Baby shower - shit friend

[Captainkanga]

My dislike of baby showers is well known amongst my friends. For multiple reasons that I don't want to get into I would rather wait until the baby has arrived and then take gifts and celebrate the new arrival. On all occasions I've been invited to them I politely decline and send my well wishes - they're not my cup of tea but I hope the mother to be has a wonderful afternoon etc. Never an issue.

Today a close friend has emailed me with a list of dates to decide which one would be most suitable to hold our mutual friends baby shower on, so i replied stating that you're aware they're not my thing, but it's lovely of you to arrange one for her and that she's sure to have a great time.

She's emailed back the following;

"Captainkanga are you actually serious? Fair enough that you don't want a baby shower but I can't believe you're not even going to contribute or show your face at this one!! We would have arranged one for you so why can't you do the same for friend?! You're going to make it so awkward for the rest of us and it looks like you're attention seeking by making a point of not coming. I can't believe you're being this selfish!"

I'm so annoyed! I wouldn't expect a friend to do something they're uncomfortable with/ didn't believe in for me, so why on earth should I be guilted into contributing and attending this bloody baby shower?!

I've replied "as you know they're not something I agree with, but I hope you have a great time and friend will be so pleased you've held one for her" but the urge to type " JUST FUCKING FUCK OFF YOU GRABBY COW" Was a strong one.

I'm going to silently seethe and ignore any argumentative replies she sends me, but surely I can't be the only one who feels like this? I really don't give a shit if this outs me, I'm so annoyed right now!

Thinking about it, I'm going to need a new excuse for my SIL's upcoming one....

In your position I wouldn't be causing a big scene over such a small event.

The OP hasn't caused a big scene. She received a request to help organise and pay for a baby shower and calmly and politely declined, as is her right. Any subsequent hysterics have come from her "friend" (although I'd be re-thinking that friendship if I were you).

Just a link for anyone going through infertility / fertility treatment / pregnancy loss and facing the baby shower dilemma. Don't feel bad for turning the invite down, sometimes self preservation is the way to go.

www.babycenter.com/0_therapists-top-ten-tips-for-coping-with-fertility-problems_3935.bc

"Just say no to baby-focused activities. If certain gatherings or celebrations are too painful for you — if all your siblings had babies in the last two years, say, or you keep getting invited to baby showers — give yourself permission to decline the invitation or at least to have a good cry afterward.

To avoid hurt feelings, send a gift but choose children's books or an online gift certificate to save yourself a troubling trip to the toy store or baby boutique."

OP - I'm looking forward to hearing about your safe delivery when the time comes

I too am not keen on them. I feel like they are greedy and then you have to buy two presents cos of course you are going to buy a present when you meet the baby. It's like 'buy a pre baby arrival present to celebrate the fact we had sex and our reproductive organs worked'.

Oh the other hand. My 'friend' told me about my surprise one as she knows I don't like them. They had arranged a hall and decoration and all sorts. It was organised by my family and they then cancelled it cos she told them I didn't want it. I cried. I cried as I am always the organiser and this was the FIRST time that anyone had done something for me without my input, especially my own family. When they found out I had got upset (I'd have rather not know and it got cancelled) they rearranged it on a smaller scale, in my aunts back garden and summer house. The 'friend' was invited but didn't show. She has never asked about it either.

so, even though I'm not a fan I wouldn't not go if it was a very close friend. It's for them, not you

I totally understand the OP in this. I knew someone who miscarried after having a baby shower. Its not my thing either, I'd rather celebrate when its here.

Personally, I love any gathering baby showers/hen nights/the opening of an envelope. However, totally understand why you wouldn't want to go. Irrespective of your fertility/pregnancy issues if they're not your thing (and never have been) the mum to be will understand.

I'd completely ignore the rude mutual friend whose been emailing you. She sounds like a bully. I also wouldn't worry about flowers, I'd save your gift until baby has arrived. Maybe arrange to meet up with mum to be for a catch up instead?

You're 100% right.
They are as tacky as fuck.

So you guys dont have to play the ridiculous games? I would go if all that was involved was cupcakes, presents and chatter but instead we have baby changing races, bingo, smell the diaper, silly peg game i always lose.

I hate baby showers :/

They might not be your thing but I don't see why you can't go and join in? It's what friends do for each other.

OP, YANBU at all. Baby showers are very much not my thing, either. Don't send flowers but maybe a little card saying you are sorry if she is at all sad by your absence but hope she understands and you look forward to celebrating the birth of her baby.

To the PP who told her friends, ' they don't need to bring a present if they don't want to ', wow, just wow. Super way of ensuring everyone feels absolutely obliged to buy the grabby hostess a gift.

The OP wasn't just asked to join in though. She was asked to fund and organise as well.

It sounds like my idea of hell.

I suspect if it were any other kind of occasion - Hen night, Birthday party, significant anniversary party - then nobody would be putting anybody under any pressure to attend.

I've read on here countless times 'anybody over the age of who expects a fuss for their birthday is spoilt/childish/demanding' etc.

Hell, some posters on here don't even like attending weddings and the line 'it's an invitation, not a summons' gets rolled out frequently.

I said it before and I'll say it again. OP your 'friend' is a nasty bully and I'm sure the mum to be would hate the thought of you pressured into being there under the circumstances.

I had a friend who was due with her baby the same time I was but my poorly baby died halfway through. I hosted her baby shower without a second thought. I appreciate other people might not be able to but I just swallowed it and wanted to spoil her. I'm not saying you should do this OP, I'm just saying not everyone saying they would is oblivious to loss like some posters are making out.

Also, the people who say buying for a baby is bad luck/tempting fate can go fuck themselves. I bought for DD2, that isn't the reason why she died, fucking heartless comments to make.

No you're not being unreasonable at all OP. As previous posters have said there are many reasons why people may not wish to attend one. Your 'friend' is being spectacularly insensitive.

PS to you AGruffalo I'm so sorry about your DD

True, Alpaca, but of course, there are always the 'if you love her, you'll walk through fire,' brigade that suggest people do exactly as they are bid, no matter how

My all-time favourites are the ones advising people to camp out in all weathers to attend weddings in the middle of nowhere, drive 12-hours in one day, sell a kidney because 'that's what you do for friends.' Any friend who expects a mate to do something they know that person finds painful, compromises her financially, deprives her of time with her family isn't a friend, but a manipulative, bullying twat you're well rid of.

YANBU. I would drop your nasty 'friend'. What a heartless cow. I know three women who have had full term stillbirths and I prefer to wait until the baby has arrived safe and sound before celebrating.

I find this a bit odd. If you don't like them, don't have one for yourself but this isn't about you, it's about making a fuss of your pregnant friend and it sounds like it would mean a lot to the others if you went.

I would find this strength of objection to something which is essentially just a bit of a get together a bit tiresome.

StrawberryMouse

Your kindness and compassion is overwhelming

You people who are complaining about the OP making a massive fuss, and her 'strength of objection' - you do realise that she has politely declined and is planning to just quietly not attend? She's not planning to stage a protest, egg the house of the expectant mum or gatecrash the shower screaming about what grabby disgusting muppets they all are. Absolutely zero fuss or hassle whatsoever. Just making a decision and quietly following it through. Shocking stuff

I observed one recently and my toes curled. Party games, quizzes, sashes, art activity and lots of over excited squealing. And prizes. And presents. Lots of baby presents. And a dodgy reveal cake. And balloons that changed colour to reveal gender (it's a baby boy!!!!!!!).

Dear lord, originalmavis. Sounds like a 5 year old 's birthday party rather than an adult get together!

Oh I remember there partied pre kids. I suspect brain cells were addled (this nose, nod).