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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby shower - shit friend

246 replies

Captainkanga · 24/08/2016 18:03

My dislike of baby showers is well known amongst my friends. For multiple reasons that I don't want to get into I would rather wait until the baby has arrived and then take gifts and celebrate the new arrival. On all occasions I've been invited to them I politely decline and send my well wishes - they're not my cup of tea but I hope the mother to be has a wonderful afternoon etc. Never an issue.

Today a close friend has emailed me with a list of dates to decide which one would be most suitable to hold our mutual friends baby shower on, so i replied stating that you're aware they're not my thing, but it's lovely of you to arrange one for her and that she's sure to have a great time.

She's emailed back the following;

"Captainkanga are you actually serious? Fair enough that you don't want a baby shower but I can't believe you're not even going to contribute or show your face at this one!! We would have arranged one for you so why can't you do the same for friend?! You're going to make it so awkward for the rest of us and it looks like you're attention seeking by making a point of not coming. I can't believe you're being this selfish!"

I'm so annoyed! I wouldn't expect a friend to do something they're uncomfortable with/ didn't believe in for me, so why on earth should I be guilted into contributing and attending this bloody baby shower?!

I've replied "as you know they're not something I agree with, but I hope you have a great time and friend will be so pleased you've held one for her" but the urge to type " JUST FUCKING FUCK OFF YOU GRABBY COW" Was a strong one.

I'm going to silently seethe and ignore any argumentative replies she sends me, but surely I can't be the only one who feels like this? I really don't give a shit if this outs me, I'm so annoyed right now!

OP posts:
SheDoneAlreadyDoneHadHerses · 24/08/2016 18:06

I'm with you, I'm not keen on them. I'd rather do the hard work (and make sure the baby's here and safe. I have mild health anxiety though) before I get any kind of present.

YNBU.

GashleyCrumbTiny · 24/08/2016 18:08

I would have been a lot less polite than you in my initial reply. YANBU.

ImYourMama · 24/08/2016 18:08

I think you're being a bit petty if this is a close friend and you can't suck it up. Essentially they're a female get together that's not involving alcohol, you're not obliged to buy a gift! YABU & even if you don't agree, you don't need to berate everyone around you. It's a shame you can't suck it up for your friend

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 24/08/2016 18:08

I'd just go.

Yes, they're a bit wanky but it's not like you're being asked to pray to a god you don't believe in. You're eating pink and blue cupcakes and buying some booties.

I'd suck it up.

Happymac1 · 24/08/2016 18:08

Don't do them and have a hatred of wedding lists too.

SwearyInn · 24/08/2016 18:08

I'm with you too OP - my ideal of hell.

She's a cheeky mare saying you're not going to contribute - no, I'm sure you'll contribute in your own way (eg present after baby born) you're just not contributing on demand, on her terms.

Stand your ground.

FallenStar3 · 24/08/2016 18:09

MN will say you right but I think you're being mean, it's abit of fun and to nice celebrate the new mum to be. I just attended SILs and it was lovely.

LemonScentedStickyBat · 24/08/2016 18:09

It's a party to celebrate a baby - it isn't something you need to "believe in", really. i can see why a close friend would be hurt or put out by this, tbh. I have never been invited to one or held one and I am not sure they are at all necessary, but still - it means a lot to some people.

TipBoov · 24/08/2016 18:09

I think YABU. I'm with you - I don't like the idea of them, and certainly wouldn't want one for me, but I'd make an effort to go to a friends and just get a small gift.

CaptainCrunch · 24/08/2016 18:09

Hmmm, kind of on the fence here. Baby showers are a recent phenomenon (in Scotland at least). I think they're a bit odd but would support a friend and attend.

I hate hen nights but have attended plenty because friendship is a two way street.

butwhiletheresmusicandlaughter · 24/08/2016 18:09

YANBU - I've had 3 babies and have always told friends that I didn't want a baby shower so have never had one. I dislike them personally- I kind of feel like they're tempting fate a little. Would much rather wait till the baby has arrived and then celebrate the arrival. Nothing wrong with a quiet get together with mum to be and friends without the expectation of gifts (and all those bloody silly games!) but I really don't like the 'American style' baby shower trend we seem to have adopted.

NerrSnerr · 24/08/2016 18:11

I'd just go tbh, if you're superstitious or whatever about baby gifts I would buy the mum something for her, some pregnancy toiletries, some nice food or body shop peppermint foot spray (very specific but was a lifesaver for me).

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 24/08/2016 18:11

I dislike them to the point I wouldn't have one, but if it meant a lot to a friend then I would go. It's just spending a couple of hours talking baby with your mates and having some tea and cakes.

There's nothing to not believe in Confused

AppleSetsSail · 24/08/2016 18:11

I don't think this is a principle worth fighting for, but I'm American so baby showers are in my DNA.

HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood · 24/08/2016 18:11

If she continues, I'd just reply 'Do fuck off dear. My position remains unchanged from the last 15 times I was invited to a baby shower." You could also use the MN line of 'its an invitation, not a fucking summons'

JellyBelli · 24/08/2016 18:11

Its crap that a friend wants to guilt trip you into doing something you dont agree with.
I've had friends that dont celebrate Xmas, or birthdays or whatever. No one is hurt by a friends 'quirks' unless they choose to be.

ElspethFlashman · 24/08/2016 18:12

Very polite reply. More restrained that I would have been!

I dislike them. Only time I've been on board was for a surprise one for a friend who had 10 years of fertility treatment. She bloody deserved one after all that!

But hilariously (or not), after hearing all the excited secret plans, her SIL demanded one to be held for herself a few weeks before as she was pregnant too. With her second child after having a shower for her first child only 18 months before! Shock

I made my excuses for her one.....

WannaBe · 24/08/2016 18:12

They're a recent thing adopted from the states. They weren't a thing when I had my DS and I would never have entertained one.

So no yanbu.

SleepDeprivedAndCranky · 24/08/2016 18:13

Yab a bit U. I reckon there's a backstop. I would suck it up for your m2b friend.

Catsize · 24/08/2016 18:13

I have never been to one (despite being invited to several) and will never go to one. Yanbu. If people are too short-sighted to understand the very good reasons for being anti-baby shower, then so be it - doesn't mean you have to go.

HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood · 24/08/2016 18:13

And I hate them. I feel like they jinx things, and it's just silly commercialization. Better than gender reveal parties though, I suppose.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 24/08/2016 18:14

I kind of feel like they're tempting fate a little

I really wish people would piss off with this attitude. It's so offensive. Bad things don't happen because you buy a cot when your 6 months pregnant Hmm

CakeAndChocolate · 24/08/2016 18:14

YANBU. My first baby was stillborn and as such I know only too well how fragile pregnancies are. I have declined all baby shower invites since saying that I hope the mum to be has a wonderful time and I'll celebrate with them when baby arrives safely. Nobody has questioned this or thought I was being selfish (to my face anyway).

For what it's worth, I don't like hen nights either, but not for any particular reason and as such I just suck it up and go along for my friend.

You need to draw the line somewhere OP and this is clearly yours. You state that there are a few reasons why you don't like baby showers and given this is a close friend I'm assuming they are pretty good ones.

CoraPirbright · 24/08/2016 18:15

I hate the american style baby showers too. However, I wanted to organised one for a mate which involved a boozy (alcohol free drinks also available for pregnant people) lunch with closest friends - delicious lunch with lots of relaxed chatting and lazing about and possibly some presents if people felt so inclined. My two closest friends vetoed the idea out of hand. I felt it was incredibly mean-spirited. I fear that this is how you may be coming over. I understand its "not your thing' but could you not think of your friend (if you think she would genuinely like it) and suck it up?

FuzzyOwl · 24/08/2016 18:16

Both sides of the messages sound quite petty. Are you both young?

Baby showers are not my thing for my pregnancies but I will always show support for my friends and if baby showers are their thing and they want one, I would go along and make the most of it. Friendship is about doing things for each other don't forget.