Baby shower - shit friend

[Captainkanga]

My dislike of baby showers is well known amongst my friends. For multiple reasons that I don't want to get into I would rather wait until the baby has arrived and then take gifts and celebrate the new arrival. On all occasions I've been invited to them I politely decline and send my well wishes - they're not my cup of tea but I hope the mother to be has a wonderful afternoon etc. Never an issue.

Today a close friend has emailed me with a list of dates to decide which one would be most suitable to hold our mutual friends baby shower on, so i replied stating that you're aware they're not my thing, but it's lovely of you to arrange one for her and that she's sure to have a great time.

She's emailed back the following;

"Captainkanga are you actually serious? Fair enough that you don't want a baby shower but I can't believe you're not even going to contribute or show your face at this one!! We would have arranged one for you so why can't you do the same for friend?! You're going to make it so awkward for the rest of us and it looks like you're attention seeking by making a point of not coming. I can't believe you're being this selfish!"

I'm so annoyed! I wouldn't expect a friend to do something they're uncomfortable with/ didn't believe in for me, so why on earth should I be guilted into contributing and attending this bloody baby shower?!

I've replied "as you know they're not something I agree with, but I hope you have a great time and friend will be so pleased you've held one for her" but the urge to type " JUST FUCKING FUCK OFF YOU GRABBY COW" Was a strong one.

I'm going to silently seethe and ignore any argumentative replies she sends me, but surely I can't be the only one who feels like this? I really don't give a shit if this outs me, I'm so annoyed right now!

Are baby showers an American invention invention?
American celebrities having them were photographed and they became a thing.
I too would prefer to wait til the baby was born.
My mother indoctrinated me that it was considered unlucky to have too much bought and room prepared before the birth.
Anybody else have a mother/ grandmother with those beliefs?

YANBU. You have a right to decine any invitation. In your shoes I wouldn't go either.

I decline invitations to wild parties, barbeques, discos, weekends away etc. I accept invitations to dinner parties, drinks parties, and coffees. My choice.

You are right and I'd not be pleased that "friends" who are supposed to understand you are being so insensitive.

Your hosting friend has an issue with you.

She is using this as a great excuse for a dig.

Vile

Are baby showers an American invention?
American celebrities having them were photographed and they became a thing.
I too would prefer to wait til the baby was born.
My mother indoctrinated me that it was considered unlucky to have too much bought and room prepared before the birth.
Anybody else have a mother/ grandmother with those beliefs?

'But even in my darkest times I put that to one side to help my friends celebrate. '

Good for you. People are all different and no one should be expected to endure an unnecessary social event that they find painful just because they happen to be friends with someone.

I hear you op. My baby is arriving via section on Friday and two weeks ago my mum send a 'Congratulations on your baby boy' card and a lovely set of new born clothes. I felt sick. The card went into the bin. It feels like the worse bad luck ever. No one sends congrats cards before the baby is born! My mum just got carried away. Baby showers feel the same to me. Like tempting fate. In my mind there is no celebration until the baby is safely born.

My sister had a surprise baby shower organised for her by her partner. She was very upset - a surprise shower is not great if you don't like them. She had a good time in the end but found the present giving/opening awkward.

Anyway, I would just not go. I think you should stick to your guns because it will be strange now to change your view and give in to this friend. Your reply was polite and to the point. Bit surprised her email as so rude! Surely a friend would know you didn't want to offend or ruin anything you are just doing what you feel is the right thing?

That is so rough OP.

For what it is worth, I had a low key baby shower thrown for me a couple of weeks before due date. One of my friends who is having fertility issues text me her apologies and said it was just too painful for her, and it was fine. I understood why she couldn't come and that she still is a good friend who wished me and the baby well. Your obnoxious friend aside, most people do get it.

Kanga has a consistent policy towards baby showers which all her friends are aware of.

The mutual friend's text message is absolutely appalling. It's bullying.

Regardless of how firm my policy was on baby showers that email would not persuade me to attend this one.

I'm at the notion that not attending something is attention seeking.

Stand your ground OP.

Personally I'd block mutual "friend" from email, text and social media on the basis of harassment.

OP just say you're not going and send a small gift with a nice message. And just tell your "friend" it's not on.

Baby Showers like Hen/Stag Nights and £20,000 weddings are just ridiculous. All driven by marketing and the baby/wedding industry.

Sounds as if there are Babyzillas along with Bridezillas.

FFS - of course everyone is different and all I have done is talk about what I would do and have done.

I only mentioned my own issues because people are very keen to start jumping on people who have a different perspective and say that they don't know as they've never been in that situation.

hello.

one thing I dont understand is that with a baby shower, are you then expected to buy more presents when the baby is born?

What do the latest emails say

I am totally with you! I think they are horrible occasions and really grabby.
Imagine a mum st 28 weeks having a baby shower and then 2 weeks later loosing the baby !!! I've seen it , memories can't be erased and it's difficult with photos too as they come up in time hop!
Grabby and horrid

My views about baby showers are the same as yours. I we very clear to my friends I didn't want a baby shower and they struggled to accept this but eventually let it go. I however have and will attend my friends as it's important to them. Maybe your not that close to these 'friends' I do a lot for my close friends even if not my cup of tea as they're like family.

I've been to one shower and I loved it, but then I like cupcakes

I wasn't looking forward to it as I wasn't sure what to expect but I love the mama so I wouldn't have missed it. I do believe that sometimes it just isn't about me so I suck it up and get on with it for a friend or family member BUT this isn't for everyone. OP you've obviously suffered through some painful experiences and this is sensitive for you, you have consistently maintained your feelings towards these events so it's way harsh that you're getting a hard time for declining.

I dislike all these insinuations that somehow the OP is being a bad friend for not wanting to go - regardless of her fertility issues.

Baby showers make sense in the US where it's customary to buy gifts before a baby arrives.

They make less sense in the UK where it's customary to buy gifts only after the birth.

It feels grabby only because there's a high chance people will buy twice - once for the shower and once when visiting the newborn. No such hand-wringing the other side of the pond, so no need for snide remarks about American commercialism.

I have dodged baby showers thus far. I think it's fair for OP to want to dodge this one. I think it's incredibly rude of "friend" to harangue her for not paying for attending it.

Definitely definitely it's not actually about the shower. I'm inclined to think she has issues with your current pregnancy (very best wishes, by the way!).

My mother indoctrinated me that it was considered unlucky to have too much bought and room prepared before the birth.
Anybody else have a mother/ grandmother with those beliefs?

Certainly in my extended family, and among friends, it wasn't done to give gifts before the baby arrived. But then there wasn't the huge variety of things to spend money on. Most people opted for small handknitted items.

I think that the friend would not have reacted in the way she did if the OP had explained she finds baby showers too painful. It sounds like the OP has told the friend she is against them on principle - the friend is likely thinking that this is about them being "grabby", an American import etc. IMO not going to a little party to celebrate a pregnancy because you don't like the (new) tradition is petty. But not going because you find it hurtful is completely different. I wonder if the friend just doesn't understand the OP's reasons.

One present when baby arrives. No such thing as luck , it just makes sense.

And if you are buying pink or blue, makes even more sense because even with ultrasounds it is never certain.

Also - it is all so cutesy and girly, im not alone in finding that gruesome. With that, a stroppy madam involved and other issues - sounds an eminently avoidable event .

YANBU Definitely. Don't go and ignore mutual friend.

How cruel and unreasonable this mutual 'friend' is.

I'm not in the least superstitious, but would never celebrate the birth of a child until they are safely delivered. Maybe my life is skewed, but I imagine most people can think of at least one person they know who has either had a stillbirth or a baby in NICU.... I feel like having a house full of presents is just one more awful thing to have to deal with should something go wrong...

Said so well. I've been to baby showers, but with our history of stillbirth, I don't buy a gift for the baby at them - that comes once they are here safely.

I think if they upset you it's reasonable not to attend. No-one has the right to tell you that's unreasonable.

what you've done is fine.

i wish i'd done this when a friend asked me to hold one for her. against my better judgement i said yes, but later found out that i was her second choice and her no. 1 choice had said no! wish i hadn't bothered. she never reciprocated of course.

I've been to too many baby showers and frankly I hate them. I haven't managed to get pregnant yet but that's not my reason for not enjoying them, they're just so boring and inevitably baby related topics dominate the conversation which is incredibly boring if you haven't had children yet. The last invite I received to a baby shower was for a "friend" who I actually rather dislike (her dh is friends with my dh). I couldn't stand the thought of spending hours worshipping her and enduring endless baby talk again. As soon as I received the invite I started googling desperately for events of any type that were happening on the same day so I could say I already had plans. Unfortunately the only thing I could find was a half-marathon. So I did it, I ran 13.1 miles on a Saturday morning to avoid a bloody baby shower with less than 4 weeks to train for it. It hurt but it was still much less painful than that baby shower!

I love this from candykane25 and would like to second it

A very MNetty Get over Yourself from me.
But otherwise I am sure you are lovely and I hope I haven't upset you

Might use it for myself in the future...