To think that sleeping around is perfectly fine?

[Kikibanana86]

Ok so I have had my fair share of one night stands, flings, relationships, oh and a marriage!

I've had quite a "good time" since my separation last year, and my close friends are very supportive and usually eager to hear the gossip!

I don't want a relationship as I have children, my house, career prospects etc and I love being single. I do however have a high sex drive and I do like male attention so I have quite a few friends with benefits and I still do all the tinder/pof stuff too.

An old friend I don't live near anymore made some quite judgemental comments about what I was getting up to and it surprised me, as none of my friends are like that and actually admit to living vicariously thorough me

So I was thinking about it, and why do some people think it's wrong to have casual sex with as many people as you like as long as it's consensual, you use protection and you're not cheating on anyone?

I can't think of any reasons why? Where does it come from? Religion? Keeping women in their place?

Anyfucker I didn't mean it like that, but my friends that I talk to are kind of stuck with people they aren't particularly happy with, especially sex wise. I'm not denying there's happy couples out there

I suppose there's the idea of 'using' someone

You have understood that both parties in a no-strings sexual arrangement are using each other equally, by equal agreement?

It can go wrong, yes. Any interpersonal agreement can go wrong, regardless of duration. The risk of getting hurt may even be less in a very short-term and blatantly equal situation.

"You have understood that both parties in a no-strings sexual arrangement are using each other equally, by equal agreement?"

Yes, but sometimes people kid themselves about only wanting something casual.

'Best' case scenario - both are using each other, that's still using someone though.

Worst case scenario is something like a FWB where one person develops feelings, but the other is using them. I accept that can happen within a formal relationship as well of course.

Well, they're using each other much as dancers & comedy duos use each other, Gwen, or absolutely any other activity performed in a team of two.

Most people know when they've started wanting more, or a different kind of team performance.

As you've said, other risks are the same whether you're holding out for emotional commitment or not interested in that. And plenty of long-term relationships start out as one-night stands :)

As with most things it just depends what you want out of life. Although if I was your friend I might not want to hear about it because the thought of other people having see makes me squeamish.

Ive done it in the past and didnt cope with it very well afterwards. But i recognise this is because im too well socially conditioned.

I also have a huge irrational fear of pregnancy.

OP - I don't think YABU for now and I can see how multiple partners might be a less complex option than a "new man" given that you have children. Personally, I could not think of anything worse for myself though and I do find it difficult to understand why women would put themselves in this position. Yes, you like sex, but don't we all?

I had a friend when I was about 30 who spent years picking up random men for sex. She constantly filled us all in on the details - how she felt "liberated" by her lifestyle, etc. To me, she just came across as inherently needy and, rather than liberated, she was just giving men exactly what they wanted. She is still single today.

I think if most women are totally honest, they would say that having sex with various men would be utterly pointless and likely to leave them feeling used and empty. If that sounds judgemental, I'm sorry about that. The odd fling is fine, but for most women (and hopefully men) sex is far more than a recreational activity.

YANBU.

I'm convinced that the existence of the clitoris, and the female orgasm, means that sex is undoubtedly meant to be do fun. And that we humans have put all these totally arbitrary rules in place, and ruined it for everyone. Religion has a lot to answer for.

As long as you're safe and consensual, it's nobody's business, but yours.

I slept with up to 80 men before i married. Can't remember the exact number. For context i was attractive, lively, not into fetish sex, middle class and worked in the city in project management. Hardly a femme fatale.

I also married a husband who knows but didn't care. We have been married for 16 years, have our DCs and a well ordered , happy life. I am on various committees and you would have no idea that i was once so wild.

I was judged at the time, mostly by women, but didn't care and now understand the 'nice girls don't, for the patriachal tool it is.

One particular friend ( one of my closest in fact) could not her head around it and she is bright ( Masters at Cambridge). I would hear gems such as 'no man will marry you' etc. When i married at 30 and she remained unmarried she has occasionally become bitter, that i had the social prize of being a wife and she doesn't ( DH is not a fan).

This thread is intetesting, as attitudes around women's sexuality haven't really changed post 60s. It is a patriarchy and if you have assets, there is a pervailing shaming of women to ensure that assets remain within families ( no unwanted pregnancies). Some cultures take it further and segregate and cover women to do so but we certainly have our own version.

It is very interesting.

Jesus. That was epic, sorry!

This is the reason there's a huge rise in STD's.

I know you say they are away at the time, but if they found out they'd be mortified

So women are only supposed to live their lives in ways that their children would approve of? What patriarchal bullshit.

My kids would be mortified if I danced in public, did karaoke, went out in fancy dress, or a whole host of other things. Am I supposed to not do anything fun even when the DC aren't there just in case they find out and it mortifies them?

Anyway, why do we assume that the OP's children (or anyone's children) would be mortified? If you haven't brought your children up to be judgmental then why would they be mortified by someone having consensual, safe fun?

I was frequently tested and was clean as my DH who had had 3 lovers before me.

whatson the bit in your post about giving men exactly what they wanted doesn't sit right with me, why do people say this as if sex is some sort of chore we go through for men's benefit only?

sofa I enjoyed reading your post very interesting! I do think that it seems to be other women that judge us the most, out loud at least!

It wouldn't be for me I'm afraid because I would get too emotionally invested but I certainly wouldn't judge you for it. What I would judge you for I'm afraid is talking about it at work which I think is unprofessional and a bit meh whether others are asking for the details or not. Save that for friends outside work.

Ps and I would think that about anyone sharing that sort of info at work, male or female

YANBU. Slept with over 20 men before DH and I'm glad I did. Sometimes it hurt, most of the time it was fun. As long as you use protection than there shouldn't be an issue.

There are of course risks with meeting anyone from online dating sites, mainly because you have no idea who they are. There is of course a risk you could be putting yourself in physical danger, a greater risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease.......the biggest danger is that the thrill of meeting new people who are so keen on you that they must really like you /proof that you are attractive, actually transpires into they don't give a jot about you and would basically shag anyone ( and are probably in a relationship anyway )
If you think you really are happy to have sex with out safety or feelings then go for it

OP dont kid yourself. Men judge too.

Probably more so than women. In my experience anyway. As I said previously I have done what you are doing. I also have had plenty to male friends I didn't sleep with. They didnt necessarily know my views on casual sex.

But they did have views on women who sleep around. They did share their stories of ONS and casual hook ups. And did tell me 'she was fit as fuck/fantastic in bed/stunning' etc. But usually when I asked if they would see her again or if things were getting serious the answer was usually 'nah, she's a slag/too nice to the lads/bit of a slapper' etc.

Men do judge while they are happily screwing around. They don't stop to think of the double standards. Many don't anyway.

My very lovely DP who I have done some pretty random stuff with, knew as a fwb years ago, did the clubbing scene at the same time as me and has had lots of sexual partners has absolutely no clue how many partners I have had. He would be shocked I think. And would probably judge a little bit.

So don't kid yourself that who you are having sex with don't judge you. They will. And don't kid yourself that the people you discuss this with don't judge you. They do.

It's not right or fair. And I don't think things have changed much in the last few hundred years but that's how society is. It's how we are brought up to think.

Just enjoy your fun. Say goodbye and then keep your business to yourself. That way you won't get judged.

Absolutely nothing wrong with it as long as you are being careful std and pregnancy wise. I personally struggle to let anyone get physically close to me without knowing them and being officially with them but don't know why I feel like that and certainly don't criticise people who don't feel like that. In fact I envy them a bit.

I think froubylou is right. It isn't fair, but it is the way of the world. From what 16 year old DD says, they judge the boys as much as the girls.

I had a period of this before I met my DH and I'm not sure, looking back, whether my head was in quite the right place. God it was fun, I learnt a lot, I had a regular FWB but it was all a bit empty and I think you have to be very very mentally strong to cope with it.

I just wonder OP if - because you have posted this - there's just a niggling thought in your head too?

I am certainly not judging - been there, done it, got the T shirt. However, I would hold back on telling everyone, everything because whilst they are all laughing along with you, thinking you are fab for going for it - inside their heads there will be people who are judging you. For some, what they say to you and what they think might be two different things

Someone I knew for a few years had your healthy attitude to sex. But over the years, she pushed the boundaries more and more until what he was doing was a mixture of dangerous and immoral. Sex became a drug to her and getting that high became far more difficult. Just one bloke she'd meet off the internet wasn't enough, she needed more thrills. I won't go into details here of what she was up to because it was too much and it's a bit identifying. Needless to say, I was shocked (and OP I was no saint in my twenties and nothing much shocks me). So there we go, there was me judging someone. She lost the plot, I think her self esteem got worse and worse because of all these blokes using her and to prove she rocked and had self esteem she got into a vicious circle of more and more thrills.

So OP... enjoy yourself, make the most of this fun time, but leave it at that... just a bit of fun and every now and again stop and reset everything to make sure your emotional wellbeing is robust enough for all of this

What she was doing. My friend was female.

I hate the 'nice girls don't' type comments and yes, that does have a whiff of patriarchy about it. I was not considered a 'nice girl' when I was younger though I didn't happen to sleep around.

It probably doesn't need to be pointed out, but the antidote to the patriarchy is not having sex with as many men as possible. Have sex with as many men as you want to; for me that wasn't many, and the couple of one night stands I had made me feel down and empty. I'm quite a spiritual person and I really love sex with a man I have a real connection with. For me that simply has to be someone I know, love and respect. That doesn't make me a repressed product of the patriarchy; quite the opposite I think. I have autonomy over who I sleep with just as much as someone who chooses to sleep with 80+ men / women.

Also, even when I was at uni (early noughties), it wasn't considered cool at all for men to sleep around. Tbh it was just a bit sad when some men I knew had a different partner every weekend and had forgotten their names by the next. They got the piss taken out of them and not in an admiring way. I'm not saying that is right either, but I just want to reiterate what pps have said about this not necessarily being a male vs female thing.

I didn't sleep with enough men before I married dh!

I really liked having sex with new people- I didn't find it pointless but really interesting, fascinating even I do miss that incredible sense of discovery you have with a new partner/it's like finding out someone's essence!
It wasn't just casual sex, it was often a casual dinner as well.
I wish I could still do it, as a hobby really, but unfortunately dh wouldn't be thrilled!
So I think carry on while you are enjoying yourself op.