AIBU to put sons board up

[foxy6]

hi all we have two grown up sons living at home, they are 20 and 19. when they started working we agreed to charge them £25 a week board. this wasn't based on what it costs to look after them or what we lost in tax credits but on what they earned. the oldest has a 0 hour contract and at first wasn't working much so was lucky to earn £100 a week. the other son had an apprenticeship at first so was earning just over £100. however the older son now works more and therefore earns more and the other son finished his apprenticeship and has a proper job, they both earn on average £200 a week. we have asked them to contribute more by upping their board to £40 a week. is this unreasonable? DS 1 is ok with it but DS2 informs me hes going to move out and live with a friend as hes not paying £40 a week to live in the house he grew up in.

Let him go. it will be a huge shock to the system for him to realise he can't survive on £40. As soon as my ds started working we asked for 25% of his wages as board. That meant if his wages fluctuated as he was on a 0 hours contract he always had some money to himself.

......but he bought all his own clothes, paid his bus fare and later for his car, got himself through his driving test and didnt once have to ask us for money.

He is now 20 and in the forces. He left home and actually thanked me and dh for doing that and not handing everything to him on a plate. It set him up for the real world and taught him the value of money. Everything he now has he appreciates. He has grown to be a very mature young man.

I will also be doing this for my dd's and will tell them to leave if they dont like it.

£25 - £40 a week is too much to cover food, electricity, having someone do their washing, heating, internet, tv, baths/showers, getting lifts here there and everywhere, clean house etc??

They get to keep £160 to themselves!!

I work and dont have that much left to spend on myself a month never mind a week!

OP do you actually need them to pay board? If you do, them YANBU, however I do think you are BU if you don't and you feel that because they earn more then they should pay. If you were a private landlady everyone would be up in arms if you were pricing rooms this way.

I remember when my we were still living at home my now husband was charged 400 per month (he had a good salary) by his parents. He ate dinner there twice a week (one usually a full family Sunday lunch thing). Didn't eat any lunch or breakfasts from their food and spent every other evening at my parents (sleeping over) or out at sports clubs. As he was at mine near enough full time, I did most of his washing bar the odd sports kit. Eventually I ended up paying more of a deposit on our first flat to get us out. His parents took such a large chunk of his salary that he wasn't able to save in the same way I could.My parents didn't charge me rent (though I contributed to the food shop and paid the odd small bill) as they said financially they couldn't help us move out with a loan or gifting me money towards a deposit, but they could help me this way. I know which parent I would rather be when the time comes.

'£40 a week is a lot of money to live in your own home'

It's not their home. It's owned by their parents. My parents still live in the home I grew up in. I don't consider it mine. It's not. I never paid the mortgage on it, paid for insurance on it, repairs, upkeep, decorating, new appliances when the old ones broke, updating, etc. The deed is in their names.

Like ivy, I'd feel ashamed if I were an adult earning a FT wage and not paying my own way in life. What a leech and a sponge. How embarrassing, behaving like a school kid. £25/week is a pittance.

I remember when my we were still living at home my now husband was charged 400 per month (he had a good salary) by his parents. He ate dinner there twice a week (one usually a full family Sunday lunch thing). 'Didn't eat any lunch or breakfasts from their food and spent every other evening at my parents (sleeping over) or out at sports clubs. As he was at mine near enough full time, I did most of his washing bar the odd sports kit. '

No one was forcing him to do this, you know. He was free to find a flatshare, a bedsit, rent a room as a lodger. And he was fully capable of doing his own washing.

Nice that your parents were able to keep you and your boyfriend. Lots of people can't and quite frankly, I'd find myself feeling a bit of a failure if my adult daughter was washing her boyfriend's clothes in the family washing machine or if she felt that sponging off others was a good exchange in lieu of someone handing her a house deposit on a plate.

I left school at 16 during the Thatcher years. High unemployment etc.
Dole money was the same amount of money as you got for doing a Youth Training Scheme. (£27 a week I think). I thought it was slave labour and was planning on signing on if I couldn't find a job.
My dad simply stated. "If you go on the dole digs will be £20 pw. If you do a YTS it will be £10pw."
Safe to say I went on a YTS. It was a good one too. Did an outward bound course as part of it and had 10 days in Germany too! I'm still in a similar career too!
My parents needed the money. I didn't grudge it. It was part of growing up.

YANBU and he is not being unreasonable to move out. He's 19 it's a positive thing.

I don't think there is one size fits all here.

One DC came home after uni and stayed for some time. We didn't take any board because we didn't need it and, living in the SE, it made more sense to allow them to save as much as possible so they could put down a deposit / month's rent in advance on a room share in a flat- (in central London that can be a couple of grand.) and it enabled them to move out more quickly and be independent.

Other parents we know who didn't need the money took 'board' but secretly saved it so that when their DCs moved out or said it was towards a deposit to buy them (the DCs) a house eventually.

OP I think you need a proper conversation about how much food you buy for him (more than £25 a week I expect) and how his use of electric etc adds up.

I'd not jump to use your son's room for anything else- not sure where you live, but if his earnings are £800 gross, he may well find it hard to fund a room on that. You certainly couldn't in the SE where rents are around £500-£1000 for a shared house.

You say he's an adult- well, legally yes, but 19 or 20 is still very young for lads- many are very immature at this stage. (I'd also be trying to tell him to give up the fags, but that's another issue....)

I have often wondered what I would do in this scenario. At the moment we wouldn't need the money if they worked (too young right now), however I would insist they contributed in other ways. ie did their own washing in a timeous fashion, cleaned their rooms, took their turn at buying, preparing and cooking a meal and obviously were responsible for the costs of their phones, transport etc. I would provide the roof over their head, but I would also hope that we would have taught them the value of saving money so they would be building a nest egg. If they weren't prepared to contribute to the family in these ways, then they would be charged the going rate of living away from home with a cleaner.

If we did need the money I would tell them that and treat them like the adult that they probably think that they are.

I am astounded at some of the nastiness on this thread! Of course they should be paying and £40 is a bargain!!

YANBU
There comes a time that you have to contribute...and that time is when you start earning. If your D.C. is 18 and working they should contribute
It's not about whether the parents need the money or not. It's about supporting yourself and starting to become independent.
I was really happy to be able to contribute to my parents home because I was brought up to appreciate what I had and respect that my parents worked to provide what I had.

My ex husband paid his mother a small amount of board money but she used to buy all his clothes, which I thought was stupid...He became my ex because he had no idea how to be responsible with finances and ran up loads of debts because he wasted money and was an entitled twat.
Your job as a parent is to teach responsibility and self respect.

Letting them sponge off you just because they grew up in that home s stupid. Let go FFS.

Make them pay a reasonable contribution based on their circumstances. Like pp you can always save for them for when they move out or need for some other big purchase.

We have had a similar discussion with DSS (21) He has currently got a broken foot so not earning and was not able to claim sick for various reasons so he said he had fallen out with GF and had nowhere to live. So we let him come home to sort himself out/claim SS find his own place. He stayed 1 night and was back with GF but wanted to have all his stuff here, post here and come and go as he pleased (stopping DD from having a playroom) and us being entitled to a reduction in Council tax due to single adult occupancy. As soon as he received sick benefit DH asked for a contribution based on the extra cost as we are only on a low income. He hasn't been back since except to collect his post. Basically he was taking the piss and doesn't want to be responsible for his actions and we are not rich enough to be taken for mugs.

All kids do this, but no YANBU, at this age I was actually paying £50 a week.

I'd be wary of him having his post sent to an address he doesn't live at as it may encourage him to commit fraud. If he's living with his girlfriend his post should go there, especially if he's claiming benefits.

Believe me, you don't get any thanks for being lenient with them!
My poor mum had my 2 grown up brothers living with her and she charged ZERO rent. They were both working in good jobs, one a vet the other an IT technician!
And were they greatful? Not in the least - they complained that she never had 'nice' food in the house and had to get takeaways constantly. Also, that she never washed their clothes often enough and they ended up wearing the same clothes 2 days in a row!.
But mum and dad wouldn't listen to me when I insisted they charge rent, even though I always paid up when I lived at home.
They were devastated when the older guy moved out, wondering how he would manage!
I kid you not!
15 years later, I am happy to say they are responsible married men with children. But I can't imagine what a shock it must have been when they moved out and had to pay rent, bills and food!

Ok, so I'm going to go against the flow of opinion here, but I'm not so sure about charging youngsters who are still living at home. I think it completely depends on circumstances, obviously - you might really need the money, you may want to disincentivise them living at home ;-). However, I'd be reluctant to charge my daughter anything but a token as I feel like her costs of living will be MUCH higher than mine were, in terms of housing, uni tuition, travel, stable(ish) employment, food. I still had a grant in my first year of uni and buying a first home wasn't too difficult on a low-ish wage (last of the 100% sub prime mortgages!!! ) I think I'd encourage and help her to save instead. If I want to teach her life lessons about 'contributing' I think jobs around the house would be better.

Dorisdog, that was my parent's thinking!

Wasn't the rule of thumb - Spend a third, save a third and a third for rent/board?

I'm with you doris in that one size doesn't fit all. I think money can be waived in lieu of help around the house- gardening, car washing, cleaning etc- if parents don't need the money- or taking the money and saving it.
Both my DCs ran cars from being able to drive- old bangers- but they contributed towards the cost and eventually bought their own (bangers) and paid for the insurance and repairs. It wasn't an option not to as we are rural and no public transport. After paying for these and their student loans there wasn't a huge amount left and we'd rather they saved it so they could be independent sooner.
But if you need their cash that's different.

Many years ago it was the norm for grown children to live away from home but send part of their wages back to their Mum to help with the family costs. I recently learnt that my SIL had to send half her wages home even tho she was living away before she married. That seems very unfair now but I am amazed at how many on here think that adult children who are earning should still be supported completely by their parents.
I know some people who can afford to support their DC's take some keep and save it so that it can be given back to the DC when they eventually leave home.

Foxy, you don't have to explain yourself. Paying your way is part of growing up and it's not like you've left him hard up. Each family does things their own way but the majority are agreeing with you. Keep smiling

My first wage was £26 a week (1980). My mum got £10.00 (for my keep and food - although I got my own lunches for work). It never bothered me.
I worked with a lady of 36, still lived at home earning 24k a year. Take home was same as me, about 1600. She gave her mum £100 a month and her mum worked part time in ASDA to pay the bills.

Hmm, I'm not sure. When I had my first job after graduating, I lived with my parents and earned 125 a week and didn't pay anything towards board. I had a massive student overdraft and a student loan to pay off so I think they preferred I tackled that. I did cook regularly and do my bit around the house. They didn't need the money though so I think it depends on that, and if you think your son is taking it for granted.

When both ds have baleen off work injured, ds 1 a broken thumb and ds2 a broken collar bone. I didn't charge them anything then as their income reduced a lot.
Ds1 is a lovely boy and will help when asked and baby sit for us. He does somehow seem to spend his leftover pay as apposed to saving, I don't know what on as he's not out like ds2 drinking every weekend. His work shift times have just changed so he will require a lift either to work or home everyday he is working, as busses don't run that early or late.
Ds2 is completely different to ds1 and has a great big chip on his shoulder about everything. He has moved to his friends. We let him have the bed, and TV that belong to the room. Everything else in the room was brought for him so is his. It will be interesting to watch him manage. I doubt his friends girlfriend is going to be happy cleaning up after him and washing his clothes. He complained that we were not feeding him when food was cooked for him however he would come home, complain he didn't want that and get himself a pot noodle and microwave burger.

He won't leave, however if he does, you shall save a fortune and he will learn valuable life lessons....everyone's a winner