Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

After work chores

150 replies

Curvey109 · 24/08/2016 19:46

I'm currently on maternity leave with our first, a DD who is 6 months old. My DH brings home the bacon and works a pretty stressful job about 1.5h away and tends to get home between 6 and 7

AIBU to ask him to do after work chores? (Cooking dinner, cleaning the bathroom, taking bins out etc). He does what I ask, albeit pretty begrudgingly, because he realises how hard looking after a baby all day is - tbh I think he just wants an easy life

I get that he's tried, but i do plenty of housework during the day and feel like he should do some when he comes home

OP posts:
MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 24/08/2016 21:20

I agree with museumum.
I have a very clingy breastfed baby and I'm just glad of time where I can get on with something. For my sanity, I try and get out in the day so try and get things done at night if I can, so let DP play with DC1 and baby if she's not attached to me all night.

eggyface · 24/08/2016 21:20

Good Lord on my first maternity leave I could do literally nothing but hold and soothe the baby. Proper full on reflux meant that he didn't sleep at all - only in the sling when I was walking and in 45 minute bursts at night. Even with a cleaner I could not have done all DH's washing, etc. We shopped at the weekend and one of us cooked when he got home and I'd do a general tidy at the weekend. I imagine it completely depends on how much sleep you get and how high need your baby is, in the day.

Fwiw being back at work is less emotionally and physically demanding and my 2nd may leave was easier even with a toddler too. Even so I wouldn't have spent the day cleaning the house or cooking dinners. The time was assigned to the children - playing, reading, going out - which I thought was as it should be.

totalrecall1 · 24/08/2016 21:21

It's way too much. I am amazed he has the energy to cook dinner after a full day at work and that commute. You are a lucky woman.

phillipp · 24/08/2016 21:21

And I think if a woman posted

' dh is a sahp. I work full time with a 3 hour commute. When I get home dh expects me to cook dinner, bath baby, clean the bathroom, clear the kitchen. I make him breakfast in bed everyday and sort the baby first thing. I am starting to feel resentful of doing so much'

People would say Yanbu.

JenLindley · 24/08/2016 21:35

I am amazed he has the energy to cook dinner after a full day at work and that commute. You are a lucky woman.

Ahhh come on now, you're taking the piss now!

RumbleMum · 24/08/2016 21:44

I think this kind of thing is really difficult to judge. People tend to answer based on the experiences with their own babies, and daily life with a high-maintenance screamer who doesn't sleep will be completely different to an easy baby which has regular long naps.

How much downtime do you both get? I subscribe to the equal leisure time/sitting down at the same time rule - it doesn't matter who does what as long as you both get equal time to unwind.

On maternity leave I did as much as I could on that particular day and DH and I split what was left. We left as much as possible to the weekend and just accepted life is tricky and hard work with a baby, for both parents.

frenchknitting · 24/08/2016 21:50

I initially said YWBU, but I think people are being a bit harsh now. It's not unreasonable to expect someone to cook dinner after getting home from work - otherwise there would be a lot of hungry people in households where both parents work.

However, the fact that he does what seems like a decent amount, and you are still doing a lot too makes me think either your standards are sky high, or you are making quite hard work of the stuff you are doing.

Having said that, I found 6 months to be the absolutely worst bit of the baby stage. I felt like I spent the whole day cooking and pureeing butternut squash, just to clean up after it was then thrown up all over me. I tried to do as much as possible during the day, but DH would often get home and immediately set about hanging up wet washing, cook dinner, sweep the floors, etc. The early-baby stage of being able to bake cakes and have dinner on the table was long gone by 6 months for me.

CheshireChat · 24/08/2016 22:01

I think it depends a lot on the baby, DS refused to be put down, left alone or anything like a jumperoo more than 10 min. He also woke up during the night at around that age so at least sometimes I slept when he slept. And prepping the veg is cooking so that sounds OK if he's not dead tired.

CheshireChat · 24/08/2016 22:10

I think it's not too bad for your DH, maybe try doing the odd thing while he's bathing your DD as it's not really downtime at that point.

WamBamThankYouMaam · 24/08/2016 22:27

If my husband were home all day and I was having to come home from work and cook dinner I'd be bloody livid tbh.

SeafrontDreams · 24/08/2016 22:32

I don't think YABU but I'm judging that by my own non sleeping 6 month old. I do all the nights, she will only nap on me, the buggy or sling and wakes up every 1-2 hours during the night. I'm exhausted and if my DH didn't muck in when he got home, my house would be a serious health risk and no one would eat. He tells me frequently he has it much easier than me. I would be ragey if he plonked himself down on the sofa every night and watched me run around trying to complete all the chores and cook his dinner.

user1471428758 · 24/08/2016 22:40

Wow, god, he sounds like a saint and you sound lazy. What do you do all day that there's still all that for the poor man to do after a full day at work and a three hour commute?!

fleur34 · 24/08/2016 22:42

Ditto to what philipp said above - can you imagine the responses if a man had written this?!

OP you are lucky - just don't push your luck too far I would say! It's not good to take advantage of your partner - share things equally - you'll have a much happier life in the long run

Audreyhelp · 24/08/2016 22:49

Oh come on he does far too much . Sorry surely you get time do this in the day you have one baby feel sorry for him.

witsender · 24/08/2016 22:56

What do single people do? Do they not have to cook themselves food after work? Or do they all eat takeaways every night?

He sounds great, but hardly put upon.

I don't think the bathroom needs cleaning. Day to day stuff can be done as you go, during the day. When he baths the baby you cook dinner and have a quick tidy round. Put baby to bed, you both eat, you both chill. Share 'bigger' jobs at the weekend.

I would hardly count putting the bins out as a 'chore', it takes all of 30 seconds.

witsender · 24/08/2016 22:57

Daily! I don't think the bathroom needs cleaning daily. Not ever.

Breadwidow · 24/08/2016 23:24

I would like to respond as a working parent with a SAHD as partner (I've been back at work since DD was 7 months, she's now nearly 2 and we have a 4.5 year old DS too). From my point of view you are verging on being pretty unreasonable esp if your husband also gets woken at night, though I guess he doesn't deal with your DD in the night as you BF. When I returned to work I was barley holding it together due to still feeding at night, co sleeping saved me, so actually a fairer comparison is your situ now with my situ now where we both get more sleep. My husband cooks dinner almost always, we kinda share the kitchen tidying post dinner though he does it more (if kids still wide awake we both do it before their bath, if not I bath them and he tidies), I get DD to bed and he gets DS to bed (though sometimes I do both at same time but often this doesn't work). I often deal with laundry in week nights, I do most of this task despite working. If bins need taking out we kinda split it, though I guess DH does it more in the eves but as we live in a flat I usually take any rubbish down to the communal bins when I leave for work. We don't do other cleaning or chores on weekday nights - sometimes DH does stuff in the week if DD naps well and he can but usually we have to clean at weekends and we pretty much split it (if I'm lucky he'll clean entire flat while I spend time with kids, usualky taking them out so he can do it in peace). Now on balance it sounds like I'm doing about the same as your DH (though I'm not quite sure what he does at weekends), and I know that I do a hell of a lot more than many working fathers, our household has a much more equal gender split of chores than any of my friends where the mum is on Mat leave or working PT. I'm not saying that women should tolerate lazy men or the more usual split at all, but wanted to offer context. Overall I'd say that considering the time me and DH have I do my fair share and I think he'd agree, because it sounds like your are expecting your DH to do more than that I think you are verging on unreasonable (though if he never cleans at weekends you may have a point ok that front, but I would not expecting him to clean in the week).

phillipp · 25/08/2016 06:04

What do single people do? Do they not have to cook themselves food after work? Or do they all eat takeaways every night?

again why does that matter?

When I was single and child free I went to the gym every night and ate whatever was in. Could have been a sandwich, could have been a full meal. Depends on how I feel. I don't spend my evenings going to the gym and getting in at 9pm since I had kids.

I don't get why people keep comparing the situation to being. Single or a single parent. And can't help wondering why those people aren't saying to the op 'if you were single you would have to do it all'.

KoalaDownUnder · 25/08/2016 06:27

Comparisons to being single are irrelevant.

Taking gender out of it: I do think the SAHP should be organising dinner, at least. I'd be pissed off if I came home from a full day at work and a long commute, and the person who had been around the house all day hadn't bunged a casserole in the oven.

I also think he does a lot. Cooking dinner and bathing the baby, every night?

Breakfast in bed every day = a bit princessy. (Braces self.)

Amelie10 · 25/08/2016 06:42

Yabu and tbh sound like a lazy lump. He still comes home and cooks dinner? You might as well work and provide more in that way As he seems to be doing a lot of the daily grind on his own.

Original poster
Curvey109 · 25/08/2016 07:08

Thanks for your replies - Interesting to see the different views...

I spoke to my DH at length and his view was:

  • nothing re DD was a chore, as he doesn't get to see her much in the week
  • he likes making me toast in the morning as I'm up several times in the night with DD
  • the rest is swings and roundabouts, we both do a fair amount and he doesn't mind... Whatever works for both parties I guess...!
OP posts:
Audreyhelp · 25/08/2016 07:09

Surely you just empty the bin when it needs it?
No relevance to if he was single he's not I actually feel he is not getting much of a life at the moment .

Poor man for goodness sake I am sure at some point the baby sleeps that's when you get on stop being such a princess.

junebirthdaygirl · 25/08/2016 07:23

The one thing l would change is the dinner. If l came in at that time it would mean l would have far more energy for later tasks if l could eat straight away. I don't do well on hunger. Dh could cook at weekends. I was at home mom at various stages and dh would always row in straight after dinner until kids3 were in bed and house restored to normal but l did dinners on weekdays.

Highlandfling80 · 25/08/2016 07:30

If you are both happy that yanbu. Sleep deprivation us awful and you are lucky your dh appreciates this.
My dh literally dies nothing in the evenings during the week. Well apart from sorting food for himself and making a mess. I do resent it but his health has deteriorated recently so I can't complain.
However, I still remember a difficult period at 3 months where I was literally on my knees. Dd3 was awake for hours at a time. The 2. Primary aged dds had Plays and parties etc as it was the run up to Christmas. I asked for help and he refused. Basically saying as he was at work all day and had a long commute he needed his sleep. TBH I don't think our relationship has recovered.
Conversely now he works locally his health is the excuse.

cherryplumbanana · 25/08/2016 07:53

wow, your DH sounds lovely.

To answer your original question, yes YABU. You later wrote that he doesn't mind, so there are no issue there, but otherwise I do think it's really U to expect him to cook diner.