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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that sleeping around is perfectly fine?

379 replies

Kikibanana86 · 15/08/2016 20:16

Ok so I have had my fair share of one night stands, flings, relationships, oh and a marriage!

I've had quite a "good time" since my separation last year, and my close friends are very supportive and usually eager to hear the gossip!

I don't want a relationship as I have children, my house, career prospects etc and I love being single. I do however have a high sex drive and I do like male attention so I have quite a few friends with benefits and I still do all the tinder/pof stuff too.

An old friend I don't live near anymore made some quite judgemental comments about what I was getting up to and it surprised me, as none of my friends are like that and actually admit to living vicariously thorough me Grin

So I was thinking about it, and why do some people think it's wrong to have casual sex with as many people as you like as long as it's consensual, you use protection and you're not cheating on anyone?

I can't think of any reasons why? Where does it come from? Religion? Keeping women in their place?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kikibanana86 · 16/08/2016 12:54

I don't shag all of them just the ones I fancy!

OP posts:
Original poster
Kikibanana86 · 16/08/2016 12:55

Itsmine you sound so much fun Grin

OP posts:
ConfuciousSaysWhat · 16/08/2016 12:56

I'm jealous. In reference to the earlier post about not feeling empowered...bollocks. I used to love sleeping around it made me feel wanted, desired it actively BOOSTED my self esteem. It was fun. I didn't have to put up with all the crap that comes with living with a man but got all the fun bits. With modern technology as it is (I met dh before all these sites and apps got big) you can hook up with someone who is into the same things as you are meaning it's not just a quick fumble but you're both getting what you want.

I see no negatives to this.

Lottielou7 · 16/08/2016 12:57

I think the person upthread who said that even the men you are sleeping with are judging you is quite right actually. It's wrong of course, but I've seen that attitude myself.

I don't tell anyone how many people I've slept with any more. It's not a lot in my opinion but some people think it is. Further more, it's not something I feel the need to ask a new partner anyway. It's irrelevant really. Those people are in the past.

RestlessTraveller · 16/08/2016 12:59

It completely msogynist double standards which are unfortunately imposed a lot of the time by other women.

Just look at some of the responses on here;

"Low self esteem"
"Seeking approval"
"Vulgar"
"Ted Bundy"

The 1950's called it would like it's judgements back.

squoosh · 16/08/2016 13:00

I think the person upthread who said that even the men you are sleeping with are judging you is quite right actually.

Why does everything have to come down to what the men think? As if their opinion on things is the true measure of whether something is acceptable or not.

PopFizz · 16/08/2016 13:00

I never really did this when I was single, simply as I didn't like the idea of having a guy I don't know in my house, or going to theirs. (safety aspect)

However, in both long term single phases I had a fuck buddy. Which many people were (and still are) anti. They worked for me - they were both people I fancied, but I knew them well enough to trust them etc. Both of them I met through mutual friends.

itsmine · 16/08/2016 13:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KickAssAngel · 16/08/2016 13:03

Depressingly I've realized that if I knew someone who was doing this my main concern would be how do they get enough sleep? Aren't they tired for work the next day?

I'm getting too old and tired even to go to the pub for a couple of hours in the evening without feeling like death warmed up the next day. And my knees are too fucked up, there are many positions that I just couldn't do. Jesus, I'd be asking them for a hot cocoa and a cuddle instead of good sex.

If you have the energy, go for it.

Sallystyle · 16/08/2016 13:06

I couldn't do it. I would fall in love with them all.

However, I quite admire those that can have lots of sex and not fall in love with them all and get hurt.

It sounds great fun.

itsmine · 16/08/2016 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squoosh · 16/08/2016 13:09

itsmine you've made your point. Several times. Why do you keep trying to kick the OP?

Lottielou7 · 16/08/2016 13:10

'Why does everything have to come down to what the men think? As if their opinion on things is the true measure of whether something is acceptable or not.'

I didn't mean that - I just meant that it's unfair men don't see women equally. They are doing the same thing as you but don't accept it.

Whatsshe0naboutnow · 16/08/2016 13:10

Squoosh - I'm not saying that what men think matters more - just that women who sleep around should be under no illusions about what the men are very likely to be thinking (whether they admit to this or not). It's very naive otherwise. Personally, I wouldn't give men the satisfaction, but each to their own.

itsmine · 16/08/2016 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 16/08/2016 13:14

just that women who sleep around should be under no illusions about what the men are very likely to be thinking

I presume that the women they are sleeping with are also judging them. Clearly as not relationship material, or they'd not be having them as ONS or FWB.
Surely it works both ways.

squoosh · 16/08/2016 13:14

That would be great.

NeedAnotherGlass · 16/08/2016 13:14

Anyone can have casual sex just why not limit it to a couple of people?
Because that could then become a relationship. And why the hell should she? How many is too many?

It also can't be good for your emotional health to sleep with strangers. Sex is such an intimate act, do you not feel sad and empty the next day?
Not everyone links the physical act with any emotional connection. It's very possible to enjoy the physical act of sex with a complete stranger.
And would you think the same of a man?

Whatsshe0naboutnow your last post is just adding to the hypocrisy.
You think that these men will not want to settle down with someone who has previously been a "slut", so does that mean that the women should change their behaviour to keep themselves pure?
Or maybe we should challenge that attitude in men?
And who would want to settle down with someone who held such misogynistic attitudes towards women?
If my DH had judged me by my sex life before we met, we would never have got married!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/08/2016 13:14

Are you wanting a bunfight, OP?

Just asking because it's ok for you to so whatever you want to do, to think whatever you want to think about sleeping around... as much as you want, till you're bow-legged and beyond if that makes you happy.

Conversely, it's just as much ok for others to think that it's not ok to do it so they won't do it. They don't need to explain themselves anymore than you do.

iloveeverykindofcat · 16/08/2016 13:15

I hope not because I don't want to be a steady relationship right now, and I bloody love fucking.

It's just misogyny. I feel sorry for people with hangups about sex.

squoosh · 16/08/2016 13:15

I'm not saying that what men think matters more

You may not think you are but it reads like that. The OP wants sex from these men, not a joint mortgage and membership of the National Trust.

Sallystyle · 16/08/2016 13:15

how many of these male FWBs will eventually want to settle down with a woman who tells him she's had an untold number of sexual partners?

Why should she tell anyone how many people she has had sex with in the first place?

DH doesn't know how many people I have had sex with.

I did ask DH when we first got together and I was being an insecure idiot. He gave me a rough number but then said he didn't want to talk about it. He was single until he met me at aged 29 so I assume he had a fair few more than he originally told me, but that isn't my business and I haven't wanted to know since. It's not important.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/08/2016 13:19

... and as for what men think. Whatever they do think, it clearly matters very much to some women. You can't turn it the other way around because it just doesn't work that way in reality:

Man sleeps with woman on first date - man thinks woman is easy or not, wants to see her again, or not - it's the woman who largely places importance on what the man thinks, not what she herself thinks of him in the same position. Lots of women bluster about it, swaggering around and saying 'it doesn't matter what he thinks'. Some of those women will actually believe what they're saying - others won't and will feel angst, shame or self-denigration. They shouldn't but they will and do.

You can try to make this genderless but it just isn't. Women are not the same as men. Men are not the same as women.

RestlessTraveller · 16/08/2016 13:20

Top comments on here! I lover he Ted Bundy/Harold Shipman comment Squoosh

birdsdestiny · 16/08/2016 13:20

It's just numbers though isn't it? So I might think 25 people shagged is ok but 30 well that's just too many. So defining promiscuity is one more person than you are prepared to sleep with . It's ridiculous to judge someone on this. I think people do judge though as evidenced by this thread, and by the horrible comments from your friends. You either have to be prepared to deal with that judgement or keep quiet, unfortunately you can't control how people think Grin. I had a Fwb for a long time, didn't tell anyone, that was part of the fun. I loved the fact that no body knew where I was or who I was with.

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