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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to put sons board up

221 replies

foxy6 · 17/08/2016 15:46

hi all we have two grown up sons living at home, they are 20 and 19. when they started working we agreed to charge them £25 a week board. this wasn't based on what it costs to look after them or what we lost in tax credits but on what they earned. the oldest has a 0 hour contract and at first wasn't working much so was lucky to earn £100 a week. the other son had an apprenticeship at first so was earning just over £100. however the older son now works more and therefore earns more and the other son finished his apprenticeship and has a proper job, they both earn on average £200 a week. we have asked them to contribute more by upping their board to £40 a week. is this unreasonable? DS 1 is ok with it but DS2 informs me hes going to move out and live with a friend as hes not paying £40 a week to live in the house he grew up in.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 18/08/2016 20:27

'Expecting a lot of board for a shared room in your own home is wrong, I'm not even comfortable with charging even if they have their own room. '

That's nice that you can afford that luxury.

I was taught values at home and would have been ashamed of being an adult earning a FT wage and living like a child at home for free. How embarrassing!

user1471342003 · 18/08/2016 20:31

My son was paying just £100 month board, and earning about £1300 a month. He just moved into a nice flat with a friend and is paying about £350 a month for his share of rent. He was moaning light-heartedly today about how much the water rates and council tax are and said it didn't occur to him that we had to pay all these bills while he frittered away most of his wages. He absolutely loves doing his own thing

2 children gone one to go Grin

user1471342003 · 18/08/2016 20:36

I have a family member who is unemployed and still lives at home at nearly 50 because his mother thought it was her duty to support him. Shes done im no favours - he has the odd girlfriend but they soon dump him when they find out he's never grown up!

budgiegirl · 18/08/2016 20:36

As a parent its our job to provide for our children, once they leave they are responsible for themselves but when here it's mine

Why? I agree if they are in education, but if they are working, why shouldn't they pay at least something towards their food, bills etc? Most parents don't charge full market value, but just ask for a contribution. At what point should they pay? They may be still living with you when they are in their 40s if it is so much cheaper to be at home!

expatinscotland · 18/08/2016 20:46

I feel it's my duty to provide values and goals in my children that instill in them the desire to grow up, leave home and find their own way in the world as adults. I give them practical tools in this: budgeting, domestic skills, a home environment that encourages education, sport and personal development; and also emotional and social skills so they grow up seeing leaving home when possible as a good thing, and not sponging off or taking advantage of people as a good thing.

expatinscotland · 18/08/2016 20:47

'I have a family member who is unemployed and still lives at home at nearly 50 because his mother thought it was her duty to support him. Shes done im no favours - he has the odd girlfriend but they soon dump him when they find out he's never grown up!'

I do, too.

Original poster
foxy6 · 18/08/2016 20:47

I don't see why I should pay for their hotel room. I am paying for a room for me , dh and your youngest 2. You can only have 4 in a room. They earn enough and if they want to come they they pay for their room. It's their choice to come I'm not making them.they agreed to pay and knew how much it would be before I booked the room. They aren't paying for anything else for going to the wedding. I've given them suits and they are coming in our car and I will pay for their food whilst we are their I should imagine. So they are not paying for my choices in life they are paying for their choice

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 18/08/2016 20:50

Totally fair, foxy. You can't afford it. They are earning. I can't believe they didn't offer, tbh. I'd feel bad if I knew my mum and dad were struggling and I didn't cover my share when I could.

Sometimesitsnowsinapril · 18/08/2016 20:57

I paid my mum £160 pcm from an £8k pa job over twenty years ago. My dcs will be paying their way also.

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 18/08/2016 21:03

Each to their own, I can't imagine anyone I know telling their children who live at home they can attend the family wedding they were invited to as a family but only if they pay.

I doubt any of mine will be here at 50, they will want to spread their wings at uni before starting in their chosen paths.

I don't think its freeloading or embarrassing to be 19/20 and leaving at home with parental support.

expatinscotland · 18/08/2016 21:08

'I can't imagine anyone I know telling their children who live at home they can attend the family wedding they were invited to as a family but only if they pay. '

Even if you knew they were struggling and needed to book an extra room for you?

Mine are younger and already point out how pitiful it is for some of the peer's older siblings, 19/20 in FT work, to expect to loaf off their parents and not pay a bean.

What's uni got to do with it? I went, away from home, at 18, but my sibling chose to spread her wings by joining the military.

Chopstick17 · 18/08/2016 21:38

YANBU and I'd like to see him find somewhere as comfy and homely for £40 pw. (presuming here but I imagine so) so let him go, he'll learn a lot from this experience.

green18 · 18/08/2016 21:40

I used to pay £100 per month 20 years ago on about £900 per month salary. I also had a car loan and bought all my own toiletries etc. YANBU

Original poster
foxy6 · 19/08/2016 03:59

dragons there are bills that i didn't pay when i got my monthly wage and booked the extra hotel room, if it was something i could afford then fine i probably would have paid for it. i paid for my oldest to join us on holiday this year. but at the time i couldn't afford it so they agreed they would pay for their room.
i think some of you are quite disillusioned in thinking that everyone can afford to support their grown up, working children. to be able to to that is a luxury that many can not afford to do. and anyone that can and wishes to support my grown up working son for nothing are more than welcome to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
foxy6 · 19/08/2016 04:05

and they do have parental support. i work and still do all the housework, i cook and clean for them, make sure ds1 uniform is clean for his job. we very often give them a lift to and from work without charging of fuel. and it cost more than we are asking to actually have them at home. some people are so judgemental.
i'm not profiting form them EVER. we help them out a lot took ds1 on holiday with us this year and gave ds2 money towards his hoilday that he arranged with friends, although i suppose thats not enough for some of you and we should have paid for him to go away on a drinking holiday with his friends.

OP posts:
KickAssAngel · 19/08/2016 04:25

I think some people don't realize how hard it can be when each week/month you're down to your last few pennies. If the OP lost tax credits when her offspring moved on from education, then the family income went down. That money has to come from somewhere. Any adult who is benefiting from living in the house should pay in what they can and/or do what work they can to contribute to the family/community.

OP - yes, he should be paying. Amazing how your DS1 has such a different attitude.

Trifleorbust · 19/08/2016 06:35

OP, of course you are not doing anything wrong by treating your adult sons as working adults, and no longer paying for everything as a family. At all.

MangoMoon · 19/08/2016 09:24

I was taught values at home and would have been ashamed of being an adult earning a FT wage and living like a child at home for free. How embarrassing!

Me too.

MangoMoon · 19/08/2016 10:12

You're not doing anything wrong at all foxy, my boys are only 11 & 14 but even now they negotiate with me if they want something extra like an Xbox game or anything else that costs extra.
Even spending money when they're on trips - they always pay a contribution & I make up the rest.

I cannot begin to imagine having to enable free-loading adults as some people on this thread seem to advocate tbh.
I'll always be there to support my boys for ever, but my 'job' is not to baby them through life - my job is to ensure that by 18 they're capable and independent enough to move on and forge their own way.

GingerbreadGingerbread · 19/08/2016 10:25

It's too much money IMO I think you're being a bit mean and grabby. He's working let him see some benefit of it!

FireFLYing19 · 19/08/2016 10:37

YABU.

I disagree with parents charging their children to live at home. I grew up in a culture where this just does not happen and is not expected of you. When my children are adults, I will not expect a penny off them whilst they live at home. This is their home until they are able to save up and buy their own house.

By living at home until I was 21 and then living with my in-laws for one year after marriage (no board), my husband and I were able to save up and buy our first house, and we were fully supported by his parents in this. Had I been asked to pay board at home and at my in-laws, this would not have happened as quickly as it did.

I understand not everyone is lucky enough to be in this situation but this is the norm for all of my family and friends. This is why I will never charge my children board.

Misselthwaite · 19/08/2016 10:39

How do they learn to budget if you don't teach them? My kids are still young but I've already started with pointing out that running water as you brush your teeth is pouring money away. As they get older I will be making sure they know the cost of utilities, food, council tax etc. If they choose to live at home while working full time I will expect a fair contribution from their wages and I know we won't need the money but I'll do it so they understand the value of money. I want them to open a full fridge and be able to translate that into x hours worked at their rate of pay.

AndNowItsSeven · 19/08/2016 10:39

Applejac you couldn't run a car and a mobile on £650 a month!

budgiegirl · 19/08/2016 10:40

He's working let him see some benefit of it!

He is seeing some benefit of it, he gets a room, bills paid, food provided, clothes washed, house cleaned - all for £40 per week! It's an absolute bargain! He still gets £160 per week to go out, drink with his friends etc. I bet that's a lot more than his mum has left over at the end of the week.

budgiegirl · 19/08/2016 10:44

By living at home until I was 21 and then living with my in-laws for one year after marriage (no board), my husband and I were able to save up and buy our first house, and we were fully supported by his parents in this. Had I been asked to pay board at home and at my in-laws, this would not have happened as quickly as it did

That works if you are saving, as you were, and I can understand why parents would not charge in these circumstances ( as long as they can afford to have you there rent and board free). But what if you hadn't been saving, but just spent all your money on going out, phones etc, with no plans to save or move out. Would this still be reasonable? Especially if the parents were struggling to make ends meet?