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heron98 · 25/08/2016 18:06

YANBU.

People have their own issues and it's completely wrong for them to take it out on others and to expect them to pussy foot around.

TMI perhaps, but I had a medical condition which meant I couldnt have sex. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 29. I didn't know at the time if I'd ever be able to have a partner and a child.

It doesn't mean I banished all talk of sex and families from my life. People have these things, it's a fact - and as someone who hasn't you cannot begrudge them their happiness or be jealous.

She is being very unfair to you. You are a mother, it's doubtless a huge part of who you are and you shouldn't have to hide it.

mumsmyothername · 25/08/2016 18:07

Have struggled, thanks for YOUR opinion...I appreciate it even though it differs greatly from mine.

blue2014 · 25/08/2016 18:07

OP - there is a real chance your friend has had to deal with comments like mums comments here which as you can see make this whole business extra hard!

For the record, I'm currently pregnant from IVF - I have a dog. I adore him (like to the weirdly obsessed level) he never took away the pain of not being able to conceive. Oh my other friends with dogs who are trying to adopt, well they've been waiting 3 years now. There is no easy fix to this.

As for the meme, honestly OP it would have broken my heart. You get to stage with infertility where you would sell your soul for a child. Now I know realistically kids can drive you nuts and of course your meme wasn't insensitive in itself. But infertility makes us supersensitive to everything. It's not your fault, you seem like you're doing the best you can. But it's not her fault either, she's also doing the best she can with something entirely out of her control.

mumsmyothername · 25/08/2016 18:14

I find it interesting that the term "barren" is seen by some to cause offense (none was meant) - perfectly illustrating why this woman was unable to straddle the line of causing offense towards her conceptionally-challenged friend.