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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

After work chores

150 replies

Curvey109 · 24/08/2016 19:46

I'm currently on maternity leave with our first, a DD who is 6 months old. My DH brings home the bacon and works a pretty stressful job about 1.5h away and tends to get home between 6 and 7

AIBU to ask him to do after work chores? (Cooking dinner, cleaning the bathroom, taking bins out etc). He does what I ask, albeit pretty begrudgingly, because he realises how hard looking after a baby all day is - tbh I think he just wants an easy life

I get that he's tried, but i do plenty of housework during the day and feel like he should do some when he comes home

OP posts:
TeaBelle · 24/08/2016 19:48

Personally I think that whatever tasks are left to be completed in the evening should be evenly split e,g if there are 4 tasks - bathing baby, sterilising bottles, bins and ironing, that each person should do 2 tasks

OpenMe · 24/08/2016 19:53

Yes, it's fair if you are also doing chores after dinner. My dh is ready to drop when he gets home and does his "share" at the weekend.

Tbh, for both if us, one of the best things about me being at home with dc was that we could both sit down after dinner because the bulk of the essential daily tasks had been done before he got home.

Trifleorbust · 24/08/2016 19:56

Do you believe yourself to be working (approximately) as hard as he is throughout the day? If so, why the heck shouldn't he split the rest of the necessary chores with you when he gets home?

JustMarriedBecca · 24/08/2016 19:57

I think you're being a tad unreasonable. I think it's easy to forget how tired you are when you get home at 7pm and the last thing you want to do is be nagged or given a list of chores. Your baby does nap (I would expect so you have some down time). I say this as someone who has recently finished work and is on maternity leave about to have another with a toddler. I still have time to do jobs but I do limit them and I do make my own life easier.

(1) get a cleaner
(2) re cooking: We got a slow cooker or I would throw on a one pot dish that required zero effort when she was having a nap so we had something to eat in the evening. Microwave rice.

Clearing up after dinner we shared but it's hardly a chore for him to load the dishwasher then I would empty it in the morning.

Trifleorbust · 24/08/2016 20:00

JustMarried: Yes, because the baby's nap is always 'down time'. No-one has to wash any dishes, do laundry, vacuum, mop etc. Obviously the OP should do all the housework in the evening as well Hmm

frenchknitting · 24/08/2016 20:02

Sort of NBU, but I'd re-jig things so you are both doing the bare minimum of chores during the week. I know I can't be arsed with much more than cooking or dishes after a day at work followed by bath/bedtime etc.

OpenMe · 24/08/2016 20:06

Being at home with a baby is hard work but once you get past the newborn stage it's not like being at work imo (I've done both!). At work you're working all day. At home with dc you do get time watching the soaps, mumsnetting, meeting friends for coffee during the day etc. I'm certainly not saying a working father should do nothing at home, but I do think I'd find it a bit much to be asked to do chores while my OH told me about his day in the park with dc/meeting friends for coffee.

YelloDraw · 24/08/2016 20:07

Hoe many chores are there to do in the evening?

I think you should cook dinner most of the time since you're at home, otherwise it's going to get really late by the time your DH gets home and cooks.

Cleaning the bathroom is a once a week job - so I'd leave that for be weekend when you can split jobs equitably.

Taking bins out is hardly a big chore so I wouldn't expect him to grumble at that.

Birdsgottafly · 24/08/2016 20:09

Are you BF, will the baby be put down?

How much time does your DH get with the baby?

My DD was glad of her DP taking the baby off her and being able to get on with something without interruption (she had no problem pumping).

He should pitch in, but that doesn't necessarily mean doing major housework, just taking over the baby and after dinner/preparation for the next day.

Blondieblondie · 24/08/2016 20:09

What else is left to do at night? I wouldn't expect him to clean a bathroom, or make dinner, but bathing the baby since he's been away from her all day, taking bins out, and loading the dishwasher are pretty minimal.

museumum · 24/08/2016 20:13

Our arrangement was that Dh did all the baby things in the evening as he missed him in the day and I did all the homework things for a bit of peace and quiet with the tv or radio.
We both sat down together at the same time after.

JenLindley · 24/08/2016 20:14

Being an employed person does mean you get to opt out of the normal necessities of life. Otherwise my house would have fallen down round me (I'm single). When you are an adult with a house and a family there are just certain daily grind things that need done. I especially think when a couple have a new baby they should make an agreement to just do things as they need done by whoever notices and go easy on each other because newborns are tough on everyone. No, of course he doesn't want to empty bins or wash dishes or whatever, does he think you do?? No-one wants to do that crap, especially after a long day (at work or at home with a small baby) but it's just shit that needs done so suck it up and do it with no whinges get lien the fully grown adult you are. Or whinge if you like but just sodding do it.

Crisscrosscranky · 24/08/2016 20:21

YABU depending on how many jobs need to be completed. If I've been at home all day (annual leave/even working from home) I can do enough that the only job in the evening is cooking dinner and washing up- I don't call them chores though- just daily jobs!

I work FT and DH works away during the week so all the chores are mine. He gets bin duty (Monday morning), cutting the grass and weekend dishwasher duty!

Original poster
Curvey109 · 24/08/2016 20:25

Thanks for the replies

I'm BF, but she doesn't nap much

The split tends to be:

Him
-
Makes me breakfast in bed (toast+tea)
Change morning nappy
Empty dishwasher

Then after work:
Bath DD
Cook dinner
Clean up (plates, kitchen surfaces, load dishwasher etc)
Bins out
Occasionally helping with cleaning bathroom, hanging. Laundry etc, but 9/10 times these are done by me

The rest I do, so cleaning house, finances, shopping, keeping baby alive etc

OP posts:
Crisscrosscranky · 24/08/2016 20:28

Based on your list YAB massively U. Hmm

Bertieboo1 · 24/08/2016 20:30

I would say your DH is doing a lot already, certainly more than anyone I know's partner (mine included). Deffo agree with the advice to leave majority of tasks to the weekend to split evenly.

I now feel hard done by as I have never had breakfast in bed Brew

phillipp · 24/08/2016 20:30

Honestly, as a mum who has worked and been a sahm. I think Yabu.

Especially with the list you have given.

Original poster
Curvey109 · 24/08/2016 20:32

Fair enough... I will have to make sure he never sees this and get away with it for as long as I can!

OP posts:
oldlaundbooth · 24/08/2016 20:33

He's doing too much.

He should be washing up and bins out, that's about it. Maybe some laundry folding once a week.

oldlaundbooth · 24/08/2016 20:33

I want breakfast in bed now, actually.

Trifleorbust · 24/08/2016 20:35

He does a lot for a full-time working parent.

What does your day look like?

RainbowSeaMoss · 24/08/2016 20:38

I think YABU to expect him to do so much in the evening.

When I was on Mat leave (DH in a stressful job with long commute) I did whatever cleaning I could during the day (baby's mood permitting), it doesn't take long to wipe down kitchen and bathrooms, run the hoover round and tidy up as you go along. I also prepared dinner, even if it was just frozen veg and microwave rice with a tin of tuna. DH did bins and sorted dishwasher. I didn't expect him to do anything in the mornings, apart from watch baby for 20mins while I showered and dressed.

Do you take turns making each other breakfast in bed, take turns to cook etc?

Being at home with a baby is the hardest thing I've ever done, but work can be draining too and if you're at home all day I think you should do the brunt of meal prep and housework, saving bigger jobs for weekend when you can split them.

cheminotte · 24/08/2016 20:38

I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I expect you are feeding baby while he is making dinner and/or tidying up.
Presume bins out isn't daily.
Are you planning to go back to work, if so it's good for him not to get used to you doing everything during the day.

Blondieblondie · 24/08/2016 20:40

He's a keeper and I think YABU

foreverandalways · 24/08/2016 20:40

There should be nothing left for him to have to do after a full day at work.......you should now be in a routine so as all daily chores are completed by a certain time and dinner etc should be ready for him.....can you. It take the bins out yourself etc.....perhaps if there wasn't a list of chores for him to do for example then maybe he would want to help you instead of you expecting him to......I understand it's a partnership but still, he is working long hours and maybe dreads going home to have to start work as such all over again.....just a thought...I am sure you will both work it out somehow...

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