After work chores

[Curvey109]

I'm currently on maternity leave with our first, a DD who is 6 months old. My DH brings home the bacon and works a pretty stressful job about 1.5h away and tends to get home between 6 and 7

AIBU to ask him to do after work chores? (Cooking dinner, cleaning the bathroom, taking bins out etc). He does what I ask, albeit pretty begrudgingly, because he realises how hard looking after a baby all day is - tbh I think he just wants an easy life

I get that he's tried, but i do plenty of housework during the day and feel like he should do some when he comes home

I think you are BU - are you honestly attached to your baby for the full 8/9 hours your DH is out at work? I appreciate I had a very 'easy' baby in that he slept 7pm-6am with two long naps each day and I could happily leave him in his play pen - but my life was a piece of piss compared to my DH's when I was a SAHM.

And just how much housework do you generate? I rarely spend more than 30 mins a day on housework, including cooking. I am back at work now (only part time) but I work a 10 hour day (NMW for only 7 hours) and I hate coming in at night and having to cook the meal etc. If my DH was at home I would be hoping he had prepared a meal and done the housework.

I make dd's meals and clean up (early baby led weaning mess), entertain her, nappies, bf etc. We go out to classes 2 or 3 times a week. Do the food shopping, pay bills, converse with tradesmen (we're fixing our house up).

DH baths DD, that's his time with her, he enjoys it. I feed her to sleep. Overnight she's up 2 or 3 times and I deal with her.

After DD is in bed i hoover and mop floors as needed, clean bathroom/kitchen as necessary, do laundry, cook dinner 1 or 2 nights a week (when dh cooks i have laid out ingredients/prepared veg etc most of the time).

I don't watch any tv during the day, she's pretty high maintenance and won't be put down a lot of the time. She naps usually twice a day but one will be in the buggy while i walk her around the park.

I deal with all of our life logistics, finances etc. He wouldn't think to do chores unless he's asked, but he's really good at doing them with minimal moaning and is a considerate husband and dad.

Foreverandalways: Don't be so ridiculous. There are always evening chores even in households where there isn't a 6 month old baby. If you cook dinner, someone has to wash up and put away dishes (and cook for that matter). Bins get full at different times depending on who is using them and for what.

Putting bins out, emptying the dishwasher/washing machine, putting clothes away, etc - YANBU

Cooking dinner, cleaning the bathroom - YABU; these aren't jobs you do after working all day in a stressful job, commuting for 3 hours and getting in roughly 3-4 hours before bedtime.

OP, as I said I do think he does a lot, but please try to ignore all the posters implying that his work day makes him Atlas, holding up the world while you potter about doing fuck all. It is not incumbent upon you to make sure he never has to lift a finger, just to do what you can do in the course of a day like everyone else.

Sorry but based on your list you are being unreasonable

Based on the list YABU.

I think you are being a tad unreasonable.....

Why don't you cook while he's bathing DD? Tbh I don't think it matters particularly who does what in the evening as long as you both finish and sit down at the same time.

I'll tell you how we worked it. It may not help. But both me and dh have been the sahp and it worked for us. Maybe not for you.

The sahp did the jobs that needed doing everyday. Including making dinner. Like clearing up after lunch, feeding the baby, quick Hoover, dusting, 1-2 loads of washing.

When the wohp got home they were on baby duty. To spend time with the baby. While the sahp finished dinner, put laundry away etc. Which was a welcomed break. Then we would eat dinner.

Bath times were shared as we both enjoyed doing it.

All the big jobs, like a full bathroom clean were done on a weekend between us. Usually Friday night or Saturday morning depending on weekend plans.

Basically the sahp did as much as they could so evening and weekends were family time and fairly relaxing for everyone.

Tbh I wouldn't have been happy after being at work all day, travelling 3 hours then starting dinner. I don't think dh would have been either.

We also have a rule which ever one cooks, the other clears up after.

This wasn't set in stone, but generally how it worked.

I really think it might be worth having a sit down with your DH and making a list of who does what.
It really sounds like he is doing a LOT and if I was him I would probably start to feel resentful pretty quick!

I think some of the problem is you can get wrapped up in how much you do at home during the day and feel a bit resentful when he gets in that you have done everything in the house/with baby yourself but you have to try and remember he has done a full day's work, made you breakfast in bed, changed baby first thing etc etc.

My feeling is, you've both been working all day and the jobs that are remaining after he gets in should be shared so you both get equal down time.

Anything else is likely to breed resentment!

Cooking dinner, cleaning the bathroom - YABU; these aren't jobs you do after working all day in a stressful job, commuting for 3 hours and getting in roughly 3-4 hours before bedtime.

^
This

YABU

The last thing I would want to do when I got home is cook dinner and clean the bathroom.

DH works really long hours and I work PT. I do the blulk of the everyday stuff like cleaning and laundry. I just wouldn't feel it was fair to sit about when I'm at home and then chuck him a mop and a to do list after 10 hour day at work. When he gets back he helps with dinner and cleaning up then we have time together as a family. Weekends and holidays are 50/50.

Yabu.

He is working a stressful job and a theee hour commute. You should make his dinner! The other things can stay, but seriously he must be starving!

He does a lot for a full-time working parent.

Who do you think does all that and the rest in single parent households? A lot? Rubbish.

Aside from making his partner (who is feeding his child) breakfast he is just taking care of his child and home and feeding his family. Honestly if this was a woman no-one would bat an eyelid at that list. It's the least that would be expected.

1 morning nappy change, (morning time with his child before he goes to work) emptying a dishwasher (3 minute job), cooking dinner for himself and his partner and emptying a bin (another 3 minute job)

I'm actually in shock at people saying he is doing too much.

Wow OP - he brings you breakfast in bed, makes dinner every night, cleans away, baths the baby and other jobs! I had 4 and the most DH would do is an occasional nappy or bath - if I asked. You've got a good one there!

Wow. Just reading his list I think he is doing too much, and I work part time. Cleaning up from dinner, bathing/playing with baby (that's a fun chore) and taking the bins out and maybe a quick tidy up would be all I expected. Crock pot or extremely simple meals.

Although housework is drudgery (to me) most of it is non pressing and can wait until the next day, or even the day after that. If he starts to complain though (no gourmet meals, no sparkling house) then let him have at it.

Jen, I do think making dinner most nights and cleaning up, plus bathing the baby and the other chores, is a lot when someone has been in work all day and commuted three hours. I did say it depends on how much his partner is doing - I certainly don't think he should be coming in and putting his feet up while she carries on working late into the evening.

And yes, a single parent would do more, but he isn't a single parent.

When I was on maternity I did dinner and kept the house nice. He did bins and dishes max. We share now I'm back at work. YABVU

Maybe I'm just used to getting it done but I've done the 90 minute each way commute as a lone parent of two under 4 and this shit just gets done. If I don't do it the house falls apart, imagine if I said "I do too much" because i had to change my baby's nappy, cook dinner, empty the bins and dishwasher and bath my kids? I genuinely do not believe its too much. I think those are part and parcel of daily life with kids and if it's too much for him to do then it's too much for OP as a breastfeeding mother of a 6 month old to do too. But it's not too much. I really am shocked at the responses here.

Fuck maybe I'll kick back a few evenings a week then and not bother with this stuff as it's clearly too much.

Totally, Jen, he should definitely be doing some of that, and it depends how much his wife does in the day as to how much.

Who do you think does all that and the rest in single parent households? A lot? Rubbish.

But he isn't a single parent. Whilst being s single parents is unbelievably hard. It's not the same situation so can't compare.

If the op was a single parent, she would maybe having to look at returning to work very soon and would have to do it all herself too.

Wtf? Getting home between 6-7 is incredibly early, I've never had a job that easy. He has a tonne of time to do house jobs and have some free time and still get in bed for 10/11. It does depend a lot how easy/difficult your child is (I am sending this from my 3 yr old's room as apparently tonight he has hysterics if I try to leave his room, have been with him nonstop since 6am). It also depends a bit on whether you fill your day with actually looking after and developing your child or whether you ignore them a lot as many do. And on whether your DH has a busy/stressful job or an easy one. I've had 3 City jobs and all were much less stressful/tiring than being sahm. One thing I would say, is never ask anyone to do anything for at least 15 mins after they've come home. It's just a thing, like asking for stuff before breakfast. And bathrooms can wait until weekend, evenings are just for daily jobs.