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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

After work chores

150 replies

Curvey109 · 24/08/2016 19:46

I'm currently on maternity leave with our first, a DD who is 6 months old. My DH brings home the bacon and works a pretty stressful job about 1.5h away and tends to get home between 6 and 7

AIBU to ask him to do after work chores? (Cooking dinner, cleaning the bathroom, taking bins out etc). He does what I ask, albeit pretty begrudgingly, because he realises how hard looking after a baby all day is - tbh I think he just wants an easy life

I get that he's tried, but i do plenty of housework during the day and feel like he should do some when he comes home

OP posts:
user1471428758 · 25/08/2016 07:57

Yeah exactly cherry, the OP said he "doesn't mind" but hasn't actually said what she does all day that he still has all these jobs to do when he gets in. She can't be doing that much!

What do you do all day?

Owlytellsmesecrets · 25/08/2016 07:58

I think you are being VVVVVVVVVU!!!

This is from a SAHM to 3 DC with age gaps of 2 years and 20 months and middle DC is disabled and bloody hard work as he doesn't sleep.

My DH leaves at 7:30 and home at 6:30 in V stressful job.
When DC were little he would walk in and be handed a baby especially DC 2 severe reflux screamed all day and DC 3 dairy intolerance.

He has his jobs at the weekend... Clean out the fish and Saturday night is Steak night so he cooks.

I do all the paperwork, Dr's appointments, hospital visits (we have at least 1 per week) I do Kuk Sool with kids at 6pm twice a week and ballet once.

Now DH comes home plays with DC goes to Gym Shed and has a work out... Puts DC3 to bed now 5 and I put Disabled DC2 to bed now aged 7 ... It's not often he changes DC 2's nappy as I am his carer.

DH has stressful job, I am housewife and sometimes have stressful days, but mainly easy.
Get most of the big cleans done at the weekend when DH has time to enjoy DH. It's a lovely break getting time to clean in peace!

Original poster
Curvey109 · 25/08/2016 08:10

Damn... You lot are harsh..

Ok here's the deal

  1. This is what you lot call a "reverse" I think... After watching the Olympics I fancied someone hanging a medal around my neck for cooking dinner ...
  1. In fairness to my wife, I've over embellished what I do vs what she does...
  1. Calm down and support each other... Stop calling people princesses etc...
  1. From a male perspective... I think you lot need to take more credit for what you do... Just because I work hard doesn't mean I can't make dinner and clean up .... Looking after a child is hard work...

PEACE AND LOVE!

OP posts:
KoalaDownUnder · 25/08/2016 08:15

Oh, ffs.

Well, that was pointless, wasn't it? Why 'embellish' if you want useful answers?

And frankly, I'll call someone a 'princess' if I want to. Supporting other women does not mean blindly agreeing with everything they think / do. Some women are princessy, some men are twats.

Hth. Hmm

Troika · 25/08/2016 08:21

Dp
Makes me a cup of tea in the morning
Leaves for work at 630
Entertains baby for a bit when he gets home so I can get on with stuff
Sometimes holds her for an hour in the night when I'm about to lose the plot (hourly wake ups for the past 12 weeks)
Does the garden
Does car related stuff
Does the finances (apart from tax credits which is my responsibility)
Takes ds to football training/matches (unless he's at work)
Does diy
Does most of the driving
Helps with the dishwasher a couple of times a week
Tidies round once or twice a week
Hoovers occasionally (usually when people are coming to visit)
Puts baby to bed about 4 nights a week (I often get her ready, feed her etc)

Older dc (are meant to)
Put their own clean washing away
Put dirty clothes in basket
Tidy bedrooms
Help unload dishwasher
Help clear table

I do
All cleaning
All laundry
All cooking
Most of the tidying/hoovering
Stripping/making beds
Make all the packed lunches
Take dd1 to her activities
All of the night wakings unless I'm about to lose the plot then dp takes her for an hour
Most of the childcare

Tbh although we ate stuck in the 1950s it works mostly pretty well. I get resentful sometimes when dp comes home and goes for a nap or switches on TV instead of mucking in with what needs doing. But it depends on whether I am rushing around like a blue arsed fly because I've been out having a lovely day or because baby has been a nightmare and I haven't been able to do anything as to whether I am justified in my pissed off ness.

We're very different too, he likes to relax then get on with stuff whereas I prefer to get everything done then relax. I hate leaving stuff for tomorrow/later, he thinks it doesn't matter.

Most of the time as long as he has the baby for a bit so I can get on I'm happy

Troika · 25/08/2016 08:22

Oh. Cross post. Never mind

phillipp · 25/08/2016 08:26

It's not a reverse. It's total bollocks is what it is. Because you have embellished.

If you happy and your wife is happy, get a grip and get on with it.

phillipp · 25/08/2016 08:28

And you are a acting like a bit of a twat for this

From a male perspective... I think you lot need to take more credit for what you do... Just because I work hard doesn't mean I can't make dinner and clean up .... Looking after a child is hard work...

I don't need anyone to tell me how to view myself or what I do.

Sounds like you are still looking for a medal

heron98 · 25/08/2016 08:32

I think YABVU actually.

If you're the one at home you should be doing most of the chores. I think it's a bit unfair to ask him to cook dinner after he's been at work all day.

Troika · 25/08/2016 08:35

Agree philipp.
Bit gutted I spent time typing all that out.
Although I do feel I should have been more specific on my list; 'all the cleaning' makes for a short list! And I also do shopping, bins, school runs which I didn't include.

witsender · 25/08/2016 08:40

I hate this whole patronising "from a male perspective bollocks". You are not telling me anything new, just because you have a willy.

Back to a previous poster, my comment about single people cooking was in relation to all the posters commenting that the man could not possibly...shock horror...COOK DINNER...when he got home from having been at work. Which the majority of the world manage perfectly well. But once a man gets a wife/has kids it suddenly gets harder it seems.

Breadwidow · 25/08/2016 08:41

Am confused now, did the OP just get her DH to comment or was it DH all the time, trying to get evidence his wife's demands were U?

Overall though, she has a sweet deal and should enjoy it before she goes back to work and / or has another DC, she'll look back then and see how good she had it!

TheWitTank · 25/08/2016 08:46

That's not a reverse. Its a load of bollocks. What a pointless read of 4 pages. Are you bored or needing a hobby? Hmm

HeadDreamer · 25/08/2016 09:02

Personally I didn't ask on either maternity leave, after the first month. Looking after a baby is a walk in the park compared to having to go out to a full day's work and then having to do these chores still. Get used to it.

That said, he'll need to pull his weight too if you do intend to go back to work. Otherwise he'll be in for a shock. The laundry, the cleaning and the bins etc don't clean themselves and still needs to be done.

HeadDreamer · 25/08/2016 09:03

Also, looking after a baby is a walk in the park compared to a toddler.

Original poster
Curvey109 · 25/08/2016 09:09

My wife knows nothing about this.... And yes I do need a hobby
Sorry for wasting your time!

OP posts:
Cocklodger · 25/08/2016 09:13

Well that was a waste of time.
1/10.

goingtotown · 25/08/2016 09:17

YABU, he's been at work & had a I.5 hour journey home. Put yourself in his position would you cook dinner, clean the bathroom etc when you got home from work while he's been at home with baby. What are you doing while he's doing the chores. Maybe he'd like to spend time with baby.

Mojito7 · 25/08/2016 09:22

Confused I'm starting to think half of the threads on AIBU are started by men who need to justify their behaviour or "test the water" of opinion about something.

Oysterbabe · 25/08/2016 09:29

Christ what a prick.

goingtotown · 25/08/2016 10:17

Mojito7 100% agree.

RB68 · 25/08/2016 10:32

I don't think you are being U but I would say that probably I would alternate cooking and clean up after dinner between you or do together. The cleaning of the rest of the house shouldn't be happening every day, nor does bin sorting, nor really does finances so I would split the dinner and washing up and then it is a bit fairer. I would also try some different approaches to dinner such as a slow cooker which takes much of the perceived massive effort out of it

limon · 25/08/2016 11:05

You should split then 50/50 but you shouldn't be asking him to do household cleaning that you can do during the day

Audreyhelp · 25/08/2016 14:25

Shouldn't the husband have left for work when he wrote this ? I think this was a made up thread waste of everyone's time.

CurlyWurly09 · 25/08/2016 20:12

Sorry but I think YABU. He must be exhausted. I know it's hard and tiring looking after a baby but you already said he has a stressful job plus the traveling time. My DP works 5 mins down the road but he's on his feet non stop all day. I would not expect him to come home and do a list of chores that long especially as he gets up in the morning with the baby too and makes your breakfast!
Why do you not clean up after dinner? He comes in and cooks it along with all the other jobs you've given him. I'd be encouraging him to spend time with the baby and using that time to cook/clean up (one of those jobs each is fair), and doing the rest of the evening chores.