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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to put sons board up

221 replies

foxy6 · 17/08/2016 15:46

hi all we have two grown up sons living at home, they are 20 and 19. when they started working we agreed to charge them £25 a week board. this wasn't based on what it costs to look after them or what we lost in tax credits but on what they earned. the oldest has a 0 hour contract and at first wasn't working much so was lucky to earn £100 a week. the other son had an apprenticeship at first so was earning just over £100. however the older son now works more and therefore earns more and the other son finished his apprenticeship and has a proper job, they both earn on average £200 a week. we have asked them to contribute more by upping their board to £40 a week. is this unreasonable? DS 1 is ok with it but DS2 informs me hes going to move out and live with a friend as hes not paying £40 a week to live in the house he grew up in.

OP posts:
TheCrowFromBelow · 17/08/2016 19:00

Of course we want to help our DCs but part of life is growing up and managing to run a household yourself. The DSs are welcome to stay here as long as they'd like, as long as they clean up after themselves and help out.
Once they are earning full time I'd keep rent free but I'd want a contribution to food and bills, and to know that they are saving for the future. That's only fair- we've got them to adulthood which is when they need to start taking responsibility for their lives. We'd always be there to help.
OP your DS2 is in for but of en eye opener if he thinks £40 will cover food, rent and bills!

Original poster
foxy6 · 17/08/2016 19:14

ollieplimsoles i wounld mind so much if he was doing something with the £160 a week he had left, but apart form paying his mobile contract and his gym membership he has no other commitments. he doesn't help around the house so i do everything for him and i buy all his food and his dad gives i'm a lift to work sometime (without asking for petrol money) he is not saving for anything and spends what he has left on fags and getting drunk on the weekend with his friends.
i'm not in a well paid job and my bills have not gone down because they are working, just my income has reduced.

OP posts:
Ladymayormaynot · 17/08/2016 19:27

You can rent his room out for up to £80 pw tax free (unless rules have changed). Quids in for you & no added extras to provide.

Original poster
foxy6 · 17/08/2016 19:27

he has left. he has moved in with is friend and girlfriend. apparently they don't want anything for him living there. i cant see how as his friend doesn't work and his girlfriend has a summer play scheme job, so i doubt she gets much. they will soon get fed up of him free loading off them when he has more money than them.

DS1 is happy to pay a bit more to help out.

OP posts:
CremeEggThief · 17/08/2016 19:29

foxy6, he'll be back with his tail between his legs soon. Enjoy the relative peace and quiet while you can!Brew

Original poster
foxy6 · 17/08/2016 19:41

well we have two choices for his room. let ds1 have it as he currently has to share with ds4 (who is 9 ). but they get on well, have the same likes and ds4 wont sleep in a room on his own. or turn it into a craft room for me

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 17/08/2016 19:48

Wish him well as the door slams on his behind....

I expect he knows it's going to cost him a lot more than £40 per week to live but just think....cheaper shopping bill, less washing and ironing

Let him grow up how he wants, just as you want to parent as you see fit

QuiteLikely5 · 17/08/2016 20:13

If I was hard up and my DC got a job I would only ever ask them to pay a contribution towards food/utilities that they were using.

I wouldn't like to profit from them.

I think it's a tad harsh complaining about him spending his money on beer etc as he is at the right stage in life to do that - he is young, has a job and is enjoying his life

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 17/08/2016 20:20

Can I move in with you? I will give you £40 a week Grin

FeelingSmurfy · 17/08/2016 20:22

They may not mind him sleeping on the couch for free, but I'm sure they will want money for food, toiletries, when the electric and water bills go up....

dentydown · 17/08/2016 20:42

I was in the same boat as Applejac, my mum charged me more than what she was paying a week for rent. She smoked it away.
I kept trying to move out, but was met with so many hurdles, and told I wasn't to be trusted on my own, wasn't "allowed" t move out, I would burn the place down, i'd have to throw all my things away etc.
I had to do a 3 hour commute for a uni work placement (3 hours there, 3 hours back) because I wasn't "allowed" to move out.
The 120 pw rent crippled me as well (she was paying 94pw). I was trying to save for a deposit and couldnt.
I would of loved 40pw!

Original poster
foxy6 · 17/08/2016 21:08

i don't mind him going out drinking with his mates but to spend £100 + each week is a bit excessive and then to complain about helping by paying an extra £15. we are going to a family wedding next week for which i booked and paid for the hotels on the agreement both would pay me back there share of the room they will be sharing. but he has only given me a tenner so far, saying he cant afford it, then went out drinking 2 nights in a row.

OP posts:
Original poster
foxy6 · 17/08/2016 21:09

i'm not making a profit off them by putting their board up as i'm making a loss with £25 a week that just about covers their share of the food bill.

OP posts:
Chihuahualala · 17/08/2016 21:17

I don't have kids but you are so not being U.

I paid £20 a week when I started work in 1989 and earnt just over £4K a year!!!

ollieplimsoles · 17/08/2016 22:09

he doesn't help around the house so i do everything for him and i buy all his food and his dad gives i'm a lift to work sometime (without asking for petrol money) he is not saving for anything and spends what he has left on fags and getting drunk on the weekend with his friends.

Oh Christ well there you go foxy you are totally not U, he should be saving some money at least, not pissing it up the wall. At least giving it to you its being used for something constructive!

Wigglewogglewoo · 17/08/2016 22:52

My step mum and dad took the majority of my money until I moved out. i actually ending up quitting uni and working 2 part time jobs plus the weekend job I was doing before instead without telling anyone just so I could have a little bit of money left. That led me to moving out way before I actually could afford too and ended up not being able to afford food and heating the majority of the time. I have no relationship with them anymore.

I don't need money from my DC, were well off enough with out it. I wouldn't dream of charging my child to live in their home and I would charge them for food either. They pay their own cars, phones etc and all though many people don't agree Internet is something you do need in this day and age so what exactly should I be asking for money for?

At the moment none of hem are in a position where they could afford to move out so their only option is living at home, until they'd be able to afford their own place I won't even think of profiting from them living with me.

Original poster
foxy6 · 18/08/2016 07:05

I'm not profiting from them. How anyone can make a profit on £25 a week is beyond me. I must pay that just for food for them. I need something to help cover their usage of gas, electric and water DS2 would have a bath twice a day most days, cooking their food as they eat at different times to us. The electric used for the near constant usage of pc and ps3 when they are home with ds2 often falling asleep leaving his TV and ps3 on.
I've had to apply for a debt management plan and this have been a real struggle and I can't afford everything. I've just switched phone provider to try and save money and cancelled the sky TV. I wouldn't dream of profiting from them, just asking them to pay their fair share.
Anyway ds2 has moved out now so I'll have a bit more money now as I won't be subserdising him anymore.

OP posts:
user1471422849 · 18/08/2016 07:23

You were not being at all unreasonable and he has now made his choice. I would give your oldest son still at home his own room though. I'm not sure it's fair for him to be paying board and unnecessarily sharing with a 9 year old.

SouthWindsWesterly · 18/08/2016 07:31

I'm quite saddened by AppleJac's story. I paid rent to my parents at £50 a week when I came back to home from uni and found work. My eldest sister did the same but when she moved out, she got all the money back. The difference is that when I started paying rent, my father had retired. However if I had told them that I needed to retrain and go back to study, my parents had already stated that they would have refused rent bar an occasional shop although it would have been very very tight indeed. It's not about making money off your children rather guiding them through life and helping the household with increased costs. It's very sad that WiggleWoggle, Denty and AppleJac were essentially taken advantage of.

SillySongsWithLarry · 18/08/2016 07:31

YANBU charging board at all. It's a fact of life for low income families that tax credits and benefits stop when the children grow up. There is an expectation that the children will then step up and pay their way. Why shouldn't they, they are income earning adults. Only better off families can afford to give their children a free ride in life.

Motherfuckers · 18/08/2016 07:41

Yes, If he moves out, it will cost more money. But you can't really put a price on how much more fun he will have!

EmpressOfTheSevenOceans · 18/08/2016 07:48

well we have two choices for his room. let ds1 have it as he currently has to share with ds4 (who is 9 ). but they get on well, have the same likes and ds4 wont sleep in a room on his own. or turn it into a craft room for me

I think DS1 should have it - if his little brother really can't sleep alone, give him the option of your floor?

user1471443957 · 18/08/2016 07:53

YANBU

I think it's weird that people think it's 'disgusting' for adult childrento pay board for living in the family home. They are adults.

What if the it was the OP's DH who was earning £200 p/w and refusing to contribute towards bills/food etc and spending all the money on himself - would that be ok?

Obvs I would support my kids if they were studying or even if they were saving hard for a house deposit etc if I could afford it, but the OP is hard up and her DS2 is taking the piss (out of someone else now he's moved out)

YouMakeMyDreams · 18/08/2016 07:54

I never get the outrage on these threads about charging board to a working adult. Dh and I pay proportionate amounts of our income into 'our home' we pay to live here. Just because it's our home doesn't mean it is free.
We will have the same rules as when I lived at home. In education you are supported. Out of work but looking for a job your contribution is not financial it is helping out around the house. Cooking the odd meal doing a bit of tidying while the others are at work. Working a proportionate amount of salary paid to contribute towards your living expenses.
Like a precious poster said when does it become inappropriate for an adult living at home to be paying nothing? People are living at home longer now because house prices are so high when does it become silly not to take a contribution?

Fluffycloudland77 · 18/08/2016 07:55

I think it will do him good. Hopefully bills will go down now.

It's all very well saying you wouldn't charge kids for living at home but financial situations vary and not everyone can afford to keep their kids for free.

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