AIBU to put sons board up

[foxy6]

hi all we have two grown up sons living at home, they are 20 and 19. when they started working we agreed to charge them £25 a week board. this wasn't based on what it costs to look after them or what we lost in tax credits but on what they earned. the oldest has a 0 hour contract and at first wasn't working much so was lucky to earn £100 a week. the other son had an apprenticeship at first so was earning just over £100. however the older son now works more and therefore earns more and the other son finished his apprenticeship and has a proper job, they both earn on average £200 a week. we have asked them to contribute more by upping their board to £40 a week. is this unreasonable? DS 1 is ok with it but DS2 informs me hes going to move out and live with a friend as hes not paying £40 a week to live in the house he grew up in.

Not unreasonable at all. I had to move into my parents with my daughter when I got divorced and paid them £100 p/w. They didn't ask for it, that just seemed reasonable and the least I should do. That was really just general living cost and 2 meals for my dd as I rarely ate there because I was at work. I would still pick up shopping and bits and pieces and all personal items for me & dd. Even before I moved out at 21, 16 years ago I gave them 25% of what I earned.

I paid rent to my parents once I had a full time job, I also used to go through the phone bill, highlight my calls & pay for them, and help out with food etc. I Alps used to hand over a percentage of my Saturday job money when I was younger. I never begrudged it & my parents were always happy to buy treats /extras.

I will do the same with DD when she is older. I don't think it's wrong, and if it helps the family finances it's a positive!

Agree with monkey - if he can get all you provide (never mind chef, laundry and cleaning services) for less than forty quid, let me know where - I'll move there in a heartbeat!

Seriously, he is seeing benefit of working if he's paying £40 out of £200. If he doesn't think he is, try him on jobseekers and he'll realise how lucky he is. £40 a week rent is perfectly reasonable op. Up until a fortnight ago, I was working in a minimum wage job and was paying my parents £50 a week - I didn't wait to be asked, I offered. In my mind, it's only right. It was less than what I would have been paying living outside the home, and it wasn't like I wasn't costing them anything living at home. I bought my own wine and treats too, rent money was towards petrol, meals, toiletries and utilities. He'll soon realise that £40 won't go far in terms of food shopping and rent in the real world. I don't blame you for upping the rent - it's a £15 increase so hardly hard to manage, but I wouldn't up it every time their earnings went up because they might like to save or benefit from the increase. I paid my parents £50 a week when earning around £200-250 a week, now I've lost my job and am on JSA they don't charge rent, if I got a job earning £500 they'd charge me more than £50 obviously but I think bar big changes to the income, don't raise their rent every single time. Ultimately, they couldn't live for £25 in the real world and can't expect to do so in your home, your name is mum, not mug.

I don't think it does anyone favours not charging adult dc rent when they're working. It's not like you're leaving them with nothing, living isn't free and you're his parents, not a money tree. Him living there costs you and you're giving him a subsidised rent anyway - it's hardly as though you're making a profit, or even recieving the true amount he costs. It's the least he can do to pay something towards to his costs.

I think moving out would be great and age appropriate step. Buy him a toaster as a present and wish him well.

DS shares a house with 2 others, he pays £70 a week plus bills, which I think is fairly average, if he lived at home I would probably charge £300 a month all in.

If they are adults and living at home, they are using rooms that you can't use and doubling the food bill etc, etc and having to fit around family life creating a lot of extra food preparation, washing and housework.

2Rebecca I agree totally which is why I am unhappy with the setup. foxy I agree with your reasoning but it is because of what 2Rebecca said that I am unhappy with our situation. It is the 2nd time dss has come home since he was 18 but even when fit he treat the house like a doss house. He resented doing anything for us but still wanting food all hours staying up all night and only paid 15 pw reluctantly. To be fair he was lucky he was allowed back the first time as he first left the first after being violent with dh and then calling the police on him for defending himself and other behaviour since which is too complicated to go into here. Your ds's sound like angels in comparison.

Having adult children living in the family home while earning a full-time wage and not charging them something for their keep is just infantilising them.

In the OP's situation she's lost tax-credits and what she's asked her sons for won't even cover the cost of their food. Plus, she's on a DMP so she's hardly been exploiting her children but clearly subsidising them.

The people I know who are poor money-managers are mostly those who were cosseted and mollycoddled by being charged nothing when they lived at home. Designer togs, glam holidays, hugely expensive car-payments and all the rest, while saving nothing much, if anything. Moved out in their mid-twenties and resented how expensive it is to stand on your own two feet. I was not one of those and am grateful for it. At the time I paid one third of my take-home pay to my parents and didn't resent it, it was what nearly everyone in our patently not well-off social circle did. When I moved out into a shared bed-sit my rent alone was more than what I previously contributed.

Foxy you dont have to explain anything, we all know you have done plenty for your kids.

Wait until his washing piles up and he asks the gf why she hasnt done his too bet he will arrive at your doorstep with a bagfull! Tell him he moved out and you are not his skivvy, show him where the machine is and leave him to it

Sometimes we need a lesson to realise that the world doesnt revolve around us and I think in your ds's case its long overdue.

Expatinscotland - that's rather an aggressive interpretation of my circumstances. To clarify I was not sponging off my family. I bought food and paid some bills. Also when you're in a large family (as mine is) assuming one extra person for meals (that I part paid for) doesn't actually equate to a huge amount. Neither does adding his shirts to our family wash work out as extra work. There are more ways to contribute to a family rather than just monetary. We contributed by being responsible for meals, helping with DIY, housework etc. I also never asked for a deposit nor was expecting one. My parents not charging is for housekeeping was their way to help us save to buy a flat. And yes he could have moved out. To clarify though he had already moved out before and for family reasons returned to help. By this stage where he was spending much more time at mine, him being at home was no longer necessary, but he got stuck in the cycle of paying them. Back then, £400 would have been much more than renting a room. When we did eventually move out, his family continued to insist he paid, until eventually he had to have an argument with them about it. It still smarts now that they profited from him. There is no way he was using anything in the house, bar storage costs that would have put them in difficulties. (Which by the way, they are well off and weren't)

Something that frequently comes up on MN seems to be that no one can possibly have some luck, or be helped through kindness, without it viewed as negative. The act of kindness is always viewed as someone being taken advantage of. Anyone who is slightly helped, is somehow unfairly advantaged, in comparison. Sometimes showing kindness is just as important as teaching our children a lesson.

I also said that op was being unreasonable if the money wasn't needed. It is, so she wbu.

I was a single parent for a few years & was very open with both children regards household bills. They couldn't just ask for money for tomorrow. I had to plan in advance for unexpected expenses with small. Saving each month.

Every penny was accounted for.
When oldest left college my income dropped by 90 week . Tax credits, child benefit & maintenance from dad stopped. Weekly dig money was 200 per month.
A meal is on table each night if wanted.
She uses wash machine/ tumble dryer and soap shampoo available. She pays her own phone, car loan & insurance & any additional preferred toiletries.
She says 200 per month cheap as couldn't rent anywhere on her own for that. Without the addition of gas/elec ctax food on top of that.
She saves something each month.
Says I gave her a good appreciation for money.
40 is not unreasonable. I'm sure he will be back after a few weeks either very hungry or owing money.

I'm shocked at the harshness of some of some of the replies on here. My older 2 are 19 and 21. 21 yo DS works full-time and only pays £15 a week. DD1 is on an apprenticeship and pays £10 pw. I don't need it, that's why I only charge a nominal amount. I save it up and use it for my holiday spending money. I never took any money from their part time jobs when they were in school/college, but we are not talking about children here. These are grown adults who need to contribute to the household upkeep. DS spends more than £15 pw on Dominoes lol and we had a lot of arguments over him paying £15, lol. You're doing the right thing and I agree with you 100% fwiw. I wouldn't be too quick to change the bedroom though, I have a feeling your DS may be back sooner rather than later x

'I wouldn't be too quick to change the bedroom though, I have a feeling your DS may be back sooner rather than later'

I hope that if he comes back and hasn't undergone a massive attitude adjustment, the OP doesn't let him back in. He has a lot of growing up to do and sounds like the type who has to learn that via a degree course in the School of Hard Knocks.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion although yours is a quite judgemental one as well as a bit black and white rather than realistic and understanding !
Paying your way once your out earning a wage when your an adult is a good thing.
Teaches money management & responsibility. prepares for independent living too!

I wouldn't be too quick to change the bedroom though, I have a feeling your DS may be back sooner rather than later

In which case it will be his turn to share with his little brother.

My DS2 was the same, thought £200pm was too much so moved out aged 19. He lasted 3 months before asking to come home! It teaches them that life's not free and budgeting etc. So if he wants to go then let him but don't waiver. It's his choice and the grass isn't greener elsewhere

I'm not sure how I feel about grown up kids paying parents rent.

My current stance is that I would only do it if I was putting the £40 a week away for them, to give back to them when they move out in a lump sum - teaching them to budget and the value of saving?!

I'd be worried about relying on their money, what about when they're gone? Does it really cost around £320 a month for them to be living there? I have no idea, my boys are both still under 10!

I really don't like the idea of it but it seems like the accepted thing to do so I guess it's not generally unreasonable.

He`ll soon be begging for his room back. Its a snip at £40.

'I'd be worried about relying on their money, what about when they're gone?'

Rent out the room to a lodger or AirB&B, downsize to a smaller home.

As soon as i went to uni i started paying £200 pm. My mum is a single payment and required help...plus i was getting all my meals, washing done etc...i also paid for my own car, insurance, mobile, petrol money and all my own toiletries.
My mum was very open about her finances so knew my £50 pw was helping with the mortgage and food shop.
OP your son needs to learn the hard way.
I have learned how to count my pennies, save and get an great credit rating which has set me up to buy my own house while being a mum before turning 26.
He'll be back as it will be a shock to the system realising how mich everything atually costs...
Good luck!!

OP, you're absolutely not being unreasonable. If you're working full time then you should contribute to your keep. Parents supporting adult children who are working and earning a decent wage is ridiculous and teaches children absolutely nothing about the real world.

I used to have to pay a third of what I earned! YANBU!!

Well today he asked to come back home.