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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DM at birth

189 replies

MermaidTears · 14/08/2016 10:28

Am I the only one who thinks it's so so awkward to have your mum at the birth?
I banned my mum the first two times, now pregnant with a third and she's back to hinting at her 'last chance' to see a grandchild be born.

She had my dad and nan (her mum) with her when she gave birth to me and doesn't think it's weird at all.
I just cannot get past the idea of my mum seeing me naked or partially naked and with my vagina fully on show. I just find it fucking odd!
When I was pregnant with my first my mil actually assumed I might want her there. I couldn't help but laugh when she said it, just no!
Anyway almost all my friends and school mum friends had their husbands and their mums. Is it just me who finds it so weird, or do I just not have that kind of comfortable relationship with my own mum?

OP posts:

Wondermoomin · 15/08/2016 10:22

Ewwww no thanks. The point of having people there with you is for support, not for an audience! So you choose whose support you want, and everyone else gets to wait for the phone call with the news. I'm with you on this, don't feel pressured by people who want to "watch".

ohdearme1958 · 15/08/2016 10:42

s all about the entitled dm or mil saying she wants to see her grandchild born rather than supporting her dd through a fairly gruelling time

I didn't once ask to be present at the births. And i never assumed I'd be at a subsequent birth. But I was because that's what my girls wanted. And with my 6th grandchild born 3 months ago my DIL's mum was there as well. She managed to make the journey to where we live and it was A beautiful experience seeing her help her daughter have her baby.

contrary13 · 15/08/2016 10:47

I have a hugely difficult relationship with my mother... but she was the only one there (apart from my midwives) when I had both of my DC. I didn't really want her there when my youngest was born (I actually wanted to give birth completely by myself), but she insisted on staying as, apparently, if anything went wrong, she'd need to advocate for me. Which, I guess, was a fair point.

My ex-P was travelling when our daughter was born (even though she was massively overdue, so he could have returned in time... he simply chose not to, until she was two and a half) and when our son was born 8 years later, by the time my waters actually broke, he'd decided that the whole thing was "too tiring" for him so had gone back to his parents 12 miles away for "some decent sleep". Yeah. I'd been in labour (contractions) since 0425 the day prior to my son's actual birth... what I wouldn't have done for "some decent sleep" at that point...!

OP, just trust your own instincts. Giving birth is something that is intensely personal and, because it puts you into the most vulnerable position you'll probably ever be in... it's vital that you feel in control of what's happening. Even if, really, you're not. So if you don't want your mum there... don't have her there. Looking back at my son's birth, I do regret that my mother was there - but at the same time, I'm also glad that I had someone to hold my hand during the tough bits, who knew when I needed help, and who knew to brusquely tell me that I could carry on, even though I was quite adamant at one point that I'd had enough and my son could just stay where he was, thanks...

PiggyPlumPie · 15/08/2016 11:00

DM was with me for DC3 - home birth. She was brilliant, took over rubbing my back so DH could do other stuff. Both of them were great in fact.

But in reality it could have been the postman rubbing my back for all I cared!

Afterwards though, seeing my mum hold my new daughter, the three of us eating toast and drinking tea in the early hours of the morning, wouldn't change it for the world.

If you want your mum there then fine. If not, then that's fine too.

Original poster

MermaidTears · 15/08/2016 15:03

ohdearme did you not see my second post?

OP posts:

headinthecloud · 15/08/2016 15:16

I would have loved my mum there but my hospitals policy was just one birthing partner.
It's a personal choice however and there is no right or wrong. You do whatever suits you.

Mummyp83 · 15/08/2016 17:24

I really didn't want my Mum at my first birth, she was desperate to be there and DH wanted her there too but they reapected my wishes. Then when I was in labour I asked DH to call her twelve hours in because I really wanted her there. She was amazing support to me but you should definitely only do what feels comfortable to you and have whoever you feel would be most supportive to you.

elh1605 · 15/08/2016 17:27

My mum was down to be my birthing partner with my husband as I couldn't imagine not having her there. In the end I ended up with emergency section-she sat in the family waiting room and saw dd within the 30mins of her birth. I have a very close relationship with my mum.

FortyFacedFuckers · 15/08/2016 17:29

My mum though she would be there when I had DS but I wasn't comfortable with the idea but my sister had my mum & dad with her which I thought was even weirder.

aspoonfulofyourownmedicine · 15/08/2016 17:42

I'm quite close to my mam but I didn't have her at the birth of my DS. For one, it happened a bit quicker than anticipated but secondly, I never planned for her to be there anyway - my nanna was there when I was born, but for me, just no! If I had another child, I would still feel the same way. I had my husband and 2 midwives (one student midwife) but then this consultant guy came in with forceps and a giant pair of scissors - I definitely didn't see that coming!

Both of my parents were outside of the delivery suite and were allowed in 10 minutes after he was born, so she saw him almost immediately after he'd been cleaned/weighed and dressed anyway and missed the gory parts of him being removed from my nether regions with a giant pair of salad tongs.

Back to AIBU? No, you are most definitely NOT bu

TooBusy4TV · 15/08/2016 17:50

I would have liked my mum there, she's given birth 4 times and would be excellent. However I think my husband would have felt pushed out and surplus to requirements so I just had him (plus two midwives to myself) and he was excellent

awesomeness · 15/08/2016 17:53

your not weird about it at all. don't let her pressure you! it's your baby coming out of your hoo ha, you do it your way!

I had mum there for my first only because my ex had disappeared......literally vanished and resurfaced 4 years later

2nd and 3rd I had my partner there, last one my mum had to dash to hospital because they lost me at one point

but I wasn't bothered about mum seeing me

my friend had her adoptive dad there, her mum died few years ago when she was 17 and she had stayed with him as he was her only family aside from a few distance relatives and he formally adopted her when she was 22, her husband was stationed overseas, and her dad hasn't been seen for donkeys years, I looked after her other children whilst he stayed with her. she said it was the best thing she ever did and didn't feel weird as he's been around since she was a year old, she had known him longer than she had known her mum sadly.

but end of the day it's your birth and don't give into her hinting or guilt trips

DaveGrohlsMrs · 15/08/2016 18:20

Hell no! We virtually had to push my mum out of the delivery room or she would have been there! Don't get me wrong - she hadn't been pushing to be there to see her first grandchild born, she just hated to leave me (her baby) in the state I was in! I was adamant though that I wanted it to be just hubby and me in there. In fact I hate that HE had to see me in that state, never mind my mum! Fortunately MIL wasn't an issue - she was perfectly happy to visit once baby was born! Don't feel pressured - it's not prudish I think it's a very personal moment between you and whomever you choose to share it with.

euromorris · 15/08/2016 18:24

I didn't want my Mum there, not because of nudity (I'm not bothered about that), but because a) I feel it's something that should be just DH and I and b) she would do my head in with all the fussing and worrying when things didn't go smoothly.

For the same reason I made it clear that we wouldn't be telling anyone when I went into labour, but would let them know as soon as baby was born. DM was not happy about this and kept asking me to tell her.

As it is, I was booked in for induction due to being so overdue and so we told both DM and MIL. DM was a nightmare, as predicted. Posted about my induction on my fb page. When I asked her to remove it, she got arsey and unfriended me. Also got arsey when she didn't get hourly updates! I was a little busy! The whole process took almost 4 days and ended in a c-section.

Even then I still got arsey comments when she came to visit me in hospital, and she also got upset that she couldn't be the one to announce the birth on Facebook!

She doesn't seem to realise how much stress she added to the whole thing. Only that SHE was worried the whole time! She's negatively, irrevocably, changed our relationship. I spent a lot of time during, and after, the birth upset and crying because of her behaviour and comments. But she still doesn't think she's done anything wrong and feels justified because, again, SHE was worried!

Thissideof40 · 15/08/2016 19:11

God no I couldn't think of anything worse. My mum mentioned a couple of times when I was expecting DD but I said no way. She didn't mention anything when I was expecting DS. My mum and mil sat out in the waiting room when I was in late stages of labour with DD and every so often I'd get a mw pop in to say 'can the mum's come in yet?' to which I shouted no. Thankfully she was on babysitting duties when I went in with DS so it was a more relaxed atmosphere without mothers waiting outside to come in.

champagneplanet · 15/08/2016 19:19

I really wanted it to be just DH and I as our special moment but felt awkward as within our circle quite a few people had their DMs there for their births. I broached the subject with FM and luckily she was dead set against it, said it was our moment and she couldn't think of anything worse than having her mother there when she give birth! I was so relived! I do genuinely believe it's for the couple, especially if it's a 'normal' relationship, ie: you're together in a relationship, he doesn't work 400 miles away, etc.

JacquettaWoodville · 15/08/2016 19:48

No one I know had their mums.

Ohdearme, OP's mother has criticised her body. Don't you criticise her posts for being dramatic, hmm?

JacquettaWoodville · 15/08/2016 19:49

Not that the OP was dramatic anyway!

Thewrongcheesegrommit · 15/08/2016 19:57

I have a very close relationship with my mum; she once had to finish off a home bikini wax bodge job (I couldn't pull a second time!!)

I still wouldn't want her at the birth. For me, it's such an intimate and emotional thing between me and dh, I wouldn't want someone else there (apart from hospital staff) to get in the way of that.

Ragwort · 15/08/2016 20:00

I've never heard of anyone having their DM or DMIL at the birth, (apart from a very young relative who was no longer involved with the father of her baby ) seems to be quite common on Mumsnet though. It is not a spectator sport. My parents lived miles away and DM didn't visit until I had been home for at least a week - when DH was back at work so that she was able to be a practical help.

Obviously it is everyone's choice but you shouldn't feel pressurised into letting her be at the birth unless you really want her there.

I can think of nothing worse than being asked to be at any future grandchild's birth. .

mumeeee · 15/08/2016 20:05

Yanbu. I just had my husband with me at the births of all 3 of our DDs.
I actually hadn't heard of anyone having their mothers with them until I read it on mumsnet. I would have felt very uncomfortable.

MrsKoala · 15/08/2016 20:09

I don't know anyone who had anyone other than their partner there. I would have been quite happy with my mum there tho. We are still happily naked in each others company and just last week she trimmed my pubes for me and had a look at something for me in a very intimate place (i am pregnant and haven't been able to see myself for a few months now).

But i think of birth as a special and intimate time with my DH and our newborn.

FramptonRose · 15/08/2016 20:26

It all depends what type of relationship you have with your DM.
I had my DM and DH with me in my first labour (I would have had my nan if they had let me) I am very close to my family especially my mum and nan, thy are very calm under pressure, very supportive without being at all pushy and have a great relationship with my DH.
I like to keep calm under pressure so wanted my DM there to keep me that way, my DH is a bit of a panicker.
I have a friend with a DM very much like mine, she had her DM present when she gave birth.
I have another friend with a really pushy mother who assumed she would (and should) be there, my friend pratically had to ban her from the hospital, it caused a huge row and was a stressful time for her.

sjmama12 · 15/08/2016 20:32

It's entirely up to YOU who you have at the birth of your child. You are not being unreasonable or over the top. It's an emotional and personal time. I only wanted my oh there. I couldn't imagine anyone else being there at such a personal time.

A lot of my friends are in their 40 ' s and have never had a parent there. My friends in their 30's some did but most didn't. Think its quite a "new" thing. Not knocking it if that's what the mum to be is comfortable with. It has to be the woman's choice though and she needs to be totally comfortable. Never feel bad about telling someone no.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 15/08/2016 20:35

I don't know anyone who didn't have their mum/another relative there!

I had my mum there as well as DP. Nothing to do with her wanting to see her grandchild born and everything to do with me being 19 and terrified, DP being incredibly nervous and emotional and both of us wanting her there because she stays calm under pressure and has been through it before.

I'd like her to be there for the next baby's birth too, if we can find someone to have DD. I'd have her there in a heartbeat, it was amazing to get to share that with her. And I didn't give a shit that she was seeing me naked or whatever, it barely even registered with me that I was naked until the fourth or fifth person came in to attempt stitches and I said to them "everybody else has seen my vagina, you might as well too"

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