To think that sleeping around is perfectly fine?

[Kikibanana86]

Ok so I have had my fair share of one night stands, flings, relationships, oh and a marriage!

I've had quite a "good time" since my separation last year, and my close friends are very supportive and usually eager to hear the gossip!

I don't want a relationship as I have children, my house, career prospects etc and I love being single. I do however have a high sex drive and I do like male attention so I have quite a few friends with benefits and I still do all the tinder/pof stuff too.

An old friend I don't live near anymore made some quite judgemental comments about what I was getting up to and it surprised me, as none of my friends are like that and actually admit to living vicariously thorough me

So I was thinking about it, and why do some people think it's wrong to have casual sex with as many people as you like as long as it's consensual, you use protection and you're not cheating on anyone?

I can't think of any reasons why? Where does it come from? Religion? Keeping women in their place?

People at work telling me all about their sex lives I would judge as weird over sharers!

This is a depressingly reactionary thread. The OP has never indicated that she forces the details of her sexual encounters on her colleagues, is worried about being judged by her partners, puts herself at undue risk, is made to feel 'joyless and empty' by ONS, has MH issues or is unhappy. A certain subset of the replies seem to resent her for having an unproblematically good time with multiple partners while not risking her children's happiness, and (this seems to key point) for not keeping schtum about it when asked, as if it's the ultimate guilty secret.

I appreciate that some posters have clearly had very different experiences of no-strings-attached sex, and felt empty/used/judged - but why project that onto the OP? My own (now a long time ago) experiences of casual sex were overwhelmingly positive - going to bed with different people was just terribly interesting, people are so different - but I didn't rush about urging the monogamous to throw off their chains because I had figured out this great thing and you were a total knees-together loser if you didn't try it.

And personally I would far prefer a conversation about someone's recent sexual encounters than the TV soaps/new kitchen tiles/hilarious activities of my toddler talk that some people appear to think is the sole appropriate range of subjects.

I don't think 'sex as a hobby' is that far off the mark, actually, Helmet! I think it was certainly among my hobbies at one point, and didn't make me feel 'used' any more than tango classes or hillwalking.

I am not in the least minimising anyone's more negative experiences of casual sex - you feel how you feel - but I think it would be worth people unpicking if the reason they felt 'used and empty' was because they had been taught this was the appropriate female response to casual sex, because women are supposed to need an emotional connection, commitment etc before awarding the 'prize' of sex to a man?

I was just wondering how you would react if your children male or female were sleeping with multiple partners as they got older. I think there is something in us that would react against that and be worried about them. Could you happily say you wouldnt care if your kids were engaged in very casual sex say at 20 onwards? If that would concern you why?

I don't tell my friend about my sex life and I don't want to hear about theirs - none of my business as long as no one is being hurt in any way.

why someone has such low self regard for themselves

But why does having a lot of sexual partners indicate low self-regard?

If it makes you happy OP, do what you want/need.

It's not something I would do and I'll be honest and say that the idea of men or women being promiscuous, or however it needs to be dressed down/up, isn't something I feel envy about. I think it sounds a little cheap. I realise I'm being judgemental obviously, but that's ok because everyone makes judgements.

Comedy, just in case my post was one if the ones you take issue with:

I think the OP can shag about and tell who ever she wants. I'm not projecting, just responding to a post where someone said they had slept with 80+ people and got negative comments at the time which she felt were patriarchal. I was merely saying that you don't have to be a product of the patriarchy to not want to sleep around.

As for unpicking why ONSs left me empty? I just did that in my last post I think. I said I am a very spiritual person and that I only enjoy sex with someone I have a deep, spiritual connection with. For me, not for the OP or you perhaps, that simply needs to be someone who I know, love and respect. Of course it's perfectly possible to have a connection with someone you don't know well, just not for me, or at least that has never happened to me; not just talking about sex here, but just in day to day life. Someone up thread said they loved having sex with new partners as it is like seeing their essence. I sort of agree and there are few people in this world who I want to know that intimately or who I would like to know me that intimately.

If you just like the physical act of sex then that's different, but I think reducing it to just physical fun would diminish the pleasure of it for me personally.

Helmetbymidnight & ComedyWing

sex as a hobby.

That's sums it up, was a hobby both my DP and I had separately before we met and through lots of talking, honest communication and trust it's a hobby we still share! LOL.

We research clubs, hotels and forums together. We chat up couples together and we play together. It's fun and brings us closer together. We find it it entertaining, thrilling and have had some great experiences and some meh ones. Like going to a restaurant that turns out t be a bit crap and you think won't go there again or one that exceeds expectations.

I was just wondering how you would react if your children male or female were sleeping with multiple partners as they got older. I think there is something in us that would react against that and be worried about them. Could you happily say you wouldnt care if your kids were engaged in very casual sex say at 20 onwards? If that would concern you why?

Personally, as long as my child seemed happy (ie they weren't sleeping around to try to make themselves or someone else happy or for approval), everything was completely consensual (including being explicit that it was a ONS/FWB arrangement) and they were practising safer sex then I would have no problem with it whatsoever.

Oh and as long as I wasn't having to make small talk with multiple different partners over breakfast

Generally, YANBU - your life is your business. It sounds as if you've been lucky though and have seen men that treated you well. I've had various casual situations too but some didn't turn out so well and some of them were abusive. That's probably due to my not so finely tuned twat radar though.

If they are clearly not woman haters and respect you and do the same for you as you for them and respect your boundaries then it's fine and it's not for others to judge.

I would worry a bit. I had good (older) friends in the swinging scene when I was in my early twenties, They often invited me to parties and I declined every time. I hadn't got the resilience then and was interested in a future with a family kids etc. Would have fried my younger self's brain.

Now I am late 40's and have the maturity & internal self-worth to deal with it all. My kids may be doing it for all I know!!! If I found out then I hope we could talk about it and it's effects should there be any. Wouldn't want to share stories though.....

No, Stevie, you sound like you've thought it through and are clear about your own motivations - my issue is only with those people who are unthinkingly parroting patriarchal ideas about virginity (or, these days, an appropriately small number of sexual partners before some form of monogamous commitment) as a sort of currency that women are supposed to hoard or be 'cheap'. Or the equation of lots of sexual partners with unhappiness when surely it could equally be seen in the abstract as a sign of confidence and a liking for new experiences?

Want, your post made me laugh because it brings me up against my own personal 'eww' - the idea of swinging makes my blood crawl, not out of any negative judgement on those who do it, but because it all sounds so relentlessly social and collective. But maybe I was unusual in that I was a bit of a hermit who liked casual sex with minimal socialising

ComedyWing It's our Ewww too! Many a time we have gone to club and declared well he/she's talked themself out of it! DP is not a social type. Luckily many clubs are set up with a social area and a 'let's just get down to it' area or 3 .!

We definitely didn't want to do the social side as banal chit chat with others isn't our thing. The unforeseen side of swinging is that DP has found himself to quite enjoy chit chat that's about sex and ends in a bj .

Could you happily say you wouldnt care if your kids were engaged in very casual sex say at 20 onwards?

Huh? I hope they do. I certainly hope DD and DS don't commit to monogamy at say, 20, because, (IF they take after their mother!) this would make them unhappy in the long-term.

I agree with you, Comedywing.

I would worry more about my child getting married at 20 than being safely promiscuous at 20, definitely.

It's so much easier to be better at sex if you've had a bit of variation to practice on and learn from! and personally I think experience of a range of intimate and sexual encounters gives you a bit more self awareness/confident and can act as a protective factor against abusive relationships (not against them starting necessarily but having the confidence to get out).

However I have been sexually assaulted and raped so I have The Fear. I don't think it's logical but there it is. My earlier posts suggesting the friend may be reacting through fear weren't trying to support her viewpoint just present a non-judgey possibility for her reaction.

The fanny/kebab comment would have left me fucking livid though. I'd probably have made some over the top comment about oh don't worry about that, birthing children has left me with a gape of black hole proportions such that they don't even just use their penis to fuck me but their whole fucking leg, then called her a stupid ignorant twat and left. I am not mature about body shamers, I mean, you have to get down to their level to have an impact.

Be careful and remember Ted Bundy.

Ted Bundy always rears his handsome head on threads like this.

It wouldn't be for me OP, but if it works for you, go for it.

We should remember Ted Bundy, and we should also remember the 2 women a week in this country who are murdered by their husbands and boyfriends.

Helmet - you can avoid going off with a stranger more easily than you can avoid someone you know well. More children are murdered by their parents than anyone else, but the advice is still to avoid strangers.

"The OP has never indicated that she forces the details of her sexual encounters on her colleagues"

She said that colleagues have asked for details. Does this include all colleagues within hearing? There may be people present who do not want to hear it. This happens where I work. In fact, nobody asks for details but one woman volunteers them anyway.

Be careful and remember Ted Bundy.

Christ almighty. What does he have to do with anything? That's like saying 'don't visit your GP, remember Harold Shipman'.

Some depressingly regressive attitudes on this thread.

"personally I think experience of a range of intimate and sexual encounters gives you a bit more self awareness/confident and can act as a protective factor against abusive relationships "

Sorry, but I don't accept that for one second.

If one were to avoid strangers all ones life, then the only people one would ever communicate with would be ones parents.

That wouldn't work for me.

My main concern is whether the men you meet on tinder or pof could turn violent towards you. How do you know they are safe and whether they are STD free?
But that very obviously ISN'T your main concern Custard
Your main objection is a moral one, and you hide behind the safety argument because you know the moral argument is weak.
Everyone has the right to set their own moral standards, as long as it's all involving consenting adults.

Whatsshe0naboutnow I wonder how the odd fling can be fine but sex with various men would leave you feeling used and empty? At what number/regularity does it go from fun to pointless?
If you accept that sex without an emotional connection can be fun, then you have to accept that lots of sex without and emotional connection can also be fun. It's a personal preference of how much is enough.

Surely a healthy attitude to sex involves you knowing what you want and communicating that clearly to the people you have sex with, ensuring consent and satisfaction.
That applies whether you have a lot of casual sex or are in a long-term relationship. There are plenty of people in long-term relationships who are still not achieving that.

That's like saying 'don't visit your GP, remember Harold Shipman'.

If one were to avoid strangers all ones life, then the only people one would ever communicate with would be ones parents.

She said that colleagues have asked for details. Does this include all colleagues within hearing? There may be people present who do not want to hear it. This happens where I work. In fact, nobody asks for details but one woman volunteers them anyway.

Maybe you could put up a sign indicating that you own the airspace in the room and that forbidden topics include casual sex?