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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby shower - shit friend

246 replies

Captainkanga · 24/08/2016 18:03

My dislike of baby showers is well known amongst my friends. For multiple reasons that I don't want to get into I would rather wait until the baby has arrived and then take gifts and celebrate the new arrival. On all occasions I've been invited to them I politely decline and send my well wishes - they're not my cup of tea but I hope the mother to be has a wonderful afternoon etc. Never an issue.

Today a close friend has emailed me with a list of dates to decide which one would be most suitable to hold our mutual friends baby shower on, so i replied stating that you're aware they're not my thing, but it's lovely of you to arrange one for her and that she's sure to have a great time.

She's emailed back the following;

"Captainkanga are you actually serious? Fair enough that you don't want a baby shower but I can't believe you're not even going to contribute or show your face at this one!! We would have arranged one for you so why can't you do the same for friend?! You're going to make it so awkward for the rest of us and it looks like you're attention seeking by making a point of not coming. I can't believe you're being this selfish!"

I'm so annoyed! I wouldn't expect a friend to do something they're uncomfortable with/ didn't believe in for me, so why on earth should I be guilted into contributing and attending this bloody baby shower?!

I've replied "as you know they're not something I agree with, but I hope you have a great time and friend will be so pleased you've held one for her" but the urge to type " JUST FUCKING FUCK OFF YOU GRABBY COW" Was a strong one.

I'm going to silently seethe and ignore any argumentative replies she sends me, but surely I can't be the only one who feels like this? I really don't give a shit if this outs me, I'm so annoyed right now!

OP posts:

originalmavis · 26/08/2016 09:10

Their not there...

Excited101 · 26/08/2016 09:14

Ffs op it's a party! Just don't take a gift if you don't want to- it's not obligatory, tell them you're giving the present after the birth.

I think you're being childish and petty for the sake of it and if I was trying to organise one and you said that I'd think you were out of order, rude and attention seeking. I'd also be questioning our friendship if I was the mum to be

Excited101 · 26/08/2016 09:16

Many baby showers don't involve endless games, sashes, gender reveal and squeeling, it totally depends on the group tbh. I've been to 2 and neither have been like that.

MeDownSouth · 26/08/2016 09:55

No matter what you've been asked to do and why you want to decline, you're perfectly entitled to and no 'friend' should treat you that way. She sounds a bit crackers to be honest, why would you speak to a friend like that? I'm also in my 3rd trimester and organising a sandwich for lunch is feeling like hard work, I would also decline organising a party. Please ignore this 'friend', it sounds like she needs time to calm down and you need some peace and quiet.
Good luck with your little wiggler!

YouTheCat · 26/08/2016 09:59

To those saying she should suck it up, have you bothered to read the part about how the wanky friend wanted her to contribute to organising?

She declined politely and has a tirade of emails from this person. I wouldn't want to be in the same room.

expatinscotland · 26/08/2016 11:05

'I think you're being childish and petty for the sake of it and if I was trying to organise one and you said that I'd think you were out of order, rude and attention seeking. I'd also be questioning our friendship if I was the mum to be'

She was asked to contribute to organising it and pay for it, not just show up.

And if the mum-to-be is so precious over a party, as you put it, then it's probably best the OP questions such a friendship, too.

clam · 26/08/2016 11:23

How the hell is the OP being attention-seeking? She declined a three-line-whip suggestion to organise and pay for a party she has no interest in (for perfectly valid reasons, although that's not relevant), and did so quietly and pleasantly. If you excited think she's being rude and petty, then I wouldn't be that fussed about maintaining a friendship with you either.

IceRoadDucker · 26/08/2016 11:56

What on earth is wrong with you that you would demand people go to a twee, unnecessary party or break off a friendship? How very odd.

AnnaMarlowe · 26/08/2016 14:41

Excited101

The OP is heavily pregnant.
Following miscarriages and years of infertility.
She is quite naturally worried about the safe arrival of her baby and no doubt her friend's.

It has been demanded that she pay for and organise and event for a houseful of women.

She doesn't feel up to it (physically, emotionally, mentally). And said so politely.

But you think she's "out of order, rude and attention seeking"? You think her friends should drop her?

Really

You sound just delightful

In my world a friend in those circumstances would be treated with understanding and compassion.

Not bullying and threats.

iamapixiebutnotaniceone · 27/08/2016 00:59

AnnaMarlowe - that is very different to how I read the original post! Obviously considering those circumstances her friend should leave her be!

MrsHathaway · 27/08/2016 01:06

pixie the organising is ambiguous in the OP but "contributing" is there in black and white.

AnnaMarlowe · 27/08/2016 01:13

pixie more details came out over a couple of posts by the OP.

Regardless I think her friend's email was inexcusable. But I have very little tolerance for bullies.

originalmavis · 27/08/2016 10:53

I just don't 'get' people who just cannot or will not understand that not everyone thinks the same. Or take things as a personal insult. It try to bully someone into doing something that they know they would really hate.

'fancy doing a baby shower?'
'no thanks, it's not really something I'd enjoy'
'ok then'

What's wrong with that?

Only a petulant 5 year old would be get cross, skweeem and skweeem until she is sick and hold her bweath until her face turns blue.

Togaparties · 27/08/2016 12:30

I genuinely don't understand the dislike for baby showers? Setting up gift lists etc is a bit grabby and wanky but the ones that DW and her friends have had seem like a big group of friends and family getting together, plenty to eat and drink, a couple of silly games and a good natter about all things baby. Assuming you actually like spending time with your friends and family I can't see what you'd have against it.

originalmavis · 27/08/2016 12:35

Some people just don't like the spotlight being on them. And there are some baby shower tweeities that are just beyond naff. You can have a get together without the need for naffity.

It's like hen parties - can be nice but can be hideously cringey.

Evergreen17 · 27/08/2016 12:35

My friend offered to do my baby shower last week
I was like errrr thank you very much but I dont want one. I dont think she was offended (I got married in front of 2 people/ I dont like being the centre of attention and getting gifts from friends when I know these are tough times for everyone)

She was very rude to you

I do though still go to other people's showers and enjoy them but if you dont want to then that is it

People are self centred

Their problem not yours

AnnaMarlowe · 27/08/2016 15:06

Togaparties. I can only assume you haven't read the thread.

Lottapianos · 28/08/2016 08:47

Mavis - I'm totally stealing 'naffity', excellent word

Excited101 · 29/08/2016 22:19

None of that was clear from the OP. Obviously if there is more to the background then OF COURSE that changes everything.

There's a reason why drip feeding is unhelpful...

And thank you Ducker there's nothing wrong with me, ALL parties are un-necessary, get over yourself.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 29/08/2016 22:37

I don't understand all the comments about not taking (or being expected to take) presents to a baby shower.

I thought the whole point was to shower the mum to be with gifts for her baby?

AnnaMarlowe · 29/08/2016 23:21

Excited101 that's why it's always advisable to read the whole thread, or at least all the OP's posts before commenting...

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