AIBU to put sons board up

[foxy6]

hi all we have two grown up sons living at home, they are 20 and 19. when they started working we agreed to charge them £25 a week board. this wasn't based on what it costs to look after them or what we lost in tax credits but on what they earned. the oldest has a 0 hour contract and at first wasn't working much so was lucky to earn £100 a week. the other son had an apprenticeship at first so was earning just over £100. however the older son now works more and therefore earns more and the other son finished his apprenticeship and has a proper job, they both earn on average £200 a week. we have asked them to contribute more by upping their board to £40 a week. is this unreasonable? DS 1 is ok with it but DS2 informs me hes going to move out and live with a friend as hes not paying £40 a week to live in the house he grew up in.

I guess we all parent different, mine get lifts, join us for social occasions and come on holiday with us as they are part of the family. That won't end at 18 if they still want to come or need help.

You make it sound like its a huge deal having to give them lifts free of charge or taking them on the family holiday. There's obviously a lot of resentment somewhere.

This is one of the huge downsides of tax credits, people use them to have children they can't actually afford and when the money stops they have to make up their income from their children. At their ages, I'd be insistent they save a decent percentage ready for their first home but I'd want them to be having a lot of fun before settling down.

This is one of the huge downsides of tax credits, people use them to have children they can't actually afford and when the money stops they have to make up their income from their children.

Wow, that's a bit harsh. It's not really a case of 'making up their income', more a case of working adults making a fair contribution to the household costs.

AndNow

My take home pay wasnt always £850, that was a average as i was on a 0 hours contract.

My previous post does go into detail as to why my car cost much more than the average persons car a month to run.

I was 19 at the time and my insurance a month was sky high

Lots of different points of view here!

My parents never charged me rent when I was earning and lived at home. Financially they didn't need to and by that age I was more of a help to them than a hindrance. I bought and paid of groceries, did washing, cooking, housework and some looking after you get children instead.
Because they didn't charge me rent I was able to save more and when it came time to buying my own home I actually had a deposit. I'm very grateful for this.

I however would never have thought it unfair or unreasonable of my parents to ask for money. After all I was an adult with a set wage living in their house, using their electricity etc.

The OP is definitely not being unreasonable to ask for £40 considering all the things she is providing/doing for her sons.

Some people have suggested that tax credits help people to have children they can't afford and that those charging board like this are making money of their children. I disagree.
Adult children living in a house Could cost more than younger children. Especially if they are being feed. They will probably use more hot water for showers, if they have their own T.V etc there will be more electricity.

But what if you hadn't been saving, but just spent all your money on going out, phones etc, with no plans to save or move out.

But I did save, I knew I had to. I knew I couldn't spend al my money. I knew from a young age that I would stay at home until I got married. Whilst at home I wouldn't be expected to pay rent. I was encouraged to save my money and spend wisely. I knew the value of money from a young age and was careful as to how I spent it. I didn't really go out out but would socialise differently with friends. I was able to save and that is thanks to my parents and the culture I have been raised in.

I fully appreciate and understand that this is not the case for all. Many of my friends were made to pay rent. However in our culture, it is expected that you will move out when you are married so in order for that to happen without living with the inlaws for long, you need to save for your own house. I knew I wouldn't be at home for that long. I knew I'd be getting married. I knew I had to save. This is the difference with some young adults. It's different upbringings.

For those families who have adult children living at home, spending their money with no plans to move out - I can fully understand why parents feel they need to charge board. Especially if they are struggling to make ends meet themselves.

Ah ok , I missed you previous post Apple. Education is very important I would go without food before my dc had to leave education.

We never charged any of ours board. We also never charged board when any of their partners have lived with us as they were saving for a house deposit. We were in a financial position to do this though, but many people aren't. The way we viewed it was DH and I own our home therefore we pay to run it and didn't expect the children we chose to have contribute. I'm happy to report they all manage to budget. I'm glad we never charged any board as they all now own their own homes and was nice to see them get on the property ladder.

When my DH lived at home with his parents and brother once the boys started full time work my in-laws worked out the cost of all the bills per month then charged them one quarter of it each.

I was payed board from 17. I wasn't asked to pay board, However it was a source of pride to be able to contribute to the household. I had seem my family struggle in the past.

Moved out at 20 into my own house. I would find it embarrassing being subsidized by parents.

**paying board

Apologies for the typo

YADNBU!
Obviously everyone saying it is U to charge board is living in a differently reality to you as they don't need the money. However, common sense says you're hardly going to profit from that small charge with 2 adult males in your household. Eating, electricity and water aren't free.

Btw, your DS1 sounds amazing, both in that he realises you might need more help financially and that he is happy to share with your 9 year old. I would try and give him the room even if DS4 might have some sleepovers on the floor, at least he will have his own space.
I'm sure DS2 will grow up and face reality at some point but until then hope he enjoys the generosity of his friends.

I also find it strange that people think charging rent or board or whatever you call it, is not helping your adult children budget for life. Of course it is if you take the time to explain. You'd be doing a disservice otherwise.

And if DS2 ends up begging to come back, he can then have a turn sharing with his little brother.

thanks you all who understand.

Dragons there is no resentment towards my children we love and support them all and enjoy their company. i pointed out about the lifts etc as you seemed to think we weren't supporting them, as some examples of what we do to for them. but i'm not going into anymore detail about what i have done for my children and how i'm going to continue to support them. you've made it pretty obvious that whatever i say it is going to be wrong.

as for whoever made the comments about tax credits. we did not have our children to get money for them. if that was the case id be claiming DLA for my youngest who has autism. but i see what i do for him as what a parent should do. my husband was made redundant a left us reliant on my wages that needed to be topped up with tax credits. once the boys left education that dropped by approximately £150 as week for which i only asked back off them £25 each. if it was all about the money then i would have wanted £75 each.

we are going to decorate the room and let DS1 move into it, just need to come up with strategies in the mean time for getting DS4 to sleep on his own

I had to give my mum half my wages from my first paper round, first Saturday job and all subsequent employment.
This was standard for all of us.
She was raising us by herself and income was limited and the money we put in the pot probably helped very little.
When I left home I was instantly paying 50% of my wages on rent and living costs and was fine. My friends were suddenly skint and out of their depth. Mum was able to give me money towards the deposit on my rented place from the money she had saved that I had given her.
I didn't get it all back but I did get help that was unexpected. As far as I was concerned the money I paid in 'rent' to her was completely justified and paid for all the utilities and food I was using. She never took advantage and always went without things she needed and put us first.
I will be charging my DS board (not 50%) if he is not in full time education and he will also be paying for his own phone and any car costs if he has them. I don't need him to and can afford not to charge him so I will save the money for his future but he will not know about it. I think Foxy is definitely NBU. Some people are born into a home where the parents can afford to support everything they want financially and some are not. I was not but I never went without and I also learned to manage my own income and outgoings before I was out their on my own. If my DM was fortunate enough to be able to afford more I would like to think she would have done the same thing as it taught me valuable skills.
My OH was brought up in a house where everything as done for her and when she left home didn't have a clue about most practicalities in life despite being very intelligent she lacked the 'street sense' of living away from home. It was a hard lesson for her and she has said that she wished she had been told to do more at home.
My home will always be DS home where he can come back once he leaves and I will always support him and help when I can but I see my job as a parent to make sure I send a responsible young man into the world who has the best chances of supporting himself in the future. Much in the same way that I have taught him to use a washing machine, cook, clean and iron, these are all life skills. An adult has responsibilities if they are at home or in their own place.

This is one of the huge downsides of tax credits, people use them to have children they can't actually afford and when the money stops they have to make up their income from their children.

What a load of bollocks.

Tax credits didn't come in until the 2000's and there's plenty of us on this thread that paid board as working young adults.
Paying your 'keep' once you start paid employment has been a thing for hundreds of years.

I didn't claim tax credits with my kids, I could & can 'afford' them - but they'll still be expected to pay their way when they're working.

I moved home after uni as I was unemployed for a while. I was claiming JA, which was around £37 per week In those days. I had to give my parents £10 a week, plus do the cleaning and ironing. I'd rather have kept the extra £10 but it was certainly much cushier than finding my own house, being on benefits, and I certainly never complained about it to my parents!

Tell them both you'll leave it at £25 p/w but they will buy their own food...sit back and enjoy when they realise how much a block of cheese is

Some of the posts on here are shocking to me! Adult children in F/T education that will lead to a job should be definitely supported. As an aside really, I cannot stand people who expect to live rent free with their parents whilst working F/T, sponge off them and then claim they 'saved' for a deposit. No you didn't- you sponged off your parents and they effectively paid for it! The most entitled and unrealistic (regarding money) people I know always seem to show off about this as if it is an achievement. Anyway I digress OP you are not being unreasonable at all. Paying board is the first baby step in managing money. If you don't really need it, then putting it aside to eventually give back to them once they leave is a lovely thing to do. If you do need it though, you need it. Unless a parent is making a profit- equally disgusting- it really should be expected. At 21 I was paying £250 a month, paying for a car/ phone and most of my food. I also helped a lot around the house. This was payback for my parents supporting me from day one and propping me up throughout uni. I think I got the far better deal by a 10000000% and cannot imagine ever resenting them for it. It would have been met with disgust to be honest if I had argued about it and rightly so.

I haven't read the whole thread but tell them that they can stay at their present rate of board but that you will no longer do all the housework, cook and clean for them, make sure that ds1 uniform is clean for his job and give them a lift to and from work without charging of fuel.

All of those additional services shall be charged for at the going rate, they will soon come around.

Things have moved on a bit, Persian, I'd read the thread.

I do wonder why people think they can test their parents so badly. I was happy to offer rent to my mum when I started working. The money wasn't needed by my parents but their is a certain shame in nit paying your fair share.

Dragons get real!

Losing £100 per week is a huge amount when you are already living on one wage. Tax credits are there to help people who have low wages its a fact of life not the ops fault.

Asking two working adults to contribute to the household bills is normal and I cant imagin why they wouldnt. All these years of being supported (and as op said they are continuing to support them in other ways) surely now its their turn to help out at home if they chose to still live there. They will be eating more, using more utilities as adults than they ever did as kids, its not fair to expect to keep all their money to indulge themselves and expect someone else to pay for all the nitty gritty.

Its doing them a favour (as the son will sharp find out when he moves out!) you cant expect them not to learn to budget, learn the cost of actual living if you shield them from it until the day they move out.

£40 is not unreasonable at all. I paid my parents £80 a month when I lived at home 10 years ago from my part time wage. I wish I still had it that easy! My council
Tax alone is more than than that.

YAB totally U! £40 a week is a lot of money to live in your own home, I even think £25 a week is far too much!