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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to put sons board up

221 replies

foxy6 · 17/08/2016 15:46

hi all we have two grown up sons living at home, they are 20 and 19. when they started working we agreed to charge them £25 a week board. this wasn't based on what it costs to look after them or what we lost in tax credits but on what they earned. the oldest has a 0 hour contract and at first wasn't working much so was lucky to earn £100 a week. the other son had an apprenticeship at first so was earning just over £100. however the older son now works more and therefore earns more and the other son finished his apprenticeship and has a proper job, they both earn on average £200 a week. we have asked them to contribute more by upping their board to £40 a week. is this unreasonable? DS 1 is ok with it but DS2 informs me hes going to move out and live with a friend as hes not paying £40 a week to live in the house he grew up in.

OP posts:
SpiceLinerandHoneyLove · 18/08/2016 08:02

I'm amazed that people pay their children's car insurance and tax and phone contracts. I paid my parents £200 a month from the first month I got a full time job. My outgoings were also my own responsibility!
Perhaps I'm out of touch (at 32) but how is paying for cars and phones for children a good idea? What happens when they do eventually move out? I'm genuinely curious, not being a gf.

LellyMcKelly · 18/08/2016 08:05

If he can find somewhere he can move into for £40 all in, tell him I'll move in with him!

chibsortig · 18/08/2016 08:05

They are working adults why shouldnt they pay towards keeping a roof above their heads and food in the cupboards as well as utilities these things dont come for free.
£40 out of £200 a week is nothing really he'll soon find that out when he's paying the bills at his friends place just because he can stay rent free doesnt mean they wont start asking him for money towards food and other bills soon.

OliviaStabler · 18/08/2016 08:08

DS2 informs me hes going to move out and live with a friend as hes not paying £40 a week to live in the house he grew up in.

Tell him to go on then. He's have one heck of a shock.

StillRabbit · 18/08/2016 08:10

Earning adults should definitely contribute to the household. But, I left home at 18 because it was cheaper to buy a whole house with my boyfriend (now DH) than give my mum her ridiculous idea of a fair rent! £600 pm for room and weekday evening meals. Weekends and all toiletries, laundry etc were NOT included. When I got a tv in my room she wanted me to pay half the TV licence too (although there were four people in the house).

Did me a favour though as I am now mortgage free and can afford to help DD to go to uni (hopefully - results today), I was supposed to go to uni but couldn't as I was expected to pay my own way.

DH used to pay a nominal rent to his Mum and she gave him a lot of it back as she had saved it up and he used it for our moving costs.

expatinscotland · 18/08/2016 08:15

'I got a job in a restaurant and hated it, but worked all hours to earn good money, while I ran my own business from the side. If my parents had decided to just raise my board because I could afford it, I would have been seriously upset, because our dream of having our own place would have been so much further away.'

And what would you have done if you hadn't had parents who were able to keep an adult for free/a pittance?

My parents still own and live in the home I grew up in. The deed to it is in their names. It's their house, not mine. I wouldn't dream of living in it as an adult and not paying for my keep as best as possible (if I were in a job).

expatinscotland · 18/08/2016 08:23

foxy don't apologise! Lots of people in the real world cannot afford to keep an earning adult for free in a home. Plenty of people also have to downsize when their kids go to college or uni because their rent is too high and they lose tax credits/child benefit/housing benefit. And stop doing everything for them! WTAF? This is how people become useless.

eddielizzard · 18/08/2016 08:27

isn't the point of bringing up children so that they can stand on their own two feet? if they're earning, they contribute. it's a valuable life lesson.

ds1 should have his room as he's now paying more, but a craft room sounds rather good to me.

Gingernut81 · 18/08/2016 08:28

Definitely not being unreasonable! My parents charged my brother about the same 10 years ago. I think DS is going to be in for a shock when he moves out! Grin

cexuwaleozbu · 18/08/2016 08:28

Yanbu - obviously it is right for children to live freely while they are in full time education but once they are an adult capable of earning then it is right and responsible parenting for the free ride to stop.

Everyone expands their expectations of the minimum acceptable standard of living to fit their actual income. You would be doing a disservice to any young adult allowing them to live for free and treat all their income as disposable. It will make it more difficult for them to reach a point of being able to live independently.

PovertyPain · 18/08/2016 08:36

I take £10 a week off my oldest, as he doesn't work, but he buys most of his own food and helps me out with my youngest who has SN and my small business. The money is a drop in the ocean, but it covers the internet and a few days of electric. It's important to me that he contributes, as this isn't a doss house.

AliceInHinterland · 18/08/2016 08:41

YANBU - you are not doing any favours subsidising an adult who is not investing in their own future (eg in education or saving for a deposit). In fact I think you really need to make them help around the house, it's not acceptable to let your parents skivvy for you just because you are paying towards some of the bills. Does £40 a week even cover food for one of them?

dangermouseisace · 18/08/2016 08:52

YANBU at all. People who say that they were hard done by when their parents charged them rent are BU. You are struggling and the 40 you take I imagine will not even cover the food that 1 adult eats, let alone gas, electric, rent etc.

CatNip2 · 18/08/2016 08:54

My DS paid £20 a week board and moaned. He then got a job working away with paid living accommodation, he was delighted and smug he wouldn't have to pay the massive £20 a week board.

He spends at least £30 a week now on his own food Grin

dangermouseisace · 18/08/2016 08:55

except stillrabbit your mum was definitely OTT

expatinscotland · 18/08/2016 09:01

And yy, if you'd wanted to profit you'd have kicked both of them out and got lodgers in the rooms or put the rooms on AirB&B or the like.

MangoMoon · 18/08/2016 10:21

My mum charged me 30% of whatever my wage was (back in the early 90s).
I moved out at 18, but had to come back at 20 for 6 months until I moved out again for good.

She didn't tell me at the time, but she was saving it all - then when I moved back out she gave me it back again so I had some extra cash for moving elsewhere.

I will be doing the exact same with my boys I think.

user1471506417 · 18/08/2016 11:18

YANBU at all. £40 a week is still a Bargain.

clare2307 · 18/08/2016 11:56

I think £40 a week is definitely more than a fair amount. While it would be nice to support adult children if you can, you definitely shouldn't have to struggle to pay bills and treats while adults in employment spend hundreds on life's luxuries!

TheWernethWife · 18/08/2016 13:06

When any of my children started work I took a third of their wages - none of this "it's their home" malarkey, they needed to be responsible adults and pay their way. None of them grew up to be in debt, they knew the value of money, it doesn't grow on trees.

apostropheuse · 18/08/2016 15:34

OP they're getting a cheap deal there. I left home in 1985 to get married and was, all those years ago, paying £40 per week. I think I was earning about £650 per month at the time. I had no issue with paying that amount as a few of my contemporaries were actually paying their full wages to their parents and receiving "pocket money" back!

My parents didn't ask for anything while we were in full time education, but as soon as we were working we had to contribute. They both worked hard all their lives, but didn't earn a fortune.

Adults are entitled to pay their own way in life.

m0therofdragons · 18/08/2016 15:42

My parents did a percentage rather than amount as my db was a Cambridge graduate so the assumed he'd earn more (reality was I earned more through promotions but that's not relevant). We paid 10 percent for board so any pay rise would also be reflected and meant db and I had the same percentage of our earnings left over although they were different amounts.

Vickyyyy · 18/08/2016 16:02

DS1 should absolutely have his own room if he is paying board and there is an option for him to have his own personal space, IMO anyway.

I expect an apology from DS2 in a month or so when he realises that he actually had a pretty sweet deal back at home Grin

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 18/08/2016 20:16

Unless relying on state help, people don't lose money when their children turn 18. Wages are not based on the number of children.

Expecting a lot of board for a shared room in your own home is wrong, I'm not even comfortable with charging even if they have their own room. As a parent its our job to provide for our children, once they leave they are responsible for themselves but when here it's mine. Budgetting is not just learnt through paying parents, it can be taught in many ways.

As for charging them to attend a wedding as a family, do people really do that. Wash their hands of all financial costs for their child once they reach 18? Sounds like the children are made to pay for parental choices in life.

gamerchick · 18/08/2016 20:22

As a parent its our job to provide for our children, once they leave they are responsible for themselves but when here it's mine

Do you have a cut off age, or 50 yr old still living with you not paying their way is ok? I'm just curious to where people's cut off point is.