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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby shower - shit friend

246 replies

Captainkanga · 24/08/2016 18:03

My dislike of baby showers is well known amongst my friends. For multiple reasons that I don't want to get into I would rather wait until the baby has arrived and then take gifts and celebrate the new arrival. On all occasions I've been invited to them I politely decline and send my well wishes - they're not my cup of tea but I hope the mother to be has a wonderful afternoon etc. Never an issue.

Today a close friend has emailed me with a list of dates to decide which one would be most suitable to hold our mutual friends baby shower on, so i replied stating that you're aware they're not my thing, but it's lovely of you to arrange one for her and that she's sure to have a great time.

She's emailed back the following;

"Captainkanga are you actually serious? Fair enough that you don't want a baby shower but I can't believe you're not even going to contribute or show your face at this one!! We would have arranged one for you so why can't you do the same for friend?! You're going to make it so awkward for the rest of us and it looks like you're attention seeking by making a point of not coming. I can't believe you're being this selfish!"

I'm so annoyed! I wouldn't expect a friend to do something they're uncomfortable with/ didn't believe in for me, so why on earth should I be guilted into contributing and attending this bloody baby shower?!

I've replied "as you know they're not something I agree with, but I hope you have a great time and friend will be so pleased you've held one for her" but the urge to type " JUST FUCKING FUCK OFF YOU GRABBY COW" Was a strong one.

I'm going to silently seethe and ignore any argumentative replies she sends me, but surely I can't be the only one who feels like this? I really don't give a shit if this outs me, I'm so annoyed right now!

OP posts:
RichardBucket · 24/08/2016 18:17

YANBU. Stand your ground. If anybody besides this idiot thinks less of you, they're idiots as well.

RichardBucket · 24/08/2016 18:18

Both sides of the messages sound quite petty. Are you both young?

What a patronising comment. What part of the OP's message is petty or immature?

candykane25 · 24/08/2016 18:18

It's the "don't believe in" that gets me.

Baby showers aren't a religion.

It's not something you believe in or don't believe in.

It's not about you.

A very MNetty "get over yourself" from me.

But otherwise I am sure you are lovely and I hope I haven't upset you.

Doggity · 24/08/2016 18:21

YABU and mean. I'd be miffed with you too.

Advicepls7080 · 24/08/2016 18:21

Can people stop saying they jinx things ffs there is no such thing.

People might not announce they're pregnant and might not have baby showers and still sadly lose their child. It's actually quite an offensive thing to say

schbittery · 24/08/2016 18:21

i find them very grabby and entitled myself so i am.kind of with you,

EttaJ · 24/08/2016 18:21

YANBU. You were polite and she was just rude. I wouldn't even reply to that nonsense. They would have held one for you?! Knowing you don't like them. Hmmm ok then.

I dislike them intensely They are all about getting people to buy the best gifts and parents are actually registering at stores here. Telling guests not to shop elsewhere AND the gifts requested are bloody pricey! Hundreds of $ and in one case more than that! Car seats, cribs etc.Some make it clear that they wanted everything you need for a baby without even spending any of their own money.

Our DC are all grown up and there was no such thing as baby showers and now there are Bloody baby sprinkles for the second baby!! Greed! We got given what people could afford/saw fit to buy.

I have been to about 6 in as many years and have decided NEVER again. I've been invited to them by people I barely even know ffs. Just for a gift. Oh and all the games are shit 😊😂

NerrSnerr · 24/08/2016 18:21

Yes, if you don't believe in them it might be worth going as it'll be proof that they actually exist.

butwhiletheresmusicandlaughter · 24/08/2016 18:22

I kind of feel like they're tempting fate a little

I really wish people would piss off with this attitude. It's so offensive. Bad things don't happen because you buy a cot when your 6 months pregnant hmm

It's a personal view not an attitude- people have
their own personal experiences that their views are
based on. No one can say that how one person feels
about something is wrong.

WannaBe · 24/08/2016 18:22

I don't think that they're tempting fate fwiw. Although sadly pregnancies do go wrong more often than we care to talk about.

But I do think that they're just generally awful, and grabby.

And as per a PP I don't like hen do's either and as I don't drink it would be easy to decline.

Original poster
Captainkanga · 24/08/2016 18:25

Thanks for your feedback, glad to get some perspective!

To answer previous posters, I'm 28 and we've been dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss at various stages of the pregnancies which are a couple of my reasons for not wanting to attend, along with lesser reasons such as I think they're a bit grabby etc. Just my opinion but it's one that's very unlikely to change and all the friends involved in the arranging of this particular shower are aware of my reasons, big and small.

I wouldn't be expected to simply attend and bring a gift, it would be to help plan and pay for the party. I'm uncomfortable doing so, when they're not something I agree with.

Thank you though, I really don't mean to be petty/childish - would sending a nice bouquet of flowers directly to the mother to be instead of attending be more acceptable and less likely to cause a drama?

OP posts:
Mrscog · 24/08/2016 18:26

YANBU - I have a few issues with them and always respond as you do.

I missed my closest friend's baby shower, but I took her lunch at 38 weeks pg and we had a lovely natter insteady. I then devoted hours of breastfeeding support to her. I am hugely supportive of my friends when they have DCs, I have dedicated hours and hours to them, I love buying gifts, and helping in practical ways but I am not willing to participate in baby showers, end of.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 24/08/2016 18:27

butwhile if someone has the opinion that things go wrong in pregnancy because the mother buys things or has a baby shower during pregnancy then it's a shitty, offensive opinion. There's no two ways about it.

ElspethFlashman · 24/08/2016 18:27

Ooh bouquet of flowers would be lovely. But make sure its timed to arrive that day so everyone knows about it!

TurnipCake · 24/08/2016 18:27

I loathe baby showers, the entire concept and like you, I just won't go.

It's not something you need to show your face to 'support' a friend for either, WTF? It's not like they're running a marathon or about to undergo major surgery.

I keep my feelings to myself though. If I'm invited, I make a polite excuse about work or otherwise and buy something for when baby arrives.

expatinscotland · 24/08/2016 18:29

'However, I wanted to organised one for a mate which involved a boozy (alcohol free drinks also available for pregnant people) lunch with closest friends - delicious lunch with lots of relaxed chatting and lazing about and possibly some presents if people felt so inclined. '

That's not a shower, that's just people getting together for lunch.

YANBU, OP. You were polite, she was just looking for you to fund it.

myownprivateidaho · 24/08/2016 18:31

I think yabu. I can understand why you might think it's unwise to celebrate a baby before it's safely here, or why you might not want to give a gift, but saying you"don't beleive in them" just doesn't make sense. What's not to beleive in? It's a party to celebrate your friend and her new baby. I think you're being petty and mean.

TequilaBlockingBird · 24/08/2016 18:32

They make me uncomfortable too. I've never been to one. Present after the birth.

JennyF0x · 24/08/2016 18:33

Surely it's up to your pregnant friend to decide if she wants a baby shower or not and a friend will go along with what they want, whether you agree with the concept of a baby shower or not!? That's what friends do.

jusdepamplemousse · 24/08/2016 18:33

YABU.

Not my thing for me - I told my friends I didn't want one. BUT I have organised and attended for friends who did want them.

Honestly don't see why you can't go, for your mate. Your friend who emailed was a bit harsh but you are coming across a bit self righteous perhaps?

Or you could have just said you couldn't make it cuz you're away somewhere and avoided the whole sorry situation. Little white lies are ok really in these situations. Kind of how polite society functions, no?

myownprivateidaho · 24/08/2016 18:33

That's not a shower, that's just people getting together for lunch.. That's exactly what every baby shower I've been to has been like. No one checks if you bring a gift. It's just an excuse for women to eat cutesy cupcakes and get drunk in the day on cutesy cocktails ime. There's a lot to dislike, but only on aesthetic grounds.

candykane25 · 24/08/2016 18:33

Me and my closest friends went for lunch when I was about eight months. It was lovely and I really enjoyed putting my best kit on and just relaxing and having a batter before it got too hectic.
Maybe plan that instead? Pick a restaurant, book it, and leave the showers to others.
Sorry about your own fertility struggles.

candykane25 · 24/08/2016 18:34

*natter !

JennyF0x · 24/08/2016 18:36

Sorry just read the additional information about your reasoning. Sorry to hear that, but you should probably still go along as a friend even if you aren't involved in the organisation.

expatinscotland · 24/08/2016 18:36

'Honestly don't see why you can't go, for your mate. '

She finds them painful. And she wasn't asked to just go, she was asked to contribute to it, too. As a friend, I wouldn't want someone there who found it a painful experience.

'That's exactly what every baby shower I've been to has been like.'

Rather silly to call it a shower, it's just a get together.