Baby shower - shit friend

[Captainkanga]

My dislike of baby showers is well known amongst my friends. For multiple reasons that I don't want to get into I would rather wait until the baby has arrived and then take gifts and celebrate the new arrival. On all occasions I've been invited to them I politely decline and send my well wishes - they're not my cup of tea but I hope the mother to be has a wonderful afternoon etc. Never an issue.

Today a close friend has emailed me with a list of dates to decide which one would be most suitable to hold our mutual friends baby shower on, so i replied stating that you're aware they're not my thing, but it's lovely of you to arrange one for her and that she's sure to have a great time.

She's emailed back the following;

"Captainkanga are you actually serious? Fair enough that you don't want a baby shower but I can't believe you're not even going to contribute or show your face at this one!! We would have arranged one for you so why can't you do the same for friend?! You're going to make it so awkward for the rest of us and it looks like you're attention seeking by making a point of not coming. I can't believe you're being this selfish!"

I'm so annoyed! I wouldn't expect a friend to do something they're uncomfortable with/ didn't believe in for me, so why on earth should I be guilted into contributing and attending this bloody baby shower?!

I've replied "as you know they're not something I agree with, but I hope you have a great time and friend will be so pleased you've held one for her" but the urge to type " JUST FUCKING FUCK OFF YOU GRABBY COW" Was a strong one.

I'm going to silently seethe and ignore any argumentative replies she sends me, but surely I can't be the only one who feels like this? I really don't give a shit if this outs me, I'm so annoyed right now!

I wouldn't want one personally. If something did go wrong, I wouldn't want stacks of gifts to have to get rid of. On a far more trivial note, I hate opening presents in front of people - I find it really awkward, so definitely not my cup of tea.

It's bloody hard being pregnant these days, isn't it?

Back in my day [yes a Gimmer ] there was no such thing as a baby shower, mobile phones were in their infancy so no online passive aggressive twattishness and stupid friends could be ignored very easily.

Send the pregnant one flowers and ignore the stroppy one.

I understand exactly where OP is coming from in saying she doesn't believe in baby showers. Essentially they're something that has been brought over here and pushed heavily by people in the maternity/baby goods business as a way of selling more tat - rather the same way as they try to brainwash brides into thinking weddings are incomplete without place cards, favours and other nonsense. I think something like sending flowers or something just for your friend would be fine.

My kids are 12 and 6, so I know a lot of mums by now. Not ONE person I know, has had a baby shower

Damn right, StillStayingClassy

Men don't have to deal with this bollocks either

I don't think they are so much tempting fate as potentially insensitive for the reasons that the OP has described.

It's a particular perspective on having a baby that in many cases is very different from the reality.

It doesn't take a huge amount of thought to guess why somebody might not want to attend a baby shower.

I hate baby showers. Very, very grabby.

You were far more polite to your friend than I would have been.

Agree that no friend would expect a friend to attend something that will cause them pain.

Op your friend as been deeply insensitive. I'm sure your pregnant friend won't mind you not attending.

Rather silly to call it a shower, it's just a get together.. Well you could say that of any birthday party/hen do etc. It's obviously a get together aimed at wishing the mum to be well. Yes it's customary to bring a gift, but it's not going to be a problem if you don't.

YANBU

Apart from the fact that I hate them, (grabby, grabby, and my idea of utter hell, opening all those gifts whilst people stare at you). there is the environmental aspect (all the wrapping/plastic crap and unwanted gifts which clutter many homes. I prefer to only consume what we feel
we need and detest this unnecessary shopping culture, but that is a different conversation) but there is also the 'superstitious' side of things. I have seen several friends not come home from hospital with their babies. Which is so rough, it's an actual nightmare. And personally, after having suffered infertility issues/had 4 pregnancies that haven't worked out, I have always put everything given to me away immediately, and not looked at it until the baby is here. I was thrown a surprise baby shower with my last pregnancy and whilst it was well intentioned, I cried because I just wanted the ground to swallow me up.

Elsa, it's not an 'attitude', its a self preservation thing and not an irrational one. Miscarriage/prenatal losses rob you of the joy of pregnancy. Until that baby is in my arms, there will be no celebration. Just day to day normal life.

Regardless of your reasons, people (esp friends) should respect your choices.

I won't be attending but will send some "thinking of you, have a lovely time" flowers as a compromise, then do my original plan of spoiling the baby and the mum once the baby is here and the mum is up to visitors.

Thanks!

With respect to Joff. You don't have to suck anything up in this life aside from taxes. If you don't want to go. You don't have to. It's an invite not a summons.
With respect to you. I highly doubt "It's going to be awkward without your presence. Surely you're not that good company, are you. If so take it as a huge compliment.

I feel exactly the same way as you about them Captain, I think it's a lovely thing for you to send flowers though.

WTF? It's not like they're running a marathon, or about to undergo major surgery.

Turnipcake. Actually a lot of pregnancies end up involving major surgery and pregnant women are all too aware of this, as well as other complications during birth.

I would also rather run a marathon than go through the pregnancy and birth I had. It would be much easier. Oh and apparently I would be deserving of a lot more support.

I think pregnant women very much would like to feel supported and that friends and family are wishing them well and keeping their spirits up, particularly if they are having a hard time. Getting together for a few cakes and tea and some laughs would lift the spirits of many pregnant women, especially after long hours feeling fed up, possibly lonely and in much discomfort. It's a great reason to get together.

Yes the USA ones sound a bit out of hand with expensive gift lists and whatnot, but this is not really what we are discussing here is it.

I think some women have anxiety around large groups of women and the typical behaviour they associate with these social outings. That's fine, but don't let it become a reason to bash pregnant women who genuinely just want to enjoy celebrating their pregnancy with a little party and some cupcakes. No need to tar them all as grabby and imagine they only want gifts from everyone.

If you dislike them for personal reasons I certainly wouldn't expect you to attend and would never dream of calling a person selfish for that.

You can't turn around and hate on them though simply for wanting a baby themed get together. If they have to understand your feelings on the matter hen the same goes vice versa I'm afraid.

Unless they send you a Mamas and Papas gift list of course.

I'm not in the least superstitious, but would never celebrate the birth of a child until they are safely delivered. Maybe my life is skewed, but I imagine most people can think of at least one person they know who has either had a stillbirth or a baby in NICU.... I feel like having a house full of presents is just one more awful thing to have to deal with should something go wrong...

Thanks for explaining April but I'm an obstetrician, so I'm well aware

But in my line of work I've also had to tell people their babies have died, or seen babies taken by Social Services at birth, I remember a midwife knitting a blanket for a woman who lost her baby so that she wouldn't go home empty handed and my heart just broke for her.

I just don't go to them. It's unfair of people to tell the OP that she's being mean spirited and should just go out of support. The reasons are personal and often painful

YANBU, OP. I find it very strange that people aren't willing to just say 'ok, fair play to you, spoil the mum in a way that works for you' and just get on with organising it without you. Why this three-line whip to have fun on someone else's terms?

If you have a personal reason for disliking baby showers, YANBU. Tell your friend you really don't feel comfortable and leave it at that.

If you dislike them on principle, YABU, because this is for your pregnant friend, not you. It's like not going to a pub you don't like on your mate's birthday... Not about you.

I would also have said, that she is not really my friend so I dont feel the need to go. have a good time. Any friend that does not respect that, is no friend. Sorry op, your 'friend' does not sound very nice at all.

Threads moved along, but YANBU. You were polite in your response and nobody has a right to coerce you to attend or fund an event because "that's what supportive girlfriends do." I really hate petty shit like that.

Also, given your additional information, her saying "we would've had one for you" is really fucking insensitive.

I'm with the OP on this. And it's not just in America that gift lists have taken off - there have been a fair few threads here on MN about grabby lists too.

I don't care for the idea, but think yourself lucky that you didn't get "persuaded" into hosting one, as I did once, because I apparently had the largest house. Everyone else, including the one who'd had the bright idea in the first place, just swanned in, made a mess, shrieked loudly, and then buggered off leaving me to clear up.

In fact, just reading this thread, and all those who say you're being mean and should just suck it up, has made me turn against them even more.

Or you could have just said you couldn't make it cuz you're away somewhere and avoided the whole sorry situation. Little white lies are ok really in these situations. Kind of how polite society functions, no? Nut the "friend" who's been emailing the OP so rudely about this has sent a list of possible dates for her to pick from. Bit harder to be busy on all of them.

I have never accepted a baby shower invitation. I thank them for the invitation and say I'll go and see mum and baby after the birth. I am with you, OP, I would be angry about this, too.

YANBU. When I was having infertility issues just seeing a pregnant woman was almost physically painful. I was invited to a baby shower but couldn't have attended in a million years.

Do not send a bunch of flowers! Totally pointless. Just do as you normally do and buy a present once the baby arrives. I don't like baby showers either.

for you captainkanga
Going to a baby shower when you are having fertility issues and lost multiple pregnancies whould be absolutely horrific, your "friend" is terribly insensitive to even expect you to be part of that. I'm sure everyone else who is aware of your situation will be totally understanding