Baby shower - shit friend

[Captainkanga]

My dislike of baby showers is well known amongst my friends. For multiple reasons that I don't want to get into I would rather wait until the baby has arrived and then take gifts and celebrate the new arrival. On all occasions I've been invited to them I politely decline and send my well wishes - they're not my cup of tea but I hope the mother to be has a wonderful afternoon etc. Never an issue.

Today a close friend has emailed me with a list of dates to decide which one would be most suitable to hold our mutual friends baby shower on, so i replied stating that you're aware they're not my thing, but it's lovely of you to arrange one for her and that she's sure to have a great time.

She's emailed back the following;

"Captainkanga are you actually serious? Fair enough that you don't want a baby shower but I can't believe you're not even going to contribute or show your face at this one!! We would have arranged one for you so why can't you do the same for friend?! You're going to make it so awkward for the rest of us and it looks like you're attention seeking by making a point of not coming. I can't believe you're being this selfish!"

I'm so annoyed! I wouldn't expect a friend to do something they're uncomfortable with/ didn't believe in for me, so why on earth should I be guilted into contributing and attending this bloody baby shower?!

I've replied "as you know they're not something I agree with, but I hope you have a great time and friend will be so pleased you've held one for her" but the urge to type " JUST FUCKING FUCK OFF YOU GRABBY COW" Was a strong one.

I'm going to silently seethe and ignore any argumentative replies she sends me, but surely I can't be the only one who feels like this? I really don't give a shit if this outs me, I'm so annoyed right now!

Awful commercialised American import. I'm with you OP, I prefer to celebrate a baby's safe arrival personally. It just feels odd to celebrate before the very process where there is most risk? I'm lucky that this seems to have passed me and all my loved ones by, thank god.

That said, were I to be invited to one, for a close friend, I'd go. Just like I'd buy a present off a wedding list even though I hate them. And why I buy presents for all the parties my kids go to even though I hate seeing kids receiving 400 presents at a time. I'd wince a bit, because it's not my thing, but then it's not my party is it?

What sort of a cow friend has a go at a person in their third trimester with a history of pregnancy problems causing them upset and stress?

I think you have just seen what a real friend this person is.

Block if you can for now or just carry on and ignore.

Yanbu. As far as I can tell they're usually organised by an attention-seeking idiot who enjoys bossing everyone around and is genuinely incapable of comprehending that it's more meaningful/ personal/ appropriate/ traditional for everyone to buy a gift personal to them and give it once the baby is here safely. Admire your refusal to be bullied.

Bloody Hell, Rainbunny! That's got to win first prize for the greatest lengths gone to to avoid one of these blasted things!

Rain, you don't have to actually have anything on. You just decline and say, 'Sorry, I have other plans that day.' Those can be anything - your couch, a book, etc.

As much as I admire Rainbunnys dedication to avoiding, next time say you're volunteering as a Marshall at said event... Easier and less 'joggy'

I secretly want to be invited to one!

I didn't have one and never go to them. I feel similarly about weddings and hen nights - even the expression makes my teeth grate.

And I thnk you are right to not respond any further. I never explain and never apologise, just say 'no thank you but hope you all have a lovely time'.

Well to be fair, I enjoy running although more time to train would have been nice. It wasn't my first half marathon either.

The pregnant friend in question is one of the pushiest, self-centred people I've ever met (which is why I didn't want to go to her baby shower). She would have made a huge fuss if I hadn't had unbreakable plans in place and I'm a terrible liar - as it was she wanted see pictures of me at the finish line!

Yanbu. I feel the same about hen dos. I used to suck it up, plaster on a smile and have an awful time go.
In time I've realised life's too short to spend your free time doing something you don't enjoy and have stopped going. Won't even make excuses, I'll just say it's not for me.
Well done OP!

I'd just go... Mmm yeah, I'll be there! Then not go at the last minute. Fucking Baby shower...why oh why. I've heard some terrible stories about the games people play on these things. I couldn't bear such an event. It would torture my soul

Ugh. No way. Does anyone actually like them? They're horrible, cheesy, affairs. You received an invitation, not a summons, and you have the right to refuse.

I am completely with you op.
I miscarried my only baby, conceived after a lot of fertility treatment.
No, I'm not going to suck it up or get over myself and go to a fucking baby shower.

Being American, I have been to quite a few baby showers in my time and have co-hosted two. Baby showers have been part of American culture for a long time and are sort of in the vein of "it takes a village." And, no, in the US, if you bring a gift to a shower, you are not expected to give another gift after the birth. Also, on the more expensive items, people usually go together to get those.

However, I think you are quite reasonable to decline, OP, especially considering that you were asked to help host and pay for it. Your friend's response was unreasonable and unfair.

I don't get all this hatred of baby showers. Throw someone a nice party, have some cake and tea, chuck a couple of goodies in the mum-to-be's direction... It's a nice thing to do. It's the last chance to get everyone gathered together and celebrate a life changing event, without the chaos of having a small baby to take care of.

Most people don't expect an extravagant gift and are happy just to get a cheap pack of newborn vests or a rubber duckie, and many of us would be just as happy to have someone show up with nothing at all. After all, everyone knows that pressies normally come after the baby's arrival in this country so it's not exactly shocking if someone turns up empty handed.

I just don't get how a little tea party and a few pressies can be considered
'horrible', 'grabby', or against one's beliefs... I just find all these comments a bit bah humbug...

I hate weddings. I don't agree with marriage as an institution. I find the "it's my special day!" nonsense mortifying.

I still go to my friends weddings though, because it matters to them and it's not about me prioritising my own feelings over something that means a lot to them.

MN really sneers at baby showers and I just think it's such a mean spirited attitude, it's almost as though it's justifiable sneering though because baby showers are supposedly so pathetic.

Don't like baby showers frankly because it is commercial exercise, USA style import ( no offense to US posters) people should be able to give gifts when they see fit, not when they are bullied into it, as you feel you are OP.

I know how you feel, it was very, very difficult for me to go to dsil baby shower for a very recent reason, which you can guess, but I did go because I love her dearly, so just got on with it, and had a wee cry afterwards. Sometimes we have to do things with a heavy heart, but put on a bright smile for others, and for ourselves, fake it til we make it, in some ways.

DesolateWaist I am so sorry for your situation. I hope you will find peace and the way ahead.

We had a baby and then tried for years for another. I was invited to a baby shower and went (and it was fine) but I would never ever expect anyone to attend if they did not wish to.

(We adopted after years of failed fertility treatment trying to have a second child. My lovely friends threw me a baby shower, it was great. But I know at least one friend there was possibly not going to be able to have a baby, and I am always sensitive of people who are in that position and of course there was no 'bump' putting in an appearance... so to speak.)

Weetabix re "I just don't get how a little tea party and a few pressies can be considered
'horrible', 'grabby', or against one's beliefs... I just find all these comments a bit bah humbug..."

Well, where to begin... it may or may not be a little tea party and in the OP's case she is being expected to help and organise and pay for it while pregnant. That is not on as she clearly does not want to do this.

'Grabby' may refer to the expectation that there is a present people will bring. I think it is quite common to take a gift, which is fine if you want to attend and want to bring something, but not fine for people to expect.

When someone says they don't believe in doing something it usually means they do not see the value of it, or in fact they see it as harmful or upsetting or inappropriate etc etc.

I am not wanting to put words in the OP's mouth but in my book encouraging someone to do something they are not comfortable with, in fact encouraging them to the point of trying to guilt them into it.... that is plain wrong.

The mutual 'friend' is not a genuine friend. I would ignore them. If you feel the need to send flowers or whatever, Captainkanga, then by all means do, of course. But you do not need to give reasons or whatever to other people.

In your shoes I would talk to the mum-to-be, explain your mutual 'friend' had been putting on the pressure and how uncomfortable that made you free. If she knows your history she will be totally understanding. If she does not understand (and knows the reasons) she too is not a real friend.

The reason I say to talk to her is because it is best to get things in the open because this other 'mutual friend' has made this an issue. Generally I didn't talk to pregnant friends about issues when we had fertility problems. When I did, when we were having problems before the conception of our dd, a friend was pregnant (her son is about 15 months older than my dd). She was full of the joys of pregnancy and I could not join in her joy. I explained and she felt I was being unkind.

We are over it now but, to be honest, people who have had no fertility issues just cannot really understand those of us who have had them (IMHO).

Good luck OP with your pregnancy and with it all.

Let's look at the facts:

Email from "friend" pillorying the OP for not going and claiming that OP is "attention seeking"

OP has had repeated issues concerning fertility and pregnancy

OP is in third tri so is probably in month 7/8/9 of quite frankly pooping it day in day out as let's face it pregnancy is scary enough without having experienced what the OP has

OP is expected to be part of the team that's arranging the shower for other friend.

OP - this "friend" sounds like a toxic bitch who should be Tipp-Exed out of your life pronto.

Whilst I understand that your decision is not based on your experiences I couldn't go to a shower and that's after one m/c at 11 weeks. I'd want to smack her face off.

YAdefinitelyNNNNNNNBU

Ps: I'm so pleased to hear your baby is being a wriggler. Look forward to them using your bladder as a football/dancefloor at week 38+

CoolCarrie I am so sorry to hear about your reason not to attend.

Re "Sometimes we have to do things with a heavy heart, but put on a bright smile for others, and for ourselves, fake it til we make it, in some ways."

Personally, I would say..

Sometimes we *can8 do things with a heavy heart, sometimes we simply cannot and no one should expect us to put on a bright smile for others, because that kind of action may not be for ourselves. Yes we can fake it til we make it, in some ways, but no one can demand we do that.

XX

I am never one to make a fuss for birthdays with parties or big nights out but I had a shower with both Dc. Neither were my suggestion but were thrown for me by kind and well meaning friends. The first by an American friend who was experiencing her own fertility issues and the second by a group of friends. Both were completely lovely and I was chuffed with every bit of effort they had put in, it was just a nice girly get together. I think the idea that they are grabby is way off, I had no expectations of gifts, it was just nice to see friends before the baby chaos hit. I had no expectations beyond a cup of tea and maybe that they had had a whip round for a pack of vests but actually people had been so thoughtful either buying things they found invaluable,( a baby sleeping bag that I never would have bought myself but which has been a go to item) or just put in special effort by baking some pretty cup cakes or biscuits. If you don't want to buy a baby item buy a nice body lotion or something. You might not like them, and you might be anti one yourself but yabu not to be supportive of a friend who might be in need of a bit of a boost and being made to feel special. you just don't know how your friend might be feeling and bowing out is quite passive aggressively showing your disapproval. It's not about you, if your friend is a friend you'll realise sometimes friends need to be there even when it's not their kind of thing.

And I do get the fertility issue thing and the miscarriage thing but I would/have still had to push stuff down and make it about this being someone else's moment, however hard that is.

I was once asked to co-host a co-ed baby shower with 60 or so of the couple's friends invited. They wanted it at night at a posh restaurant. So sort of like the wedding reception that they had had only a few months before. I said no and evidently when it got back to the mom-to-be she said some unflattering things about my lack of generosity. Now that was grabby.