DM at birth

[MermaidTears]

Am I the only one who thinks it's so so awkward to have your mum at the birth?
I banned my mum the first two times, now pregnant with a third and she's back to hinting at her 'last chance' to see a grandchild be born.
She had my dad and nan (her mum) with her when she gave birth to me and doesn't think it's weird at all.
I just cannot get past the idea of my mum seeing me naked or partially naked and with my vagina fully on show. I just find it fucking odd!
When I was pregnant with my first my mil actually assumed I might want her there. I couldn't help but laugh when she said it, just no!
Anyway almost all my friends and school mum friends had their husbands and their mums. Is it just me who finds it so weird, or do I just not have that kind of comfortable relationship with my own mum?

[MrsCharlieD]

I had my mum there but we are close and she was a support for dh as well as me as we knew ds was going to be born with a birth defect. I will probably not have her there when dc2 comes as she is the only person I could leave ds with when I'm in labour but I do feel sad about that.

[middlings]

I barely wanted DH there to be honest although I get he would want to witness the birth of his children. DD1 was born in the middle of the night and DD2 in the early morning meaning he was relatively cranky both times!

My mother (to whom I'm quite close)? Hell no.

[GrannyHeadology]

I am very close to my mum, best friend close. But there is no way I would want her with me whilst I have birth

[Whatsername17]

For me, I needed my dh to be the one to step up and be my support. And he was, in bucket loads. He was brilliant. He laughed with me, supported me, fetched and carried, kindly informed me by watching the monitor when my contractions were coming . I think he forgot I could feel them! When dd was born he announced that she was a girl. He cut the cord and held me whilst I held her and kissed us both. He turned to me as I was pushing and asked me, in pure astonishment, 'how are you doing this?" It bonded us even closer. My mum is wonderful and we are very close. However, she would have taken over. She would have been telling me what to do based on what she did. It wouldn't have been new to her whereas it was for us. My mum and mil never put pressure on me beyond a 'I'll be there if you want me to'. It's not a spectator sport. You are only going to have that experience a handful of times. Do it the way you want.

[Hagothehills]

I had my mum at my son's birth but only because she is a fantastic and very bolshy when she needs to be nurse and not afraid to tell doctors to back off.

It's also very reassuring for me to have her back them up when they are right, because many times she has saved patients lives when they have been wrong.

I wanted her there as an advocate so that on the off chance I got a shitty midwife or consultant she could challenge them. She actually did challenge one of them who just 'had absolutely no buisness being anywhere near pregnant women' and I absolutely could not have done that myself.

Dp sticks up for me but never challenges medics. My sons birth would have been very very different without her support protection I'm sure of that.

That being said, if I ever had another I'm not so sure I would need her there in the same way, I think I would probably be less easily intimidated so could tell rude and pushy staff to f off without too much hesitation

I also would absolutely in no uncertain terms would have had her anywhere near me if we didn't have the excellent relationship that we do, nurse or not! So I really do understand why some women don't want their mothers with them

[Castironfireplace]

I didn't, none of my friends did either. However, one thing we did notice was that those ladies giving birth who did have family constantly milling around were treated much much better by the midwives & spoken to with kindness.

For poor buggers like myself who spent lots of time on their own we were spoken to like dirt and generally left to the bottom of the pile (which in my case miraculously changed as soon as DH or my consultant rocked up).

I remember one lovely episode where I'd had an emcs the day before, DD still in scbu and I asked the midwife where the breakfast room was. She smiled and said 'you do realise we don't give waitress service so you will just have to go and find it won't you'. It was like they enjoyed being nasty as what was I going to do about it? I could barely walk never mind anything else. I left as soon as I possibly could. They were just horrid. But those who had mums, sisters etc all about they were lovely to, fussing around, the works.

So swings and roundabouts really, but think about what she could bring to the situation perhaps just by being 'around' maybe.

[museumum]

I don't know anyone who had their mum there.
I had Dh and mw but both ended up largely leaving me alone as I was quite ok in my own wee world in the pool. They just drifted over every so often to check, say something banal but reassuring and keep my drinking water topped up and freezing cold (I found the birth pool very hot).

[Hagothehills]

She was also an a&e nurse for 20 years so is the dog's bollocks at handling stressful situations and calming people down who are terrified and in pain. She'd make a great doula

[PrincessHairyMclary]

DDs dad was there because I felt it was important despite not seeing him for 3 months previously and my mum was there.

My biggest concern was if I swore infront of her (my issue not hers, she always says I'm too prim and proper) not even the nakedness thing we have a "what happens in he delivery room stays in the delivery room pact and things haven't been any different since.

Mothers have supported their daughters through labour for thousands of years it just felt natural to have her there as I became a link in a chain instead of the end.

[FellOutOfBed2wice]

I'm very close to my Mum but didn't want her anywhere near my births! She totally understands why too- it's a weird blurring of boundaries as far as we are concerned.

My best friend is a midwife and actually wrote her dissertation on distress/problems in labour associated with women having their mothers in the room. Apparently there's a high correlation as women become more passive and less likely to feel they're strong enough to do labour "properly" and defer to their mums. This becomes even more the case when their partners and mothers are both there. Interesting.

[Justwanttoweeinpeace]

My mum was at my DS's birth and I'm really pleased she was.

Practically DH can be a bit of a panicker so she was partly there to support him.

It was also brilliant to have my mum there with the midwife. She explained how fast her labours had been and a few other things about family medical history that really helped.

But also, it was just a fantastic bonding experience for the three of us. DS is the only grandchild she saw being born. We had a pretty rocky relationship when I was a teenager and she really appreciated that I trusted her enough to ask her.

And the embarrassment? If I can pop in the bath in front of DH I can do it I front of my mum! Also I may or may not have mentioned taking drugs in the nineties, whilst off my face on gas and air. She hasn't told me off for it yet

[OptimisticSix]

I have e a great relationship with my mum but no to having had her there while I was giving birth. I can't explain why, just wouldn't have worked for me. I have friends who've had their mums and sisters and Dads...

[orangebird69]

Yanbu OP. The only reason I let dh in for the birth was because he'd never given birth, obvs, so couldn't tell me what to do/advise me and he agreed that he would STFU and not cheerlead me.

I didn't even want the expectant grandparents from either side in the hospital until after ds was born - the thought of them sat in the corridor waiting for it all to happen annoyed me immensely. Possibly irrationally too. And after the labour I had, stitches and blood EVERYWHERE (who knew 400ml of blood could go so far ), there's no way they were coming in anytime soon after the birth anyway. I had ds at 2pm, DM and Pils visited at 7pm. That was perfect.

[Bee182814]

My 'D'M was as DS's birth. We're now NC with her because of the fuss and interfering and general bad atmosphere she created during an already stressful labour and birth. If friends ever ask me I always recommend keeping it between you and your DP at the birth where posiuble.

[NickMarlow]

I had an ELCS so not actually experienced labour, but never considered having anyone but dh.

I definitely wouldn't want my mum there. Afterwards, yes, but not for the birth. If dh couldn't be there, the person I'd be most comfortable with is my sister. She lives 5 hours away and has kids of her win so unlikely to happen!

[Luckystar1]

Op - slightly off topic (and no, I absolutely and definitely would not want my mother at birth!) but I have 2 DC the youngest is 10 days old.

Neither of my births have been undignified and both times I had water births with nothing on show. I was completely aware of everything the entire time and I absolutely would've minded who was in the room etc. Sorry that's just to reassure you in case earlier comments worry you! I appreciate of course, it's not the same for everyone.

[sexyfish]

I definitely wouldn't want have wanted my mum with me during my labours. She would have added to my stress levels rather than reduced them.

Only one friend nearly had her mum with her because her husband wasn't sure he could cope (different culture/ personal reasons and her mum is a retired nurse) but he managed fine in the end.

hagohills did your mum actually say this to a member of staff?
'had absolutely no buisness being anywhere near pregnant women'
Telling staff what you are/ are not comfortable with is one thing but that it incredibly rude (if she did say that).

[MrsRhubarb]

Nope, not just you. There was no way I was having DM with me. She made some comment while I was pregnant which made it clear she expected to be asked to the birth. Her own mum has passed away when she was a teenager, so I think she really wanted to give me what she didn't have. But no. She would have been a nightmare.

[daisypond]

I had no idea people often had their mums with them until I saw the One Born Every Minute programme. It didn't ever occur to me when I had my DC and it certainly wouldn't have occurred to my mum. Besides, she lives 300 miles away, so not entirely practical anyway. I didn't even have DH with me at all for the first birth - I didn't want anyone there at all apart from the midwife.

[Chocolatefudgecake100]

Idk about everyone else but i wasnt completely naked when giving birth
Id a gown on and when the time came to push mum wasnt gawking at my nethers lol i found it a comfort

[hertsnessex]

i only had my DH, wouldn't have wanted anyone else TBH.

[emmantfc]

You should only have whoever will be most supportive - this is one time it's perfectly acceptable to be selfish and you don't have to consider anyone else's 'right' to be there.
Having said that, my Mum was at the birth of my DS and she was MAGNIFICENT - she was massively reassuring for DH as well as me, and they were a brilliant support team between them. We're all much closer as a result, and her bond with DS is beautiful.
The nakedness thing worried me a tad beforehand and barely occurred to me at the time as I was so desperate to get in the birthing pool.

[originalusernamefail]

I have loooong labours 72 hours and 36 hours respectively so DM and DH tag teamed to make sure I always had someone with me. DS2 arrived during changeover so my mum was there with me. I couldn't care less about what I looked like tbh, but it's about what your comfortable with.

[ohdearme1958]

OP I've been at the birth of all 6 of my grandchildren. Three times as a mum. Three times as a mother in law.

Are you unreasonable to be so against it on a personal level? No. You're not. But I do think your feelings regarding it all are way over the top.