Baby shower - shit friend

[Captainkanga]

My dislike of baby showers is well known amongst my friends. For multiple reasons that I don't want to get into I would rather wait until the baby has arrived and then take gifts and celebrate the new arrival. On all occasions I've been invited to them I politely decline and send my well wishes - they're not my cup of tea but I hope the mother to be has a wonderful afternoon etc. Never an issue.

Today a close friend has emailed me with a list of dates to decide which one would be most suitable to hold our mutual friends baby shower on, so i replied stating that you're aware they're not my thing, but it's lovely of you to arrange one for her and that she's sure to have a great time.

She's emailed back the following;

"Captainkanga are you actually serious? Fair enough that you don't want a baby shower but I can't believe you're not even going to contribute or show your face at this one!! We would have arranged one for you so why can't you do the same for friend?! You're going to make it so awkward for the rest of us and it looks like you're attention seeking by making a point of not coming. I can't believe you're being this selfish!"

I'm so annoyed! I wouldn't expect a friend to do something they're uncomfortable with/ didn't believe in for me, so why on earth should I be guilted into contributing and attending this bloody baby shower?!

I've replied "as you know they're not something I agree with, but I hope you have a great time and friend will be so pleased you've held one for her" but the urge to type " JUST FUCKING FUCK OFF YOU GRABBY COW" Was a strong one.

I'm going to silently seethe and ignore any argumentative replies she sends me, but surely I can't be the only one who feels like this? I really don't give a shit if this outs me, I'm so annoyed right now!

And that "attention-seeking" jibe was just vile of her.
I'd knock her off my Christmas card list too.

I hate baby showers. I find them grabby and I hate the thought of people feeling obliged to buy me gifts, so I didn't have one for either of my pregnancies.

However I've always attended baby showers for my close friends - it's not about me and my feelings towards them, it's about their pregnancy and their feelings. I don't see the harm in showing your face, you don't have to stay long.

for you OP. I would have felt exactly the same. Thankfully they didn't exist in my day.

I really feel uncomfortable about them too, so I completely understand where you're coming from OP. I had two very complex, high-risk pregnancies so there is no way I would have wanted one for myself. If it's someone I don't know well, I usually make my excuses and then go to see the baby when it is born and take a gift then. But on occasions I have been asked to go to one for a really close friend, and then I tend to grin and bear it and take a present for the mum (chocolates, a DVD, a book for her to read while she still has time to herself) and then say that I will bring something for the baby once he/she is born...

Sorry OP, only read your first post where you didn't say why - I think this changes things massively if you're having fertility issues

I think they are bloody unlucky. i tried to organise two in my youth and both times they were cancelled as the baby came early. I insisted on not having one and none of my mates would either. YANBU you can shine when the baby comes,

I find them grabby
And frankly I suspect the organiser is pissed off about missing out on a financial contribution
You can just buy the gift as you were planning, I don't think you need to send flowers.

So sorry for your losses. Your 'friend' is being incredibly insensitive.

Sorry, OP, I should have read it properly. You shouldn't go and just explain to your friend why. She will understand. If she keeps going on about it, she's not a good friend.

Your friend is horrible and I'd be cooling things rapidly with her.

I was in the same situation as you at 28 and I'd have run a mile if anyone had asked me to go to a baby shower, and would have massively resented someone trying to guilt trip me into it.

FWIW, I put some distance between myself and a massively insensitive pal when I was going through ttc/losses/IVF and she was pg. The relationship got a bit better with time and after I had DS, but we were never quite as close again. It was a price worth paying for my sanity at the time.

Good luck with ttc OP.

'Yes the USA ones sound a bit out of hand with expensive gift lists and whatnot, but this is not really what we are discussing here is it. '

We have no idea what type of shower the OP's mates are organising, only that they expected her to contribute to paying for it and going even though they know she doesn't like them/they aren't her thing/whatever.

Sorry- I also only read your first post. You definitely shouldn't feel you need to explain yourself. Or buy anything.

I hate them but was put in charge of arranging one. M2be wanted one and it's about her not me, so I did it!

It's what you do for a friend.

Your 'friend' is being an absolute bitch, OP, and you've been a hell of a lot more understanding than I would in your shoes.

Those lucky enough not to have experienced infertility and loss have no idea how daunting and upsetting the prospect of a baby shower is. I tried to go to one for a close friend and (despite my best efforts to put a brave face on) spent the whole afternoon on the brink of tears, watching her unwrap little babygrows and blankets and thinking 'that will never be me'. If your friend knows about your situation and is still sending you messages like that, I'd be cutting her off.

I now prefer to take m2b out for lunch/pedicure and buys gifts separately - I think the idea of flowers sound lovely OP

I hate them but was put in charge of arranging one. M2be wanted one and it's about her not me, so I did it!

It's what you do for a friend.

No, if you're a friend, you don't force your friend into doing something she genuinely doesn't want to. That's basic respect. If you're a friend, there will be many other things you can do to celebrate. Guilt tripping and coercion are not fundamental tenets of friendship.

So glad I don't have friends like you.

YANBU. They are tempting Fate. Wait till the baby's arrived safely and both are well before showering with presents.
They are an American import designed purely to get people to SPEND more and more.

Why are you so jeffing important to the whole concept that your lack of presence (and presents) is going to make things 'so awkward' for the actual party? Seriously, a real friend would understand...
And how is it going to look to everyone who you've politely declined if you suddenly start attending?
Your 'friend' sounds like a bully.

Best of luck

I know it's very anti-baby shower on MN, and I agree it's grabby, but everyone has to pick their battles, and it is a little mean to not even go.

How about you don't get involved in organising but show your face?

OK, I didn't RTFT properly and saw your 2nd post sorry.
Totally understand your stance OP, how about just sending a small gift and making your excuses?

So glad I don't have friends like you

bit harsh!

I think people are focussing on the 'not believing in baby showers' / 'baby showers are grabby' issue too much - that's not the point here.

RTFT - the OP is dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss. Still think she's 'mean' not to be involved?

I can't imagine a genuine friend putting someone under pressure to do something that would make them miserable.

I have been through infertility - I will never have the experience of pregnancy, baby shower or birth. But even in my darkest times I put that to one side to help my friends celebrate. I understand that it's hard, I've been there and cried when I came home.

At no point did I say (because I wouldn't) that I would put pressure on someone to do something for me.

If putting my friends first means that you're glad you don't have friends like me swearyinn, fair enough.

Ahh sorry! I really didn't want it to be about me and my fertility issues, as they're just part of my reasoning but thank you all. Currently in the third trimester with a very wiggly baby so I'm staying hopeful for now!

Currently ignoring a deluge of increasingly twatty emails from the mutual friend, which if anything has got my back up even more and I'm not entirely sure if the issue is just about the baby shower now or if this is her chance to have a bit of a go while using it as an excuse if you see what I mean?

Thank you all for your different perspectives though even if I don't agree with some of them, horses for courses!

I hate them unless I'm in the States where I actually have been known to enjoy one.

Grabtastique

Your 'friend' hosting is a dick.

I wouldn't go either

Just read your second post. I'm so sorry for your losses.. It's no wonder you don't want to celebrate pregnancies.
It makes the attention seeking comment even more infuriating. How fucking dare she. Now she's either thick, or. She's an insensitive cunting bitch. I think I'll go for the latter