DM at birth

[MermaidTears]

Am I the only one who thinks it's so so awkward to have your mum at the birth?
I banned my mum the first two times, now pregnant with a third and she's back to hinting at her 'last chance' to see a grandchild be born.
She had my dad and nan (her mum) with her when she gave birth to me and doesn't think it's weird at all.
I just cannot get past the idea of my mum seeing me naked or partially naked and with my vagina fully on show. I just find it fucking odd!
When I was pregnant with my first my mil actually assumed I might want her there. I couldn't help but laugh when she said it, just no!
Anyway almost all my friends and school mum friends had their husbands and their mums. Is it just me who finds it so weird, or do I just not have that kind of comfortable relationship with my own mum?

[Coxy234]

My mum was with me during labour the first time, but when the ils turned up, I ended up sending them all home. DH had phoned them to tell them and they turned up at the hospital, even though they were told not to come! I regretted sending my mum home, even though I wouldn't have planned to have her there and she wasn't at the births of my other two.

When either of my DDs have children I would really like to be there DD1 (19) says she would like me to be there but DD2 (only 14) isn't so sure. I guess I'll just have to wait and see, as I appreciate (and hope) I have a while to wait until it happens.

I wouldn't want to be there when DS's partner gives birth but I do think she would want her mum there.

[LassWiTheDelicateAir]

It never crossed my mind to have my mother there. The thought of my mother in law being there is beyond awful.

I felt pressured into having my husband there. If I'd made a true choice I would only have had medically trained professionals there.

[minipie]

DM was there (along with DH) for DD1's birth - not planned that way but DD1 arrived very early and suddenly and DM had got me to the hospital while DH was still leaving work, so I wasn't going to ask her to leave. We are very close anyway.

Just DH for DD2.

DH and DM stayed at my "head end" both times! Actually I'd be less bothered about DM seeing the business end than DH - after all DM's already familiar with what childbirth does to a fanjo and it's DH who'd be having to banish the gruesome memories during sex

[HooseRice]

I'm not close to my mother and could never have had her at my births. She would have definitely found a way to make them all about her

DH was there and at no point looked at the business end, his choice. I'd have had no problems if he had, he's certainly seen it all before, granted not with a baby emerging. What I'm saying is that if that is your worry, it need not be.

[MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic]

I had DH and my Mum at all three births, but I am the only person I know that did that - most of my circle of friends just went with their partners. Dh is lovely, but he's incredibly laidback and non-assertive, and I needed someone there who would be able to tell me what to do if things went wrong, which it did - DH was comforting, but my Mum pushed me through it which was more helpful (they were threatening to 'assist' which was a definite Do Not Want and not needed once she'd got me to focus )

[LaContessaDiPlump]

My mother specifically requested to NOT be there for DS2's emergence, but my sister came along for the craic and brought custard tarts for afterwards!

I never wanted my mother there, at all; having her around for a couple of the NCT classes was painful enough. The teacher made her sit behind me and hug me in a relaxation exercise. We were both SOO uncomfortable. She wasn't a natural birth partner, put it that way!!

[slithytove]

Neither is right or wrong.

My first birth I didn't want anyone at the business area.
Second was a section.
Third was a home birth.

DH didn't want to see anything, accidentally did, said it was amazing, and cut the cord!

My mum hovered in the kitchen not sure about coming in, but I said it was ok, I'm still not sure if she saw dd being born or not. All she would have seen was my backside though and I'm sure she would have focused on the baby!

I wouldn't have wanted anyone else, but mostly if they were a related female it wouldn't bother me. We all have the same parts, my mum did the same thing three times, she has seen me naked before. Something quite special about sharing that with your daughter when you did that for her however many years ago.

I don't think I'll chuck my toys out the pram if I can't see my grandkids being born though!

[OrsonWellsHat]

My DD asked me to be her birthing partner, therefore I was. Totally her decision.

[user1467798821]

I didn't have my DM at my DD birth and I regret it, I had an awful time, young and scared and not confident enough to say what I really wanted. When my DD became pregnant herself , I tentatively asked if she wanted me there and she said no. I accepted that, no malice was intended and I was happy to wait by the phone for updates. On the delivery day they had both gone into the delivery suite and I was getting frantic texts about how I had not warned her of the pain and the agony, but her DP was there with her. I paced the floor for a while and then my mobile rang, was SIL giving me an update, halfway through there was a scream that I will never forget ever " I want my mum,I want my mum, I want my mum!" I don't think DH has ever driven so fast! When I arrived, she was most put out that I wasn't waiting outside the whole time and had taken 20 mins to get to her. I had all of my children by c section, so couldn't really offer advise in practical terms but I could tell the staff what DD needed and was able to make clear any instructions the midwife needed her to know. It was an amazing privilege seeing my grand daughter come into the world and my daughters eyes never left mine whilst she was pushing. She was amazing and I think I floated for about 6 months. That said I have 2 other GDC that I saw shortly after they were born and I feel exactly the same about them. It is purely a personal preference, don't let anyone bully you into something you will later regret.

[ohdearme1958]

Ovariesbeforebovaries - your second post is spot on.

[ohdearme1958]

When people have their dads, kids, mates etc in the room when they give birth I don't know wether to admire their ability to not care or think they're completely crazy

To be honest I never give people who don't have their dads, kids, mates etc in the room a thought in the first place let alone think they could be crazy for not doing so.

[PinkyofPie]

I would rather poke myself in the eye with a stick than have my mother at my birth. She's asked both times and I've said no (currently pregnant with no 2).

Mostly because I have a very difficult relationship with her and she wouldn't be the least bit comforting or supportive. But even with someone I got along with, I wouldn't want them to see me in such pain, naked, screaming and bleeding.

When people have their dads, kids, mates etc in the room when they give birth I don't know wether to admire their ability to not care or think they're completely crazy!

[Love26life]

God i could not have my mum there either! And we are super close!
I'm the type of person when sad or vulnerable goes straight to mum for reassurance... But when it came to labour I wanted to be by myself so much so I had a home birth for my DD after a crappy hospital birth for my DS!

[OvariesBeforeBrovaries]

Meant to add; it's completely up to you who you have. If you want it to be just you, or just you and DP, or you and your DP and your mum, or you and another relative or you and a stranger if that's what you want, that's totally your choice.

There's a definite sneering attitude just lately towards women who choose to have someone other than their DP present (not you, OP, just posts on this thread and on others). I've not seen anyone criticising anyone else for not having their mum there, so why people think they can sneer at women for having their mum there is gross.

[OvariesBeforeBrovaries]

I don't know anyone who didn't have their mum/another relative there!

I had my mum there as well as DP. Nothing to do with her wanting to see her grandchild born and everything to do with me being 19 and terrified, DP being incredibly nervous and emotional and both of us wanting her there because she stays calm under pressure and has been through it before.

I'd like her to be there for the next baby's birth too, if we can find someone to have DD. I'd have her there in a heartbeat, it was amazing to get to share that with her. And I didn't give a shit that she was seeing me naked or whatever, it barely even registered with me that I was naked until the fourth or fifth person came in to attempt stitches and I said to them "everybody else has seen my vagina, you might as well too"

[sjmama12]

It's entirely up to YOU who you have at the birth of your child. You are not being unreasonable or over the top. It's an emotional and personal time. I only wanted my oh there. I couldn't imagine anyone else being there at such a personal time.

A lot of my friends are in their 40 ' s and have never had a parent there. My friends in their 30's some did but most didn't. Think its quite a "new" thing. Not knocking it if that's what the mum to be is comfortable with. It has to be the woman's choice though and she needs to be totally comfortable. Never feel bad about telling someone no.

[FramptonRose]

It all depends what type of relationship you have with your DM.
I had my DM and DH with me in my first labour (I would have had my nan if they had let me) I am very close to my family especially my mum and nan, thy are very calm under pressure, very supportive without being at all pushy and have a great relationship with my DH.
I like to keep calm under pressure so wanted my DM there to keep me that way, my DH is a bit of a panicker.
I have a friend with a DM very much like mine, she had her DM present when she gave birth.
I have another friend with a really pushy mother who assumed she would (and should) be there, my friend pratically had to ban her from the hospital, it caused a huge row and was a stressful time for her.

[MrsKoala]

I don't know anyone who had anyone other than their partner there. I would have been quite happy with my mum there tho. We are still happily naked in each others company and just last week she trimmed my pubes for me and had a look at something for me in a very intimate place (i am pregnant and haven't been able to see myself for a few months now).

But i think of birth as a special and intimate time with my DH and our newborn.

[mumeeee]

Yanbu. I just had my husband with me at the births of all 3 of our DDs.
I actually hadn't heard of anyone having their mothers with them until I read it on mumsnet. I would have felt very uncomfortable.

[Ragwort]

I've never heard of anyone having their DM or DMIL at the birth, (apart from a very young relative who was no longer involved with the father of her baby ) seems to be quite common on Mumsnet though. It is not a spectator sport. My parents lived miles away and DM didn't visit until I had been home for at least a week - when DH was back at work so that she was able to be a practical help.

Obviously it is everyone's choice but you shouldn't feel pressurised into letting her be at the birth unless you really want her there.

I can think of nothing worse than being asked to be at any future grandchild's birth. .

[Thewrongcheesegrommit]

I have a very close relationship with my mum; she once had to finish off a home bikini wax bodge job (I couldn't pull a second time!!)

I still wouldn't want her at the birth. For me, it's such an intimate and emotional thing between me and dh, I wouldn't want someone else there (apart from hospital staff) to get in the way of that.

[JacquettaWoodville]

Not that the OP was dramatic anyway!

[JacquettaWoodville]

No one I know had their mums.

Ohdearme, OP's mother has criticised her body. Don't you criticise her posts for being dramatic, hmm?

[champagneplanet]

I really wanted it to be just DH and I as our special moment but felt awkward as within our circle quite a few people had their DMs there for their births. I broached the subject with FM and luckily she was dead set against it, said it was our moment and she couldn't think of anything worse than having her mother there when she give birth! I was so relived! I do genuinely believe it's for the couple, especially if it's a 'normal' relationship, ie: you're together in a relationship, he doesn't work 400 miles away, etc.

[Thissideof40]

God no I couldn't think of anything worse. My mum mentioned a couple of times when I was expecting DD but I said no way. She didn't mention anything when I was expecting DS. My mum and mil sat out in the waiting room when I was in late stages of labour with DD and every so often I'd get a mw pop in to say 'can the mum's come in yet?' to which I shouted no. Thankfully she was on babysitting duties when I went in with DS so it was a more relaxed atmosphere without mothers waiting outside to come in.