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AIBU?

DM at birth

189 replies

MermaidTears · 14/08/2016 10:28

Am I the only one who thinks it's so so awkward to have your mum at the birth?
I banned my mum the first two times, now pregnant with a third and she's back to hinting at her 'last chance' to see a grandchild be born.
She had my dad and nan (her mum) with her when she gave birth to me and doesn't think it's weird at all.
I just cannot get past the idea of my mum seeing me naked or partially naked and with my vagina fully on show. I just find it fucking odd!
When I was pregnant with my first my mil actually assumed I might want her there. I couldn't help but laugh when she said it, just no!
Anyway almost all my friends and school mum friends had their husbands and their mums. Is it just me who finds it so weird, or do I just not have that kind of comfortable relationship with my own mum?

OP posts:

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ohdearme1958 · 15/08/2016 04:04

Apologies. I had wanted to say that the way the OP describes her feelings in her OP are over the top. Not that her feelings are.

And that's the thing about this subject everytime it comes up. The over dramatic posts made by those who are anti the concept. But given how it's not really any kind of big deal anyway I suspect the OP's have to exagerate their post in order to make a post out of it.

OlennasWimple · 15/08/2016 04:15

My DM was with me when I went into full labour, took me into hospital and stayed with me until DH arrived. She was the first visitor in and held tiny DS before he got taken into SCBU. For me, that was the perfect balance of involvement but privacy, even though none of it was actually planned

seven201 · 15/08/2016 05:52

I don't know anyone who had their mum there. My mum's dead but if she were alive I couldn't imagine much worse than her being at a birth! I had a planned section but still wouldn't have wanted her there. Do what you want.

pearlylum · 15/08/2016 06:12

ohdearme1958 - it would be a big deal for some though.

I would rather give birth with no family members than my mother there. My mother and I haven't even seen each other in swimwear, never mind naked,
My mother also panics. If someone so much as cuts a finger she gets into a terrible state flapping about. She would be a terrible birth partner.

pearlylum · 15/08/2016 06:13

Added to say I have even had surgery and hidden the fact from my mother, despite the fact she was living close at the time. All dramas end up being about her.

KC225 · 15/08/2016 06:59

I have never met nor know anyone who had their mother at a birth. Until this thread, I had no idea it was so common but each to their own.

Ohdearme. I think to say the OP feelings are over the top is unfair. What is ok to you and your family does not make you right. I am close to my mother but would never have considered inviting her and she would have been horrified if asked. Not over the top. Just horses for courses

Wellywife · 15/08/2016 07:30

I wish people didn't feel pressured either way. I wanted my DM there but not my DH. DH didn't want to be their either but there's so much pressure for dads to be there at their DC's birth nowadays that we got pressured into it. DH, much as I love him, was like a rabbit in headlights, so I threw him out. He joined his own parents waiting outside and was much happier, as was I.

Second time around it was DM only which was much better for me.

OP, you have whoever you feel would be the most support to you when you're feeling vulnerable. Ignore everyone else.

OohMavis · 15/08/2016 07:39

Yanbu.

My mum had to sit with me for an hour or two while DH went and ran an unavoidable errand. I wasn't even half-naked, just in lots of pain, and it was the most awkward two hours of my life.

She's never moved as fast as she did when DH returned, the relief was palpable.

Thank God.

sandgrown · 15/08/2016 07:44

I was with my daughter. DD had originally just wanted SIL at the actual birth for similar reasons to OP. I have was sat with her and SIL in the early stages of labour and when things progressed I intended to leave however DD and SIL asked me to stay. SIL is a bit of a flapper so I just held DD's hand and encouraged her. SIL did not want to cut the cord so they allowed me to do it. After the birth the midwives asked me to help DD shower while SIL watched the baby. It was a lovely experience and I felt privileged to be there.

CoraPirbright · 15/08/2016 07:46

I have never known anyone who had their mum in the room! Waiting outside, yes, but in the room with everything on view, no! I have a great relationship with my mum but it was never even discussed! I have noticed that this has cropped up quite a lot recently on mn and it seems to me that the emphasis is wrong. It is all about the entitled dm or mil saying she wants to see her grandchild born rather than supporting her dd through a fairly gruelling time.

nooka · 15/08/2016 08:12

Giving birth is a massively big deal, and mothers should not be pressured to do anything they don't want.

It was never suggested to me that my mum might have been at my births, by her or anyone else. In fact I only know one person that had their mum with them.

I had dh there, first time he was fantastic but the second time he was a pain before the birth (he got pissy about some issue with my mum looking after ds which I didn't understand then or now, but they really didn't get on and I expect she said something that pissed him off) and then he got very upset because he thought I wasn't communicating with him enough.

It really affected our relationship and didn't help with the first year or so of dd's life. I talked about it with some midwives (I worked in a hospital at the time) and they said it wasn't uncommon for fathers to find the experience very difficult, and had reservations as to whether the default fathers will be there was actually a good idea. My sister had a doula at her second birth and I wonder if that might have been good for us too.

ParisGellar · 15/08/2016 08:21

I was adamant it would just be me and DH at my son's birth. When it came to it he was knackered and needed some moral support so DM came along to the hospital to 'tag in' as birthing partner - as it happened I was ready to deliver as she arrived so DH and DM were both there at the birth. She stressed me out no end being there.

livelyredjellybean · 15/08/2016 08:27

Having my mum there wouldn't feel weird/awkward at all. She is after all my mum who did everything for me when I was young!! However she doesnt want to be there during my labour.

RainyDayBear · 15/08/2016 08:48

I wouldn't have had my Mum there - she'd just get in a flap and fuss! But also though we get on quite well we're not hugely close and I would feel odd with her seeing me so vulnerable and would be embarrassed!

TellAStory · 15/08/2016 09:00

My mum was a rock through my first pregnancy, I was 37 having my first and never thought I would have children, I planned a home birth and mum was 100% supportive as she had a HB with my brother after a terrible hospital birth with me! Due to pre pre-eclampsia the hb didn't happen but mum came over when my waters broke and was with me when we went to hospital, it was a very short labour and mum was great, DH was a bit overwhelmed by it all!!! When I had dc 2 mum was also there - she was so supportive through 2 very difficult HG pregnancies that it seemed natural to have her there and I'm so glad I did. If you had asked me before I got pregnant I would have said no way would I want her there!!!

It's perfectly fine to just want your dh there and not your mum but it's not that long ago that men were not allowed anywhere near the delivery room!!! For centuries women in labour were supported by the female members of the family, sisters, mothers, aunts and grandmothers!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 15/08/2016 09:29

It is ok not to want anybody there no matter who that is. The only people who really have to be there are you and any needed HCP's

StarryIllusion · 15/08/2016 09:31

I wouldn't either and my relationship with my mum is great. It would be awkward.

mrssnodge · 15/08/2016 09:36

I was with DD1, when she gave birth( at her request) with her DH on the other side - she said I was supportive and helpful, where as dd2, ( just 3 months later) didn't want me there at all, and that was equally fine.

TBH I found it very upsetting to see DD1 in so much pain, and would rather not go in again if either of them have another!

prettybird · 15/08/2016 09:43

I had a very good relationship with my mum and as a family, we were never prudish and were very relaxed about nudity (eg walking through to the bathroom for a bath).

Yet it never crossed my mind to have her there at the birth - although I did want dh (despite his qualms as he's squeamish). Nor did mum ever hint she wanted to be there.

I don't know any of my friends who had their mums there.

Giving birth is an intensely personal experience. You need to do what you are comfortable with. It's not an entertainment show

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 15/08/2016 09:44

Just tell her you don't want her there. The only person whose opinion matters is yours.

It never crossed my or het mind that my mother would be there but not in a million years would I have agreed. I didn't want my husband there but there is so much pressure there. I had an elective caesarean which was ok. If I'd gone into labour I would not have had him there.

alphabook · 15/08/2016 09:45

I wouldn't want my mum there. It's not a spectator sport, I want people there who are going to be a helpful, supportive, calming influence and that is definitely not my mum.

Although I'm currently pregnant with DC1 and I'm pretty sure my mum wants to be there, so it'll be me having the difficult conversation soon enough!

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 15/08/2016 09:46

No. I didn't want my mum there and thought it was a bit odd when people assumed she would be there. According to my sister, I'm a prude because of it! Btw, sister has no kids but thinks she wants mum there.

I just told her its personal preference, I don't want anyone other than DH and medical people present.

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LassWiTheDelicateAir · 15/08/2016 09:51

Are you unreasonable to be so against it on a personal level? No. You're not. But I do think your feelings regarding it all are way over the top

What a horrible thing to say. I see you were there as a mother in law. If my mother in law had even suggested she be in attendance I think my son would still be waiting to be born.

I also agree about the pressure put on mothers to have fathers present. It was assumed they would be. I recall being given very short shrift from a midwife when I suggested I didn't want him there.

ohdearme1958 · 15/08/2016 10:13

ohdearme1958 - it would be a big deal for some though*

For me it's really simple. It's either something you would do or it's something you wouldn'tand whether you do or not is no big deal. Just get on and do what you want. There really is no need for the dramatic opening posts we see.

ohdearme1958 · 15/08/2016 10:15

Ohdearme. I think to say the OP feelings are over the top is

I think you need to read both posts again.

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